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OUCH!

I was home alone all summer, every summer. My mom and dad worked and they couldn't afford any kind of 'daycare' or to have me go to camps. I entertained myself and had chores that were required to be done by the time they got home.

If D13 wants to stay home for a few weeks and 'veg', why is that going to hurt her? How is that lazy parenting? She does have a right to gain a tiny bit of independence doesn't she?

I've never understood the mindset of parents who think their kids have to be busy and entertained every second of every day. That just eventually turns them into dissatisfied adults.


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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They need a chance to be responsible and to be creative. My d13 has written a few stories and now is crazy about drawing. She has been really into it for a year. No teachers, she has been teaching herself through books and on line programs. My oldest, S19 was teaching himself German before he stepped in the classroom. He is ahead of his German 2 class in college and is tutoring as well.

Just a couple of examples. My parents couldn't stay home with me either. My mom worked for the phone company and she had better be on her death bed to call in sick. Don't even think of calling in because of your kids.

Kat


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Quote:
Plus, she's 13, boy issues have been paramount and I just don't like leaving her alone that much.


Ummm....no WAY would I leave a boy-crazy 13 year old girl home alone for several weeks in the summer. That sounds like a recipe for disaster.

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Sure, some kids are fine doing that. I don't want to leave it up to chance though. Because for every kid who was "fine" left alone I can bring up several others who gave into temptation.

So I strongly disagree with anyone on here who thinks leaving a 13-year-old female home alone unsupervised for days at a time is a good idea.

Sorry if the term lazy parenting struck some the wrong way, but I won't back down from it. XW leaves them home alone because she's too lazy to call friends to see if they can hang out there. And she is trying to save money -- which comes from her decision to D.

XW's mom gave her and her two sisters all kinds of "veg" time growing up so her mom could just sit in her room reading romance novels. None of them went to college. All three of them were having sex by age 15. They all are a mess.

XW responded that she's looking into a couple of camps for D13 and will have D13 spend more time with her grandmother at their campground. It looks like there may be one week where they are home alone. I don't mind one week with D13 and D9 home alone together.

Kat, my attorney told me once the bankruptcy is filed I get to start over. He just cautioned me not to refinance my 401k loan and pay off my car until after the trustee's meeting on April 19. Not that that's against the law, it just gives a bad appearance.

I don't plan on ever taking out a car loan again. I will save money and whatever I have saved plus the trade in will be what I buy in five years. I don't plan on borrowing on anything other than a mortgage -- and that will be at least two years from now and I won't buy anything that I can't put 10 percent down on.

I have hated debt since I was 25 and was always frustrated with XW's need to buy, buy, buy. The only way we ever saved was when I did it secretly.

A co-worker who is 31 and pretty flighty was talking about these $650 sunglasses she bought. I just kept my mouth shut. Her husband is an electrician. They make good money and she makes good money, but they have one kid and want more and life gets interesting once those expenses build if you still want the latest fashion. XW and I always made enough -- she just upped her spending every time we got a raise. It was a recipe for disaster.

Good night with girls last night, although I had to leave for 90 minutes to listen to a speech for work.

Everything was going well until D9 was in bed. She started crying because she had a bad morning at school. She was sorry "because keep trying to help" her and she's mean to them. She's upset that she's still in special education and not in the general classroom. There's just a quarter of school left and "that's not enough time." She wants to be back in the general classroom. She wants to be "just a normal kid."

She asked why did God make her that way.

Ugh. It put my mental struggles in perspective.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
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Originally Posted By: ClingingToHope

She asked why did God make her that way.

Ugh. It put my mental struggles in perspective.


Because He knows how strong she is and that she will get through this struggle, be a shining example to others and be someone who will understand and be there for others when they have probems. Sound plausible?


Divorced February 27, 2012.

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I mostly listened and tried to comfort her. She had a good day today. She is trying to collect phone numbers from friends so she can have them over in the summer.

Overall, D9 is making tremendous progress. That's why last night was so hard to hear.

Just finished moving my stuff at work. They relocated the newsroom from the third floor to the second. I like my location. I can stare out at the river.

It's a good change. Upstairs had bad mojo. There were so many job cuts the past few years you'd look at an empty desk and remember who used to be there.

Headed to church tonight for a little bit too. Had to meet with head of volunteers to work with kids on Easter. Also, had to interview to be leader of my Thursday night growth group. The old leader wanted out and I'm not ready to let it die yet.

Weekend is pretty well set. Hanging out with friends Friday night and Saturday night. Golf Saturday afternoon. Church Sunday and perhaps mentoring a high school kid. I really wish I'd see D9 this weekend. She'll probably ride her bike over, but I won't be home much.

Can't complain.


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Met D13 after school and went to eat -- $37, ouch. She brought up XW and her "friend." Yes, she's met him and he's exactly the opposite of me. Doesn't talk. Older. Fatter. Just kind of a lump.

