The lighter side of the DB universe struck in my home yesterday morning, and I unwittingly managed to upstage 2TP's underwear show for his wife.
I was in the bathroom after a shower and was home alone...or so I thought. My clothes were in my room and I figured it was safe to make the trek from point A to B, sans towel. It was a little cold so I threw on my S13's Godzilla t-shirt and exited the bathroom...and there was my W who had forgotten something and came home for it. I don't think she was expecting the all nude male review featuring the Godzilla shirt. She said "ooooh hi", and I said "hey" and just kept going.
On a more normal note, I seemed to have had much the same weekend as a number of you guys did and I asked for and received a lot of great feedback on the board.
I'm coming to terms with the fact that my W is truly on a journey of epic proportions and that she has to go it alone in order for any answers she gets to be totally owned by her. I have to trust that the same universal processes that are guiding me are guiding her. I have to trust and respect that she has a survival mechanism built in just like I do and trust that she will figure it out.
I have to truly get that I am on my own journey too and that I cannot always see the reasons behind what is happening or why, but need to have faith and do my part by accepting fear and moving forward step by step, and by the way be joyful about it, and create that as much as I can for my fellow human beings.
As far back as I can remember, as young as 2 or 3 I remember having even then a calling to find the real truth behind things, to see beyond the structures we as people have created on the surface, but hide the truth behind it. When I was in my teens I decided to ask a creator to give it to me straight on, the experiences I needed to grow and to see the truth, to be a warrior for the world and change it for the better. And my prayers were answered. Those sitches came and I rose to the occasions. But like they say be careful of what you ask for. I had no way of knowing then at that age that this sort of test would be waiting down the road (even though my parents had split). So when this test came I was so on the ropes but managed to rally, and now even welcome it in a way. Just saying....this sitch that her and I are both in, is as much for me as it is for her. Will I have the strength enough to accept this, love her enough to let her go, love another enough to keep the home going without a shred of gauranty of a new type M with her? I taking it head on and do feel a sense of peace that has been missing for a long, long time.
And how is my W? The sense of truly letting go is such a relief for me and makes it easier for her I think (even if it's really only her picking up on my more peaceful state). As I get better at letting her go I am not interpreting everyhting she does thru my filter, my expectations and hopes. So, its much easier for me to see clearly what state she is in, as opposed to defining everything she does thru me.
Last night she needed me to drive her company bus (for patients) back from Boston because she is scared to death to drive it at night, through the ghetto, throuth the tight city streets. So we drive in together and then I get out and drive the bus back. The entire way in to the city she is non-stop telling me stories, thoughts, feelings, just about everything about her lately. It's just coming out, total free association, each new thing unrelated to the last. Not once doe she ask me about anything in my life. I'm just this sounding board for her. And because I have really let her go, it was not threatening in any way. I can be outside of her, know that all of this from her is just her in the process of rewiring her entire life.
This morning she came around to show me a book she had. I think it's called A New Awakening. What it is is a book that has a life lesson for each day of the year...a short 1 page story. Says she wants both of us to read each day's story and then compare notes. I was suprised by this.
The lighter side of the DB universe struck in my home yesterday morning, and I unwittingly managed to upstage 2TP's underwear show for his wife.
I was in the bathroom after a shower and was home alone...or so I thought. My clothes were in my room and I figured it was safe to make the trek from point A to B, sans towel. It was a little cold so I threw on my S13's Godzilla t-shirt and exited the bathroom...and there was my W who had forgotten something and came home for it. I don't think she was expecting the all nude male review featuring the Godzilla shirt. She said "ooooh hi", and I said "hey" and just kept going.
On a more normal note, I seemed to have had much the same weekend as a number of you guys did and I asked for and received a lot of great feedback on the board.
I'm coming to terms with the fact that my W is truly on a journey of epic proportions and that she has to go it alone in order for any answers she gets to be totally owned by her. I have to trust that the same universal processes that are guiding me are guiding her. I have to trust and respect that she has a survival mechanism built in just like I do and trust that she will figure it out.
I have to truly get that I am on my own journey too and that I cannot always see the reasons behind what is happening or why, but need to have faith and do my part by accepting fear and moving forward step by step, and by the way be joyful about it, and create that as much as I can for my fellow human beings.
As far back as I can remember, as young as 2 or 3 I remember having even then a calling to find the real truth behind things, to see beyond the structures we as people have created on the surface, but hide the truth behind it. When I was in my teens I decided to ask a creator to give it to me straight on, the experiences I needed to grow and to see the truth, to be a warrior for the world and change it for the better. And my prayers were answered. Those sitches came and I rose to the occasions. But like they say be careful of what you ask for. I had no way of knowing then at that age that this sort of test would be waiting down the road (even though my parents had split). So when this test came I was so on the ropes but managed to rally, and now even welcome it in a way. Just saying....this sitch that her and I are both in, is as much for me as it is for her. Will I have the strength enough to accept this, love her enough to let her go, love another enough to keep the home going without a shred of gauranty of a new type M with her? I taking it head on and do feel a sense of peace that has been missing for a long, long time.
