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So we already have 1 rental property (her old condo) and I think in the current mortgage marketing getting a THIRD mortgage while we lease two homes in almost impossible. The best that I can tell her is that I am pretty sure that is not the house we are going to die in, so we won't be there forever. For the short term, next few years or so, there may me no real way out.

Regarding our friend, the best that I can do is hope that time will heal this wound if given a chance. But I must really dedicate to putting her first.

Regarding FIL - w suggested I send him a letter. Not sure how I feel about that considering how he had no faith/belief in the fact that the letter I wrote w was genuine....and that it was "all about me". Again, this is something she will have to handle.....as I will have to handle with my parents as well (though I started the process with them awhile ago and they HAVE made progress).

These ARE good problems to have. But is she really wants to go down the IVF path again, we can't really do it from two different homes. Well we COULD, but I would need a more solid commitment from her to the relationship.

Crimson

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Crimson...
ok-
big picture---GOOD...up close, some stuff to deal with.


Originally Posted By: mimivac
I think you can let all of these issues wait for now. There is not much you can do about your w's relationship with your mutual friend. Just validate her feelings and let her handle it unless she asks you do to something specific.

agree w/^^^ it can wait...& I would add that your friend was trying to help you by asking that question b/c to the friend, w's leaving to sleep "somewhere" on the floor made no sense unless there was OM. THEN she could wrap her brain around it...b/c like you - your friend had trouble understanding things at first.

She was being loyal TO YOU & trying to help and I'd bet I have asked the SAME thing...

Please don't punish her for her loyalty. I think in time your w willl come around if you validate and perhaps say that your flaws as a h were less apparent to the friend (but real for your w, etc) after all, her dad thought the world of you too, before all the stuff came out. Is it really so odd that YOUR friend would wonder about w's choice to leave, if all she saw in you as a h, were the same things your fil saw before his d told him her version?

and if your w cannot move past that, then leave it alone for now.

But it's not a dealbreaker obviously. IF the friend has to go...do it gently and kindly. I don't think it's fair, but neither is life...


I mean, I wouldn't go out and invite your w and this friend together to dinner anytime soon, but I can't see that there's anything affirmative for you to do in this sitch.

The image of you that your fil has will have to be broached initially by your w if you do R. She is one who told her dad these things and she will have to approach him when the time comes.
You can help by doing your part to make your relationship with him as smooth as possible and try to understand where his antagonism is coming from (it sounds like you already do). The only thing I can think of to do right now is to affirm to your w that you would value a good relationship with your fil again someday. That way she doesn't feel that there would be bad feelings on both sides if she decides to R with you.


AFTER your w has undone some of her wording and opened her father up to the idea she might have been seeing you thru some dark glasses, AND that people can change and you are THE example of that for her (and your mc's too) then

I wonder if you could wait a few more weeks or, say, 2 months (monitor for progress and all that of course, for timing)

and broach the topic with him yourself, as you may have done when you wanted to ask for her hand in m...

maybe a "man to man" thing where you own up to shortcomings and discuss the new man you are working to become now, (if HE is a role model for you in any way, tell him-if it's true)

that you are working to have a new better marriage than before AND that in some ways, you thank God she left you, to wake you up, b/c now you "get it".

Give that example of the evening without the cell phones or tv on and how you now see that is what she wanted all along. You Had thought her love language was gift getting, (maybe it's 2nd?)

but it is quality time...the "small things that count" to her. & that you thought "providing for" meant - earning more..(hello? these traits in men are not that rare.)

So Now you are awake. She and son are your priorities and you will never lose sight of that again.

My niece's long time boyfriend, whom I rather liked, kept delaying a proposal for marriage. Said he "liked things how they were," She moved out.

Within 2 weeks he proposed w/a ring & explained that he had to marry her b/c when he imagined life w/o her,

he couldn't sleep or eat or think straight.
Hearing all that, moved me a lot. They remain happily m now, 16 years later.

One thing he DID admit later, was he hated the idea of a big crowd at their wedding. He is from a very wealthy family, but he is an introvert. I think some of his fears were not only about commitment in general, but about the wedding itself -as wacky as that sounds. They had a wedding of immediate family only. (At least my side of the family saved a fortune). cool

So As for the different recall of events
-all I can say is that it's so common & it's not always plain old rationalizing.

My H does NOT believe he "would EVER" say he was "willing to take the chance on losing our family, for a JOB" -

but I can tell you where I was and what I was doing when he said it (the guest bathroom, spackling...)

I had specifically asked him if that was what he was doing OR was he bluffing, he said "Guess I'm willing to take THAT chance."

So in his mind he didn't SAY all of it, but it is exactly what I asked...so MUST we agree? No-- and it's impossible to agree on memory anyhow...

Heck, 2 eye witnesses to an accident, who have no emotional stake in the matter, won't often agree.

My H has "forgotten" a lot and in truth it's probably too painful for him to recall. MAYBE you fit in there somewhere...and your w's fears do too. She may have heard what she feared, not what you said, let alone what you meant.

Seems You both do a lot of mind reading...

What really matters is that you two agree on what you want in the future, &from this day forward. Just like the vows say...



As for the house, maybe you could get some information from a real estate agent as to its market value, lease value, etc. and present it to w if she asks about it again. That way, she knows that you took her concerns seriously. I wouldn't jump the gun and put the house on the market right away or anything. But just do some research in the meantime so you can respond to her when she raises the issue again.

All good stuff!

Mimi



Substantively Mimi has touched on the points. "Procedure" may matter more now, ie HOW you problem solve together and resolve conflicts

matters more (to your w at least, and imo to you as well) matters more than the actual choice made. So

Make the decision as a team --

and make sure ALL of HER concerns are addressed.

Then, If she has all the same information as you,

and she reflects on it, and she STILL wants to sell at a loss and cannot wait,

(instead of thinking she is "wrong"--and she might be!!!)

realize it must be very important to her to start fresh in every way.

Not so hard to know what to do then, is it? Also, it is more than a symbolic 180.

Keep up the great work and hold onto your hard won progress.

(((( )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Can you move into her old condo?


Me:49 WAW H:59
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Quote:
Issue #1: Our friend.


Do you remember the long talk I had about her needing to feel that she was first place, above ANYONE else in your life? You had robbed her of that first place, and it's not something she has gotten over yet. You stepped up to your parents. Don't you dare let a friend come before your wife! Right now, your W just needs the assurance that if she can no longer be friends with that woman, you will not put the friend above your W. And, I do not believe in M people having "friendships" with the opposite sex that exclude the S. Even though she says you could still hang out with the female friend, she would be jealous and it would come between you in the M. Don't be this crazy!

Quote:
Issue #2: Her dad.


It's her dad! It's completely normal for him to feel that way about his daughter! Of course you were a cad in his opinion. But, remember how YOUR PARENTS felt about her? Don't even get me started!

Quote:
Issue #3: The house


She just wants to know that you would be willing to sell if that would make her happy. She isn't asking you to do it today.

Crimson, you have cried over your stitch too many times and would have offered up anything just to get her back. Now, you are looking at "issues"?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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^^^like


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Crimson Offline OP
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Thanks for the feedback, friends. I think I have a generally good head on me at the moment regarding where my attitude needs to be and what my next steps are. I am hopeful that w and friend can iron things out - I know our friend wants to. If not, well - I get that conclusion too.

Sandi - I have not looked past all the good that has happened at all. I am incredibly shocked and happy that I am where I am right now. I think the identification of issues is just my way of fine-tuning a bit and making sure I have all things in proper perspective right now.

The three of us had dinner last night again - yet another good time. No talk of D, R or anything else. Just catching up some more. W dropped me off back at the house and as I was walking into the garage shouted out "love you!" from the back of her car. That was a great way to wrap up the night.

Crimson

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Wow, Crimson, I'm very happy for you and have a bit of a lump in my throat.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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^^^ really?!


Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.
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The three of us had dinner last night again - yet another good time. No talk of D, R or anything else. Just catching up some more. W dropped me off back at the house and as I was walking into the garage shouted out "love you!" from the back of her car. That was a great way to wrap up the night.

That is HUGE!!!!! So happy for you! Keep it going!!


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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Crimson Offline OP
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CRIPES!!!! I meant my SON said that....not W. Yeah - that would have been big, but Noooooo that did NOT come from my W.

Crimson

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