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Going to look up the serenity prayer.

I find out this morning things are getting worse for XW. The sewer injector failed at the house. It makes sense. It was replaced about 14 years ago. They last 10 to 15 years.

So now she has a roof repair, sewage on her floor and the bank is going to foreclose anyway.

When I pick up D12 tonight the house comes up and D12 says XW is probably going to just "give the house to the bank."

They are talking about what I've feared. She says XW wants to move near her mother in a school district 20 minutes away.

Now, realistically I don't think she can afford anything decent up there. Still, I'm feeling anxious. XW has fed D12 full of how great this district is and how much happier she'll be.

D12's issues will follow her everywhere. She's acting like XW. She's doing well at her current district, but she's not the most popular girl so she wants to go to another school.

It was not a great conversation.

I just don't want things to change.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
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Sorry C2H,

But divorce DOES change everything. So does financial upheaval. Far better for you to appreciate that D12 has a positive outlook regarding the move. Don't bring her down. You daughters have no say in where they live, go to school or whether their parents stay together. They have to go along with it. Keep them out of a Tug of War.

Most children Do move following a divorce. Few people stay in the same home. 20 min away? Piece of cake. Many kids have to move out of State.

I have moved twice since the divorce. In the first move (to downsize to a more affordable house) - I also worried about D so I kept to the same neighbourhood and school. In the 2nd move I went 3 hours away - which makes visitation for Ryan's dad much more difficult - but we make it work.

I know things seem dismal now but they will get better. This would be a really good time to point out the positives to your daughters and help them deal with it all. It also helps to write down the things you are grateful for. Like your health. Your friends. The good people in your life. Etc. I have dealt with job losses, business ripoffs, my child suffering severe brain damage and my husband taking off on me. I still got up every day and put one foot in front of the other. And found something to be grateful for. Especially do it now - while your daughters are growing up. Because this time is fleeting - yet they will remember it for the rest of their lives - and mostly - how you handled it.

Hugs for better days ahead. I'll bet the sun is shining today.

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She is feeding her. I'll have to disagree with you there. I know both school districts very well and moving them north is going to be much more difficult for D12. It's a much more affluent school district and you are defined by what you drive and how expensive your clothes are rather than your ability or personality. Her current district is much more diverse.

And D9 is finally settled at her school so moving her would make less than zero sense.

But then again XW doesn't think ahead. She doesn't save money. She doesn't investigate alternatives. Her financial spiral is all her making. Her only goal is to live closer to her mom.

XW threatened to move out of the district two years ago and last year. She's always been jealous of the flexibility of my job. Had she been able to sell she would have moved them already.

If she does, that means I'll go from seeing them 86 percent of the days during the school year to 36 percent. I ask you, would you be happy if you went from seeing your kids 12 out of 14 days to 5 out of 14?

Barb and GM, you are speaking as the custodial parents. The line about moving 3 hours away from the father and the "we make it work" thing. Well, I'm guessing he might have a different reaction.

In the end, it doesn't really matter. I just rent my house and if she does move to another district and I'm unhappy with the amount of time I see them then I'll pick up and move into that district as well. I will not be marginalized.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
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C2H,

You have to stop being the victim here. You can't control her or her choices. You CAN be the best dad you can. I can't understand how 20 min can make the difference between 86 and 36. Not for the life of me.

And as for my ex and I making it work. Here's news for you. He sees his son more often now that he is 3 hours away than he did when he worked right around the corner. Go figure!

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Originally Posted By: SunFunOne
Sorry C2H,

But divorce DOES change everything. So does financial upheaval. Far better for you to appreciate that D12 has a positive outlook regarding the move. Don't bring her down. You daughters have no say in where they live, go to school or whether their parents stay together. They have to go along with it. Keep them out of a Tug of War.

Most children Do move following a divorce. Few people stay in the same home. 20 min away? Piece of cake. Many kids have to move out of State.

I have moved twice since the divorce. In the first move (to downsize to a more affordable house) - I also worried about D so I kept to the same neighbourhood and school. In the 2nd move I went 3 hours away - which makes visitation for Ryan's dad much more difficult - but we make it work.

I know things seem dismal now but they will get better. This would be a really good time to point out the positives to your daughters and help them deal with it all. It also helps to write down the things you are grateful for. Like your health. Your friends. The good people in your life. Etc. I have dealt with job losses, business ripoffs, my child suffering severe brain damage and my husband taking off on me. I still got up every day and put one foot in front of the other. And found something to be grateful for. Especially do it now - while your daughters are growing up. Because this time is fleeting - yet they will remember it for the rest of their lives - and mostly - how you handled it.

Hugs for better days ahead. I'll bet the sun is shining today.

Barb


Priceless advice.


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Barb, with the current set up I can leave work every day at 2:30 p.m. and pick the girls up from school, hang out with them until 4:30 p.m. and then go back to work. So during the school year I see them every day during the week and my weekends. That's 12 out of 14 days. That's 86 percent.

If they move 20 minutes north then I'd have to leave at 2:00 to go up and see them and not be back until 5 p.m. My job is flexible, but not that flexible. I'm pushing it as it is. Plus the gas costs would be prohibitive.

So it'd be very difficult for me to maintain the same schedule. I'd be down to seeing them 5 days out of 14. That's 36 percent.

So no, I wouldn't be happy if she ends up moving out of the district. If that means I'm playing the victim so be it.

GM, their mom's best option is to rent a house in the current school district. The girls are both at special schools so it doesn't matter where in the district she moves, they wouldn't have to switch schools.

If she tries to move north, the housing costs there run $200 to $400 more per month. A good three bedroom rental here goes for about $900. This is a very cheap housing market. I found a small three bedroom for $700, but I got lucky. Up north, a good three bedroom goes for $1,100. Her current mortgage payment that she's been unable to keep up on is $1,200 so moving north doesn't really help her finances either.

It also doesn't help the amount of time she'd see them. She'd be moving 25 minutes away from her job. She already has to leave so early in the morning for work that she leaves D12 to herself to get on the bus. She has trouble leaving work now when the girls get sick or have to go to appointments. That wouldn't be easier.

But yes, I can't control her choices. I can only shake my head as she continues to make bad ones.

This site is frustrating some times because just as there is an obvious difference in how a WAS sees things as compared with an LBS, there's obviously a big difference in how a custodial parent sees things versus a non custodial parent.

Divorce is very, very, very unfair to the non custodial parent. If you don't agree with that statement then you aren't going to understand where I'm coming from.

Truthfully, though, I'm letting that go. I can only wait and see. I think in the end XW will end up staying in the district. In 2009, when she blissfully said she'd be fine in the house and if not, she'd just sell it, I told her that the house needed too many repairs and the real estate market was going to deteriorate for several more years before getting better.

I study and write about real estate and banking for a living. I know what I'm talking about and I was right. She couldn't sell and it sunk her. Here, I think once everything settles out she'll end up staying close because it's all she can afford.

Those are her issues anyway. They are not mine. I'll have plenty of time after she decides what she's going to do to figure out what I'm going to do.

Things continue to look better for me. I don't think I've ever been more secure in my job than I am now. We've cut down so many people that you have to be super productive to survive and there's no one here with my range of skills.

Most of the issues from the accident are going away nicely and I'll end up with a decent settlement. Funny how things happen. By the summer, I will have turned a corner financially.

Went on a lunch date with a lady from Match on Friday. She's an English and humanities professor at a junior college. I'm a writer. She's very pretty. The lunch was at noon. We didn't stop talking until 2 p.m. The only issue right now is her divorce isn't done. She didn't indicate that on Match. And she's knee deep in settlement talks. We were going to do something Sunday, but her STBXH begged out of having their kids.

I actually referred her to this site. I told her this is where I vented when things got bad for me. I haven't been on here much lately because things are going very well.


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I'm so glad to hear things are starting to turn for you. I know it's been incredibly frustrating for you.

Hopefully your xw will realize that moving out of the district is not good for the girls. If she thinks of them first then that should be her automatic decision....let's hope!


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
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Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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Fun but exhausting weekend.

Friday great lunch date. Friday night I meet my church group at a restaurant next to work. This is a cool church group. They like to get out and enjoy life. Church_31, now Church_32, was there. We're good. She's bounced to another boyfriend. She's looking for someone to take care of her financially so it's good that never went anywhere. She's a sweety though.

After 90 minutes with them I headed across town and hung out with another couple of friends that I hadn't seen in six weeks. That was fun.

Home then up relatively early to go cover a massive farm land auction. It's a once-in-a-generation thing around here. Businessman sold 3,400 acres of farm land for nearly $25 million.

The way the auction was run was fascinating. I wasn't going to go out but a coworker was free and we met another friend .... and I was out late again. Again, lots of fun. I just feel lighter.

Funny, a lady who used to work for my XW showed up and was friends with one of the people I was with. So she hung around. She told me she worked for XW and I said "She fired you, didn't she?" And she smiled. XW is a stickler for the rules at her job. If you follow them to a T, you're fine. If not ... sayonara.

Just a weird coincidence.

I was really tired today, but I made it to church and then into work to catch up a bit. XW texted though and needed help. Someone had to drive D12 to a parade both girls are in but in different groups and different start time.

No problem. There were a couple things running through my head.

I really like the HBO series "Hung." Forget what it's about, at its core it's about a guy who really loved his wife and is making his way without her the best way he can. Of course, he's a male prostitute now, that's the show's hook. Still it's a great show.

In last week's episode he was paid to accompany a woman who used to be a man to her high school reunion. He was freaked to be there because he was having problem with the whole sex change thing. Then he saw how people's attitudes changed towards her -- and him -- when they figured out who she used to be.

He stood up, got over his problem and danced with her the rest of the night. The show closed with the line "The one good thing about growing old is that you stop caring about what other people think of you. You just care about what you think about yourself."

I have had the hots for XW since I was 18 years old. I was lucky enough to meet her again and marry her and spend 13 years together. The story didn't end like I wanted it to, still lots of people never enjoy the feeling I had when we got married. I get caught up a lot in the overwhelming likelihood that we'll never be together again. At least I have 15 years (two before marriage) of memories. When you're old and gray, that's what you have anyway, memories.

Second thing, simple saying from church last weekend that popped back into my head this morning. I was tired and not feeling well from two nights out in a row -- the single life is tiring. And I remembered they talked about "choosing joy." I could choose to be angry and bitter today or I could "choose joy."

So I chose joy.

Anyway, I picked up D12 and took her over to the parade. D9 was chickening out and didn't want to march. The only way she would is if XW marched with her. So XW texted that they'd need a ride after the parade -- and could she borrow some gloves.

So I lent her mine and drove to the end of the parade and waited for them. They were all three icecycles and then we had dinner and I blew D9 a kiss as they left and I headed back to work.

I am tired, but it is a joyful day.


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Originally Posted By: ClingingToHope
"The one good thing about growing old is that you stop caring about what other people think of you. You just care about what you think about yourself."

smile

You're doing well CTH.


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Journaling -- I'm going to give the new possible interest the shorthand name of prof-40. She's an English and Humanities professor who is 40 years old.

Anyway, there's financial drama in her unfinished divorce so we didn't do a second date last weekend. We're messaging back and forth though so hopefully next weekend we'll get together.

Most physical problems gone from accident, except my ribs still hurt. It hurts to laugh in the morning or to lay on my left side.

I was approved for a car loan, which is a bit of a shocker, so I have 7 days to find something no more than $11,000 that I like. There's a lot of 2008-2009 Chevy Cobalts available. Edmunds.com gives the Cobalt an OK review but a coworker hates the car.

Hmmmm.

Going to Wisconsin tomorrow with the girls for TGiving. Should be a fun day -- although it'll cost. My cousin doesn't want to cook and clean. So we're all going out to eat. That's fine. I like catching up with her.

XW texted yesterday about the money from her pension. She's being denied a loan through her 401(k) because they say the QDRO is pending. I thought those were different accounts. In any case, it looks like XW is dipping deeper into her retirement reserves to bail herself out again.

I still have this instinctive urge to go over there and try to solve it for her. I wonder if that'll ever totally go away.

I learned through some channels that the motorcycle guy of summer 2009 and summer 2010 was a "boyfriend." I suspected as much when I saw the pictures of her August 2009 trip to South Dakota.

I've struggled with that one a bit the past couple of days. I have to get used to it because some day she's going to walk up and say, "CTH, this is my boyfriend xxx."

Next week I plan to see a chiropractor for my neck and shoulder and to go see the bankruptcy attorney. I really want to get the financial stuff going so I can start funding the girls college accounts again.

I hate to feel like I'm standing still.

My winter part-time job starts next week. I'm running the scoreboard and keeping score for an area high school. I should make at least $650 over the year and if they get a regional I'll get $800 or so.

It all adds up.

I am not getting very far on transcribing the book. I have to figure out a better system. Doing it at home is likely the only way.


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