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don't you hate it when virtue goes unrewarded?

I "saved myself" too...but fortunately changed that when I got to college.

BTW it's crucial to note that I don't know of any OWs in my sitch, to this day. Never suspected one, still don't.

I could have more easily cheated than he could have, given his schedule. So the situations are very different.

But back to THIS situation *** I thought her h was being very remorseful and interested in whether she could ever forgive him/get past this (he has to believe this or he won't bother trying and she has to at least be open to it)

and she sounded very angry, wanting to "hurt OW" and or expose to third parties.

I still don't advise doing any of that, but I missed the part where he has openly ended the A.

Has he or not?


BTW Telling you that OW called and he did not answer her call, is NOT "ending the affair."

But then, did the OW say something like "it's over" anyhow? So did they mutually end it or what?

That stuff matters.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: gabbysmom23
Yeah, I had a friend who had 10 partners before I had one. And A few were one nightstands. Go figure.

Bestgal, it comes down to this. You just found out about the affair. He just stopped it. He does sound remorseful, but he stopped it Only after he got caught. Before hopping the the sack with him, you have stuff to work through. You want to sleep with him not because you want to resurrect a romantic r, but because as you said, you feel rejected and unattractive. By having sex with him before he is ready, before you have dealt with the anger and the recent revelation, I don't think you re going get what you want out of ML to him right now. It may make you feel worse.



ditto^^^

and bg, I think the chances are high that it would make you feel worse...

very slight chance that it'll make you feel better.

IN TIME, with the work you need to do and those "unresolved hangups you have in the bedroom", and he needs to do to rebuild trust in the m,

then sure, ML could be a beautiful bonding reconciling comforting sexual expression of your love and marital commitment...

you feeling all THAT^^^ now?....


didn't think so


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I understand Starsky's point about the STDs...and the testing.

I could be wrong, but I don't think it's necessary in your situation.

It's YOUR LIFE and I don't want to advise you to be dangerous, but for ME if I were in your shoes

I'd find it depressing but I don't know your h.


I'm sorry, 25, but this is possibly the most grossly irresponsible thing I've read on here in a long time. When it comes to being medically safe, when a spouse has had an active affair, whether or not it's "depressing" is really no concern to me, nor should it be to anyone. If Bestgal has any doubts about this, she should ask her OB/GYN, and follow their advice. I'm really not advising anything that a good doctor wouldn't also recommend.

oh Starsky, I KNEW that would get to you! And I did qualify it. Also said I was speaking for myself. And my other point (which you didn't really focus on b/c you were so riled up and all)

was that the testing demand from SOME of the LBSers is destructively presented.

It matters A LOT how she says this.


And I admit up front, I could be wrong. I just think the "demanding" nature of it sounds off putting and punitive and not reconciliatory.

It's intensely personal and it is a delicate matter not to be said in such a black and white way, IMO.

At the time (maybe it's changed now) all she had an admission of making out. She has no proof of actual intercourse, and both parties deny it, or are we skipping over that? So when you advise her to demand that he & she get tested, it's also saying flat out he's lying to her.

I didn't say I believe him,
but I do think it makes it a tad harder to demand than if there was an open affair wherein everyone knew it was a done deal.

Isn't this OW living with another man? Your response will be "but OW cheated/made out so how 'monogamous' can she be?" I get that.

But are you lumping hookers in with every OW?
I'm sincerely asking.

anyhow... as gabbysmom says, an STD is pretty damn depressing too. Point taken.



Besgal, I want to caution you in that you're trusting that your husband is telling you the truth right now. HE HAS ALREADY LIED TO YOU, and when people get caught up in affairs, they LIE -- period.

Now is no time to operate based on your FEELINGS. Do what your HEAD tells you is the right thing to do, and do some research about infidelity. You are projecting onto your husband your own values, and he's simply not in the same place right now.

I don't know how much plainer I can say it.

Starsky


Oh, 25, I knew that would elicit a 1,000-word rant from you. wink


I find much of DBing to be very complex. This isn't one of those things. It's for her medical health, and how it's presented is of secondary importance. This is not something where one should let their emotions rule the day.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc


At the time (maybe it's changed now) all she had an admission of making out. She has no proof of actual intercourse, and both parties deny it, or are we skipping over that? So when you advise her to demand that he & she get tested, it's also saying flat out he's lying to her.
[b]



Yes, exactly. Because people in affairs LIE -- nearly 100% of the time. Empirical fact.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
You didn't read the nuances or qualifications or caveats. Not surprising.

No. There are no nuances. No qualifications. No caveats.

If there is even a possibility that person you were in a monogamous relationship may have had sex with another person, you get tested. Period.

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Originally Posted By: Fergie
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
You didn't read the nuances or qualifications or caveats. Not surprising.

No. There are no nuances. No qualifications. No caveats.

If there is even a possibility that person you were in a monogamous relationship may have had sex with another person, you get tested. Period.


whistle


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
don't you hate it when virtue goes unrewarded?

I "saved myself" too...but fortunately changed that when I got to college.

BTW it's crucial to note that I don't know of any OWs in my sitch, to this day. Never suspected one, still don't.

I could have more easily cheated than he could have, given his schedule. So the situations are very different.

But back to THIS situation *** I thought her h was being very remorseful and interested in whether she could ever forgive him/get past this (he has to believe this or he won't bother trying and she has to at least be open to it)

Quote:
and she sounded very angry, wanting to "hurt OW" and or expose to third parties.


That's exactly what I wanted to do the day I found out, and a few days after. I've since reconsidered after posting about it here, and getting some good feedback about the possible ramifications of that.


Quote:
I still don't advise doing any of that, but I missed the part where he has openly ended the A.

Has he or not?


He has ended the affair - I didn't actually hear him tell her this, but he's told me a few times this same thing...that he told her it was a mistake, he wanted no contact with her, and he wanted her to stop contacting him. He said she came to work after that and had a meltdown and was crying, and it was a lot of drama. He said he's not concerned with how she feels - his focus is on how he's hurt me and us - and how we're going to work through this. He told me last night that he doesn't know how to work through any of our issues, but he wants to do this with a skilled Marriage Counselor who understands these types of issues.

Quote:
BTW Telling you that OW called and he did not answer her call, is NOT "ending the affair."


He didn't say he didn't answer his phone when she called; he told me one morning that he saw on his phone that she had called the night before but didn't leave a message. He saw her # on the phone.

Quote:
But then, did the OW say something like "it's over" anyhow? So did they mutually end it or what?

That stuff matters.



The OW didn't say that - it wasn't mutual and she didn't want to end it at all. When I found out about the A and called her, she called him directly after and said that they should use this opportunity to run off together. (not her exact words, but this is apparently the gist of what she said).

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Quote:
At the time (maybe it's changed now) all she had an admission of making out.


Just one quick thing on this: once my H started talking about his A, he admitted to everything at once. (sure, he could be omitting something). He had never actually admitted only to making out - that was something I asked about and he admitted to. Just wanted to clear that up!

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Usual stuff. And remember you do not push people together. People make choices. So if anyone says your pushing or if your spouse says that. Call him/them out on it. It's called choices. Its a benefit of being an adult. It's also a drawback.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I understand Starsky's point about the STDs...and the testing.

I could be wrong, but I don't think it's necessary in your situation.

It's YOUR LIFE and I don't want to advise you to be dangerous, but for ME if I were in your shoes

I'd find it depressing but I don't know your h.


I'm sorry, 25, but this is possibly the most grossly irresponsible thing I've read on here in a long time. When it comes to being medically safe, when a spouse has had an active affair, whether or not it's "depressing" is really no concern to me, nor should it be to anyone. If Bestgal has any doubts about this, she should ask her OB/GYN, and follow their advice. I'm really not advising anything that a good doctor wouldn't also recommend.

oh Starsky, I KNEW that would get to you! And I did qualify it. Also said I was speaking for myself. And my other point (which you didn't really focus on b/c you were so riled up and all)

was that the testing demand from SOME of the LBSers is destructively presented.

It matters A LOT how she says this.


And I admit up front, I could be wrong. I just think the "demanding" nature of it sounds off putting and punitive and not reconciliatory.

It's intensely personal and it is a delicate matter not to be said in such a black and white way, IMO.

At the time (maybe it's changed now) all she had an admission of making out. She has no proof of actual intercourse, and both parties deny it, or are we skipping over that? So when you advise her to demand that he & she get tested, it's also saying flat out he's lying to her.

I didn't say I believe him,
but I do think it makes it a tad harder to demand than if there was an open affair wherein everyone knew it was a done deal.

Isn't this OW living with another man? Your response will be "but OW cheated/made out so how 'monogamous' can she be?" I get that.

But are you lumping hookers in with every OW?
I'm sincerely asking.

anyhow... as gabbysmom says, an STD is pretty damn depressing too. Point taken.



Besgal, I want to caution you in that you're trusting that your husband is telling you the truth right now. HE HAS ALREADY LIED TO YOU, and when people get caught up in affairs, they LIE -- period.

Now is no time to operate based on your FEELINGS. Do what your HEAD tells you is the right thing to do, and do some research about infidelity. You are projecting onto your husband your own values, and he's simply not in the same place right now.

I don't know how much plainer I can say it.

Starsky


Oh, 25, I knew that would elicit a 1,000-word rant from you.


what is it you all need here, a f--- surrender? Christ...

and btw, my MAIN POINT is tht most of the people here who "DEMAND" Testing and insist others do as they demand

are not in a position to make that demand and she has to be prepared for that.

BG

I read your original post (or one of them) and there is a lot that is not clear to me and you have not answered. This is the first time I've heard that OW said she wanted to run away with your h. I thought she lived with some OM?

and once again I ask, Why do you believe the affair ended at all?

Solely b/c your h says so?


I find much of DBing to be very complex. This isn't one of those things. It's for her medical health, and how it's presented is of secondary importance. This is not something where one should let their emotions rule the day.

Starsky


did I say "Point taken"? Why yes I did...enough


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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