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#2232682 - 03/22/12 07:37 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: RoRoinMD]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
OK, so if you snoop and you find out something bad. How will you feel? Pretty shyty I bet...

Right now you already feel shyty. She will do what she is going to do no matter what.

What if you detach now and just tell yourself "whatever?" Let her do her thing and you get your life together and take care of yourself. I know, easier said than done.

Doubt this? Go check out the archive of success stories. Snooping only prolonged the possibility any potential reconciliation. If not, at least you took the high road.
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

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#2232700 - 03/22/12 08:21 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: Mach1]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
I recommend that if your going to post in a thread that you read the back story. That way you can offer some advice worth thinking about and structure your thoughts based on the stitch. The majority of the posts after my last post look like the previous posts were not read. And its only a few pages long.

Just saying. And no I do not want to thread cap this with a discussion on it.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

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#2232703 - 03/22/12 08:31 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: chatterbug]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/12
Posts: 871
Originally Posted By: chatterbug
I recommend that if your going to post in a thread that you read the back story. That way you can offer some advice worth thinking about and structure your thoughts based on the stitch. The majority of the posts after my last post look like the previous posts were not read. And its only a few pages long.

Just saying. And no I do not want to thread cap this with a discussion on it.


Surely you knew someone was going to respond to this. LOL

I personally was responding specifically to Holly Ann's post. Not anything that was posted beforehand. Maybe if you read the last few posts, you will get that.

We are all here to help each other, not put down anyone on what they post. I understand your point, but your comment about offering advice worth thinking about was uncalled for, and frankly kind of rude. j/s
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

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#2232730 - 03/22/12 10:56 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: Mach1]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
Originally Posted By: Mach1
JC...

Right now, The relationship should really take a back burner to the welfare of your Son...

You are the primary caregiver....yes ?

His primary residence is in the home you stay in ??

You have no income right now, and were a stay at home Dad ?

Wife has moved out ?

Household bills were paid from an account that she furnished the funds to ???



Yes to all of the above.
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

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#2232734 - 03/22/12 11:14 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
I contacted the lawyer today and he said he will have the temporary orders ready to go Friday. I'm not sure when they judge will see them but at least progress is being made.

W picked up my son today and apologized for what she said. She said just to tell her how much I need for gas and groceries and she will pay all of the bills from her new bank account.

She also told me she is stressing about not having him this weekend. She asked me how I did it and I just smiled and said nothing. She also asked if we had something fun planned and I said i'm sure I will think of something. Truth be told I might just be working this weekend. I'm crossing my fingers that I get a call tomorrow. So I'm happy that I am making progress moving forward but I'm upset that I might not get to spend the whole weekend with my son. I'm keeping my potential job a secret for now because I want to avoid a fight about visitation. I'm sure she will tell me since I can't be with him to let her have him. I would rather she felt what I felt like last weekend when I didn't have him.

This is so ridiculous. During our first attempt at Reconciliation she told me she resented me for staying at home. She didn't realize how much her maternal instincts would kick in and she wanted to be a stay at home mom. The irony now is that her time with him will be cut in half because of the D!

I saw my therapist today and she had some interesting things to say. Mainly that in her opinion my wife was looking to leave the marriage back when I began therapy. She was pointing the finger at me and accusing me of being the problem. However, since I made major changes in my behavior quickly she no longer had that to be mad about. So now she is full denial of our problems and is angry. I think the DR book is working. She was expecting me to behave in a certain way i.e crying, begging, bargaining, but I've been cool and collective. I think it is frustrating her.

As I was typing this she called me and asked why I was being secretive. LOL. She wanted to know what I had planned for this weekend. I just said not to worry about him and we will be having fun. She wants to "imagine" what he will be doing over the weekend.
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

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#2232798 - 03/23/12 11:51 AM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3744
Originally Posted By: jc180

Yes to all of the above.



I just wanted to be clear...

Everything that was posted, seemed to be so ...one way or the other.



I agree with what Cbug is saying, you have to protect yourself.

What I am suggesting is...that you address only the things that need to be addressed today..

What you are feeling, is coming from your emotions, and rarely do decisions made from emotion, turn out well...

I'm not sure if it too late or not...but once you ring that Divorce bell, you can't un-ring it....

I'm assuming that it is not what you want, so why should you work toward that ???

