The continuing saga of Kolja

[labug]

The firsts and lasts are always hard.

[bustorama]

I forgot, did you guys discuss how long the payments will continue?

What have you got going on in the next couple of weeks? You guys still have snow on the slopes? How's your training coming, and when is your race?

[kolja]

December will be the last one. All in all, I feel it was a fair compromise. Given her lack of work (ie 'need') and my salary (ie 'ability to pay') I was counseled that I would almost certainly wind up owing her some form of support anyway if I contested it, to say nothing of the lawyer fees. Plus of course there's the fact that FIGHTING over it wasn't helping any with the longer term goal.

Funny you mention the slopes - Dad will be here from the other side of the mountains a week from today. He was coming over for work anyway, and thought we could turn it into a chance to ski. Dad started me on skiing back when I was 9 or so - he picked it up a couple years later, reasoning it was more fun for HIM to ski than to sit in the lodge and wait for me to finish my lessons. So, next weekend we'll be up there.

The half marathon is on 15 April. On the program I've found and put myself on, the mileage has started to increase. I'm pretty happy about not missing a run, or a day in the weightroom, yet. The few workouts I've missed have all been swims, but I know I can afford a few of those and still be able to pass the navy's semiannual test without too much trouble.

Today I'm sending off the taxes to be done. We had agreed to split the refund 50/50, so hopefully it will be decent sized one. I'm also putting the petition in the mail, to the one county in the state that, abhorrently enough, allows you to file by mail. I didn't send it in before, because I wanted to wait till payday before paying the $280 fee, which she has PROMISED to pay back, but we shall see...

[kolja]

Today, I had to tell my wife I had some mail for her. She gave me her address, in Goodyear, AZ. Then something KIND of interesting happened - she said once she had checks she would send me money for the filing fee, but then asked if I was willing to split it at all.

I thought about it a bit. I know I should be SUPPORTIVE of her getting the space she needs and all that, but realistically I feel I'm doing plenty of that by sending her money every month, not discarding things she's left behind here and wants to come back and get, forwarding her mail, and all that. Splitting the fee was a bridge too far.

So, I said no. I expected her to retaliate, blame me for everything again, and just generally be hostile. But she didn't, and wasn't - instead she said "OK Well it's all good..."

Mind reading would be a can of worms (and ultimately an unsatisfactory one) so I'll just be content that a hostile tirade didn't ensue, and try very hard not to wonder what it meant.

In the meantime I'm recovering from my 6 mile run and getting set to head out to Costco. It probably won't be a cheap trip but on the other hand, aside from occasionally picking up milk or something like that, I won't have to shop again for 6-8 weeks!

[purgatory]

Good job sticking to your guns about splitting the fee!
The 'legal' talks always make me sick to my stomach.

Good luck on your race!

[labug]

Kolja, I have to go back and read your first posts. You were married such a short time before she decided to flake.

[kolja]

Yeah. We were at about 16 months of marriage when she made her announcement. Granted I did my share to nudge us in this direction but it's hard to wrap ones head around not wanting to try just a little more.

[kolja]

Well, in the past few days or so, there's been a couple positive interactions. As I might have mentioned, she left her cats behind (which seemed - and still seems - quite out of character for her because of how attached she was to them, especially the older one she had before we met). Anyway, as I was doing laundry on Sunday, one decided to hop in the open dryer to check things out and 'help' - which I thought was pretty funny. Figuring she had to be missing the little fellas, and that she'd probably appreciate the chuckle, I sent her a picture. It actually went over quite well - I had a few more on my phone which I sent. It was the first time in I don't know how long we had an interaction that didn't include any mention of divorce, money, moving, or anything like that.

This morning came another one. In November, before she announced her decision to get a divorce, tickets to a concert by one of her favorite bands this spring went on sale and I snatched up a pair on 'pre-sale' (which sounds an awful like 'pre-boarding' with the airlines but I digress). Well, of course, she winds up getting a job a thousand or more miles away. This morning while I was at the gym (lifting and a five mile run), she texted to ask if I wanted them back, or if she could give them to her sister's younger daughter (the one who's still at home). I said to go ahead and give it to our niece; she asked if I was sure so I said "do you think she'd enjoy it?" she said "yes definitely" so I again said I think she should have them, and my wife thanked me and seemed rather happy.

As for me, I appreciate the opportunity for some positive interaction. Sure it would be nice if it weren't taking place over such geographic distance, but you've got to play the cards you're dealt...

[kolja]

Not much new to update. Dad's visit went well, we had a good time skiing and a nice visit to Leavenworth (WA, not KS). Work goes well, even if at the moment left over desserts from a work potluck are 5' from my desk... at least tomorrow is a 5 mile day!

My year-long suspension of on-base driving is over, which is fortunate because weather has taken a nasty turn and the last couple days I've been glad to not be bicycling on and off base. Before moving, my wife was very interested in how the base-access decals on her car would be renewed (it's mildly curious as to why she cares, since she won't be a dependant much longer the way things are going). I found out, it will actually be pretty easy - when I told her, she said she'd see what she can do and that was it. Maybe it's not as important to her now that she's moved. Other than that things between us have been quiet. The space isn't all that bad, actually - and watching the balance on a few debts start to tick down makes me glad to at least have the FINANCIAL opportunity this presents.

