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Oy, you guys are too smart! Kml, I agree. I want him to do the work. At this point, I've agreed to let him come to our house 1 hour per day, at a time I choose, when I'm not here. Since he's living in his car, he'll be able to get his clothes ready for work and shower. (It's not like I'm paying the rent, although I do pay all the other bills).
His marital history: I'm technically the first for love (although he married years before that for his green card and couldn't keep it going, the woman kept wanting money and they D'd). We married 6 months after meeting. God I'm not painting a very good picture of this man, am I? No substance abuse, thankfully.
I've never been married until now. Not sure of his past re: cheating. I know he did cheat once when he was younger, but also had a 5 yr relationship where he said he hadn't cheated.
Yeah, I guess there have been once or twice when I questioned him about a girl I was unsure about and he apologized or said one girl liked him from work and was being persistent in texting him. He chalked it up to me being the one who was wrong, because I actually called the girl. They both say they never got together for lunch, or drinks, or whatever. They both said she was new where they worked and wanted to get into the restaurant business and she asked him about that a lot. God now I don't know what to think.
MrBond - he didn't say those words exactly but did say his friend told him he thought still there might be hope for us (when he called to apologize, bawling). I said I was too shocked to even say much, and he said he knew I'd probably never forgive him or believe anything he said. Would a man admitting infidelity beg to come back into the M right away do you think? I really don't know. He said he hates himself, and I think he should. I kind of hate him too right now.
"he said he knew I'd probably never forgive him or believe anything he said"
Tell him..."don't you dare presume to know what I think or will do".
"Would a man admitting infidelity beg to come back into the M right away do you think?"
Yep it happens all the time. Imagine a child who gets caught with their hand in the cookie jar. First thing they'll deny, next they'll argue back, then in the end they'll cry and apologize profusely. He's saying that because he's caught up in the emotion of it all and maybe he's afraid of the OW's boyfriend beating him up.
Personally, I would tell the boyfriend so that he knows what kind of woman he's going out with. Imagine if they get married and have kids and she keeps up this behavior. Those kids and he will be absolutely miserable. Let him have the choice on whether or not he should be with her.
"He said he hates himself,"
blah blah blah. All lip service. What did he say he would do to make things right? He's just showing regret and not remorse. Regret is saying that he's sorry he got caught (very self-centered) remorse is when they UNDERSTAND the damage they've done and do things to make things right with you (spouse-centered).
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I really want to tell her BF, like you wouldn't believe. I daydream about it constantly, right before winking at her and giving her the finger. Although some here have suggested it isn't recommended in the 2 books I haven't read yet. And that someone could get physically hurt, which I'd feel bad about (questionable). Last, that I shouldn't be the one to act as that role. I can completely see why. Although it's taking everything I have not to find him and tell him. Especially because he'll know exactly how I feel and we can be outraged together. Honestly right now I feel like the two of them got over on me and I want someone to pay for it aside from myself. I like what you said about self-centered vs spouse-centered. That's so right on. I think it must be times like these when you find out your true character.
I'd love to hear anyone's suggestions as to how to proceed with that "first conversation" about his affair? We've only had the initial call when he admitted it and fell apart. Do I ask to speak about it, or wait for him to keep asking? He's said he knows I don't want to speak to him right now (which I did say) but I don't know how healthy it is to keep this silence going when we haven't even discussed/gotten to the bottom of the whole thing yet.
It's killing me to not know how it happened, what happened, if he's still seeing her, if he's planning to make changes, and generally what to say at this early stage. I could keep it dark, but then I feel like I have no tangible answers and am making it easier for him. OTOH, if I speak to him about it now, obviously it won't be resolved in a day, and it may not be advisable anyway. I feel like I want some movement. I've already been played by both of them. Now I have to sit in limbo and wonder what he's doing while I suffer?
If we do speak, and he says he wants to work on it, is this the time to lay out what I expect of him? What did you guys do that was effective?
Its your choice, but from a guy's perspective I've had affairs and friends that have also. In every case it was from not having a great relationship or needed sex, etc. I'm still working on mine but I think I would be such a better a better husband if I got another chance, if I don't I think I'll be a great a husband to someone else one day. The two friends that worked through there affairs had pretty understanding wives and they both have much better marriages now than before. I would think he would need to be at the "sorry" and begging to have you back stage before you give him a chance.
I'm not sure if I need to start another thread to ask for additional suggestions here, but I would love any feedback. My H and I spoke about his affair finally... I was really impatient because for a few days, nothing had really happened. He was still living outside and we really didn't speak much. I was starting to think he didn't care at all. I finally approached him and made sure I wasn't accusatory, I just asked questions and tried to be a supportive as I could about him being honest with me. For a few days prior to that he was reluctant to talk about what he had done when I approached it, but the eventual talk went surprisingly well and he got really honest. He answered every question I've had (so far), and agreed to go to therapy. (I did find a therapist who appears to be solution oriented, is pro marriage, and she uses Imago techniques - which I hope won't be too "feelings" oriented; I want to start off our first session not scaring the hell out of him!)
I'm just really scared about it all. I wonder if he thinks I'm a pushover? Is he just going through the motions to get back in? Does he think he'll do it again some day? I'm not even sure how to act toward him this early on...I've been slightly detached from him, and I have my upset moments during the day, but for the most part I'm being pretty kind and pleasantly going about my business by trying to take some space so that I don't get too overwhelmed. I don't want him to think all is back to normal or that all is forgiven, and I've made it pretty clear I don't trust him at all right now - but I'm still his wife.
Also - this kind of surprised me but I want to be sexual with him like you wouldn't believe. (or maybe you know the feeling!) Is that normal?
He's told me a few times he completely cut it off with her, although they do still work together. I pray he gets the hell out of there soon.
I guess there's no blueprint for how to act toward a cheating spouse in the initial first few weeks, but I have to say, this is really confusing! Do you avoid even trying to be intimate? What the hell do you do to not make things worse in this fragile stage? I guess there's no real timeline, or rules.
He also answered some of my questions last night that were really tough for me to hear. It's like this person I thought I knew so well - said and did things in his affair that were not at all in the realm of his "normal" personality.
Half of me feels like he's truly remorseful, and is really feeling all of the effects of what he's done. The other half of me feels like maybe I simply married some kind of a master manipulating player!