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Originally Posted By: Crimson
So far GM, most of our R talks have been recapping what has happened and the impact it has had on our respective lives. Granted, they are not hostile convos at all - but they do open the eyes a bit. In doing so, yes, I think I do do a lot of validating. I think I am still in that phase/mode where I want her to feel comfortable with me. We are almost there. I am fearful of injecting an issue with any real gravity to it until she feels safe with her emotions with me.

Crimson


I get that. Before I read the part about the garnishment but I had read about the weird transaction wherein you surprised her w/a CS check,

I was actually going to suggest you get it automatically deducted to avoid these exact times. It's awkward and it's a reminder of the past/problems and how to go forward. As for what she intends in pursuing both...IDK/

But it's easy to put the brakes on a divorce at the last minute. I'd bet her L told her just that, while he bills by the hour. (No Crim, you don't get to remind her of that).

Ironically, I saw this as a good thing, mostly. It keeps the issues more separate.
Just my take on it.

But GM is right. Even though you are understandably reluctant to throw a wrench into it, you do have to communicate more. You have to resolve conflicts instead of ignoring them or letting them fester.

How about you both Learn new problem solving skills as a couple? That would do a lot to make you both feel safe, wouldn't it? Ask the mc.


& why not tell her how YOU FELT when you got the notice?

Or just say "it's confusing/conflicting" for you,

w/IVF and possible fatherhood joys again, on one hand,

AND OR being single forever...

and then LISTEN for her response...and keep listening.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Hi Crimson,
Not sure if the following will help you at all, but I have been reading a book on mlc that clarified a lot of what my H is doing.

The argument is that our spouses are going through a process similar to 'mourning' or 'grieving' (their loss of identity, sense of immortality, sense of meaning in life).

This grieving often involves a stage in which they say to themselves "if only".

In your case, you might see your W as saying: 'If only I had had another child". "Then perhaps I wouldn't feel so bad".

It's a way of seeking relief from the inner sense of despair. A way of trying to point the way forward.

It's a fantasy (at this stage, because D is still on the agenda for her) but it reveals a lot about the inner needs of the person who is expressing it.

The writer of the book says that the fantasies mlc-ers typically engage in (men often say they would like to be farmers, helpers, nurserymen or writers) are key to the modification that is required post-crisis. The meaning of the fantasy needs to be explored by the person -why do I want this and what is lacking in my inner life/relationship.

The takeaway message, I suppose is, again, that such things need to be talked about. The meaning of this desire for IVF by your wife might well be something that should be explored in counselling.

Again, apologies if I come across as an amateur analyst here. Not trying for that, just thought it might help you deal with the apparent incongruence of her actions.

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Well 25, CV and NLW,

I went long boarding in the park tonight to try to pull myself out of the funk I suddenly find myself in. Helped a bit, but I think a date with the 3 basses upstairs is in order, too.

If I am being honest (25), the indignation of having my wages garnished is adding to the problem. I don't like the court telling me to take care of my family. I have never NOT done that. I have consistently given her checks since we reached an agreement without hesitating. I guess I am also stressing out because it won't be too long before my finances are wrecked from all of this and I have tried so hard my whole life to be cautious and responsible with money and then something like this kicks in. I know that is my ego talking, my sense of self-pride - and that is a luxury I probably can't afford right now.

Tonight my wife texted me that she is looking to buy a jogging stroller. I am happy she is getting out and taking care of herself - but part of me was thinking - great, I'm looking to stay solvent. Maybe it won't be as bad as I think, but I am having a hard time with it. A very hard time.

Regarding IVF, I know I am going to have to sack up and say something sooner or later. I just don't want to screw things up somehow and I know now is not the time to talk about it.

I know I have made great progress, but today I think I just hit a wall. Tomorrow will be better, but today my emotions just caved in on me. I still feel trapped in this terrible process....I still feel like I will never have my son back in my life full time again. I still miss my wife terribly, and I am still hurting inside a bit. It's been going on awhile so I suppose you can only keep your chin up for son long before you just have to put it down for a day. Today was that day I guess.

Thanks everyone for your support, guidance and advice. It has really meant a lot to me over these several months. Wouldn't have made it this far without you. And I mean that.

Crimson

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I am feeling your pain in your last post. I am so sorry for what you're going through today. It really is the best to be able to come here and blow off some steam, isn't it?

I have to say that no matter what anyone here says, YOU know what is best for you and your situation. If you're not having a good feeling about something, I would not discredit that.

I know all of this stuff messes with your head and is emotionally draining at times and it really is ok and normal to have these emotional lows. This is where you build strength. I hope and pray for you that your situation will take a turn for the better soon.

Hang in there...


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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what he said...

hang in there Crimson

you are a good man....don't lose those hard earned points or backslide,

But sure, be true to yourself-

We are all rooting for you!


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,326
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Crimson Offline OP
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Seems like with the progression to each new phase of this ordeal I find myself saying "I didn't think that this was going to be that hard". Well, here I am in this odd space between divorce and reconciliation and I am saying it again - I didn't think that this was going to be this hard. Today the weight of "not knowing" what is going to happen almost made me want to just give up. At least that way I would know that I am controlling something and not just a passenger (I know this is NOT a healthy way of thinking).

I have my son this weekend and we have been just hanging out having a good time together. W called yesterday to talk to him and asked if we would be at church this morning. I said yes - and she said she would be there, too. We arrived and w, sil and I all sat together. We had a good time, good message and shared a few good laughs. