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#2230147 - 03/13/12 02:07 PM looking for hope
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
After reading these forum for the past two days I thought I should share my story. I would welcome any and all advice and thoughts.

After a particularly bad fight about money last March my wife's attitude began to change. She was more distant but I ignored it because she is the type of person that can hold a grudge for a very long time. But as time went on we began to argue more and more. We were both unhappy but for different reasons. So I decided I would do something about to change myself. I did not like who I had become in the last two years and I wanted it to change. So I went to see a psychologist.

This is some background on why I needed to go:
2009 was a very rough year for us. It started off great because I had just graduated college the following December and my wife was pregnant. All of our plans were going great. We agreed I would be a stay at home dad. My son was born in August.

In November my best friend was killed by a hit and run driver. The depression was overwhelming. A few weeks after that I was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Thank God it was stage 1 and I had a very high survival rate. Still I am prone to anxiety and it hit me very hard. My surgery went great and I have not had any related problems since then.

Fast forward to 2011 and therapy is going great. I made real progress in dealing with anxiety and my related temper. I though things were going good. Until last August when my wife told me she no longer wanted to be with me. It was a total shock to me. She said she felt she was carrying the load of the marriage on her back. She resented that I was a stay at home dad while she had to go and work. She no longer wanted to invest in me and she felt I had manipulated her for years. I had all of the typical reactions. I argued, begged, pleaded, bargained. Everything! I listened to her arguments and agreed that some things were true. I've focused hard on the past and realize that I did my part to damage the marriage. I agreed that I did take things for granted and I did not invest as much as I should have. I was not concerned about the future. Her main contention was that I never worked as hard as she did. In fact while I went to school I didn't work. Little did I know that she was unhappy with this arrangement even though it was her idea.

So she recommended going to a Marriage counselor. We went for a just 4 sessions before she made the announcement that she no longer wanted to be married to me. I truly believe I made every effort to make her happy at that point. Everyone we knew was telling me how much I had changed. I was 100 percent focused on our family and making her happy. It turned out she resented me even more for being a "perfect" husband. I was devastated. How could she divorce me when our son was only 2 and I worked so hard?

Her behavior during therapy and up until this point was a roller coaster. She would say one thing and do another. One day I'm the source of every problem in her life and the next day she wants to have sex and cuddle on the couch. I was going crazy trying to figure her out.

We both stayed at home to be closer to our child, but she was adamant that she wanted a divorce. However, a week later her parents sat her down and she had a change of heart. She was raised in a religious house and they reminded her of her moral obligations. I thought this was fantastic. I thought my prayers had been answered.

We put off going back to counseling until she finished the last few months of her Masters degree. While I was reading books on marriage and trying extra hard to reconcile she was having no part in it. She stopped wearing her wedding ring and began to spend more time at the gym than ever before. When I asked if we were making progress she would get angry and say "I'm here arent' I" She told me she only went to the new marriage counselor because I wanted her to. Some weeks would be great and other not so great. I took her to dance class with me and we starting going out more. Things were going so well I joked with my therapist that I was running out of things to complain about.

Until last week. I admit I can be need sometimes because I want to feel reassured about our marriage. I tried my best to keep my mouth shut and just keep following the 180 advice and following the love languages. But sometimes I would get weak and began questioning her about our relationship. This would only make her angry. So we had a big argument. I told her how the last few weeks gave me hope and happiness but the last couple of days she was so negative. She told me it was all her way of "trying" and she couldn't remember feeling good about any of that time. She couldn't even tell me any good memories about us, ever! We have been married almost 12 years and together for almost 18.

So she left for the night. I stayed home with our child. The next day our son was sick and instead of going with me to the doctor she went to the gym. I knew this time she was serious. The next day she asked me what my plans were. I told her I was going to stay home and take care of the house and baby like I normally do. I was also going to continue to look for work. I also was going to continue to try to be the best husband I could. If she stayed great but if you leave I can't stop you. I wish you would stay with us. Well she blew up and claimed I was making her leave and she packed her stuff and left.
It's been about 6 days now and she only comes to visit our son for a few hours and leaves in the evening. I am staying positive and not acting out or saying anything bad to her. She is ignoring me when I see her in person, but she sends me text saying I need to leave the house and I'm keeping her from her son. That he prefers her and I am being unreasonable. It is my belief that as his primary care taker I should try to keep his life as stable as possible. It hurts me to know that she would rather leave than do anything possible to stay close to him.

Today I am going to ask my attorney to file for divorce. I'm torn as to what to do. On one hand I feel I have to protect my access to my son and ensure that she continues to pay the bills. On the other hand I feel like I am giving up and I absolutely want her back. She is so cold and distant from me. If I only had a glimmer of hope I wouldn't file. Can filing for divorce be a 180 if she claims I am not a man and I only want to stay married for the comfort she provides? Am I right thinking she is going through a MLC?
Thanks for reading.
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

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#2230454 - 03/14/12 02:43 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5255
Originally Posted By: jc180
Today I am going to ask my attorney to file for divorce. I'm torn as to what to do. On one hand I feel I have to protect my access to my son and ensure that she continues to pay the bills. On the other hand I feel like I am giving up and I absolutely want her back. She is so cold and distant from me. If I only had a glimmer of hope I wouldn't file. Can filing for divorce be a 180 if she claims I am not a man and I only want to stay married for the comfort she provides? Am I right thinking she is going through a MLC?


Welcome to the board.

Nothing wrong with going to an attorney to find out your rights but I would not FILE for divorce if you do not want to be divorced.

If she is going through a MLC nothing you DO is going to stop it or turn it around.

Hopefully some one will come around and post the 37 rules to you, their are also resources on the MLC board that you can read about that.

Right now you are on moderation, please keep posting in small frequent posts on this thread until you get to 100 posts. Or you can give advice to others on their threads.
But in general stick to one for yourself.
_________________________
Me-60, D28,S27

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#2230721 - 03/15/12 03:35 AM Re: looking for hope [Re: Cadet]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
Thanks for the info.
I did actually file. I was torn but I think I made the right decision. She made threats and I wanted to protect my right to see my son. Since then we sat down and tried to come up with some compromises. So far we are not close to coming to an agreement. My goals right now are to find a job so I can prepare for my new life. I still hold out hope and I want her to change her mind. I ordered Divorce Remedy and received it yesterday.
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

Top
#2230882 - 03/15/12 04:29 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: Cadet]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2541
Loc: Piney Land
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2230976 - 03/15/12 09:52 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: Rick1963]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
Originally Posted By: Rick1963
(But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.


Amazing! This is what I did a week ago. We had a good month and she became distant again. I knew I shouldn't have asked but I couldn't help it. It started a hurtful conversation that turned into a fight. That's when she told me she wanted a divorce again. She moved out that night.

She always told me she didn't hate me, but she didn't love me. I guess she is feeling the pain of being separated from our son because when I refused to leave the house she told me now she hated me.

People are telling me to act as if I'm getting on with my life and not to make things convenient for her. Anytime I tell her I can't do something she tells me something nasty. I just respond that I know it is hard on her.
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

Top
#2231287 - 03/16/12 10:35 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
Today is going to be a rough day. I told my W she can take our son for the weekend. She is staying at her sisters house. I've only been away from him 2 nights since he was born. Once was because I was having surgery. I think since we are going to have to share custody later on, I might as well start now. I hope having him to herself without my help will give her a glimpse of what life will be like without me. As a stay at home dad I do most of the work taking care of him. Family are telling me she does not know what she is in for. I keeping hoping the reality of the situation will make her come back home. However, I am reminded that at any time she could have come back but she hasn't.
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

Top
#2231440 - 03/17/12 06:59 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
Last night was horrible. It was the first night I spent alone without my wife and son. I went out to dinner and drinks with my BF. As I got closer to home my heart began to pound. When I got inside I said, "I'm home" and the grief overcame me. I don't think I've ever cried so hard. I was sad and angry at the same time.
So today is another day and I made a list of things to do. Have to keep GAL going. So now that I've been looking for work I have to get some new clothes. I went on an interview yesterday and I didn't like the way I looked. You see last August my wife forced me to the gym. Later on she complained that it was just another example of me not caring about the family. She felt like "my mother" trying to get me to care about my health. I see her point because since I only have one kidney now I have to do my best to avoid diabetes. Fast forward to yesterday and my clothes are way too big. I've lost 34 pounds in 7 months. That is one thing I don't want to backslide on.
I'm confused about something. When my wife text and ask how my son is doing should I be honest. Sometimes he cries for his mommy, but I'm afraid if I tell her that. She might see it as a manipulation. Like i'm trying to get her to feel bad about leaving. So should I continue to tell her he is fine?
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

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#2231547 - 03/18/12 01:28 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
I got a text last night from W. She wanted to talk. Of course I got my hopes up when I knew I shouldn't have. She wanted to discuss custody and visitation. While I was talking to her I had the DR book in front of me and the list of 37 on the screen to remind me of what I have to do. So I tried as best as I could to keep things civil. Well as soon as I don't agree with her on something she begins to get angry. Now i'm being accused of projecting my parents divorce onto my son. She also told me again that I am not thinking about whats best for our son. This is just so frustrating because she is treating our divorce like a business deal. I admit I raised my voice. I shouldn't have. By the end of the call she threatened to go "full force" with her attorney.

I was so angry after the call I was ranting and raving to my mother for over an hour. Then I came back down to earth and realized I shouldn't be that way. I have to remember she is operating from a position of hurt and fear. Reading the 37 gave me piece of mind. I accept that I alone am working on DB and it is going to be a long bumpy road.

One of her request is to spend family time together once a quarter for the first year. Is this a good thing?
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

Top
#2231559 - 03/18/12 02:48 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
Hi Jc. This is going to be tough. But you need to get your fiances in order.

As you are a stay at home father. But you need to make sure that you will have enough money to survive a few months if your wife decides to spend like crazy.

I would put this down as the number one goal this week. And make it happen's. You have mentioned that you are going to do this in your first post but have not followed up with a progress report. Make sure it happens.

2nd. Any time your WS talks about legal matters or threatens lawyer. Walk away. Tell her that her lawyer can talk to yours.

Do not be drawn into that world. It will become part of the framework for why she wants a divorce.

I apologize. I read, but I do not see where you state your wife is sleeping and living when she is away.

You are in a very difficult position. You are right where the two of you agreed for you to be. Did you ever talk about an exit strategy for you to enter the workforce again?

I am also going to say that you do not have all the information on what is going on.

I believe you need to do a little investigation on the gym and then branch out to other aspects of your wife's life that you do not fully know. Follow up on suspicions. I am not saying to snoop around. I am saying that you figure out exactly what your up against.

Your wife is going to try over and over to draw you into drama.
You need to develop a very thick hide and act 'as if'. It will be extremely difficult. But you must do this. It is for you. And you alone. Read the list Rick posted. It is stated in there over and over.

Keep with the tidying yourself up. Your wife looks at appearance and health very importantly.

Dress yourself up to her level. Then go beyond. Heck. Start going to her gym. Just not at the same time. It will help with finding out what is going on. And it will eventually help with meeting her needs on looks and appearance.

Another thing. Do not beat yourself about raising your voice. Just forget about it.

Non-issue.

Same with her anger.

When you disagree. End the conversation. Do not slide on your self respect here. Do not encourage the divorce.

When she says that you are not thinking what is best for your son.

Mention that you are doing everything in your power to raise your son in a loving stable home with two parents.

Then drop it. She is going to say many bizarre things over the next little while. Worst case you have to repeat it like you heard it and just add the words. " I am" .... in front of it.

Let her come to her own thoughts on that.

Protect your son. And if you can go for full custody on your son.
And build up the background for you looking and getting back into the workforce.

Worst case. You get into the workforce and have proof to show that you are doing everything to support yourself then your child if you do divorce.


When she comes at you to move out.

Do not.

If she wants help to find a place to live.

Do not help her.

But I remind you. Finances are #1. You need to learn how to become a walk away here so you can survive and take care of your son.

Take care.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

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#2231907 - 03/20/12 12:19 AM Re: looking for hope [Re: chatterbug]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
Thanks for the advice. After talking with an attorney I decided it was in my best interest to take half of the savings out of the bank. It should give me a few months to survive if I have to move in with a friend. But this cash is also what I have to pay the lawyer with. I've already had two interviews and I hope to get a job very soon. It won't pay much but at least I can show up to court with a job.

My W is living with her sister right now.

Our plan was for me to go back to school for my masters after my wife completed hers. After I was done my son would be old enough for pre-k. Well she got her masters and asked for a divorce two months later.

I agree that her behavior is becoming more bizarre. She told a friend of ours that everything was my fault and that I was a very jealous person. My jaw dropped because I have never been accused of being jealous. I was told she sounds very confused and in denial. Which fits in with what the first Therapist said.

As far as suspicions are concerned. I haven't been able to verify anything. I think I'd rather hope for the best but expect the worst when it comes to that.
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

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