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#2223684 - 02/20/12 06:05 PM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: mmayre16]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 9928
Loc: west coast
absolutely bring up the dependence thing in MC and get it out there.

It's a big issue for you (which I totally get and relate to)

and I'd like HIM to see this move (if you go) as a sacrifice by you, not him.

Make sure he hears you.

Good luck==otherwise you are doing great!
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2229747 - 03/12/12 08:50 AM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: 25yearsmlc]
mmayre16 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/17/11
Posts: 291
I've lost my mind.

I went to my IC on Saturday like I always do. This week was really stressful at work so it was good to be able to go, but I was so mentally and physically exhausted. So I came home and got on my laptop to check my email. H had been using it to look something up, and left his email open. So I did a search for OW's name.

I was floored. He apparently bought tickets to this year's Cochella festival last year and was selling them back to her. And I found all manner of inappropriate conversations in there. One took place 2 days after my daughter's birth while I was still in the hospital. I forwarded them to my email, at least as many as I could, and then he realized something was wrong.

I just lost it. I told him he had to have slept with her from what I found. He admitted that he kissed her once, but still insisted that he didn't sleep with her. I went ape sh!t.

I'm not proud of it, but I literally beat him for the next 5-10 minutes. He has scratches and bruises all over his body. He couldn't stop me because I was so enraged. I was also so exhausted I didn't do any major damage, and I had to stop a few times because I thought I was going to throw up. I thought I had given him a black eye, but the marks on his face cleared up quickly.

Luckily D was asleep at the time and had no idea what happened. She started to cry, so I told him to go deal with her. I told him to leave me alone and take care of her because I was not in a sound state of mind to do so. I then grabbed my keys and said, "don't call me" and left. I went to the bar I would always go to when I was pregnant and trying to be out of the house, except this time I got completely wasted. In the middle of the day. I didn't come home for several hours.

I FB'd her. I said, "I need to know if you slept with my husband. I already know that you kissed and had extremely inappropriate conversations with him to say the least. Please tell me".

When I came back home, I was really drunk. While I was out, H completely deleted all emails and conversations with her in both our emails and rebooted his phone. I was furious. When I came home, she called him. He didn't pick up. I FB'd her again and said, "I know you've called him. You need to talk to me. Be a real woman".

Of course, I haven't heard from her.

I want to make her life hell. I wish upon her stillbirths, miscarriages and severely disabled children who will drain her emotionally, physically and financially. I want her spouse to cheat on her while she's pregnant, and I want to beat her a$$.

I have virtually no debt on my CC and I now knew her address thanks to those emails. I thought of hoping on the first plane to California and kicking her a$$. I want to murder her.

I'm furious. I feel like I've been beaten with a lead pipe. I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. All I can think about when I look at H is what he said to her in those emails.

I just want to be in a coma for the foreseeable future. I don't even want to hold my child.

I don't know what to do.
_________________________
Me: 29
H: 31
D: 2
M: 5 years
T: 10 years
ILYBNILWY 2/28/11
I ask for trial separation: 6/3/11
H wants me home: 11/21/11
Found OW emails from 3/11: 3/12
Found pictures from 3/11: 9/12

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#2230290 - 03/13/12 05:21 PM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: mmayre16]
KenF Offline
Member

Registered: 07/01/08
Posts: 891
Loc: Central NJ
breathe.

start there.

are these new emails? or ones he's just kept for some stupid reason? ( and any reason is stupid. )


the shock of finding them, of him admitting he kissed her is difficult and painful. but you're going to have to step back a little.

you need to separate this into the appropriate categories to apply the appropriate weight to it.



1. if they're old emails, its him being extremely stupid, and callous. he kept them for sentimental reasons and completely inappropiate.

BUT, thats the extent of it. stupidity. but not new. its not a new affair, nothing new has happened.


2. if the selling the tickets is new, then thats also stupid, he could have sold them to anyone.

BUT, its just a bad choice of who to sell them to. bad judgement but not cheating. its not an affair.


3. IF they're new since you've returned, then that's a different story. that's what you need to decide on.


her calling is bad, but doesn't prove he's having an affair.

take some time to get your head straightened back out before any more decisions or FB posts.
_________________________
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".

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#2230300 - 03/13/12 05:34 PM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: mmayre16]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 3811
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: dueinMay


I FB'd her. I said, "I need to know if you slept with my husband. I already know that you kissed and had extremely inappropriate conversations with him to say the least. Please tell me".


D.I.M.,

Please don't make decisions (or take actions) like this when you're so highly emotional, and CERTAINLY not when you're drunk. We can help you with this stuff, here, but only if you come and post here first.

For the record, the correct way to flush out an affair is to go to your SPOUSE (not the OP), and you say "I know ALL ABOUT you and ________ , and it needs to stop -- now. This is incredibly direspectful to me, to our marriage and to our kid(s)." (or something similar). By saying "I know all about it," you use the power of them NOT knowing what YOU know, and so therefore, they have to ASSUME YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.

When you say "I know you kissed, but did you do anything else," then you've just let the cheating couple know the extent of your evidence. Not smart.

I know you're reeling, but please don't do anything just right now.


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2230395 - 03/14/12 01:40 AM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: Starsky309]
mmayre16 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/17/11
Posts: 291
No, not new emails, thankfully. Well, the Cochella thing is new, but the purchase of them are not new. He purchased them last June for this year's festival (I guess you have to buy them that far in advance?? I saw the email so I know it's legit). He says several coworkers from that site were refreshing at the same time to obtain tickets and he was one of the lucky ones. Agreed that he was stupid to sell them to her, but that all seems to be square.

I'm not looking into the keeping of the emails so much as the lying. He had me fairly convinced that there was no real EA. That it was just a close friendship that he did not realize could easily be misconstrued as crossing the line. That's the primary reason I'm ticked. He lied and I bought it. Also, there was sh!t from her up to October 2nd. Although I will say this, there wasn't .... inappropriate things per se in the emails in the Fall, but there were things from her that said, "PICK UP THE PHONE!! You are so selfish. I hate you. I'm not dealing with you unless it's for work". Clearly SHE felt something was still going on, even though he is still adamant that there was nothing of the sort going on. Said that he stopped inappropriate conversations in the spring, but still talked to her casually in the summer and she couldn't take a hint.

Pisses me off he never straight up said, "I love my wife, screw off".

H texted her and asked if she got the FB messages. She said she didn't know what he was talking about, and so I emailed her (which he was fine with. He was fine with the FB too). She did email me back. This is what I got:

"I have not received any Facebook messages from you and I just recently looked again and do not see any messages. To be honest with you, I have not slept with your H, ever. And I do not want to. The things you wrote about happened a year ago and I am done with it. I do not want any thing from your H. If I talk it is only for work related reasons"

Well, I have to hand it to her for at least responding. But is it just me, or is this slightly dismissive? "The things you wrote about happened a year ago and I am done with it". Is the subtext here "yeah that's in the past, so build a bridge..."

I'm sorry. This is just a f-ing blip on her radar of life. But this event will have consequences on my family for years to come. I tallied it up. I spent over $5000 on sh!t directly related to all this crap last year. 5k. And who knows I will continue to literally and figuratively pay for this episode in the future.

I've thought about responding with this:

"Thank you, first and foremost for responding to me. I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to communicate with me; however, I am flabbergasted and disgusted that any woman would conduct such inexcusable behavior with a married man, especially one whose wife is expecting. It's not like you didn't know of my existence. How nice for you that this "happened a year ago and you are done with it". This will be with my family and me for the rest of our days. I have already spent over $5000 on expenses directly related to this mess you helped create, and I will continue to "pay" for this literally and figuratively for years to come. How dare you have such explicit conversations with my husband while I am next to him laying in the hospital bed recovering from giving birth. It seems apparent that you have no moral compass or ethics, so I will end my tirade here as I am sure lessons on fidelity will be wasted on a person like yourself who clearly lacks these attributes. You will never know the hell that you put me through or the things you have stolen from me. And if by chance your future spouse completely loses his mind, some tramp at work encourages him to get a divorce, he has an emotional affair with her and essentially abandons you while you're pregnant; good. You deserve it."

Let me add on some key information: H is extremely remorseful about what happened. He is fine with me contacting her as much as necessary (as long as it's not on company email). He has been a little snippy the past few days when I start to ask more questions. But then I remind him that had he not done this bullsh!t in the first place and then been honest on the MULTIPLE occasions I gave him to explain then we wouldn't be in this mess, then he straightens up. So, knowing he's supportive, what do you think?
_________________________
Me: 29
H: 31
D: 2
M: 5 years
T: 10 years
ILYBNILWY 2/28/11
I ask for trial separation: 6/3/11
H wants me home: 11/21/11
Found OW emails from 3/11: 3/12
Found pictures from 3/11: 9/12

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#2230455 - 03/14/12 10:43 AM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: mmayre16]
KenF Offline
Member

Registered: 07/01/08
Posts: 891
Loc: Central NJ
dont send it. write it for yourself, but never send it. she's not worth it. there's nothing wrong with it, but its not something you should send.

i can understand that you feel as if she were condescending, but as an outsider, i didnt read it that way. she was very matter of fact, almost unemotional. she's not the issue here.

you sound much better today. again, give it a couple more days, and keep breathing.

it is old stuff. remember that.

but the lying is hurtful, and needs to be addressed.

i'm speculating when this first started, he was lying as self-preservation, he made a mistake and knew it. then he had to keep lying as to not damage what little trust you had for him, since you were out the door. and now that he's caught, again, he may come clean on everything. thats something for MC to discuss.

in my estimation, he has lots of maturing to do. i'd say growing up, he was conditioned to get out of situations in the easiest, quickest way possible hoping it would never backfire.

Theres a balance you need to find, and it will be difficult. He needs to come clean, even if you already know everything. and you need to let him come clean. if the consequences are too harsh, (although depending on the facts it may be fully justified) he may just continue to lie. but he has to understand that lying also not acceptable.

does that make sense?
_________________________
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".

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#2230458 - 03/14/12 10:49 AM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: KenF]
KenF Offline
Member

Registered: 07/01/08
Posts: 891
Loc: Central NJ
also, when letting him come clean, you need to remember what was past is past. (or is it whats past is passed ?)

if its that these are old lies, and you're just finding out about them now, remember they're old lies.

if they're new lies to cover up new actions, then that carries a different weight.

if he's not telling new lies, then he has learned from the past, and thats a good thing.
_________________________
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".

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#2230552 - 03/14/12 02:36 PM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: KenF]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
A few questions.

Are you seeing anyone for yourself to deal with his A last year? I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid but the physical abuse is startling. Whether or not he deserves it, it is not an appropriate response. You could have put something at risk if he took it differently. (sorry to sound lecturing because I know this is tough).

Getting drunk...same thing, IMO. If you aren't seeing a therapist, I'd consider it.

There is a lot of anger -that's justified, but in the end the anger will not serve your M or your D any good. Good luck.
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

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#2232239 - 03/20/12 09:54 PM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: Harrier]
mmayre16 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/17/11
Posts: 291
Yes, I've been seeing a T weekly since October. And yes, I'm aware of how inappropriate both the violence and the drinking was. My T didn't.... condone it... however she also didn't express a whole lot of concern over it. I'm not that concerned over it either. But that was the first time ever I've drank and drank and drank for the sole purpose of not feeling anything anymore. Also the first time I've ever physically attacked someone.

The last 10 days have been terrible. I found out on Monday I had a nasty case of the flu (I guess good for H... I knew I felt weak when I was attacking him, but I chalked it up to mental anguish). Despite the fact that I was really ill, I still had to pack up my house. And take care of my 10 month old. So that was fun, packing, child care, and the flu.

I was still so exhausted yesterday that I was only able to work half a day yesterday. D stays with my grandparents during the day, and they continued to take care of her while I slept in another room. I was passed out for almost 6 hours.

H left for Cali on Sunday afternoon and will be back tomorrow morning. My phone has been having connectivity issues, so I called our carrier to figure out what's going on. We tried some troubleshooting that didn't require account access (it's in H's name), but we got nowhere. They told me they couldn't do anything else about it without having account access.

Given all the BS H has put me through, especially lately, I assumed that he would give me the pin code to the account.

H wouldn't.

I was furious. He tried everything to resolve the issue for me without giving me access to the account.

Extremely long story short, he tried to throw out every crap excuse out there to not give me the account, to try to make me look bad, to try to get out of the argument and to... in essence, threaten me (so what are you going to do if I don't give it to you?). I called his crap on every excuse and told him it was all ridiculous.

I still never got the code. I got a lot of crap apologies. He swears that he'll open the account for me when he comes home tomorrow and we can go over the call records together.

I want him to give up control. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of bending over backwards and him getting all of the say so.

He is such an exhausting man.
_________________________
Me: 29
H: 31
D: 2
M: 5 years
T: 10 years
ILYBNILWY 2/28/11
I ask for trial separation: 6/3/11
H wants me home: 11/21/11
Found OW emails from 3/11: 3/12
Found pictures from 3/11: 9/12

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#2232312 - 03/21/12 07:30 AM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: mmayre16]
KenF Offline
Member

Registered: 07/01/08
Posts: 891
Loc: Central NJ
just keep working through this, dont give in to frustration. you're being over stressed with the move and its being displayed in your actions, thoughts, and health.

and everything is exhausting. it will always be exhausting, regardless of who its with. thats life. get used to it.

of course that means you have to work to keep the relationship worth being exhausted over.

he does not have to give you the control, dont assume its a bad thing. it may simply mean that he also needs to control something, even something as mundane as the phone.

everyone needs to feel in control of something, its a way to feel worth. and during the move, he may need to feel power over something.

you have to find a healthy balance between dealing with real issues and what issues can wait. sunday to thursday is not that long. OR, were you just trying to find/make a reason to get the pin? and yes, i've done that too.

just keep moving forward. dont be overwhelmed with the small stuff, but at the same time, protect yourself.
_________________________
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".

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