Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time

[figgeroni]

Clinging...you seem so raw yet from the divorce.

It sounds like you have at least been separated since 2009 and while I know there is no timeline to healing, I am concerned that it is still so fresh for you

I also agree with Barb

I am a chubby girl and more than 50 pounds overweight. But, I am happy...I have a successful and satifying career, am loving, a great mom, talented, creative, generous and beautiful

the weight is only a factor for me

not Cori

and certainly not anyone else who has been in my life

not his cop friends who come over and tell him how lucky he is to have me, not my collegues who, not knowing my life story, asked me out on dates etc. Our physical appearances do NOT make us good life partners

our souls do

what do these guys give your exes that they were needing? affirmation? attention? freedom? feeling better about themselves?

for example
physically, Cori may not be the most muscular guy I have ever dated
but
he tells me every day I am beautiful
he tells me everyday how much he loves me
and
he lets me be all tough and ghetto at home
but he protects me every second of everyday (like he walks with his body to the curb and me on the inside)
I even feel safe when he is at home and I am at work because I know that in a heartbeat...no questions...all the muscles and workouts that other guys did NEVER gave me that

[ClingingToHope]

I could speculate what the new BF gives XW, but it doesn't really matter does it.

Yes. Things are still very raw from the divorce. My brain just swirls from one problem to the next. I have stretches of days where I'm OK. I have stretches where I'm pretty down. I have very few days where I'm just even.

I've been very conscious of my stress. I'll wake up in the morning or be watching something, doing something or reading and a bad thought comes into my head and I can feel my whole body seize up. There are times where it feels like I'm not breathing.

Strange.

Other thoughts. I may never be comfortable around XW. If not, I'll accept that. I see now why divorced parents move away from their kids. It'd be so much better if I could just start over somewhere else.

I still wonder if it's like a poker game. I still feel like I don't have a good hand -- my house is smaller, I have to work all the time to make ends meet, I'm not dating anyone even though that was my choice in January. So I don't want to play. When I get a stronger hand I'll have more confidence and it won't hurt to see her. Even though I know it's wrong, I have this feeling I'm "losing" the divorce.

This is such a mental challenge.

I was at my Monday night workout class -- which I won't go to again until July because I'm booked umpiring every Monday except Memorial Day in May and June -- when I just thought about how good it's going to feel when I'm finally over this. That gave me some peace.

Hey, sorry about the weight comment. I see it hit some people in sore spots. Years and years ago, XW told me she didn't want to be like her mom -- very overweight and opinionated -- and if I saw that she was I was to tell her.

When she had our first daughter, we ran together until she got down to a size 2. Then she got back to a 4 after our second daughter. She always seemed happier when she was in shape. When she gained all her weight I tried to help -- but by then she was against everything I said.

One of the things she said before I moved out was that "she wanted to be fat."

Now, three years later, D13 tells me about XW's on again, off again efforts to lose weight. D13 says she's going to work out with XW this summer.

It's her life. I remember after D13 was born, that summer when we were running together was one of my favorite summers ever.

I was very thin growing up and I look awful when I'm overweight. I look awful though when I'm too thin. My workout routine is one thing I am pretty happy with. It was just interesting how my first GF and my XW are with people exactly the opposite of me.

The weekend with the girls went well. We didn't do much Friday night. Saturday D13 had a band performance during the day. So D9 and I picked up a friend and went to the children's museum. Then I took them to a fundraiser at a country club. It was actually cheaper to take them to the fundraiser ($50 for 4 people) than to go to a regular restaurant. I let them stay up late.

Sunday, D9 was on the verge of a meltdown for some reason in the morning. I waited it out and we made it to church. We ate after, went to the YMCA for an hour (D13 and I rode stationary bikes and walked on the track) while D9 tried to get on the YMCA computers.

Then home to relax.

There are lots of good things happening for me. The finances for the summer are in good shape because of the umpiring. I'm meeting with the local college for grad school on Thursday. Three fourths of my life are in good shape -- I have a fitness plan that is working, I have a financial plan that is difficult but doable and I have a career plan. Now, it's just the social plan. For as much as I get out and as many friends as I have, the truth of the matter is I'd trade it in a second for someone. I like dinner at home and movies on the couch.

[ClingingToHope]

Weird thing today snapped me out of my doldrums for a couple of hours. D9 had a rough day at school yesterday. They haven't been as frequent, so when I picked her up and she was in the "timeout" room I didn't think much of it.

Last night D9 told XW about the incident and she fired off a nasty email to the teacher this morning. She cc'd me.

She has zero tact and for years I had to pick up the pieces.

For the past couple of years I've not chimed in on these exchanges because XW told me I undercut her when I'd smooth things over.

Well, her email was out of line and I emailed the teacher and said I think the team is doing a fine job. D9 can be a trying child.

I imagined what the conversation would have gone like last night. She would be ranting and raving, and I'd be there asking her if she really wanted to send an email with that tone. She'd then get mad that I wasn't backing her up and it'd be another silent night.

[ClingingToHope]

Lots of stuff going on. Umpiring Friday night and Saturday day. Out with a friend Friday night for a little bit. Saturday, watched boxing with friends and thought about heading out, but I looked awful -- really tired. So I went home.

Sunday, listened to a great sermon about families and it helped and hurt. It reinforced that I have years left to be a positive influence on my family and I have to stay on the correct path. It also reminded me how much has changed and how much I miss the family unit.

I worked for a couple of hours because of a rotating weekend thing and then drove 90 minutes north to hang out with my cousins.

It was a good weekend. I just have to keep grinding through days.

I am still working on how to pay for grad school. I may do a marketing project for the college in exchange for tuition. I got a text from my developer friend -- who also is on the board of directors for the college -- that the president of the college liked my project idea.

It could work out to be a win-win, but it's another demand on my time. Siiiiiggggghhhhhhhh. I have to keep on the grindstone though and honestly if this project works out the local college is one of the places I'd targeted as a possible place for me when I'm finished with the masters. That would be ironic.

The night with the cousins was fun, but I had to rehash the February-March discovery of XW's boyfriend and how much of a loop it threw me for.

Tomorrow is another crazy day. Company softball team in the morning. Out to a local plant for the launch of the first of its new models then umpiring at night. I haven't worked out in four days because of everything going on. It's really going to be difficult to meet my goal.

Have I said how tiring May and June is going to be?

Will have to see XW Wednesday and Saturday. Then I should have a break from her for a while. Probably will see XW's boyfriend on Saturday. Friend of mine gave me a long talk about needing to meet this guy for the good of the girls. I'm just not ready. Hopefully by fall. Lots of things are going to happen in the next five months -- pay off my car, take girls on Chicago, Canada trips, enroll and begin grad school.

That's a lot to get accomplished and at that point I'll have several more months of water under the bridge.

[ClingingToHope]

Feeling better and I'm sure it's a mix of a couple of things.

My sister, who is paying me to write a blog for her company, needs a bookkeeper and is going to pay me to do it. I handled the books for our mom's business 15 years ago. It isn't much, $75 a month, but that's another $910 a year. Every little bit helps.

Plus, there were just four tickets left to D9's dance recital Saturday night and XW bought all four and then offered me one -- since I didn't have one yet. She says she'll sit with her mother and I can sit with D13.

As soon as I found out what the tickets cost I'll send her the money. Plus, in all honesty I'm relieved I won't see XW's boyfriend. I'm guessing I got his ticket.

I still want more time to get used to that before we have to start sharing events together.

Umpiring going well. Did one game last night and have two more. I am very, very confident I will have ample money to enjoy all three summer weeks off with the girls.

That developer friend of mine had a dream date, he said, last night with a doctor in D.C. I looked up her photo online. She's very pretty. I'm happy for him. I asked how he met her and he said mutual friends.

I texted him. "I need your mutual friends. My friends haven't helped me at all." At least not with hookups. They've been very helpful with helping me fill the time.

[kml]

I texted him. "I need your mutual friends. My friends haven't helped me at all."

Ha ha - mine neither! I've only been kinda set up once since my divorce - and I lost any interest the minute the guy told my friend she didn't have to leave the waitress such a big tip.

I would take it personally, but the truth is, most of my friends are coupled up and friends with other couples, so they're just not a rich source of dates.

[kat727]

I was going to say the same thing Gineen. They will help you when they can tell you are ready, not just because you say you are.

kat

[whatisis]

I set up my best friend once and they lived together for 11 years...until she left him for a drug addicted ex convict. Sometimes it's best to do it yourself! Actually my friends did help me, they told me to go on a dating site and that's worked out pretty good...unless she ends up leaving me for a drug addicted ex convict.

[SunFunOne]

My friends never set me up either. And despite the fact I sat on the boards of several great charities (where you meet really nice people) - I never found Mr Right there (how did you really know if they were married or not?). I never found him in the grocery store either like many people told me. NOPE - I had to step outside of my city and look where there were a load of other single people also looking. And I really had to work at being able to weed them out online before meeting them.

As you know - it worked out for me.

Barb

[ClingingToHope]

And then the air comes out of the balloon. D13 went to XW's house after school. She's supposed to come to mine but there was a miscommunication.

When I went over there both girls were on edge because they know I don't like to go over there. D9 actually asked to go in first to make sure the BF wasn't there. The look on her face ...

And I felt just awful afterward. They have enough to worry about and they feel they have to worry about my feelings.

I want to be better, but I'm just not. I told them the right things -- I'm OK, blah, blah, blah -- but I don't feel the right things.

I felt awful at the baseball games and made a couple of mistakes because I couldn't concentrate.

This morning I had to send XW a text about weekend stuff. Her response indicated she's spending Saturday night at the BF's house. I think this is permanent. I shouldn't care. I know that. Still it hurts. I want to scream at her. Throw things.

Why can't I let go?

I have to see her today about summer camp and again on Friday and Saturday because of dance recitals.

I soooo want to move far, far away and just start over.

I sent an email to my health system's doctor referral service. I think it's time I saw someone about depression. Nothing else -- working myself to death, working out, reading -- is working.

I feel like I'm 9 years old again with messy hair, buck teeth and unstylish clothes wondering if anyone will ever like me.