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#2230520 - 03/14/12 01:20 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: rickb89]
JustStunned Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/11
Posts: 1195
Loc: Ohio
Will she? Will she acknowledge it? Will she express it? If the one month for every year guideline holds I too have about a year left. So how to spend it? Holding on waiting for a sign will not do! For me waiting like this will breed resentment.

I will live my life enjoyably. I will meet my obligations. I will be true to myself. I will remember my core values and comport myself within their bounds. If at some point in the future we should come together again I will be doing so from a position of serenity and strength.
_________________________
BITS
Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55
D 30
S 27

You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill

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#2230530 - 03/14/12 01:42 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: JustStunned]
8anb Offline
Member

Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 43
when you say one month for every year - does that refer to when spouse is having affair or length of mlc?

my h moved in with affair one month ago, i believe it is mlc, and we have been married for 16 yrs + .... so what does my timeline look like?

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#2230568 - 03/14/12 03:14 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: 8anb]
kolja Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/11
Posts: 335
Loc: WA
I think there's definitely an "actual mileage may vary" caveat to the one month for every year theory. I think there's probably also a minumum length of marriage for it to be valid.

My wife and I were married 18 months before she moved out, so we're coming up on the month and a half point and no change really in sight. I guess you could include our time together before marriage, it would be two and a half years, so 10 weeks. Maybe I can reassess it then. But I do have a couple 'real world' friends I've been confiding in who have suggested she may have to be 'all the way out' - ie, dissolution finalized and all that, before she can consider a reconciliation. I think there may be something to that in my case.
_________________________
Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12

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#2230607 - 03/14/12 05:06 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: JustStunned]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: JustStunned
Will she? Will she acknowledge it? Will she express it? If the one month for every year guideline holds I too have about a year left. So how to spend it? Holding on waiting for a sign will not do! For me waiting like this will breed resentment.

I will live my life enjoyably. I will meet my obligations. I will be true to myself. I will remember my core values and comport myself within their bounds. If at some point in the future we should come together again I will be doing so from a position of serenity and strength.


Hope so! I'm with you!

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#2230610 - 03/14/12 05:09 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: rickb89]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 9821
The timeline is arbitrary and is actually one month of actually working together on the M for one year of M. As long as the spouse is gone or doesn't want to work on the M, the timeline is moot.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2230690 - 03/14/12 10:29 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: MrBond]
JustStunned Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/11
Posts: 1195
Loc: Ohio
Sometimes I am not as articulate as I would like. The guideline has been bantered around and thank you for adding clarity. I did not intend to post simply waiting for an unknown possibility was an option. What I was attempting to post was for there to be any probability of success in a future R we need to grow and be comfortable within ourselves as individuals.

I apologize for any distress or misinformation I may have created.
_________________________
BITS
Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55
D 30
S 27

You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill

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#2230692 - 03/14/12 10:34 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: MrBond]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: MrBond
The timeline is arbitrary and is actually one month of actually working together on the M for one year of M. As long as the spouse is gone or doesn't want to work on the M, the timeline is moot.


Oh, then I guess all is really lost then....

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#2230816 - 03/15/12 10:05 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: rickb89]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7794
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Thanks for visiting, everyone.

It seems the subject matter of that little detour was apropos to my sitch.

Today marks 1 year since the bomb drop. He moved out, at my insistence, 2 days later.

There has been no relationship talk, really no talk of anything since April. We've emailed because we had kid stuff, financial stuff, tax stuff. He's very cordial but then he's a "nice guy." He's always avoided conflict.

But that's him. It is not for me to judge him or to fix him, something I'm finally learning.

This year has been one of constant growth. After the first couple of months of doing all the wrong things and being consumed in my grief I started searching. I continued seeing my IC, began attending Alanon and CoDa, got in touch with my higher power, took a class on boundaries, learned to meditate, started yoga, road my bike and read and read and read.

About 7 months in I found this place and started posting in Nov. Reading and writing here has been important for me as it gives me a different perspective and forces me to really think about those things that raise my hackles.

It's the responses that cause the WTH reaction, that need to have attention paid.

So that's one thing I've learned in the past year.

What other things would the wiser LaBug have shared with the devastated LaBug of 12 months ago:

  • Grief-it's a part of the process let it happen but don't let it take over your life. Get someone to help you through it if need be.
  • Don't blame yourself for everything. You are not that powerful.
  • Really think about the complaints your spouse has made. You know those you need to work on. They're usually those that make you really angry or cause you to come back with the "yes, but..." responses.
  • Accetance-when your spouse says they're done and there is no working on it believe that and move forward. Not accepting their decision/choice is a form of control. All the words and energy expended on decrying their choice and exclaiming how crazy or blind they are only keeps you stuck and controlled by the situation.
  • Anger-lose it, the quicker the better. Think about why you're angry. Is it fear. What are you afraid of? Alanon has a great acronym False Evidence Appearing Real
  • Resentment-same, lose it. Look at its role in getting you here. Has resentment EVER been helpful to you?
  • the Stockdale Paradox
  • Take it easy, one day at a time.


I'm a more complete person after this year and have more honest relationships. I'm learning to set boundaries. I'm addressing my issues with control and fixing others. I now have a better idea of who I am.

This year has been a gift, even if a sometimes painful one. Would I have chosen to have the gift in the form I received it?
No. But as I've often heard, bloom where you are planted.

So, what will I do today. I was supposed to have jury duty but it was rescheduled. Bummer. But I will do some yoga, ride my bike, go to an Alanon meeting and see what the rest of the day has in store.

And I say honestly with no remorse, I will miss him and a few tears will be shed today.

But I'm OK and so much better than I was 1 year ago today.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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#2230818 - 03/15/12 10:09 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
You sound so strong today labug. You really have come a long way. Thinking of you today (((labug)))
_________________________
-Autumn


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#2230819 - 03/15/12 10:11 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Autumn Leaves]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7794
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Thanks, Autumn. I'm so sorry for what you're facing but you also sound strong in your last post.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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