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#2233846 - 03/28/12 02:49 AM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9288
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Quote:
Is it normal to feel empowered and hopeless the next hour? Is is really hard for me to not want to try and fix things


Yes, absolutely. If you read other threads, you'll see it over and over. One minute things are great and then the roller coaster goes down, down, down but...it also goes up.

Hey, I am a major control-freak-fixer. When the urge to fix strikes ask yourself: What is the problem? Does it belong to me? Did anyone ask for my help to fix it? If you answer no to the last 2, let it go.

Fixing things can give people the idea you think they are incapable of handling things.

Quote:
If my W is telling me I have not been there is it the best to detach from her?
Detach is more about emotional distance than physical distance. You work to get to the place where her feelings/emotions don't affect yours.

Have you read the Livestrong article about detachment? Google it, if not.

Be nice but not fawning or pursuing. Give her mental space.

Keep up the good work!
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

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#2233968 - 03/28/12 04:15 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: labug]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Well on Tuesday my right middle finger became infected and started to hurt. W is a nurse drained the infection Tuesday Night (I know gross sorry) and was adament that I get to the clinc where she works ASAP.

She set the appointment up and then met me with the doctor this morning. The doctor let her do the procedure and then we had to discuss a few other things with the doctor that I have been neglecting, but I know had to be taken care of (immunizations, etc.).

When the Doctor left the room I thanked her for her help getting the appointment set up and taking care of the other medical issues. She mentioned the R and that she thinks this is a temporary thing. I just shrugged me sholders and said I can only take things day by day. Left it at that and nothing more was said of the R.

LA- I have read the livstrong article about detachment and have been trying to emotionally detach from her and sticking with a few boundaries.

Again thank you all for the help, support and kind words.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2233986 - 03/28/12 05:06 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 5363
Loc: Florida
If it were me, I would have politely thanked my wife for her concern, and then scheduled my own office visit and procedure with someone else. I just don't think it helps your cause right now for her to be allowed to be the one rescuing you or "mothering" you in any way, and that YOU need to be doing the leading.

Maybe that's just me. I do think it was nice of her, though.


Starsky
_________________________
M54 W 54; D27 D25 S21 S18 GD4 GD 2m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07
Filed 4 D 7/07
Piecing 07-10
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2234006 - 03/28/12 07:46 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Starsky309]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Starsky,

I was glad that she set everything up. I took it a nice gesture, nothing more nothing less. Once less thing I had to do today.

SIW
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2234012 - 03/28/12 08:12 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 5363
Loc: Florida
I understand, Sad. Just trying to give you a different perspective. Glad everything turned out OK for your hand. smile


Starsky
_________________________
M54 W 54; D27 D25 S21 S18 GD4 GD 2m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07
Filed 4 D 7/07
Piecing 07-10
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

Top
#2234028 - 03/28/12 09:16 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9288
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Originally Posted By: Sad in WI
Starsky,

I was glad that she set everything up. I took it a nice gesture, nothing more nothing less. Once less thing I had to do today.

SIW


I'm with you SIW, it helps to have someone who is able to expedite things in the world of health care. I'd pull every string I had access to! wink
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

Top
#2234297 - 03/30/12 01:27 AM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: labug]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Labug,

You sure were right about the ups and downs. Texted W to lt her know I was picking up D6 and that I would make dinner so she could go to her kick boxing class. We have been waiting for a reund for my sons hoky and it had not come yet.

Told her that we should send a f/u email to inquire on the status. W told me she to it yesterday. Told her that I was only concerned that it was sent back and that I was not concerned w/ what she did with it. Stated that finances have been going well. I was told it has not always been that way. I walked away and did some house work.

This was a complete 180 from ow she was. Wednesday night he said I been doing an A+ job as a dad and husband.

I am not mad/sad because of how she is acting more like avoiding and having a whatever attitude.

Some days will be great and others will be like this.

SIW
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2234351 - 03/30/12 11:31 AM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
W woke up before the kids. R came up and she said that the reason she was acting this way towards me was because she was thinking about how I treated her and the kids in the past.

What do you say to such things? I told her that I cannot change the past. She then told me yet again that the change in my behavior is a temporary thing.

I will keep continuing to do what I am doing. Any other suggestions?
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

Top
#2234363 - 03/30/12 12:36 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9288
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Sad, although difficult to hear, I think this is great news! She is really stewing about this.

Now I think you need to really make sure that the changes are real and for you, to make you the SIW you want to be, not just to get her back. If they aren't this whole thing will back fire.

I would also say I can't change the past, I'm sorry you feel that way (when you may not agree with her view on a particular issue), I understand why you might feel that way. You've apologized, so I think apologizing over and over is counter-productive.

Are you getting out and doing some activities just for you, without the kids. I'd make that a priority to and don't share what you do in your personal time with the W. Even if it's going to see a movie by yourself.

Have fun!
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

Top
#2234381 - 03/30/12 02:24 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: labug]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
W sent me this email this morning:

How do I change how I feel? It has been years of this. It would have been easier for me if you would have just beat the s*** out of me, that is something I know how to deal with. Emotional abuse is not. You have been doing a great job with the kids lately but it feels to me like you are trying to manipulate me in to staying with you.

I really don't know what to do any more, maybe I should move and just be away from you. I need time to think. I feel like a failure because I don't/can't love you and I am going to destroy the kids because of the way you have been with them lately. They are going to hate me if I make them leave and if I didn't know better I would think that is why you have been acting so good with them lately.

I have been doing it so long by myself that I don't know what to do now that you are helping out. I don't know if my feelings can change.

What do I do with this?
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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