I recommend talking with your lawyer about filing a temporary custody and support order through juvenile court. It would be immediate, and yield the results you are looking for, and would also allow you some time to make these other decisions after you can get to a clearer state of mind...

I also recommend that you keep a calendar of the time you are with your Son, and with your spouse. I would also start a daily journal of events, write out any interactions , and arguments.

This is also part of protecting yourself and your time with your Son.


As far as sharing with her....



You can share what you are comfortable sharing. IF you can handle the interactions, and be a positive ray of light ?

Then, why not....

Just make sure when you withhold information, you do it for the right reasons....

I think you may have some "revenge" thinking in your system, and a child should never be used as a "pawn"...

If you are comfortable with 50% custody, then work towards that.....nothing more, nothing less...

If you feel that you want full custody ? ( based on what you have done in the past, I can see you working for that), then make sure you are doing it for the right reasons...

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#2232840 - 03/23/12 03:44 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: Mach1]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
Hi Mach1 I just came on here to see if Jc180 was writing all this down. As I failed to mention it earlier. It is an extremely important step. To document everything. It helps legally and it helps emotionally.

JC when you journal. Take some time out to journal what you see as your problems. But make sure you always balance it with what you see as her problems.

As it takes two people to break a marriage. As it takes two people to put a marriage back together.

And remember that the legal divorce and the emotional side are separate.

You need to figure out yourself if you want to attempt to save the marriage or not.

The legal aspects are for the protection of your son and your wellbeing. This is a goal you have stated from the get go.



It was good to see that reason came into play between you two and you could communicate as adults about the bills. And as Mach says. Always remain respectful, honest and fair. It will help you more in the long run than anything else.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

Top
#2232868 - 03/23/12 06:48 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
PrincessP Offline
Member

Registered: 02/28/12
Posts: 54
Loc: NJ
Originally Posted By: jc180

I saw my therapist today and she had some interesting things to say. Mainly that in her opinion my wife was looking to leave the marriage back when I began therapy. She was pointing the finger at me and accusing me of being the problem. However, since I made major changes in my behavior quickly she no longer had that to be mad about. So now she is full denial of our problems and is angry.


Very interesting that your therapist identified that this circumstance as a turning point or a subtle message whether to themself or you about the M getting to or at a bad place. It makes me wonder if my H did the same subconsciously. Weird. I have to explore this with my therapist.
_________________________
M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already

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#2233159 - 03/25/12 02:23 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: PrincessP]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
I had a meeting with my attorney and he showed me the temp orders. It basically ask that everything be kept the same until the end of the divorce. I get to stay in the house and she has to keep paying the bills. Just to clarify I do not want a divorce. The reason I filed first is because I felt I had to in order to protect my access to my son. I also felt pressured by her because she has all of the power and she insinuated that she was going to have me kicked out and would restrict me from my son. It was not an easy choice.

I considered the advice that I may have "revenge" thinking. I feel that it may be sub-conscience. I would never knowingly use my son as a pawn. To be clear when I said I wanted her to feel what I felt last weekend I meant it in a hopeful way. That she would realize how devastating D would be for all of us. Also, through out all of this she has shown a lack of understanding of what D will be like. For example, immediately after the Bomb she kept insisting that separation is what she wanted. During one conversation I asked her to tell me what separation meant to her. She said "divorce". I was so upset that all that time I was preparing for a separation, but she actually meant D. She said she thought they were the same thing! This is a smart woman. How could she not know the difference. When I asked her what our D life would be like she said, "well, when I go to work you will come over and watch our son. When I come home you will leave to your house" when I asked how was I supposed to support myself she said she would pay me. My response was less than calm! I told her that wasn't divorce that was turning me into a nanny.

Another time she told me "next year if we aren't divorced we should renew our wedding vows." When I told the MC she laughed. My wife's actions and words go from one extreme to another. It's like she cannot exist in the middle. When I ask her to explain that statement she just says "I don't know!"

In spite of everything I do love her and I do want to save the marriage. She is just so confusing. Even her parents asked me if I thought there was something wrong with her brain. She was upset at me this weekend because I didn't keep her updated on our son. I told her he was fine and she was free to call me any time. Her response was that I didn't text her updates because it was not convenient for me. She wasn't always this way. I wish the aliens that kidnapped her would please return her and take this clone back.
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

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#2233327 - 03/26/12 01:04 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
What is your goals this week JC?
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

Top
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