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#2229975 - 03/12/12 08:14 PM Dagnabit!
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I'm still here...

and so are you, if you're reading this.

Fear and Love-previous thread
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2229980 - 03/12/12 08:43 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
kolja Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/11
Posts: 335
Loc: WA
*Looks around*

Indeed we are. I'm beginning to think this could take a while.
_________________________
Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12

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#2229999 - 03/12/12 09:56 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: kolja]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2515
Loc: Piney Land
Bug I'm glad we are still here. Hopefully we will be here for a long time nothing wrong with that. Glad to have you in my corner. Things will start to look up when you least expect it. That's how it works.
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2230002 - 03/12/12 10:00 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Rick1963]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
I brought my lawn chair and the popcorn... ready for the LBS block party!

I'm glad we're all still here... and that you're still here to deal out helpful advice!
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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#2230003 - 03/12/12 10:01 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Rick1963]
Truegritter Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/10
Posts: 2686
Originally Posted By: Kolja
Indeed we are. I'm beginning to think this could take a while.


<------ Ya think?
_________________________
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am

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#2230008 - 03/12/12 10:16 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Truegritter]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
Sir Elton John
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2230019 - 03/12/12 10:39 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1073
Loc: Hawaii
Hey Labug!

Yep, Still Standing.....

I'm working on a hand pieced quilt, wonder which will be done first?

Hope all is well with you!

Wendy
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

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#2230029 - 03/12/12 10:55 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: WenikiTiki]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Any update for us Bug?
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2230035 - 03/12/12 11:04 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: sayitaintso]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Generalissimo Francisco Franco is STILL dead!
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2230042 - 03/12/12 11:28 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
kolja Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/11
Posts: 335
Loc: WA
I was trying to think of a weekend update quote from the golden age of snl but the only one I could think of is utterly inappropriate !!
_________________________
Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12

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#2230044 - 03/12/12 11:33 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: kolja]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Jane, you ignorant slut!
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2230069 - 03/13/12 12:47 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
kolja Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/11
Posts: 335
Loc: WA
Yep, that's the one!
_________________________
Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12

Top
#2230079 - 03/13/12 03:20 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: kolja]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1073
Loc: Hawaii
More Cowbell?
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

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#2230081 - 03/13/12 03:39 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: WenikiTiki]
barely floating Online
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 754
La - I've got the gloves and lube.. You get the syringe.. Together.. We can conquer the world!
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2230111 - 03/13/12 07:47 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: barely floating]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2515
Loc: Piney Land
Lol BF
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2230130 - 03/13/12 09:22 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Rick1963]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Yes, bf, those 3 things can cure most things...

Except

I've got a disease and the only cure is__________________

See Wendy, above^^^^^^
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2230183 - 03/13/12 12:02 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
ptcr Offline
Member

Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 88
Y'all are all crazy and I appreciate the laughs this morning! Lawn chairs, quilts, popcorn and SNL reruns???? I thought we were walking to LA with a stop in Vegas?

Thinking of you and wishing you well, my friends.
_________________________
Me: 44 H: 45
Married 22
S 18, S 16
Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12

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#2230184 - 03/13/12 12:07 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: kolja]
gunny Offline
Member

Registered: 08/22/11
Posts: 682
Loc: new jersey
Hello Ladyh,
Reading up on the last few posts on your thread, I sense the frustration of LBS, and I feel it also. I have lately found myself thinking how like an adolescent my w has acted over the last 9 mos. As someone mentioned here, I would say its accurate that most of us view taking vows as a sacred oath, which is why you do it before God and your family and friends.

I sometimes feel like my w took the vows hoping that things would work out, and if they didnt, oh well, nice try, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Very high schoolish, almost like dating someone senior year, and you know you are going away to college next year, so, you dump the boyfriend/girlfriend to experience the fun of life, because, well, after all your're getting old and you dont want to settle down without being happy.

Sorry for the hijack, Guess I'm frustrated too. Hope you are well,
_________________________
m 53
XW 47
m 12
t 14
bomb 6-11
s 10-11
wife moved to other state 10-21-11
d 9-12

O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!

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#2230193 - 03/13/12 12:52 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: gunny]
jbnati Offline
Member

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 2748
Loc: Cincinnati
labug,
Yep, I'm still here, too. It's been quite a ride. I agree with gunny. It's appalling how our WASs are acting and how they're treating the marital vows right now.
_________________________
BITS
Me:46 / W:47 / M:19 / T:21 / S13
Bomb#1: 5/8/2008
MC: 5/2008 - 4/2010
Bomb#2: 2/10/2011
W moves out 5/7/2011

'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.' - Matt. 19:26

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#2230495 - 03/14/12 12:23 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: jbnati]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Bugsy...just found your new thread. Someone posted above about how long this process takes. That stuck with me today as so true. I keep hearing that it takes 1 month for every year married. I'm starting to believe that. If the math is correct I have another year on the crazy train!

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#2230520 - 03/14/12 01:20 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: rickb89]
JustStunned Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/11
Posts: 1225
Loc: Ohio
Will she? Will she acknowledge it? Will she express it? If the one month for every year guideline holds I too have about a year left. So how to spend it? Holding on waiting for a sign will not do! For me waiting like this will breed resentment.

I will live my life enjoyably. I will meet my obligations. I will be true to myself. I will remember my core values and comport myself within their bounds. If at some point in the future we should come together again I will be doing so from a position of serenity and strength.
_________________________
BITS
Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55
D 30
S 27

You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill

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#2230530 - 03/14/12 01:42 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: JustStunned]
8anb Offline
Member

Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 43
when you say one month for every year - does that refer to when spouse is having affair or length of mlc?

my h moved in with affair one month ago, i believe it is mlc, and we have been married for 16 yrs + .... so what does my timeline look like?

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#2230568 - 03/14/12 03:14 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: 8anb]
kolja Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/11
Posts: 335
Loc: WA
I think there's definitely an "actual mileage may vary" caveat to the one month for every year theory. I think there's probably also a minumum length of marriage for it to be valid.

My wife and I were married 18 months before she moved out, so we're coming up on the month and a half point and no change really in sight. I guess you could include our time together before marriage, it would be two and a half years, so 10 weeks. Maybe I can reassess it then. But I do have a couple 'real world' friends I've been confiding in who have suggested she may have to be 'all the way out' - ie, dissolution finalized and all that, before she can consider a reconciliation. I think there may be something to that in my case.
_________________________
Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12

Top
#2230607 - 03/14/12 05:06 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: JustStunned]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: JustStunned
Will she? Will she acknowledge it? Will she express it? If the one month for every year guideline holds I too have about a year left. So how to spend it? Holding on waiting for a sign will not do! For me waiting like this will breed resentment.

I will live my life enjoyably. I will meet my obligations. I will be true to myself. I will remember my core values and comport myself within their bounds. If at some point in the future we should come together again I will be doing so from a position of serenity and strength.


Hope so! I'm with you!

