NOTICE: In order to help the OnLine Community run more efficiently, we will be pruning the boards over the next few weeks. If there are any Topics or Posts you want to keep, please save them soon.
Page 2 of 10 < 1 2 3 4 ... 9 10 >
Topic Options
#2231954 - 03/19/12 11:27 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
Do not leave your home. Do not give up your son. Stay in your home. Stay in your bed. You are not leaving the marriage. This is a huge mistake to give up either.

As for the friends. When they tell you this stuff. Listen. Then ask your friend to be a friend of the marriage. Tell them to support and love the both of you. Always take the high road. Then change the subject and talk about their life. I call it the master of talking tons, but saying nothing.

This has the advantage that your mutual friends will see the character in you. It also helps your friends in knowing that you are not just talking to them to gather information. As that is perusing. And we do not want to break that major rule of DB. As its a path of good intentions.

Once your mind is back on track. You should go and complete that goal and get your masters.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

Top
#2232079 - 03/20/12 12:31 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: chatterbug]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I think chatterbug has some of your best advice yet. I wanted to share a post that I found on one of the boards here that I saved for myself when times are rough. I think it's very powerful.

Now there are two kinds of divorce that happen, sort of at the same time. One is the legal divorce, and the other one is the emotional divorce.

We get the two confused.

We think we're going to stop the emotional divorce by stopping the legal divorce. The more you try to stop the legal side of divorce, the more rebellious he or she feels.

The more you use pressure, the less they see your inner beauty and your charm.

Everybody thinks, professionals and non-professionals alike, they say to have a happy marriage or a happy relationship, you have to work at it.

But I say that it's the working that makes it not work.

When you criticize, you're working at improving your mate.

When you complain to your lover, you're working at improving them.

When you argue, you're working at improving them.

When you try to reason with them.

When you tell them how much you love them.

Both when you're reasoning and when you're telling them how much you love them, you are trying to change them. You are working at changing them. And it's that working at changing them, that is the only problem.

Proof? You want proof?

Stop all of that, and watch the relationship get better.

Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.

It's perfectly okay.

And watch them improve themselves.

Their negative feelings towards you will weaken rapidly, because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.

You have put the white flag up.

You've thrown your gun down.

That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.

It's not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy.

Agree with them.

Do not disagree at all.

It's not to your advantage.
....Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.

Every time you say to them, "But, I love you," you are saying, "but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important."

Lots of times men tell their wives, "I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed."

I tell the husbands that "Every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed."

"Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that."

"Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?"

"Yeah, I want her back."

"That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're saying, 'Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want."

And subconsciously, she says, "He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way."
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2232081 - 03/20/12 12:37 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: jks]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I know in your case you have already filed but quite possibly by not pushing the issue any further and letting nature take its course, you may be able to turn this around after all. If you can find the thread by "Bustorama" it is one of the best DBing stories I have ever seen on the boards. A lot of powerful stuff there and he was able to turn his R around in the end.

Obviously, it has to be something that you want. So maybe you need to really evaluate what YOU want first.

From what I read on his threads, he had to do a lot of validating to his wife and he did go out and GAL FOR REAL. He was doing things for himself and loving himself more and more everyday. It's a really good read if you can find it.

Good luck to you!
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2232620 - 03/22/12 10:48 AM Re: looking for hope [Re: jks]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
So today my W moved her direct deposit somewhere else. When I asked her what she is going to do about a bounced check and the bills she said it was on me because I put my foot down about not leaving the house and I should use the money I took out of the savings. She then moved all of our sons money into the checking which is no where near the amount I need to pay the bills and buy groceries. I told her that she knows the money I have is to support my access to our son when I'm homeless and if I don't have a job. Plus, that is what I'm using for the attorney.

I also repeated that the reason I have not left is because I am trying to provide stability for our son and a two parent household, but she left.

It seems like when she text and is on the phone she is meaner than when she is in person. The past two days she has been polite. She even spent 30 mins at home trying to get our son to bed. She told me she is dreading this weekend which I have him all to myself. She said she doesn't know how she is going to cope and that she was surprised I didn't call her when she had him. I said I was respecting her space. She also said she didn't want to let me have him for 30 days during the summer. I didn't say anything to that. In my mind that is something for the judge to decide. So that made me feel better. Knowing that she was thinking about why I didn't call. Plus, she offered me one of her cookies.

I am getting closer to getting a job. I had a really long interview that went well. However, the hours are not great and the pay is low. I also joined a union and I hope to be getting called soon for work this weekend.

I will never look at a roller coaster the same way again. And the ride has just begun.
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

Top
#2232648 - 03/22/12 01:46 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
Bills affect both your credit.

You have a few options here.

1. If the bills are in her name. Leave them be and do not open any of her mail. Her Responsibility
2. If the bills are in both your names. a) Inform her that she is responsible to continue to pay 50% of the bills.
3. If your prior agreement was for her to pay 100% of the bills and the bill payments came from that recently closed bank account. Then it is her responsibility to update the companies where the payments are coming from.

4. Contact your lawyer. State the facts. But make sure you add in that wife has abandoned home , children. Proof is in the fact that she no longer lives there, pays any bills nor pays for any food for the children. Ask what your legally required to do in this situation. ( Make sure you research all this ahead of time so you know the answers ) You may be surprised here that the wife will have to pay up and give a lump sum to carry you over. It is also funny how people are after a lawyer contacts another lawyer and mentions this proof of abandonment and that lawyer contacts their client and explains it to them... Then magically money starts to flow again.

5. Cave in and let her have her way.

So your wife is looking at having services shut off that affect you and your 2 year old son. Knowing full well that you have zero income generation and is hoping to starve you of your money for a lawyer that is helping you with the legalities of your divorce. All in a temper over the fact she is not getting her way 100% of the time and your happy she offered you a cookie...

That my friend is taking crumbs.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

Top
#2232667 - 03/22/12 03:01 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
HollyAnn Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/11
Posts: 124
You need to investigate the possibility of OM in her life. Keep an eye on cell and bank records.
This advice to "not snoop" is misguided and very dangerous. Until you know exactly what you are dealing with, you need to "snoop" to protect your own well being and to be able to head off any of her shenanigans.
As far as her "getting angry"....so what? Let her!!
Do not operate out of fear. Keep your cool no matter what she says or does. She will "get angry" about anything and everything. Again, so what?
Women do not respect a man they can boss around; it is very repugnant to us and reeks of weakness; not at all attractive.
Stand up for yourself and let her anger roll off your back.

Top
#2232677 - 03/22/12 03:27 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: HollyAnn]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
^^^um, really?!
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

Top
#2232678 - 03/22/12 03:28 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
Go ahead and cuss her out and break stuff while you are at it...
(kidding btw)
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

Top
#2232679 - 03/22/12 03:31 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/12
Posts: 871
Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky
Go ahead and cuss her out and break stuff while you are at it...
(kidding btw)


Funny! LOL

Snooping for me always sends me in a tailspin. I wouldn't advise you do it unless you're planning on making immediate decisions based on what you find out.
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

Top
#2232680 - 03/22/12 03:32 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3689
JC...

Right now, The relationship should really take a back burner to the welfare of your Son...

You are the primary caregiver....yes ?

His primary residence is in the home you stay in ??

You have no income right now, and were a stay at home Dad ?

Wife has moved out ?

Household bills were paid from an account that she furnished the funds to ???

Top
Page 2 of 10 < 1 2 3 4 ... 9 10 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004