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#2229970 - 03/13/12 12:02 AM Re: Six weeks of separation and counting [Re: kml]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8689
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I hoped that's what Shaky meant but,

Originally Posted By: kml
Still, my ex had a chip on his shoulder about being the sole breadwinner - and he definitely didn't value the very hard work I did as a homemaker (I've been in the workforce - I'll take going to a job anyday over raising three kids! Don't get me wrong, I love 'em and it was great to be able to be home with them - but it is DEFINITELY the harder job!


a lot of people, even in this day and age, don't get the above.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2230170 - 03/13/12 03:36 PM Re: Six weeks of separation and counting [Re: labug]
ptcr Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/12
Posts: 88
Hi y'all, well H has a problem with spending. As a SAHM, I never felt "right" about making a comment. When I did, I was reprimanded (just ran across that comment today from old MC session years ago - stop focusing on our debt). That said, if we lived w/i our budget we could be out of debt fairly quickly. My working would have very little to do with this as his income is roughly 12x what mine is.

I am an old school Navy wife and SAHM married 22 years and have moved my family 12 times including to Europe and back. Was even told during New Wife Indoc...seriously, at Whiting Field, that I was not to make my husband late for work, I was to keep my s***t together and not cry when he was getting ready to go flying, I was to understand he was in service to our country and my job was to be of service to my husband. Seriously. A Navy Captain coached us new Ensign wives! LOL! Bet they aren't doing that anymore. I was in the first class of wives NOT allowed to taxi the T34 around the field frown Those were the days of Officer's Wives Clubs, calling cards, luncheons at the O Club, lots of volunteer work, frequent moves, starting a family at the ripe old age of 26, and the support of a squadron. Life in civilian world pales by comparison. This is when I obviously started losing myself for the greater good of my husband, his squadron, the Navy, our country's freedom. And I loved every minute of it. We were young, patriotic, moving to incredible places, having beautiful kids, making lifelong friends.

Fast forward to today...I have worked p/t for the past 4 years and it was an issue to my H that I was NOT available when he was home from a trip. He is an airline pilot. They are gone every holiday, birthday, anniversary, school play, sports playoff, etc. When they are home, they want your undivided attention. Their schedule is so erratic that, for the most part, it does not make work, even p/t work, something for the family to handle. He is solid gone, overseas gone, 1/2 of every month. I am the one to run to school with the lunch, cart a car load to youth group, and stay home with sick children. If he is home, he is a great Dad but if he is gone and we are all throwing up, then I am the one who has to figure out how to feed the dog, pay the bills and get to the store for some Gatorade. No pity party here. I LOVE my life, my children, and my H...but it is NOT easy. Working f/t has not EVER been an option for our family. So....I volunteer. I am the room mom, the Scout mom, the youth group mom, the hockey mom, the mom with cold drinks and ice cream on hot summer days, the mom who helped build the half pipe in our back yard so the boys and their friends could skate at OUR house. Because if H was on a trip, then who was going to do it? I would not trade these years for a seven figure 401K. It has, however, left me wondering who I AM!!!! Clearly, this led to the downfall.

That said, a job may be a good option for my mental health, but for now my IC says enjoy the quiet and the peace and let time be my friend. I am busy reading about codependency and deciding what color my parachute is smile
_________________________
Me: 44 H: 45
Married 22
S 18, S 16
Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12

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#2230172 - 03/13/12 03:39 PM Re: Six weeks of separation and counting [Re: ptcr]
ptcr Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/12
Posts: 88
Mishka, load factors are IN our favor! Looks like I will be sitting in first class sipping champagne before takeoff. Love the lay flat seats.
_________________________
Me: 44 H: 45
Married 22
S 18, S 16
Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12

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#2230173 - 03/13/12 03:40 PM Re: Six weeks of separation and counting [Re: ptcr]
ptcr Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/12
Posts: 88
Oh, and I will take those questions and journal on my iPad while I am away...thanks for the suggestion.
_________________________
Me: 44 H: 45
Married 22
S 18, S 16
Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12

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#2230178 - 03/13/12 03:54 PM Re: Six weeks of separation and counting [Re: ptcr]
ptcr Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/12
Posts: 88
Update....

Read the Solo Partner about pursuing/distancing. Wow. Pretty much right on target.

Update on the sitch...S18 home from weekend trip to Philly earlier than expected. Was able to go to S16's hockey game. Around 5 I let him know his D was going to be there. He has not seen him in 8 weeks. The tears start. He doesn't want to go because it will be too awkward but does want to see his D. I explain to him my plan, standing for our family, my M, forgiving my H and loving him where he is RIGHT NOW, and acknowledging that it hurts, validating S18's feelings...my sweet, sweet boy who looks like a grown man crying about seeing his D.

It occurs to me that it was weirder than anything at hockey rink for us too so suggest we see if D wants to meet us for pizza, neutral locale, etc. I couldn't decide if fell into category of pursuit or not but with tears flowing, I decided to follow my common sense.

So, text H to see if he has eaten and if he wants to meet for pizza. He says sure and will meet us in 30 minutes.

We drive there, get comfy booth, and wait. My H came in and gave S18 big hug, gave me all the Euros he had at his house for our trip, and we had lovely dinner and conversation and then off to S16's hockey game in separate cars. We even traded cars with so S18 could drive his new car (newer version of car S18 drives).

Stand together at hockey game, talk to friends who know the sitch and were perplexed...the Heinekens I had with pizza were giving me marvelous calm.

Kids go to leave after a win and he hugs all of them and then comes and gives me a hug goodbye. He then asks if he can drive us to the airport to save on parking because he will land at about the same time we do on Sunday. I say he does not have to but he insists so I agreed. We stood around for about 15 minutes and talked about the kids, etc, and then left.

My heart was singing with joy that we managed to get through the night without tears or drama. It was great...we just arrived and departed to our separate homes. The boys were confused but happy to have spent time together as a family, saying "that was weird but cool." Was this DB? Who knows. It was what was right for my S18 who is taking this so hard.

This attention is dangerous I know. I prayed vehemently that I have NO expectations. I will continue to initiate no contact and offer no invitations, yet mirror him, validate his feelings, and accept his help when he offers it.
_________________________
Me: 44 H: 45
Married 22
S 18, S 16
Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12

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#2230181 - 03/13/12 03:58 PM Re: Six weeks of separation and counting [Re: ptcr]
ptcr Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/12
Posts: 88
Oh, something else. Did I say too much???? When discussing after game S18's GF of 3-1/2 years and their issues (S18 thinks he can live with her this summer so he can intern in the city??? NO!!!!!), I told him that she was planning to come to the game but that I put my foot down and said she was not invited and that this was our family time and I wanted to make this as comfortable as possible for S18 and H to see each other after so long. He thanked me for thinking of him and their relationship. Did I do too much? I think I showed compassion for them both. This is what my heart told me to do and since I am spending much of my days in prayer, I decided it was an opportunity from above to make a miserable situation better.
_________________________
Me: 44 H: 45
Married 22
S 18, S 16
Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12

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#2230189 - 03/13/12 04:19 PM Re: Six weeks of separation and counting [Re: ptcr]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Spending time together as a family is not counter to DB if you handle it right. If you project that you don't care if H shows up, doesn't show up, has a good time, doesn't have a good time and none of it is going to effect you, then you are fine, and by all means do what is best for your kids, including supporting a relationship with their father. Some folks have trouble not sliding into using the kids as an excuse to make contact. As long as you stay resolute in your "give space and act as if", then spend time together. I think you handled the whole scene above remarkably well.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2230256 - 03/13/12 07:58 PM Re: Six weeks of separation and counting [Re: Accuray]
mishka422 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/07
Posts: 9670
Loc: GA
I am seriously impressed PTC. That was handled very well and helped your S18 tremendously!

BRAVO!

Auf Wiedersehen! Werfen Sie einen wunderschönen Urlaub!
_________________________
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!


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#2230465 - 03/14/12 03:10 PM Re: Six weeks of separation and counting [Re: mishka422]
ptcr Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/12
Posts: 88
Ok...i see your point Accuray. I don't intend to make this a habit for the reasons you listed...i.e., he has called S16 to have dinner without including me. Of course, S16 denied him. I am glad that the "ice" is broken with S18 though.

Update...He drove us to the airport yesterday. When we went to part, he hugged me again (after the kids) and looked down at me like he was going to kiss me goodbye and he had the saddest look in his eyes. I have cried and cried since then. It was clumsy and awkward and super weird, but I just smiled and said "see ya" while moving away. It has put me in a foul mood for this trip...that darn expectation thing. This is so painful....soo sooo sooo painful.

That said, I did email him that we arrived and are in Berlin. Hesitated to do that, but we are half way around the world and it seemed the right thing to do. He is picking us up on Sunday too.

Is this a bad idea. If my tears are an indication I say yes it is a bad idea. I don't know how to DB in a happy go lucky way and then detach again as soon as he leaves to save my sanity.

No discussions at all about anything more serious than plans, news, kids, money....so that is good.

Wrote in journal madly on train to Berlin.

He looks like he has aged in the 6 weeks since he left. He went to the cardiologist and told me all about that too. I keep repeating that verse from Romans about all things working together for good...who knows what He will use to move this relationship in one direction or the other.

Off to sight see...
_________________________
Me: 44 H: 45
Married 22
S 18, S 16
Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12

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#2230491 - 03/14/12 04:05 PM Re: Six weeks of separation and counting [Re: ptcr]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Good work! WRT the email to H:

Originally Posted By: ptcrussell
That said, I did email him that we arrived and are in Berlin. Hesitated to do that, but we are half way around the world and it seemed the right thing to do. He is picking us up on Sunday too.


This is a case in point -- it was the right thing to do in every circumstance except this one. If I were a betting man I'd put some money on the fact that he didn't respond. Even if he did, that was an overture that you made.

That is precisely when you have to fight, when some little act of pursuit or contact "feels like the right thing to do". Stop yourself, question why you're doing it and what you expect. Keep yourself honest -- it's easy to say to yourself "it's ok this time because of the circumstance". Usually it isn't. If H was worried about your safe arrival, let him email you. If he complains that you didn't let him know about your arrival, ignore him unless you had previously agreed to let him know at his request.

Right now, keeping him up to date is no longer your responsibility unless the kids are sick or in trouble. He is responsible for getting updates from you.

If you try this approach and are faithful to it, he will reach out. You might have to wait 8x longer than you think, but he will reach out.

At that point, continue to let him lead. Do not grab the wheel again and start driving.

Sorry to pick on you over a nit given how you're feeling -- unfortunately when people post about their pursuing they usually leave a lot out.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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