D9 has met him too, and D13 thinks she knows what's going on.

She asked again if I had anyone. I said no, that lady in December and January was nice, but there was going to be too many complications and I didn't feel enough for her to fight through them.

I told her that second marriages fail at a greater rate than first marriages and I'm not going to just latch on to someone.

Finally, we got off the subject.

Apparently, the BF was at my old house last week about 10 minutes before I got there. I'd let D9 take a friend to the river, instead they went to the other house. After 20 minutes I went to check on them. They weren't at the river so I figured they'd gone to the house. They were there and I made them come back.

I guess BF showed up to take the dog out.

I told D13 that the rule this summer is going to be they can't go over there unless they here from XW that she's there or that no one is there. I never, ever want to show up at my old house -- the one my parents owned -- and see this guy.

I really, really hope the house sells this summer.

Brought up anxious feelings again. I have to keep on the path. I'm getting some side work in now -- making money -- then heading to Friday night service to get refocused. I'm meeting a friend out later -- about 10 p.m. Golf tomorrow. Visit a friend and then out later.

Have to work in at least two workouts as well. Plus, I know this already is a lot, I want to tackle a long time hobby.


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Interesting weekend so far. Friday night headed off to a special church service they have each week called Celebrate Recovery. It's for addicts of all kinds -- drugs, alcohol, sex, anger, co-dependency.

It's a nice option to have on a Friday night. They push the Serenity Prayer which is something I've strayed from.

After, instead of going to a sharing group -- which I just don't get into -- I saw one of my old divorce support group friends and I we sat down and caught up.

Then I headed over to a restaurant to watch basketball with a friend from a different church group. I love this church. It has vastly expanded my social options.

Ironically, another friend was already there and he joined us. It was interesting because they have something in common. Both are white men marrying or are married to black women. That's not common and it was fun listening to them ask each other what it was like to meet the family, etc.

The guy I met there is getting married at the end of May and they spent the last half hour brainstorming on who they could fix me up with.

Today, I got up and worked out, then headed to play golf, visited a friend to watch basketball and then met up with someone who is divorced as well, a couple years older, that I've really become close to.

We tried out a new place and it was OK. There were a couple of very pretty ladies there, but we estimated they were in their mid 20s. I talked to one of them for a while and left it at that.

I was tired from the workout and golf, but before I left a 24-year-old cousin of my best friend saw me and came to say hi. We're Facebook friends -- I'd forgotten that. Anyway, she plans on going back to get an MBA this fall as well and at the same college so we compared notes on what we need to get done by August. She's a good kid. It feels very weird to be socializing with people nearly half my age.

But with all the working out, I'm feeling pretty young right now.

Tomorrow, church, softball, two book projects, a blog post for my sister ... and then cleaning the house.


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More reality setting in. D9 called and asked if she could come over rather than go to D13's theater strike party.

Sure. She could come to softball practice with me.

When she got there she told me the story of doing 100 flips at the mall on these rubber ropes and trampoline.

She was so excited. Then she told me she went with XW and her "friend." She asked if I was mad. I know I didn't look happy, but I said, "that's fine."

So this relationship is moving fast and becoming institutionalized and I have to get over that.

D9 and I had a good time at softball practice. We also stopped by the library and then a bike ride.

After I rode my bike into work -- it's really nice out.

But I'm hurting. I talked to the friend I was out with Friday about how long it took for him to feel natural with the fact other men were in his daughter's life.

That was an hour conversation.

Since, I've been at my computer getting some projects done but also listening to lots of past sermons from church.

Others have had it much worse than I have. I am frustrated I'm not powering through this better. The truth is I'm afraid. I'm scared deep down. I'm afraid I'll never find someone else. I'm afraid I won't get better and I'll drive my kids away. I'm afraid all the insults and names people called me as a kid are true.

I have an awful lot to be grateful for. I've come miles and miles and miles since 2009. My friend, who is getting married, has been divorced 12 years. He's getting married on May 25 and he's going to talk about his journey.

I can't wait to get to that day. The day the scars have faded and I've let it all go. I've never been very patient though. This is soooo difficult.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
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Still struggling. This weekend I had a full meltdown on Sunday. It's not just XW. There have been four women who I had very deep feelings for and all of them broke up with me. I really despaired over all of them. There's something in me that drives people away when they get very close. I have to fix that.

I have to pull myself together. I just have to, but it's going to take some time. I've been trying to control XW, my friends, my surroundings for decades now. To just let go and accept things as they come and concentrate on myself is going to take a long, long, long time.

I have to find new ways every day to turn my brain around when said or negative thoughts come into my head.

I have to accept that it's over.

A positive note. Little league umpiring is going to help a little this summer. I'll have to shell out some money for the initial equipment, but I should make it up and then some this year.

The league I want to umpire in runs mostly in May and June. By July 4 it's done and I can enjoy the rest of my summer.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
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