And how is my W? The sense of truly letting go is such a relief for me and makes it easier for her I think (even if it's really only her picking up on my more peaceful state). As I get better at letting her go I am not interpreting everyhting she does thru my filter, my expectations and hopes. So, its much easier for me to see clearly what state she is in, as opposed to defining everything she does thru me.
Last night she needed me to drive her company bus (for patients) back from Boston because she is scared to death to drive it at night, through the ghetto, throuth the tight city streets. So we drive in together and then I get out and drive the bus back. The entire way in to the city she is non-stop telling me stories, thoughts, feelings, just about everything about her lately. It's just coming out, total free association, each new thing unrelated to the last. Not once doe she ask me about anything in my life. I'm just this sounding board for her. And because I have really let her go, it was not threatening in any way. I can be outside of her, know that all of this from her is just her in the process of rewiring her entire life.
This morning she came around to show me a book she had. I think it's called A New Awakening. What it is is a book that has a life lesson for each day of the year...a short 1 page story. Says she wants both of us to read each day's story and then compare notes. I was suprised by this.
You are approaching true detachment. It must make you feel relieved in some ways to "let her go" to discover her path.
Your W is reaching out to you on many levels. She still relies on you to be there for her to do certain things, like driving the bus through city streets.
The ride to the city wasn't full of awkward silence and tension. Your W opened up to you about things that were on her mind. Yes, they were not about your R or the kids or the future. It was things that were on her mind. It sounds like your W withdraws from everything and everyone and spends a lot of time alone. Does she have a close friend or family member whom she talks to about anything? You did amazing by being there for her and listening. That's what she needs right now, just someone to listen to her.
Very interesting about the book about life lessons, and the fact that she wants both of you to read it and compare notes. Very, very interesting.
I think one thing that your wife may be struggling with is that she sees you "moving on", doing things for yourself and being happy. She may feel like you're moving on without her. She's still stuck and is trying to figure out which way to go. As you continue to detach, don't go too far from her. Don't reach out to her in ways of pursuing, but do check up on her every now and then and let her know that you're there. You can do so by doing what you've been doing, listen to her when she's opening up. Don't offer advice unless she asks. I don't think she wants you to move on without her, but she can't seem to figure out how to go with you yet. She's making progress, even if it seems minuscule right now.
wow! i second everything NH said. i see so many positives.. even the peep show!
your wife sounds like she is trying to figure things out. and it is so great because it's on her own time. so much better than being part of the walking dead don't you think (which btw is awesome.. i'm almost caught up)? she has to be ok with herself before she's ok as a we.
i think it's so great that she's reached out to you regarding the book. i think if she didn't care about connecting w/ you.. she wouldn't bother asking you to read it. if my H would consider reading one self book i would be over the moon! so much better to doing something.. anything!
as your wife tries to rebuild herself, i pray that her journey leads back to you and your family because you are an AMAZING man. you have managed to walk this path w/ grace, empathy and an extraordinary amount of patience. well done eggie!
in the meantime, what are you going to continue doing for yourself?
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
I too see a bunch of positives in your story. She asked *YOU* to drive with her, she knew that meant spendIng time alone with you... And she seemed comfortable with that.
Im sure 'Godzilla' was a surprise as well, but she didn't run away.
Your squirrel is coming closer and closer, you just have to continue to be patient but at the same time GAL on your own path... Still haven't figured out how to stand still and move forward at the same time.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
You are approaching true detachment. It must make you feel relieved in some ways to "let her go" to discover her path.
It really does feel good, it's been a year since I felt any peace and real happiness in myself, although with you guys I feel so good, and my yoga friends too.
Your W is reaching out to you on many levels. She still relies on you to be there for her to do certain things, like driving the bus through city streets.
It's a mixed up bag for her...her wanting to learn to be independent....her need for me just because for certain things that no matter what require teamwork...that's gonna take her time to figure out on top of the host of other psyche issues she has
The ride to the city wasn't full of awkward silence and tension. Your W opened up to you about things that were on her mind. Yes, they were not about your R or the kids or the future. It was things that were on her mind. It sounds like your W withdraws from everything and everyone and spends a lot of time alone. Does she have a close friend or family member whom she talks to about anything? Unfortunately she withdrew from her entire world(except for the OM d-bag cousin soon to be dead - no anger there huh?) You did amazing by being there for her and listening. That's what she needs right now, just someone to listen to her.
Very interesting about the book about life lessons, and the fact that she wants both of you to read it and compare notes. Very, very interesting.
Yeah...we used to swap books all the time. Even read the same books at same time....I would read a page, tear it out and she would read it while I read ahead. Nothing like that happening in a long time. Still feeling very detached teven with these things going on.
I think one thing that your wife may be struggling with is that she sees you "moving on", doing things for yourself and being happy. She may feel like you're moving on without her. She's still stuck and is trying to figure out which way to go. As you continue to detach, don't go too far from her. Don't reach out to her in ways of pursuing, but do check up on her every now and then and let her know that you're there. You can do so by doing what you've been doing, listen to her when she's opening up. Don't offer advice unless she asks. I don't think she wants you to move on without her, but she can't seem to figure out how to go with you yet. She's making progress, even if it seems minuscule right now.
