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#2230739 - 03/15/12 12:57 AM Re: When it's a one-way street...part 4 [Re: Crazyville]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Originally Posted By: Crazyville
Anyway, I was reading it previously, and there were several things that really struck me and made me feel like maybe I'm not cut out for M.

Be careful about this thinking. It's very unfair to say that someone (ourselves included) are not "cut out for" M.

One of my W's "supporters" told her that I wasn't M material. She relayed that information back to me in a way that I realized she truly had bought into that cr@p.

OK, perhaps I'm not cut out to be M to my W... but that doesn't mean that I can have a deep, meaningful, long term R with someone which for all intents and purposes IS an M, even if there is no legal documentation to call it that...

I'm not talking about "deserving" here... I'm talking about the reality that everyone has their ways of being and doing things. That does not make or break us from being cut out to be M. Being M is simply a choice. Not being cut out to be M is the same as saying we aren't cut out to have deep, meaningful, long term Rs...

Anyhow, not meant to beat you with that. I think I know what you mean and I have to say, I kinda started believing the maybe I am not cut out to be M... but... I realized that's not true... one day I will again have a deep, meaningful, long term R with someone.

Why does society think that people who are married must sleep in the same bed... or even in the same room... long ago (and some of this was because of birth control), people had two single/twin beds in the same room. My grandparents actually slept in separate rooms for as long as I can remember... their M lasted over 70 years... They were both happy in their own lives... and respected each other... and... (ewe) were probably intimate more times than I care to think about... smile

Originally Posted By: Crazyville
One of the things he said was that men occasionally like to act like a child, but they don't like to be treated like one.

I just wanted to touch on this, because perhaps it can be misinterpreted...

Of course, I could be misinterpreting what he meant...

I think that men like to be "playful". I think that can be construed or labelled as "acting like a child". Things like pushing a girl we like off the dock. Or giving someone a wedgy... Or putting snow down a girl's back...

We (men) call this harmless fun... in the same way that we can get into an argument with a buddy, even punch them in the head a couple times, and then go back into the house and have a few more beers with them...

I am a responsible, mature adult male.

But I like to have "fun"...

and in having "fun"... I have been accused of being a child...

and to me... that is a hugely disrespectful judgement of me...

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#2230802 - 03/15/12 09:43 AM Re: When it's a one-way street...part 4 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Crazyville Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/12
Posts: 1046
Quote:
Things like pushing a girl we like off the dock. Or giving someone a wedgy... Or putting snow down a girl's back...
I can see that, but then I'm curious how you expect to be treated back? There are other ways to have "fun" that don't involve pestering. I learned with my brother years ago that when you're a girl smaller than the guy that's picking on you (and that is what it is), you're not going to out-do him. And frankly, the guy knows that, which I think is why they're doing it to girls instead of guys. Keeping that sort of "play" amongst the guys and treating a girl like a "lady" will get a whole lot more respect from her. Otherwise, I'm more inclined to respond to you as if you're a child.
_________________________
Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13

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#2230843 - 03/15/12 10:57 AM Re: When it's a one-way street...part 4 [Re: Crazyville]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
I completely understand it from the other side. I'll admit that I see other guys do "stupid, childlike" things and make a judgement on them, considering they aren't "sensitive" to the person they just hazed.

But I can tell you this, without a doubt. When the child is beaten from us... we aren't ever the same... unlikely to be enjoyable company.

Guys need to find a way to be playful and not hurtful. But sometimes... we just can't help ourselves in that moment of spontaneity and opportunity. smile

No different than a girl crying when she gets hurt. That's just so unnecessary.

I understand that there is plenty of opportunity to agree to disagree on this (from any male and female position).

The reality is, like every and any way that we are all human and all the same, in these way most will never truly understand the other side. So it's a matter of accepting and respecting those genitalia differences and not expecting the other sex to be more like us.

Tolerance is one of those great, underused virtues.

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#2230845 - 03/15/12 11:01 AM Re: When it's a one-way street...part 4 [Re: ~ kd ~]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Said another way, we can't blame a dog for behaving like a dog...

Too simplistic...?

Well, it just is what it is...

And again, I do understand your position and I do accept and respect it. Agreeing to disagree is another form of tolerance...

Yes...?

