Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
A
alamo76 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
So is there a way to leave the topic open-ended while validating my wife?


M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
~
Member
Offline
Member
~
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
Thought about this for a bit. Honestly, I think what you've written is ok and does validate and keep it open ended.

But what I might write would be:

"I understand that you are concerned. I will remove myself from the org at this time, but would like to continue participating at a later date if we could discuss it."

The difference being, in your original response, you are discussing as though you believe your W is receptive.

Whereas, until she's willing to talk about it, she is unlikely to be receptive...

At least, that's what I've found with my W...

Of course... my W still won't have any discussions with me... grin

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
A
alamo76 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
Well, this is what I wrote to her today:

"Hi Wife

I understand your concern. I will put this activity on hold until such time we can discuss its pros and cons.

- Alamo"


M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
~
Member
Offline
Member
~
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
Good stuff...

While I am sure that you checked the org and were confident about it's "safety"... if you and your W were together, it would have been a joint decision to do it, in regards to its affect on your son...

So it is not much different as a co-parent...

As my W continues to remind me, what she does is HER business... and that's true and fair enough... but... if it could affect the kids... that IS my business and works in both directions...

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
A
alamo76 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
Her reasoning is the part that makes me want to laugh up a storm. We talked about Couchsurfing the other day; I explained to her the pretty lengthy and detailed verification process for that PARTICULAR site. She reminded me of a case back in her hometown in Texas where a preacher and fellow Bible student became a convicted pedophile. She said that good people can be pedophiles too. I just validated her ("yes, I agree.") and ended the conversation there; in the bigger picture, it just isn't worth to fight over this.

My point being: Maybe I should conduct a background check for each of the new church members that I hang out with; my wife doesn't know many of the new people that joined since she left 1.5 years ago. Our son hangs out with them a lot. Why doesn't she tell me to cease or desist?

From the you-never-know-what's-going-to-happen-who-you're-going-to-meet perspective, maybe I should stop driving our son around too. You never know when something "bad" will happen, correct?

Maybe I should ask my wife to stop my wife from bringing our son to see her parents. After all, they have been deemed by two of our therapists to have invoked emotional incest on her. So by pure face-value judgement of character, they are dangerous people to be around.

And yes, I'm venting again. Been doing that a lot lately. My heart has been in pieces lately from what's coming up soon.


M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,656
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,656
She has a point Alamo. I personally wouldn't do anything even remotely questionable before the D is finalized.

Your W has already demonstrated that she is prepared to bring the lumber in the email that she sent you. No need to give her anymore ammo.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: alamo76
Her reasoning is the part that makes me want to laugh up a storm. We talked about Couchsurfing the other day; I explained to her the pretty lengthy and detailed verification process for that PARTICULAR site. She reminded me of a case back in her hometown in Texas where a preacher and fellow Bible student became a convicted pedophile. She said that good people can be pedophiles too. I just validated her ("yes, I agree.") and ended the conversation there; in the bigger picture, it just isn't worth to fight over this.


that^^^ is part of the bigger picture so why do you now (below) go on to argue it?



My point being: Maybe I should conduct a background check for each of the new church members that I hang out with; my wife doesn't know many of the new people that joined since she left 1.5 years ago. Our son hangs out with them a lot. Why doesn't she tell me to cease or desist?


I guess this is sarcasm...

From the you-never-know-what's-going-to-happen-who-you're-going-to-meet perspective, maybe I should stop driving our son around too. You never know when something "bad" will happen, correct?

Maybe I should ask my wife to stop my wife from bringing our son to see her parents. After all, they have been deemed by two of our therapists to have invoked emotional incest on her. So by pure face-value judgement of character, they are dangerous people to be around.

this^^^ MIGHT be valid...

but why don't you take LITB's advice and stop having house guests you don't know WHILE you have your son with you,

at all....OR at least while a divorce is pending? This is not brilliant on your end.

Stop fighting it. But don't tell her you were "wrong' or a bad father.

Just say, "W, for the record, there is a stringent vetting process for that organization, in addition to my own. BUT out of respect for your wishes/concerns, I'll end my r with that organization. "


You can renew it later IF YOU THINK IT'S WISE...I'm not sure it is. I have 3 kids and if I had a kid that young, I would not have strangers in my house unsupervised at all...period. Even if I was there 24/7, I am not sure I'd have strangers in my house overnight WHEN I had my 3 y/o with me, especially as a single parent. Why are you doing this anyhow?

To save money?

I want to adopt a child or at least do Foster care. (I'm talking real life now).

My h and I agreed that we will NOT get a child who is bigger or stronger than our d at home. Period.

I saw my sister's stepson grow into a pretty "well behaved" sociopath (when he didn't know adults were watching, he was really just....evil to the other nieces/nephews and then did GREAT feigned concern about their injuries which he inflicted).
He became dangerous and CPS got involved.

After he started a few fires, he was harder and harder to place...

Don't risk losing your child b/c your ego is bruised. Think Big picture here, Alamo...big picture...

1) you could lose him to your w and not see him often at all...or

2) she could have a point... something could happen to him & you'd lose him for real.

How would YOU fare then? You'd be a basket case - like all of us.



And yes, I'm venting again. Been doing that a lot lately. My heart has been in pieces lately from what's coming up soon.