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#2230610 - 03/14/12 05:09 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: rickb89]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10595
The timeline is arbitrary and is actually one month of actually working together on the M for one year of M. As long as the spouse is gone or doesn't want to work on the M, the timeline is moot.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2230690 - 03/14/12 10:29 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: MrBond]
JustStunned Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/11
Posts: 1225
Loc: Ohio
Sometimes I am not as articulate as I would like. The guideline has been bantered around and thank you for adding clarity. I did not intend to post simply waiting for an unknown possibility was an option. What I was attempting to post was for there to be any probability of success in a future R we need to grow and be comfortable within ourselves as individuals.

I apologize for any distress or misinformation I may have created.
_________________________
BITS
Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55
D 30
S 27

You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill

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#2230692 - 03/14/12 10:34 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: MrBond]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: MrBond
The timeline is arbitrary and is actually one month of actually working together on the M for one year of M. As long as the spouse is gone or doesn't want to work on the M, the timeline is moot.


Oh, then I guess all is really lost then....

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#2230816 - 03/15/12 10:05 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: rickb89]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Thanks for visiting, everyone.

It seems the subject matter of that little detour was apropos to my sitch.

Today marks 1 year since the bomb drop. He moved out, at my insistence, 2 days later.

There has been no relationship talk, really no talk of anything since April. We've emailed because we had kid stuff, financial stuff, tax stuff. He's very cordial but then he's a "nice guy." He's always avoided conflict.

But that's him. It is not for me to judge him or to fix him, something I'm finally learning.

This year has been one of constant growth. After the first couple of months of doing all the wrong things and being consumed in my grief I started searching. I continued seeing my IC, began attending Alanon and CoDa, got in touch with my higher power, took a class on boundaries, learned to meditate, started yoga, road my bike and read and read and read.

About 7 months in I found this place and started posting in Nov. Reading and writing here has been important for me as it gives me a different perspective and forces me to really think about those things that raise my hackles.

It's the responses that cause the WTH reaction, that need to have attention paid.

So that's one thing I've learned in the past year.

What other things would the wiser LaBug have shared with the devastated LaBug of 12 months ago:

  • Grief-it's a part of the process let it happen but don't let it take over your life. Get someone to help you through it if need be.
  • Don't blame yourself for everything. You are not that powerful.
  • Really think about the complaints your spouse has made. You know those you need to work on. They're usually those that make you really angry or cause you to come back with the "yes, but..." responses.
  • Accetance-when your spouse says they're done and there is no working on it believe that and move forward. Not accepting their decision/choice is a form of control. All the words and energy expended on decrying their choice and exclaiming how crazy or blind they are only keeps you stuck and controlled by the situation.
  • Anger-lose it, the quicker the better. Think about why you're angry. Is it fear. What are you afraid of? Alanon has a great acronym False Evidence Appearing Real
  • Resentment-same, lose it. Look at its role in getting you here. Has resentment EVER been helpful to you?
  • the Stockdale Paradox
  • Take it easy, one day at a time.


I'm a more complete person after this year and have more honest relationships. I'm learning to set boundaries. I'm addressing my issues with control and fixing others. I now have a better idea of who I am.

This year has been a gift, even if a sometimes painful one. Would I have chosen to have the gift in the form I received it?
No. But as I've often heard, bloom where you are planted.

So, what will I do today. I was supposed to have jury duty but it was rescheduled. Bummer. But I will do some yoga, ride my bike, go to an Alanon meeting and see what the rest of the day has in store.

And I say honestly with no remorse, I will miss him and a few tears will be shed today.

But I'm OK and so much better than I was 1 year ago today.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2230818 - 03/15/12 10:09 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
You sound so strong today labug. You really have come a long way. Thinking of you today (((labug)))
_________________________
-Autumn


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#2230819 - 03/15/12 10:11 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Autumn Leaves]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Thanks, Autumn. I'm so sorry for what you're facing but you also sound strong in your last post.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2230822 - 03/15/12 10:14 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
Thank you!! I have such a wonderful loving support system in place, both here on DB and in my RL (my parents). I am finally allowing others to support me and not pretending everything is ok.
_________________________
-Autumn


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#2230831 - 03/15/12 10:37 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Autumn Leaves]
Broken74 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/12
Posts: 288
Thank you for your post labug, that one really rang true with me today. You have came so far and I know everyone is proud of you. Although not the one year mark for me it's a trigger day here as well so I'll be shedding some tears with you. Hopefully it's as beautiful day where you are as it is in N.C. today, enjoy the day! :-)
_________________________
me 38
W 30
T 3
M in 05/2010
Separated 08/2011
Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8
I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5
Anxiously waiting on the judge!

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#2230832 - 03/15/12 10:43 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Broken74]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
The perfectionist, controller is freaking that I used the wrong spelling of rode.

wow, better now.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2230833 - 03/15/12 10:43 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Thanks, broken.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2230887 - 03/15/12 12:46 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
keep_going Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/11
Posts: 834
labug - I am so happy for you. You should be proud of yourself (I am sure you are).

Your post is the very essence of what true DBing is and the results it may bring.

Even though I have not grown as much personally as you, I can see the possibilities thru you, so thank you for being a source of inspiration for me. smile
_________________________
Me & H: 43
D6
D5
S2.5
Together: 21 years, M: 16 years
EA: 11/13/10
ILYBNILWY & Separation - 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12




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#2230889 - 03/15/12 12:55 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: keep_going]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2515
Loc: Piney Land
(((Bugsy))) that is one awesome post. Great that you can see the changes that you have made. Painful but worth it. I don't know if you know but you are super bright.
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2230900 - 03/15/12 01:45 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Rick1963]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1073
Loc: Hawaii
Thanks LaBug!

I wrote the part you wrote about acceptance on a card to tuck into my wallet.

And don't forget my theme song: Keep on Smilin'

Well, you say you've got the blues
You've got holes in both your shoes yeah
You're feeling alone and confused
You got to keep on smilin'
Just keep on smilin'


Yeah you're 'bout to go insane
'Cause your woman's playin' games
And she says that you're to blame
Just keep on smilin'


Keep on smilin' thru the rain
Laughin' at the pain
Just flowin' with the changes
Till the sun comes out again


I only put in enough to get you singing!

You are doing great!

Wendy
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

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#2230923 - 03/15/12 02:27 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: kolja]
mimivac Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Washington DC
Whoops, posted on your last thread by accident:

Originally Posted By: mimivac
Originally Posted By: labug
I did have one weird moment. There were a lot of people there, lots of young families and couples and I thought "Wonder who of these is going to have the bomb dropped on them this week?"

I quickly dropped that junk mail in the trash and moved on.


You know it's funny you say that. Once you go through something you tend to wonder about/notice whether other people are going through it, too. When I was first diagnosed, I would be at the metro, look at all the people and think, "I wonder how many of these people have had cancer? I wonder how many will?" It's distressing, but also makes you feel less alone to think that others have experienced the same things. Kind of like this board! smile

Mimi
_________________________
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12

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#2230931 - 03/15/12 02:46 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: mimivac]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/12
Posts: 871
(((La Bug))) There aren't enough words to tell you how strong I think you are. You've been working to change yourself (and save your M) for a year. Not many people (outside of us here) can say they have the patience or the tenacity that takes.