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#2230847 - 03/15/12 11:13 AM Re: When it's a one-way street...part 4 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
that book sounds awful and it just reduced people to stereotypes.

I submit that all people can act like children and it is hardly a male vs female problem.

As for the stupid thing, I wouldn't want to be with my W if she thought I was a stupid simpleton who was too dumb to know what my child needs. This kind of cr@p (and it sounds like it) does way more harm to male-female relationships in the long run.

Like the giving into sex/activities on a busy morning. That may work for the short term, but it sounds like a recipe to build up resentment.

Seriously was this book written in the 50s.
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

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#2230859 - 03/15/12 11:32 AM Re: When it's a one-way street...part 4 [Re: Harrier]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2595
Loc: VA
There are plenty of potentially bad books out there, just as there are plenty of well meaning people out there giving you potentially bad advice. The trick is to be open to the right information and filter out the wrong information.
_________________________
Adinva 47 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2230863 - 03/15/12 11:40 AM Re: When it's a one-way street...part 4 [Re: Harrier]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
I know you don't want regression therapy, but I just re-read what you said and I find the following very interesting:

Originally Posted By: Crazyville
I learned with my brother years ago that when you're a girl smaller than the guy that's picking on you (and that is what it is), you're not going to out-do him.


You can never take a look at the above and see what that might mean in your life. But the reality is, that is something that you have not let go... and I see how that is reflected in your M.

My D14 loves my D9 to death. So we aren't even talking M/F relationships here. D14 teases and taunts D9 and would never expect (and can't actually imagine) how that will affect D9 in the future, if D9 allows it to. I am constantly working her through that.

And further on the opposite spectrum, I had no male relatives my age, so between my sister and my female cousins, I was that "favourite" male relative that they could tease. Possibly taking out all their anger at being teased by other boys, including their brothers... In fact, even my aunts joined in on that fun...

It affected me for probably 15 years or so... and then I worked through it and truly let it go...

So as Harrier says, this isn't just a M/F thing, although the actually behaviours might be...

We tease and taunt to meet a need. It could be jealousy... it could be done in the name of love... but unless someone is actually doing something to intentionally break our leg or prevent us from having children... well... some people just don't think... but a lot of stuff is intended to be harmless fun...

Again, to repeat what Harrier said:
Originally Posted By: Harrier
I wouldn't want to be with my W if she thought I was a stupid simpleton who was too dumb to know what my child needs. This kind of cr@p (and it sounds like it) does way more harm to male-female relationships in the long run.


Maybe there's a better way to express that inner child. And there's also other ways to indicate that there are better ways for someone to express that inner child.

Everything is a two way street.

When disrespected, it appears so normal to retaliate with more disrespect. An ugly spiral.

Change the course...

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#2230868 - 03/15/12 11:55 AM Re: When it's a one-way street...part 4 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem


So as Harrier says, this isn't just a M/F thing, although the actually behaviours might be...

We tease and taunt to meet a need. It could be jealousy... it could be done in the name of love... but unless someone is actually doing something to intentionally break our leg or prevent us from having children... well... some people just don't think... but a lot of stuff is intended to be harmless fun...

Again, to repeat what Harrier said:
Originally Posted By: Harrier
I wouldn't want to be with my W if she thought I was a stupid simpleton who was too dumb to know what my child needs. This kind of cr@p (and it sounds like it) does way more harm to male-female relationships in the long run.


Maybe there's a better way to express that inner child. And there's also other ways to indicate that there are better ways for someone to express that inner child.

Everything is a two way street.

When disrespected, it appears so normal to retaliate with more disrespect. An ugly spiral.

Change the course...


Perhaps you've been reading too many self-help books. I wasn't talking about my "innner child" I was talking about my son.

CV gave this example from the book. In that light, it talked about men laying on the couch watching TV because they're too stupid to figure out that the baby is crying and needs changing, but if the W would only ask....
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

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#2230871 - 03/15/12 11:57 AM Re: When it's a one-way street...part 4 [Re: Harrier]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
oh? I was reading with my old eyes... My bad...

*mental note: no more words into Harrier's mouf*

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#2230934 - 03/15/12 02:49 PM Re: When it's a one-way street...part 4 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Crazyville Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/12
Posts: 1046
Thinking I should start a new post.... not sure what the limit is.

Part 5
_________________________
Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13

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