Only somewhat related, I came across this on the internet, about military wives. I'd wanted to send it to my wife, since she's seen me through 2 of my 5 deployments (a 7 month cruise before we got married, and about 6 weeks last summer... though in fairness that one WAS to a nice Air Force Base in Europe and hardly counts as a hardship). Anyway, I know she probably wouldn't care to see it right now so I thought I would post it here. It's poignant - makes me grateful for what she HAD brought into my life, and hopeful that she'll continue to be a part of it in the future.

============================================================

What a Military Spouse Knows

As many of you know, my husband came home from our third deployment not too long ago. During the deployment, a reporter asked me to share “What I Knew” about deployments and military life. This was my answer:

As I forced my hands to unfurl from his neck, feeling the familiar sting in my nose as tears pushed against my will, the words rattled and echoed in my brain. “Not again.”

I watched him walk away–that uniform, identifiable gait—and my heart bent and splintered as the reality of a third deployment began to shower over me.

I picked up the phone, dialing the numbers my numb fingers always meander toward, and sat in silence while she tried to ease my pain. “I can’t imagine…He will be home….I’m here.”

And then she said six words that shot through my ears, penetrated my brain, and stiffened my spine: “You know how to do this.”

She was right. I do know how to do this. I intimately know the all-too familiar lump in my throat. The year of being both father and mother, making the best of a situation. I know exactly how one year feels as I X each day off my calendar. And I know how to ensure that while our lives are on hold, we still live.

The truth is I know a lot:

The thought of being alone for a year doesn’t bother me. The fear of being alone for a lifetime—does.
Flat rate boxes can hold twenty whoopee cushions, four kindergarten projects, and five perfume-scented letters.
Technology can be a double-edged sword—one side delivering his face; the other a brutal live-action feed of explosions and camouflaged body parts.
Murphy’s Law is a constant companion. The moment he walks out the door, anything that can break, collapse, bleed, or explode–will .
Five hours of uninterrupted sleep is a gift from the deployment gods
Holidays are hard, but manageable.
Deployments come and go, but sand from his boots never leaves.
Nothing can replace a handwritten letter. Through those beautifully folded pages, he is holding my hand again.
When the National Anthem is played, I know goosebumps will rise on my arms, and a lump will fill my throat.
The silence in communication following a war zone attack is agonizing.
Laughter is a powerful ally.
Each deployment offers two options: grow or regress. This is a choice.
Cereal is always a dinner option.
Videos of lost teeth, ballerina recitals, and preschool graduations can be emailed to Iraq nearly instantly.
Five powers of attorney and the intimate details of his will are needed to navigate a deployment.
White out blizzards can actually bury a truck in five minutes.
Rosie the Riveter was right: We can do it.
Children cling to hope and the promise of tomorrow.
Living in each moment together is possible when facing the fear that it could be your last.
Welcome home kisses are sweeter than the finest chocolate.
Anger will grip me and depression can hold me, but another military spouse will steady me.
A six-year-old child can feel the absence of her father so deeply that she can suffer from clinical depression.
A military spouse will often hold her/his tongue, silencing a story, for fear of sounding “unpatriotic.”
The sound of a bugle can make my heart swell with pride or collapse in sorrow.
Duct tape and a monkey wrench can fix nearly anything.
Despite the protestors and those who tell me I “knew” what I was getting into, I know there are countless American citizens who will go above and beyond to show they support us.
There are many things I know.

I know how to change the brakes on my truck, rappel from the side of a cliff, shoot a double-barreled shotgun, balance a checkbook, earn my keep, and kiss a child enough to feel like two.

But there are still so many things I don’t know.

I don’t know how to start my heart again when I see a death notification car on my street.
When that knock echoes on the door of my neighbor, I don’t know how to forgive myself when I am relieved.
I don’t know how to hug him enough to last a lifetime, or kiss him just so in order to feel satisfied—should our reunion be at the foot of a pine box.
I’m not willing to learn how to pretend he doesn’t exist, to keep him out of our life while it goes on without him, or to build a wall so high he has no way to scale it.
I don’t know how to stop his panic attacks, and I have no idea how to make my nightmares of rampant bombs and lifeless limbs disappear.
I don’t know how to adjust to his presence in my house when our floor rarely feels the weight of his boots.
I don’t know how to tell his small children that, yes, he leaves them all the time. But because he loves them so deeply, he is willing to die to keep them free.
I can’t understand those who would question my desire to stay with him, or how I can peacefully sleep beside a “killer.”
I am amazed and confounded that despite all he has seen, he still has the courage to laugh.
I don’t’ know how to give up on my family.
But, most importantly:

I have no clue how to still my pounding heart when he finally walks through our door again, I don’t know how to pull my hands from his sand-stained neck and say goodbye, and I don’t know how to ever walk away from a man who stands while many choose to sit.

[2thepoint]

Nice post, Kolja!