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Joined: Oct 2011
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W had her kickboxing belt test today. I was more than happy to have the kids for the evening. It was such a nice day and I'll take any excuse to be at the house.

Getting her yellow belt is a pretty big deal to her, so I wanted to help her celebrate. She is mostly gluten-free so she can't have cakes. I got a gluten-free key lime pie, and had a few friends over.

It was a nice evening.

I have to think of a way to show her I'm giving her more space even though we are running into each other more. I think working on the financial separation would probably work the best.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 243
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The single biggest problem in my life is the breakdown of my marriage and the damage that is causing to my family and household. I want desperately to fix this, but it's not completely within my control.

The second biggest problem in my life is that I don't get enough sleep. This has been the case since I was an adolescent. I can't get enough of being awake. There is more to do. I don't want to sleep until my body is well past the point of functioning well. I get less done because I'm not at my best, then I loose sleep trying to catch up and the cycle continues.

I've said I'm going to stop this cycle a number of times before but it never sticks. I wonder how much like someone tying to quit smoking or drinking this is. The temptation back to the bad habit is always there. I'll do it just one time... but I slide into day after day sleep deprivation again.

So many bad things follow from my not getting enough sleep, that it is probably the most important supportive action I can take to help my marriage right now, so I have to find a way to get it done.

Do I make myself a calendar? 30 days of being well-rested? I know I need to Just Do It, but so does a smoker hoping to change their habit.

This time I'll really do it? Well, I'll do it tonight, probably. I just need a way to push myself into sticking with it.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 243
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There are two areas of my life that I have pulled a fairly good 180 with.

1) I have found the energy and drive to take care of stuff around the house that I never had before - I always put it off or took the lazy route. I do the dishes, clean up after the kids, and make dinner almost every time I'm with the kids. I still feel that desire to crash on the couch and rest for a few minutes after I've tucked the kids in, but now I get the house cleaned for the next day first.
2) I exercise almost every day. Not a lot, but for 20 minutes or so at least almost every day. I'm stronger and I feel great, although I'm almost constantly a little sore because I like to push a little harder every time. (Surprisingly, 20 minutes is enough time to build muscle)

Other 180's I've done weren't about creating or changing existing habits, so much as they were about changing the way I react to things or handle things to improve the way W and I, and the kids and I relate, or harder to quantify things like putting more time and effort into caring for other people.

I've got to take something from those two big habit changers above to help me with the sleep goal. I have to be honest. With both of them, they are helpful in and of themselves, but I explicitly visualize how those changes make me more attractive to my spouse when I'm considering slacking off.

I know I'm supposed to be making these changes for myself, but that works for me. I feel weird and unconvinced about visualizing how going to bed on time is going to make me more attractive. I know it is actually true - who wouldn't prefer a mate who was more attentive and aware and witty and could remember things and be punctual, etc, etc ,etc. You want to be with someone who takes care of themselves and is overflowing with life energy and feels good.

In terms of attractiveness, it's probably more important than the working out, really. I think what is hard for me to accept is that it is not so much about doing something as not doing something. There are no immediately visible results. I have to *stop* doing everything else.

And honestly, that voice that goes through my head at 10 after 10 that says, "You'll be a better person if you go to sleep now." just becomes a downer as the night wears on and I feel like a jerk for not doing what I told myself I would.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 243
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I've had two extra days with the kids this week. I'm counting my blessings.

I'm also reminding myself to get out of W's way... Things have been nice, but I think I was pushing overstaying my welcome today.

On a completely unrelated note, detaching is not my strong suit. I found discarded pregnancy test wrapper in the bathroom and I was thrown. It turns out D15 had used it. I found this to be a relief. That's... the way I feel right now. I'm more comfortable knowing my daughter is sexually active than considering that my wife would be. ugh.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 243
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My mind is stuck this morning. I wish I could go back to the end of September and tell myself not to move back in. W was thinking about reconciling around our anniversary. It is so painful to think about. I could have been rebuilding my marriage as a team with her help all of this time.

Instead, I came home without letting her argue against it. Really callously, really. I thought I had a right to be home and be with my kids and that her way of fixing things - kicking me out - was absolutely morally wrong. I was so miserable then that I said I was moving back even if it pushed her to divorce. I'm pretty sure I actually said it out loud. It was a bluff, and a really dumb one.

I wish she had said that she was having some positive thoughts about our marriage but she needed me to stay away a little longer or something. Something. But instead, the last thing she said to me on the matter was that she wanted things to get better between us... and then she filed for divorce.

I can see now how my thoughts and actions were so clouded by anger and... entitlement. I thought I was entitled to live in my house and work on my marriage in a reasonable way. It seems pretty reasonable, really.

I want to tear the world in two when I think about how I missed this opportunity. frown

So, when I think about it now, I'm trying to do two things: How to avoid getting in my own way and missing another opportunity like this, and trying to understand what I broke inside my wife that week so I can figure out how to reset the clock and allow her to be thinking those thoughts again.

I want to ask her what changed that day.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 243
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OP Offline
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Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 243
I'm really struggling today. I was last night, too. I'm so tired of this life. I want my wife and my marriage and my kids back so badly. Ironically, (or not?) I got to see my kids nearly every day this week. I loved it.

Maybe my wife is giving me the gift of time right now, but there is no way to know without asking... and I'm afraid it's better not to ask. Well, no way to know without asking or waiting.

I know what I can do to improve my chances of reconciliation. I have to take care of some financial issues and take care of myself. I need to keep the compassion and energy flowing into the family and relationship I do have.

But I'm tired. And I want to be loved and accepted so badly.

I've been doing a lot of wishing over the last two days, and wishing doesn't make it so. It might actually make things worse.

I was supposed to cook dinner yesterday for D15 who I only see one or two days a week typically. I very rarely get my whole family together to eat dinner. W took her out to eat on a whim, when I had already started cooking (for 5) without considering my feelings. When I explained asked for her consideration in the future, I got zero empathy. Real typical WAW response, which I knew to expect and I did expect, but I still found it hurtful and more salt in the wound.

I'm not detached.

Today, I feel miserable. I need to pick myself back up.

I haven't been meditating. It helps; I should be.

I need a hug.

I'm going to go see a movie. It's a distraction. I'm going to wish I had done something productive, but I can't seem to get going right now.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
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I feel your pain. I am also NOT detached. I just talked to my DB coach today and she said that I need to move on as if my H has made the decision to D and that we are divorced because I'm not doing myself any good.

I do need a hug, too, and I only want it from one person and that person doesn't want to hug me. I truly feel your pain!!

I hope you enjoy your movie and can get your mind off of things.


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Oct 2011
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hope - I know you only want the hug from one person. I completely relate. If you can find a hug from someone else, it might still do you a lot of good.

The movie did not work. It reminded me of how much I love my wife and how strongly I feel about protecting my family. I still didn't want to go home. I stayed in the theater and watched the next movie that came on. I've never done that before. Again, I ended up thinking about W throughout the movie and especially afterward.

I nearly texted my wife. "I've spent hours trying to think of the right words. I can't do it." I've spent hours trying to put my mind around how to get her to come out and say, "Yes, our marriage is worth saving."

I know that I need to keep my needs to myself. I have to be silent until she needs me. She has our kids, our house, and always my full support. I worry with such an easy deal, she'll take so long to get there.

I know I have to get to sleep (fail today, again), take care of myself, take care of my finances, and take care of my job. Those things combined with maintaining my devoted support for her and our family will speak to her even when she won't listen to my words.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 243
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OP Offline
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Posts: 243
I'm finding it extremely hard to get out of my head and get my head out of my situation. I'm nearly desperate for some form of validation from my wife. Any form. Am I a good father? Do you respect what I'm doing on any level? Do you know I'm trying to something good for all of us?

This is backsliding for me. I need to get back to calm, cool, and detached. I need to give her space to come to me when she is ready. Or something.

Ugh. Really, I probably just need to think about this a lot less. But never in my life has there been anything as important to me as saving my family. I want to say to her:
"If I had known I was destroying my family, I would have done things differently. If I had understood how I was making you feel and pushing you away, I would have done things differently. I have more thoughts about this, and I wish very much that you would ask."

I think what would make a big difference to me is if I can realize and focus in on some sign of progress or find a way to embrace the opportunity I have right now more fully.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 243
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Posts: 243
When is it right or wrong to ask your wife if she wants to come to your counseling session. I feel like we're on the verge of that happening, but then I remembered that you're not supposed to push your S to come.

I'm not pushing. I plan to just ask if she might come.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
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