So today, I'm saluting you. Thank you for your advice, and for just being here!
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

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#2231003 - 03/15/12 08:50 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: RoRoinMD]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Thanks all for the kinds thoughts.

it was a melancholy kind of day but I just keep going forward, trying not to get mired in the muck of a broken relationship.

Going to pick up S22 at school tomorrow for spring break.

We're going skydiving in a wind tunnel on Monday. Should be fun.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2231004 - 03/15/12 08:54 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
ces67 Offline
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Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1021
^^^^Sweet GAL! Have fun!
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2231011 - 03/15/12 09:15 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: ces67]
barely floating Online
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 754
Bugs.. you are truly a light when times are dark. (watch LOTR!!!)

love your wittiness.. your laughter.. just your plain 'ol awesomeness!

girl crushing on you.. just a little bit. smile
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2231041 - 03/15/12 10:57 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Originally Posted By: labug

bloom where you are planted.



Incredible Post Bug!!! & Love this ^^^. I think its safe to say you have reached "vet" status on here. Your wisdom is needed and greatly appreciated.

Best to You!!
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2231042 - 03/15/12 10:59 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: sayitaintso]
sayitaintso Offline
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Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Not sure if you were aspiring to be considered a "vet" but tuff ish cuz u r!
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2231068 - 03/16/12 12:35 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: sayitaintso]
keep_going Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/11
Posts: 834
Labug - Great fun ahead of you! I am happy that you will be spending time with your S. No need to wish you a good time, cause knowing you,

You will make it happen!

PS - Can't wait to hear about the skydiving thing. I'd love to do it myself, except that I am afraid of heights, so this might be the answer for me! smile
_________________________
Me & H: 43
D6
D5
S2.5
Together: 21 years, M: 16 years
EA: 11/13/10
ILYBNILWY & Separation - 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12




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#2231321 - 03/16/12 09:36 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
thanks for this post labug - like for everyone else , it helps me immensely.

i can't help feeling struck by your description of how things went for you over the first seven months - mine is so similar including finding this board around the 6th month - so hopefully i will be where you are - strong and wise in another few months

you encourage me alot - thankyou

zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2231331 - 03/16/12 10:04 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: zig]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Picked up The Tall Boy (S22) at ASU today and now I have both my boys IN THE HOUSE. smile I'm a happy Momma!

It's so good to hear their voices, chatting away.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2231335 - 03/16/12 10:06 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
barely floating Online
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 754
have a good weekend bugsy!
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2231357 - 03/16/12 11:42 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: barely floating]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Bugsy - just read your post about the 1 yr mark. You're a beautiful woman and have helped so many people whilst on your own journey. You're something else.

Your post should go into the DB Hall of Fame

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#2231366 - 03/17/12 12:16 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: rickb89]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Reality check:

I'm sitting here listening to the sons talking-catching up on games. We stopped and got pizza for dinner and then they carried S22s stuff in from the car and have been making plans for the week. As I said, I'm content to have all my chicks home for awhile. I'm happy that they are moving off into their own lives but it's nice to have them around, too.

H on the other hand is alone in his tiny space and as S told me, "bored to death" as he hasn't been able to work since the wrist surgery. He can't drive much, so is pretty much stuck. S19 is currently mad at him about something so he hasn't been visiting or calling/texting him.

As I said to S22: "I have to believe he's happy with his choice and this is the life he wants to live."
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2231367 - 03/17/12 12:16 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
labug Offline
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Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Thanks, bf and Rick!
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2231400 - 03/17/12 05:03 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
keep_going Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/11
Posts: 834
Originally Posted By: labug
As I said to S22: "I have to believe he's happy with his choice and this is the life he wants to live."


Labug - A reality check for your H, indeed...

And what a contrast - His sitch sounds so sad to me, while I can hear the sense of peace and contentment in your words. So glad you have all your chicks home. :-)
_________________________
Me & H: 43
D6
D5
S2.5
Together: 21 years, M: 16 years
EA: 11/13/10
ILYBNILWY & Separation - 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12




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#2231406 - 03/17/12 08:25 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: keep_going]
labug Offline
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Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
He is very good at keeping his feelings inside, thus we find ourselves in our current sitch.

When he chooses his hill to die on, there's no little room for retreat.

And I really would like him to be happy.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2231410 - 03/17/12 10:25 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
purgatory Offline
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Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
So nice to have both boys home smile I'm sure they enjoy being together too- it's god for S19 to have another guy to hang out with besides his dad- who has been leaning on him heavily for support.

Your H sounds like he's pouting in his place. And since he's upset S19, he no longer had a babysitter to take care of him... Aww, so sad.
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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#2231414 - 03/17/12 11:07 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: purgatory]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
You think your H`s miserable existence might be a catalyst for change?

You OTOH sound so at peace....yeah!

(((bugsy malone)))

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#2231424 - 03/17/12 12:19 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: rickb89]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1021
Enjoy you sons labug! And rock on with your bad-self in the inner-zen, self-enlightend, makin' us smile life you are living!

(((LB)))
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2231447 - 03/17/12 03:41 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: ces67]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
Enjoy your sons labug!! I'm glad you are in a good place ((labug))
_________________________
-Autumn


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#2231562 - 03/18/12 11:11 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Autumn Leaves]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Thanks, everyone!

I am having a great time and do feel pretty much at peace with my life.

What a difference a year makes. And you all have helped me get here.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2231581 - 03/18/12 02:27 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Bugsy - glad the last year has helped you grow. Glad to know you through all of this!

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#2231582 - 03/18/12 02:54 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
What a difference a year makes. And you all have helped me get here.

You are the Shyt - Happy to hear this! smile
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

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#2231651 - 03/18/12 09:55 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1073
Loc: Hawaii
I can't believe how quickly the time passes. Seems like just the other day this was all new. Now it is old. I'm always glad to hear from you Labug!

Hope you are having a great weekend!
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

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#2231889 - 03/19/12 07:16 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: WenikiTiki]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
hey labug -

it's grey and rainy here - but beautiful and i've got ravi shankar jamming on pandora and it suits my mood - mellow, quiet, just okay with being alone, - haven't felt those things in a long time:)

hope you're feeling better? and focusing on enjoying your sons being with you

my yoga teacher told me that whenever a painful thought comes up - open a window in your mind and let it gently waft through and then gently close the window.

i've been doing that whenever i remember to and it really helps.

my motto for the day - use anything and everything that helps, even if it helps only for 2 minutes (grin)
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2231910 - 03/19/12 08:37 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: zig]
keep_going Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/11
Posts: 834
Originally Posted By: zig

my yoga teacher told me that whenever a painful thought comes up - open a window in your mind and let it gently waft through and then gently close the window.