Stay strong, w/an eyr on the long view. Let your L know about the "emotional incest" though. It's a valid point and may get her off your back.

BUT LET THE LAWYER bring it up b/c if you do, that's a nuke and you don't want a nuclear war with her.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
A
alamo76 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Originally Posted By: alamo76
Her reasoning is the part that makes me want to laugh up a storm. We talked about Couchsurfing the other day; I explained to her the pretty lengthy and detailed verification process for that PARTICULAR site. She reminded me of a case back in her hometown in Texas where a preacher and fellow Bible student became a convicted pedophile. She said that good people can be pedophiles too. I just validated her ("yes, I agree.") and ended the conversation there; in the bigger picture, it just isn't worth to fight over this.


that^^^ is part of the bigger picture so why do you now (below) go on to argue it?



My point being: Maybe I should conduct a background check for each of the new church members that I hang out with; my wife doesn't know many of the new people that joined since she left 1.5 years ago. Our son hangs out with them a lot. Why doesn't she tell me to cease or desist?


I guess this is sarcasm...

From the you-never-know-what's-going-to-happen-who-you're-going-to-meet perspective, maybe I should stop driving our son around too. You never know when something "bad" will happen, correct?

Maybe I should ask my wife to stop my wife from bringing our son to see her parents. After all, they have been deemed by two of our therapists to have invoked emotional incest on her. So by pure face-value judgement of character, they are dangerous people to be around.

this^^^ MIGHT be valid...

but why don't you take LITB's advice and stop having house guests you don't know WHILE you have your son with you,

at all....OR at least while a divorce is pending? This is not brilliant on your end.

Stop fighting it. But don't tell her you were "wrong' or a bad father.

Just say, "W, for the record, there is a stringent vetting process for that organization, in addition to my own. BUT out of respect for your wishes/concerns, I'll end my r with that organization. "


You can renew it later IF YOU THINK IT'S WISE...I'm not sure it is. I have 3 kids and if I had a kid that young, I would not have strangers in my house unsupervised at all...period. Even if I was there 24/7, I am not sure I'd have strangers in my house overnight WHEN I had my 3 y/o with me, especially as a single parent. Why are you doing this anyhow?

To save money?

I want to adopt a child or at least do Foster care. (I'm talking real life now).

My h and I agreed that we will NOT get a child who is bigger or stronger than our d at home. Period.

I saw my sister's stepson grow into a pretty "well behaved" sociopath (when he didn't know adults were watching, he was really just....evil to the other nieces/nephews and then did GREAT feigned concern about their injuries which he inflicted).
He became dangerous and CPS got involved.

After he started a few fires, he was harder and harder to place...

Don't risk losing your child b/c your ego is bruised. Think Big picture here, Alamo...big picture...

1) you could lose him to your w and not see him often at all...or

2) she could have a point... something could happen to him & you'd lose him for real.

How would YOU fare then? You'd be a basket case - like all of us.



And yes, I'm venting again. Been doing that a lot lately. My heart has been in pieces lately from what's coming up soon.


Stay strong, w/an eyr on the long view. Let your L know about the "emotional incest" though. It's a valid point and may get her off your back.

BUT LET THE LAWYER bring it up b/c if you do, that's a nuke and you don't want a nuclear war with her.


Hey there 25 -- how's your week going? Thanks for dropping in again!

Anyway, for my response to my wife, see my posts on 4/2 and 4/3/12; I've stopped the couchsurfing activity since then.

To answer your questions:

- Couchsurfing (CSing) doesn't save money or anything. You help passing world/local travelers on a low budget, and if you have time you show them around town, etc. In return, they cook you a meal or two, rake your lawn, share travel stories, exchange cultures, etc, but not exclusively or necessarily.
- Why now? I've been CSing since last year actually, but only got my first travelers Xmas of 2011. Further back than that, I was brought up in a home where my parents (who were local missionaries back in Asia) hosted people/friends almost every week or two. There were people we knew, but many we didn't. All we had in common was that we were mostly Christian. So my parents inculcated in me (perhaps) the idea of being spotaneously hospitable and just as importantly, the ability to read if people were iffy or legit -- all this before there was the vast and easily-accessible social network we call the Internet, for crying out loud. Iffy ones we usually try to offer them an overnight stay at a motel room or something.

- My sarcasm was my means of venting, yet I feel there is some truth in it. I think in the distrusting landscape (and thus paranoia) of this culture, we've become just plain afraid of MANY things, mostly because of misinformation. Seems like we need to "know" about someone or something before we act on them. Spontaneity doesn't just mean "Hey, I have a dollar in my pocket, and I'm not in a rush to be somewhere right now, so here you go, dear homeless/jobless person by the STOP sign, please accept my donation."

It's sad how when we were together, we would disagree on things pertaining to our son, but not to the point of "cease or desist".

Ok, time to get off my soapbox now.

As a sidenote, I've decided to not worry about how I'm going to pay for the legal costs, because it's imperative that I "fight" for our son.


M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
A
alamo76 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
Just wanted to share this with y'all today:

I've found that I live as a better forgiven man when I am a better forgiving man.

- Rick Atchley


M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
A
alamo76 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
I'm not even filing for marriage dissolution and the legal fees is already killing me. I've barely recovered from my unemployment LAST YEAR, and now this.

Fighting for my son is worth it, though. I will worry about paying the legal team as it comes.


M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard