Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time

[ClingingToHope]

No big new news. With summer over, I thought it was time for a new thread.

I had my divorce recovery class again last night. The massive church I go to is hurting because they bought a mall expecting rent from tenants to help pay the mortgage. Well, the tenants left because of the economy and now they are on a big fundraising drive. If they don't reach a goal, all of the side ministries, including this divorce ministry, will be canceled.

I don't think they'll get the money. It's just too tough here.

After that talk was done, we got down to the actual class and it was OK. The session was about how "the fall" from the Garden of Eden affects relationships. I've never really bought into that one.

The discussion veered off into love languages and I admitted I still have problem saying thank you or praising XW. That goes way back. I hate having to rely on others. I always wanted to be Superman and so I've never been great thanking people for helping me.

XW's major love language -- I'm guessing, she never took the class -- is "Words of Affirmation." XW was always the pretty girl that everyone assumed wasn't very smart because she's so quiet. She loves, craves being told she's smart and successful.

I failed miserably at that and I'm still failing at it. Now, it's more out of stubborness because of the divorce.

So last night, after the session, I texted XW saying how well she prepared D12 for her audition last week.

I have no idea if she cares or not. I sent the text for me. I need to treat EVERYONE with respect.

[kat727]

Are you hoping at some point that you can still put your marriage back together? Nothing against that but I am thinking that if that is the case, this evaluation of things you needed to bring to the table in regards to her is a good start.

I know of two couples that divorced, worked through whatever they were going through and then remarried. Obviously if you aren't hoping for a future with her, it is great to evaluate for future relationships.

kat

[ClingingToHope]

Kat, I've closed no doors in my life. If something happened and magically XW showed up saying it was a mistake and she wanted to work on the R again I would not turn her down. It would take an awful lot to ever trust her again though. I see what Mishka is going through and it's a tough situation.

Either way I have to become more consistent in treating everyone with respect. I'm always playing angles. Trying to get things just like I want them. When someone is no longer useful or an impediment I treat them differently. That has to stop.

Journaling -- XW over again tonight. She is having major struggles getting bus routes set up correctly for girls. I could have done this last week when on vacation, but this is her responsibility so I stayed out of it.

Still, she feels it is necessary to call me after every phone call with the district.

Anyway, in final phone call D12 asked her to come over and sign marching band papers. Since XW was coming, D9 wanted her to read and sign her school handbook.

XW was coming from her mom's house because she had to pick up the dog. The fact the dog was there meant that she had another showing of the house, which still isn't selling after she dropped the price $20k.

So she was over for 30 minutes. I took the dog out to play. Hung around the living room for a bit. Then it was over.

My day? Got a few things done at work. Got a request to work another running race this weekend. I'll only be able to do one of two days (missing out on $175). So here's my weekend:

Friday -- regular job until 4 p.m. Pick up D9 and take her to XW's. Then head to high school football game to earn extra $45 as scoreboard operator. Also covering game for newspaper because of the budget cuts.

Saturday -- head to town 60 minutes away to shoot pool video for my sister's company. Wanted to change this but the guy actually shooting the video really, really needs the money. I'm making like $75. He's making $300 or so. After, head to Chicago suburb for Sunday race.

Sunday -- beginning at 12:30 a.m. head to running race and work until about 4 p.m. Then home to ... sleep probably because I'll be back to regular job on Monday.

Ten years from now when child support is a memory and I'm hopefully in a bigger house in a better place in life I'll look back at this time and wonder how I put this all together.

[whatisis]

CTH, I always said that too "I close no doors" but I wonder if that is the route to take for either of us. There's nothing wrong with being co-operative, supportive (depending on the issue e.g. childrearing)but it's really not your job to affirm her anymore. Be careful with the affirming thing, it can look like you're trying to get her back and that can raise an ugly head. If I recall one of her major complaints for a while was that you hadn't given up. Try not to do "more of the same". Just thoughts, but I'm damn proud of you for the effort you are putting into bridging that large divide between the two of you. It's an enormous benefit to the kids.

[ClingingToHope]

Long weekend done and the cake-eating continues this morning.

XW has to be in to work early on Monday so she texts to ask if I can take girls to school this morning?

I was going to donate plasma and make an extra $20, but I can do it tomorrow. So I say yes.

She drops D9 off at 7:15 a.m. Or more accurately she follows D9. She rode her bike here without a jacket and was freezing.

So I get her off to school and D9 tells me a little about her weekend including a couple of XW quotes of "your dad shouldn't."

I was a little perturbed and was considering sending a text. Then I thought, XW is just jealous. She always has been. The latest issue was about D9 hanging out at this one girl's house when she doesn't want to do something with D12 and me. XW tells D9 that I'm using this family as "free babysitting."

Duh.

I don't have family here like XW has her mom to fill in gaps. So I've set up a network of people D9's friends with where she can go for a couple of hours. It's a trade off because I'll have their kids over here to give them a break.

XW doesn't do this because it entails calling people and asking and then also helping them in return.

Oh well.

XW also didn't look at lunch menu and sent D9 to school without a lunch. D9 didn't like school lunch options, threw a fit, and the school called me -- because XW didn't answer her phone at work -- and I took her lunch.

So super dad to the rescue -- again.

The key to all of these situations is that I'm doing what's best for the girls. I am making XW's life easier, but I have bigger issues to face than struggling over schedules.

The only thing from weekend I really wasn't happy with is I didn't make it out Saturday night. My social circle is in flux. My friend from the newspaper who I would head out with moved after being let go. The wife of another former co-worker who usually goes out, went out Friday and stayed in Saturday. Several others who sometimes go out weren't. So I stayed in. The positive is I saved money but still ...

Final thing for those of who made it through whole post. Next Tuesday is XW's 40th birthday. I plan on sending her black balloons at work and a card simply saying happy birthday.

I believe the 40th is a significant birthday and -- unlike XW -- I plan on being the bigger person and sending something. Also -- and this is the devious XH -- XW usually didn't want a big deal made out of her birthday because she doesn't like getting older. Now, I'll be letting her whole office know she's 40.

So it works on a couple of levels.

[awest1217]

On the last part...lol.

[mishka422]

OUCH. You don't think that gesture might backfire and have her spewing at you? You're making strides to be respectful toward her, does this add to your goal?

[Drew]

CTH,

I'm with mishka. I think you should seriously reconsider sending the balloons to her office.

[oldtimer]

Mish is absolutely right.

Skip the balloons, it is an ugly and inappropriate thing to do.

Black balloons can only be sent by a very closed loved one. You are not that.

Sending them is not only mean and spiteful, it is invasive and intrusive, it is bordering on stalker like behavior.

You are not her spouse, not her significant other, not her friend, not her lover.
Back off and leave her the he11 alone. Criminy.

If you really want to be the bigger person, encourage your kids to make something of their own choosing for her and support their project. If you feel you must give her a gift, give her movie passes for her and your kids (not you), or something like that -- a disposable gift certificate.

[whatisis]

By sending any type of balloons, flowers etc you are opening up the possibility that others will ask who sent them therefore you may create embarassment and that's not what here BD should be.