This is nice... thank you for sharing it. smile
_________________________
Me & H: 43
D6
D5
S2.5
Together: 21 years, M: 16 years
EA: 11/13/10
ILYBNILWY & Separation - 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12




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#2231933 - 03/19/12 10:17 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: zig]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: zig
hey labug -

it's grey and rainy here - but beautiful and i've got ravi shankar jamming on pandora and it suits my mood - mellow, quiet, just okay with being alone, - haven't felt those things in a long time:)

hope you're feeling better? and focusing on enjoying your sons being with you

my yoga teacher told me that whenever a painful thought comes up - open a window in your mind and let it gently waft through and then gently close the window.

i've been doing that whenever i remember to and it really helps.

my motto for the day - use anything and everything that helps, even if it helps only for 2 minutes (grin)


Zig - totally into Ravi here too! Love your yoga teacher's advice!

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#2231965 - 03/20/12 12:36 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: keep_going]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
sure - hope it helps:)
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2231966 - 03/20/12 12:39 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: rickb89]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
rick - i could never listen to the sitar all these years - couldn't stand it and i'm from india to boot. and now, i "discovered" his music and play it while i do my yoga - it's wonderful stuff and so uplifting

tonight i heard a piece that he played with Yehudi Menuhin - there's a whole album, my heart just about melted completely, it was so beautiful and peaceful..
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2232021 - 03/20/12 09:15 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: zig]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I was in an appt with S19 yesterday and the doc was telling S about mindfulness:

"Just picture a river and your thought as a log flowing past in the river, you see it as it passes and then it's gone"

I need to keep reminding myself of that.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2232022 - 03/20/12 09:21 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
nhmom Offline
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Registered: 12/20/11
Posts: 345
Great advice! ^^^^^
_________________________
Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11



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#2232026 - 03/20/12 09:32 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: nhmom]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Like ^^^
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2233328 - 03/26/12 09:08 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: sayitaintso]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead!

In other news...

Lots of work last week, which is good.

On Sat hosted a small b-day party for a friend at my home. It was fun but a little melancholy as this is the first time I've entertained since H left. We were always a team and then enjoyed rehashing as we cleaned up.

But it was still fun and life is different now.

Met a very dear friend for coffee Sunday morning. She moved to a different town and I haven't seen her since last fall. It was so good to catch-up. We have the type friendship in which we can start the conversation after a length of time has passed as if there was only a pause between sentences. We laughed so much!

I passed my copies of 5 Love Languages, Passionate Marriage, and How to Fix You Marriage Without Talking About It on to her. Might be helpful in keeping her M intact. (I didn't foist them on her, we had talked about it beforehand)

Sun evening I joined some other friends for dinner and the season opener of Mad Men. That was fun!

A good GAL weekend! Now I just need to plan some bigger adventures for the future, especially this summer as it heats up here in the desert. Must escape to cooler climes.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2233384 - 03/26/12 12:53 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: zig]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: zig
rick - i could never listen to the sitar all these years - couldn't stand it and i'm from india to boot. and now, i "discovered" his music and play it while i do my yoga - it's wonderful stuff and so uplifting

tonight i heard a piece that he played with Yehudi Menuhin - there's a whole album, my heart just about melted completely, it was so beautiful and peaceful..


Zig - i got into Ravi through George Harrison. I have always loved the eastern western musical combo. Within You Without You for instance!

Indian sitar music has alwsy stirred my sould to its deepest place!

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#2233457 - 03/26/12 05:37 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: rickb89]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Advice please? And isn't it interesting to be able to look at other sitches and provide input, but with our own the knees go weak and the backbone wobbles.

Part 1)H has a lot of stuff (tools, golf clubs, tools, canoe, tools) stored in the garage. In the initial stages of this saga, he had come up a few times and got things from the garage. After that I asked him to respect my space and not come up and take things from the garage without arranging it with me. He agreed. This had been fine-he hasn't asked and hasn't retrieved anything.

This week he asked the sons to bring him something from the garage. It's small piddly thing that has no value for me but I feel disrespected that he didn't just send an email and let me know. I wouldn't ask them to bring dishes, or sheets or towels (that belong to both of us) from his place.

Part 2)I asked him in Jan if he had a plan for what to do with this garage stuff along with some other questions about other issues. He answered the other ? but there was no mention of the "stuff."

My draft: H, I'd like to stick with our agreement about getting things from the garage. An email will do, just to let me know what is being removed.

Also, I had asked a couple of months ago if you had a plan about what to do with your tools, etc. Let me know if you would like to set up a time to get those.

Am I being petty? Am I wanting to contact because I'm missing the contact? Am I just pissed? Does the text sound controlling, resentful, angry?

Thanks, all.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2233462 - 03/26/12 05:46 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
Maybe put that in your email? Let him know that there is no malice in your request. I'd keep the canoe though..
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

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#2233464 - 03/26/12 05:51 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky
I'd keep the canoe though..


Y'know, I might. I love canoeing and we always had such a great time being out on the water.

He'll just sell it, would be my guess.

Thanks for the input.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2233468 - 03/26/12 06:02 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1021
I think its appropriate to remind him of the agreement. maybe also mention that the item was not a concern but it did remind you of your request in January.

Maybe say you'd like to get the garage organized/cleared out and to do so you'll need to know what he wants and when he can take it.

I'd go for the canoe as well!
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2233469 - 03/26/12 06:04 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1021
Originally Posted By: labug
Advice please? And isn't it interesting to be able to look at other sitches and provide input, but with our own the knees go weak and the backbone wobbles.


And I completely get this. Happens to me way too much. We're too close to our own sitch's and probably see way too many ramifications of our choices.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2233470 - 03/26/12 06:04 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2515
Loc: Piney Land
La you are having a Rick moment. Do you need the space in the garage? Did your H asking your son to bring him something without u knowing triggered something? I know that feeling very well. Maybe u should put that email away for a few see how feel later. Mnky is right the canoe may come in handy in Vegas.
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2233474 - 03/26/12 06:09 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
i'll use that too - good analogy:)
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2233476 - 03/26/12 06:12 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: ces67]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
This is the same issue in SAIS's thread!

I'm in on keeping the canoe!

I guess it all boils down to your true reason for needing this stuff to be dealt with. This is exaclty what you ask us when we're in the same dilemma!

If you have accepted your H's sitch as his sitch and can legitimately reach a state of mind of moving forward with your life then by all means ask him to comply wth the agreement or whatever you want done about it. If however there is some level of pursuit involved then think before you act. And as you well know its so hard to not have some level of pursuit or own agenda in the mix!

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#2233478 - 03/26/12 06:13 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: rickb89]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Seems like everybody agrees the canoe is the inportant thing here

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#2233482 - 03/26/12 06:17 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: rickb89]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
OK, the canoe stays.

Thanks everyone, keep it coming.

Rick and Rick, I love when you turn my questions back on me. That's really what I need to do.

And I probably will sleep on it.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2233485 - 03/26/12 06:20 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: ces67]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
Originally Posted By: ces67
Originally Posted By: labug
Advice please? And isn't it interesting to be able to look at other sitches and provide input, but with our own the knees go weak and the backbone wobbles.


And I completely get this. Happens to me way too much. We're too close to our own sitch's and probably see way too many ramifications of our choices.


yes - so where are the "757 rules" on how to deal with those. i find myself agonizing over little things like that i driving myself crazy trying to figure out how to approach whatever it is at the moment.

just like you, labug, all his 'stuff" is still there. asking him to take it feels like pushing him out the door. letting it stay there, keeps reminding me he's gone. asking him to take it, means finally 'splitting" our stuff - which he has indicated repeatedly that he isn't ready to do

wht did you decide to do finally - ricks advice to wait on it - i have to admit seems the best - i've started to realize it takes a while to work through the emotional reaction, and only when i allow that to pass i gain some clarity and suddenly the answer or strategy pops into my head

i'm trying to remember to do that ALL the time - makes me realize how much, in the past my actions were actually reactions bouncing off my emotions - never knew how to function from another level, but am learning now
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2233486 - 03/26/12 06:25 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: zig]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Quote:
makes me realize how much, in the past my actions were actually reactions bouncing off my emotions - never knew how to function from another level, but am learning now


Yes!

I tend to fall into the tit-for-tat mentality, I hurt so you (whoever hurt me) must hurt.

Yes, I will get a good night of rest, after a bit of tonglen and see how it feels tomorrow.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2233509 - 03/26/12 08:04 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Labug, if knowing all his stuff is in there is somehow preventing you from finding peace, then by all means ask him to remove it (except for the canoe -- I'd sell that and buy a kayak, but that's just me).

I can tell you if W moved out and left her clothes in the closets and drawers, that would eventually bother me and I'd want them gone -- I don't need that reminder around you know?

If you can get in touch with your real feelings on the matter and what it comes down to is that having his "stuff" there bothers you, then tell him to clear it out by [the end of April] at his convenience, just let you know when he's coming.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2233512 - 03/26/12 08:22 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Accuray]
barely floating Online
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 754
la.. looks like you have had a lot of answers to your question. like you, i tend to act on emotion which often bites me in the butt. giving it a bit of time usually brings clarity and what seemed like such a huge issue becomes a non-issue.

i think you know what to do. but it's nice to have the sounding board isn't it?

btw.. i'm with keeping the canoe! we can ride the canal at the venetian in vegas. save a couple of bucks.
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2233525 - 03/26/12 09:09 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Originally Posted By: labug
Advice please? And isn't it interesting to be able to look at other sitches and provide input, but with our own the knees go weak and the backbone wobbles.

Part 1)H has a lot of stuff (tools, golf clubs, tools, canoe, tools) stored in the garage. In the initial stages of this saga, he had come up a few times and got things from the garage. After that I asked him to respect my space and not come up and take things from the garage without arranging it with me. He agreed. This had been fine-he hasn't asked and hasn't retrieved anything.

This week he asked the sons to bring him something from the garage. It's small piddly thing that has no value for me but I feel disrespected that he didn't just send an email and let me know. I wouldn't ask them to bring dishes, or sheets or towels (that belong to both of us) from his place.

Part 2)I asked him in Jan if he had a plan for what to do with this garage stuff along with some other questions about other issues. He answered the other ? but there was no mention of the "stuff."

My draft: H, I'd like to stick with our agreement about getting things from the garage. An email will do, just to let me know what is being removed.

Also, I had asked a couple of months ago if you had a plan about what to do with your tools, etc. Let me know if you would like to set up a time to get those.

Am I being petty? Am I wanting to contact because I'm missing the contact? Am I just pissed? Does the text sound controlling, resentful, angry?

Thanks, all.


Maybe just a little petty. But why are you asking questions in this way?

My view is if you want the tools gone, then make arrangements to have your husband remove them within a certain amount of time or you will dispose of them. That will solve your problem.

OTOH maybe you like having the tools around so as to keep some kind of connection to your H. If that is the case then you have to think this through and decide what is more important, your control of things and events or getting rid of the tools.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2233527 - 03/26/12 09:13 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: 2thepoint]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
You guys are so good. Yes, it is a connection. And really the tools don't bother me where they are. What bothered me was we had agreed on a boundary, he would let me know when he took something, and he crossed it.

The more I discuss this the more I think I'm being petty and wanting to contact him.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2233532 - 03/26/12 09:26 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
nhmom Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/11
Posts: 345
I say if this is the first time he's used your S's to get something, and it really is something small...then just let is slide. If he keeps it up, then have a conversation to remind him of the agreement.

I can see how you'd want to use this as an excuse to reach out to him. Although I don't think it would end up on a positive note, do you? If you want to reach out to him for something, maybe it should be for something more positive...not something that will leave him acting defensively.

I, too, agree about keeping the canoe!
_________________________
Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11



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#2233537 - 03/26/12 09:32 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: nhmom]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
If it's the petty side of things, technically you asked him to arrange with you if he was going to come to the house to take things (versus arranging with you if things were going to be removed).

I would imagine he interpreted that to mean that you didn't want him showing up unannounced versus caring that tools were missing, so he probably feels that by asking your son to grab something for him he was actually respecting your boundary.

If he feels it was "his" stuff that your son was retrieving, and he didn't actually come himself to get it, then "no harm no foul" right?

I can see his side of it, he needed the tool and this felt like a respectful way to get it without crossing your line.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2233547 - 03/26/12 10:02 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Accuray]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2758
Loc: VA
That's what I thought too - it was probably a minor thing to him and he was trying not to bug you. (oops that was a pun!)

I think all of our situations create bureaucracy that borders on pettiness - setting up appointments, drawing boundaries, etc, with someone who used to share our home, bed, and toothbrush (maybe for some of us).

What was the intent of the original boundary? To keep him from showing up at odd times taking this and that? In that case it doesn't seem like he broke the intent of the boundary with this one request via your son. Was the intent of the boundary to prevent loss of property without your being aware of it? (If you have sons around I can't imagine you're not used to property moving around and going missing...)

I believe in having boundaries to protect yourself as needed, but more so in being flexible and giving the benefit of the doubt.

I think you feel sensitive about seeming petty, and that's your goodwill fighting against your rule-enforcer. Unless he's really abusing your goodwill, I'd let the rule-enforcer relax.\

My 2 cents.

Also, I'm a canoe fan.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2233550 - 03/26/12 10:06 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Accuray]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
I understand wanting to keep his stuff around as a token reminder of him (I have a house, closet, drawers and garage) full of H's things... And I have no desire to remove them.

IMO: Your issue is more with the fact that he's using your sons as a loophole to your boundary agreement, and that's disrespectful. I'm with nhmom, let this one slide, but of it happens again- you have every right to calmly remind him of your previous agreement and that you don't appreciate him putting your kids in the middle of a situation that is between you and him. (I think part of your irritation is the mama bear coming out to protect your kids from something that shouldn't be their drama to solve.)
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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#2233552 - 03/26/12 10:23 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: purgatory]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1753
I struggle with the same dilemma. I feel like I am still holding on to him by holding onto his stuff. Let him take it. We cant hold on to them. They will come back on their own.
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2233588 - 03/27/12 01:19 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: adinva]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
Originally Posted By: adinva

I think you feel sensitive about seeming petty, and that's your goodwill fighting against your rule-enforcer..


i really like the way you put that - when i stop myself to inspect why i am all worked up - i find it's because i am being petty about something
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2233590 - 03/27/12 01:20 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: BklynMom]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
exactly, me too. you're right - let them take it...
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2233756 - 03/27/12 05:28 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: zig]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Zig - where did you come from? All of a sudden I see you writing these amazing posts all over the place. I think I need to read yours!

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#2233781 - 03/27/12 07:01 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: rickb89]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Thanks everyone for your insight and helping me dig deeper. The stuff in the garage is a dead issue for now.

I posted a bit on ces's thread about why I've continued on my path of being married but not in a marriage. I've been separated for over a year with very minimal contact with H and most people ask, "WHY?"

The bomb was the catalyst for me to wake up and save my life. No, I wasn't suicidal but I was dying a slow and unhappy death. I was simply going through the motions of living life, too afraid of losing "control" to love, to have fun, to enjoy the beautiful things this life has to offer.

Today I started re-reading When Things Fall Apart(Chodron) and am so happy I picked it up again. I first read it in the month or 2 after the bomb and it was difficult for me because I wasn't ready to face impermanence or contemplate letting go.

I opened the book to a random page and read this: "Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us."

I read that over and over, even highlighted it.

In the course of this year I have had to face my fear, my anger, my guilt, my shame, again and again. I've learned to accept those feelings as a part of me, but they are not me. Feel it, accept it, move on.

Pain happens, it's a part of life but the more I hide from pain the more I miss the good things life has to offer. I controlled in order to keep pain and hurt at bay. By putting up a wall around the vulnerable part of me, I also walled out joy, happiness, love...

From the book: "...things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2233786 - 03/27/12 07:18 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2515
Loc: Piney Land
I like Bugsy^^^. but you are getting too smart and will soon need to translate for me.
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2233876 - 03/28/12 07:12 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Rick1963]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Bugsy...that was beautiful...and all of us can learn from this deep insight. I'm proud to know you and be your friend. You're an amazing woman!

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#2233895 - 03/28/12 08:37 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
Originally Posted By: labug

Pain happens, it's a part of life but the more I hide from pain the more I miss the good things life has to offer. I controlled in order to keep pain and hurt at bay. By putting up a wall around the vulnerable part of me, I also walled out joy, happiness, love...



So very true labug!! This is wonderful. I am really glad you picked up the book again and got so much out of it this time. You have come so far in this year (((labug)))
_________________________
-Autumn


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#2233896 - 03/28/12 08:40 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Autumn Leaves]
nhmom Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/11
Posts: 345
((labug))

I have the book on my kindle, but haven't finished reading it yet. Thanks for reminding me to pick it up again. It is very enlightening.
_________________________
Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11



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#2234108 - 03/29/12 01:17 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: rickb89]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
rick - do you mean where do i literally come from, as in which place - or where did what i write come from?

i am going to take the very brave step of assuming first that your question is a compliment? thank you - with a big grin and a bow

(one of the hardest things all my life was accepting a compliment, and now i'm not sure when it is one but i'm doing a 180 for myself and while laughing at myself abit accepting yours)

thank you:)

just like labug - i read pema chodron - repeatedly , and listen to her tapes. even though i know i have some memory issues, i swear every time i reread her books, its like i'm reading it for the first time on a completely different level

also, even though i don't post a lot, i read a lot of threads, and rick, i have never been so inspired in my life to be a better person until i read what all the brave wonderful people here write.

it's not just a roller coaster anymore - its a rolling stone - where each insight leads to the next and the next - and every time i get on here, something hits me when i read it - always always find something that helps me tremendously at just the right time that i need it.

so this place and the people here are teaching me to trust, and to be patient and to love and to be okay with myself

zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2234109 - 03/29/12 01:33 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
I wasn't suicidal but I was dying a slow and unhappy death. I was simply going through the motions of living life, too afraid of losing "control" to love, to have fun, to enjoy the beautiful things this life has to offer.

are you, like, my twin or something?


Pain happens, it's a part of life but the more I hide from pain the more I miss the good things life has to offer. I controlled in order to keep pain and hurt at bay. By putting up a wall around the vulnerable part of me, I also walled out joy, happiness, love...


something i've been thinking about recently - that h is mirroring now what i was until i woke up. your words above fit me so well until the bomb, and now they fit h so well....

i'm glad you picked that book up again. i am rereading 'The wisdom of no escape" again after several months and the chapter on renunciation really is relevant now. it's like you said - only ready to absorb it when you're ready to do it

i'm sure in a few months when i read it agin, it will be from a very different place.

learning to trust the path and not the goal - i'm just starting to realize is the point and what i should aim for, and in doing that the goal becomes irrelevant.

one thing to know it and write it down, quite another to practice it from second to second.

i love that you quoted here, and shared with all of us. each moment that i am functioning from a compassionate place, is one more moment that i am my higher self
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2234146 - 03/29/12 09:31 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: zig]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Thanks, zig, I would love to be your sister!
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

Top
#2234152 - 03/29/12 09:52 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Originally Posted By: labug
Thanks everyone for your insight and helping me dig deeper. The stuff in the garage is a dead issue for now.

I posted a bit on ces's thread about why I've continued on my path of being married but not in a marriage. I've been separated for over a year with very minimal contact with H and most people ask, "WHY?"

The bomb was the catalyst for me to wake up and save my life. No, I wasn't suicidal but I was dying a slow and unhappy death. I was simply going through the motions of living life, too afraid of losing "control" to love, to have fun, to enjoy the beautiful things this life has to offer.

Today I started re-reading When Things Fall Apart(Chodron) and am so happy I picked it up again. I first read it in the month or 2 after the bomb and it was difficult for me because I wasn't ready to face impermanence or contemplate letting go.

I opened the book to a random page and read this: "Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us."

I read that over and over, even highlighted it.

In the course of this year I have had to face my fear, my anger, my guilt, my shame, again and again. I've learned to accept those feelings as a part of me, but they are not me. Feel it, accept it, move on.

Pain happens, it's a part of life but the more I hide from pain the more I miss the good things life has to offer. I controlled in order to keep pain and hurt at bay. By putting up a wall around the vulnerable part of me, I also walled out joy, happiness, love...

From the book: "...things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."


Amazing Post Bug, really resonates w/ me!!!!

Regarding your h's things, this is what you told me when I was dealing with a similar situation.

Bug- Why not just say: "Pick a day and come over and get some things"?

I know the circumstance is different and you have already moved beyond this issue but it goes to the point you made that we are befuddled by every little thought, sign, and action of our own sitch (at least I have been) yet we are able to see things much clearer when other people are going through similar things.

You are AWESOME!!
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2234160 - 03/29/12 10:18 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: sayitaintso]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Regarding your h's things, this is what you told me when I was dealing with a similar situation.

SIAS, yes, the similarity was not lost on me! wink

Many times I respond to issues with other threads because I am working out the same things.

Thanks for the kind words and thoughts.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2234300 - 03/29/12 09:40 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2758
Loc: VA
Hi labug - I hope you had a fun and peaceful day today!
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2234393 - 03/30/12 11:12 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: adinva]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Zig - glad that you can accept compliments, which it is BTW.

Bugsy - I have to check out this author - Chodon. I keep rereading your post up above..it's one of the great ones - so helpful.

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#2234402 - 03/30/12 11:39 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
I wasn't suicidal but I was dying a slow and unhappy death. I was simply going through the motions of living life, too afraid of losing "control" to love, to have fun, to enjoy the beautiful things this life has to offer.


I can recall with tremendous frustration trying to convey this to my W. Despite my repeated attempts, I could not find the words and it just kept getting worse and it destroyed me. I was very close to the "end." I've seen so many parallels with the two of us Bug. I'm so happy you have recognized this behavior, because you have helped me in turn - thanks! wink
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

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#2234813 - 04/02/12 12:33 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
hey labug - thought i'd check in and see how you are doing.

hope all is well

zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2234815 - 04/02/12 12:56 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: zig]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Hi zig, thanks for checking. Worked a lot this weekend so not much new but will post something tomorrow.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2234838 - 04/02/12 08:07 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1021
Hey Bug, hope you have a good week! So does a busy work weekend mean you've got time off during the week?
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2234852 - 04/02/12 10:24 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: ces67]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
ces, yes, today is a day off but I'm going to do 4 hours at my second job. Then I'm off on Thurs. My schedule is different every week.

I'm confused and I warn you I'm tired. My lizard brain comes out to play when I'm tired and wreaks havoc on my psyche.

This is the 6th week of, by my choice, having no contact with H.

Back Story: Both Sons are on H's insurance (it's an HSA), it's always been that way. S22 uses benefits hardly ever. S19 has need to use it more as he has a chronic condition and he's been dealing with depression. He has a history of dep but it was exacerbated by the Sep last Feb and then S22 moving to go to school in Aug. So he's had a few extra visits for that reason. He's also on meds.

He was due for a Rx refill and needed the insurance card to pick it up. H has said for months that he would get S19 his own card but, it hasn't happened yet. So S19 called him yesterday and asked for the card and apparently H was unhappy that he had to drive here and drop the card off. The car S19 drives is currently out of commission, and I was at work.

H lives about 5 miles from the house! Come on, this is your kid! Apparently when he got here he almost literally "dropped" the card off. Did not get out and spend any time with S19, didn't offer to go hang out for a while. They've seen each other once in the past 4-5 weeks. I've suspected for a while that there's more discord between them because there haven't been as many visits as previously.

S19 was pretty down when I got home last night and I tried too hard to make it better. He wouldn't tell me exactly what the conversation was because he's very private about that R but he did say he was tired of taking other people's sh!t. He did say that he thought H didn't like to come here. I asked: "He knew I was at work, right?" "Yes."

So, put your big boy pants on H and help your son out! H is with them as he was with me: everything's OK, everything's OK, everything's OK, WHAM! It's NOT okay.

I'm trying not to read anything into all this because I don't know the whole story. All I know is I saw my kid in pain last night and that hurts but he's becoming an adult and he can and needs to deal with that. His relationship with his father is between the 2 of them.

Also, this hasn't bothered me as much as it would have a few months ago. I can't make H a different person or solve whatever his issue is, I can't fix the R between S and H.

Comments, observations, advice?
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2234854 - 04/02/12 10:28 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
My comment is "ouch, that sux!". Advice wise, not much, I think your outlook on it is the right one, that's H's problem and you can't own it.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2234856 - 04/02/12 10:43 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Accuray]
nhmom Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/11
Posts: 345
Sorry bugsy! You're right to be upset, and also right about leaving it up to S19 and H to figure out their R.

Kids should never have to fight for their parent's love.

Has S19 ever expressed to your H about how he feels? Sometimes the WAS needs to hear it from the kids to realize how much they're hurting them.

In my sitch, if I tell H what S4 sometimes says, H can get defensive and very immature, often voicing his feelings first. But I think it hits him when S4 says it directly to him. Like yesterday, we were all driving in the car, and out of the blue S4 says to H "Daddy, you don't love me anymore."

It's true that they have to work it out on their own, but I don't think it's wrong to suggest to S19 to express how he feels to his dad. What happens after that is up to them.
_________________________
Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11



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#2234858 - 04/02/12 10:50 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: nhmom]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Quote:
"Daddy, you don't love me anymore."

That breaks my heart!

NH, I did tell S that he should let H know how he feels. Thanks for suggesting that. Here's the interesting thing, they are very much alike and I only realized that after H left. S19 has a difficult time expressing his emotions, in fact he wants to deny them.

It's all so complicated. Good thing my IC appt is today.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2234859 - 04/02/12 10:51 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Thanks, Accuray. I have my course and they have theirs.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2234861 - 04/02/12 10:57 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
I'm sorry bug, that really sux for S19. Well for all involved really frown
_________________________
-Autumn


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#2234863 - 04/02/12 10:59 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2515
Loc: Piney Land
La hope today is a better day. His R with S19 is his responsibility. Eventually it will come back to bite him. You are doing it right
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2234882 - 04/02/12 01:04 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Rick1963]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Quote:
All I know is I saw my kid in pain last night and that hurts but he's becoming an adult and he can and needs to deal with that. His relationship with his father is between the 2 of them.


I think that this ^^^^ is the most healthy way to look at things. At some point your son needs to step into the role of an adult and try to work the relationship with your H. It is not something you can influence, one way or the other. You can maybe dispense wisdom if your S asks for it but in the end you are probably best served by staying above thew fray.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2234892 - 04/02/12 01:40 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: 2thepoint]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Thanks everyone for the support. It really does help.

2-yes, I need to let them come to terms with things and figure it out. They both stuff their feelings, especially anger. Hopefully they can each grow through this experience.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2234898 - 04/02/12 02:03 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Sorry Bug! I am starting to see that my s15 is becoming angrier w/ my w's lack of involvement and they both stuff their feelings as well.

I try to be their for him and ask him about things and he has 0 interest in talking about it at this time. Not much we can do about it.

Hope your IC goes/went well.
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2234954 - 04/02/12 07:03 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: sayitaintso]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1073
Loc: Hawaii
Hey Labug!

The part about the boys is the hardest thing. My H has very little interaction with our sons. I always wished he would be more interactive with them. But can't make someone be what they aren't.

And I guess for years I have just made all the plans and forced what interactions we do/did have.

Many times one or the other of our boys would try to talk to their dad in the evening, and he would get upset if they were disturbing him while a TV show was on he wanted to see.

This past few years I have taken to saying: We do have a DVR, You can hit pause. Which he does, but so grudgingly.

I hope all continues to go well for you. I'm way behind on my quilting, I'll be burning some midnight oil to get done in time for the quilt show!

Aloha,

Wendy
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

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#2234975 - 04/02/12 08:54 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: WenikiTiki]
barely floating Online
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 754
when it comes to the kids, it's so hard not to want to step in and say.. "hey! stop hurting my kids!". and then having to step back and say.. oh yes.. it's your kids too.

some of the stuff S says to me breaks my heart but i know if i say anything to H, it will come across as judgement. i've noticed lately that S voices things directly to H.. "why don't you live here anymore? i want you to live here with us!" and instead of just accepting and being quiet.. S is now visibly getting upset. i've noticed it's way more powerful coming from S then it ever could have coming from me.

it does seem like you know what you need to do. you're a very wise.. strong women. i truly admire you.

(((( ))))
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2234979 - 04/02/12 09:13 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
finding nemo Offline
Member

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 81
Labug,

I'm so sorry that your son is having such a hard time with his dad. I'm in a kinda similar sitch with my H and 3 kids. My youngest (D8) would light her hair on fire at this point if she thought it would get her father's attention. Of course, he doesn't recognize any of it.

In the last several years, as my H has been going through the early part of his MLC (I believe him to now be the poster child of MLC) he has stopped being a co-parent and has been dependent on me to nurture his relationships with our children. Well, that is the one thing that I have been really able to do since bomb drop - not be responsible for his relationships with our children. They are smart enough to see what's going on and who is here supporting them, and who is around only when it suits him.

Hang in there and know that your boys will pull through this, even if we don't like that they have to struggle at all.
_________________________
Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12

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#2234998 - 04/02/12 10:34 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: barely floating]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1021
Hey Bug, sory you have to see your son hurt like that. Definitely one of the hardest parts of being a parent.

Completely get letting them work their own R out. Doesn't mean support can't be given though. Validation of how son is hurt and taking an opportunity to offering guidance if it happens is ok too IMHO. But your S has to be open to it of course.

If he is like your H, then he may be acting in a way he feels he should by what he has seen. How can he see something more healthy so he can learn a better way?
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2235039 - 04/03/12 12:41 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: ces67]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
sorry to read about what happened with s19, labug.

what struck me right away in many of the responses as well as yours was that, it doesn't really matter what age the kids are, they all get affected as deeply. i'm dealing with exactly the same thing with s10 right now - and actually wishing that he wasn't like his dad and kept all his feelings in and just let h know how he was hurting. funny how all of us are describing the same traits in the WAS and the kids

i hope that as you talk to your son it encourages him to express himself. also thought i would mention a book i read at the beginning of my switch that really describes how to deal with this - the idea of letting the be responsible for their own relationship. it's called 'The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner and what you wrote is exactly what she talks about and how to get there - really let each member of the family be responsible for their relationship with each other person.

hope things are better for son and he's not too down still today

zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2235630 - 04/05/12 12:00 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: zig]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Genralissimo Francisco Franco is Still Dead And I'm OK with that.

I've gotten to a place where I can see myself separate from the marriage and separate from the complaints that caused H to leave. I am no longer the person he left. I realize and respect the changes in me, I'm a happier person, I have good friends, I have a great work place and enjoyable, rewarding work. I am creating my own life now. I have enough, I am enough.

H can either see that and decide to work on things, see it and decide not to work on things or choose not to see it at all.

All things I can do nothing about and I refuse to spend anymore of my life worrying about what he's doing, how he's feeling, or whether I dotted the i right in my last email to him.

I'm a good person with flaws. But I do think I'm becoming a woman only a fool would leave!

It has taken me a year to get here but his feeling is worth every painful minute of it.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2235631 - 04/05/12 12:02 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
as his ^^^ was posting I saw zig's tag line:

Quote:
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


a god thing...
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2235632 - 04/05/12 12:04 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
nhmom Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/11
Posts: 345
Bravo, bug! You've taken your happiness and life back into your own hands! Just keep re-reading this post when you're starting to feel down.
_________________________
Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11



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#2235640 - 04/05/12 12:28 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
YES! YES! YES!

i'm right behind you, getting to that place - flaws and all

see you there (grin)
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2235660 - 04/05/12 01:41 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
Originally Posted By: labug


I'm a good person with flaws. But I do think I'm becoming a woman only a fool would leave!

It has taken me a year to get here but his feeling is worth every painful minute of it.


^^^This is so great bug! Way to go!!
_________________________
-Autumn


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#2235755 - 04/05/12 08:09 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Autumn Leaves]
barely floating Online
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 754
you are indeed a good person. incredibly witty and funny too! smile
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2235767 - 04/05/12 09:23 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: barely floating]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Awwww shucks, bf blush
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2235776 - 04/05/12 09:45 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
barely floating Online
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 754
i wuv you.. you're a "superstar" =@@=
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2235807 - 04/05/12 10:37 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: barely floating]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Awesome Bug!!!
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2235831 - 04/05/12 11:42 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: sayitaintso]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
I want to be you in a year!

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#2235835 - 04/05/12 11:47 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: hopeless in wa]
finding nemo Offline
Member

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 81
Glad to hear about your positive changes!!
_________________________
Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12

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#2236372 - 04/08/12 06:11 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: finding nemo]
YankeeCandle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/26/12
Posts: 335
That's wonderful!! So happy for you smile

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#2236380 - 04/08/12 07:06 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: YankeeCandle]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/12
Posts: 96

Ok, I have my goal for a year from now:) Keep up the great work!
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

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#2236421 - 04/08/12 11:05 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: fightingforit]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
hi labug?
hope you had a good easter sunday

i sure did - and i went bowling for the first time in my life - great GAL for me

hope you're well
zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2236488 - 04/09/12 09:31 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: zig]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Yes it was a good Sunday! A beautiful day here in the desert, we've had a nice, long spring and I have enjoyed it.

Rode my bike, did some yoga and saw H who I haven't seen since Thanksgiving (maybe we will have a marriage in which we only see each other on holidays eek). He came to help S19 with his car and we got to have a nice long conversation, mostly about S19.

I'm feeling very free right now but will have to sit with this for a while to uncover my true feelings.

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2238552 - 04/17/12 11:05 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Journaling from Sunday:

I feel so bad tonight...Let's just say this has not been a stellar day in my history as a mother. I lost my temper with my son, kicked a chair out of my way and banged a wall with my hand. He can be such a hard case sometimes, no drive, no direction, no plan. I was just so frustrated.

I did apologize, not for my anger but for not managing it better. I had even left the house earlier for awhile to get away and cool off.

I feel like all the work I put into improving our relationship over the last year has gone down the drain because I had to act like a child.

Yes, I tantrumed. And I'm sad for both of us. All I can do now is dust myself off and carry on.

And listen when that little voice inside says STOP!
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2238569 - 04/17/12 11:32 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8518
Loc: Sonoran Desert
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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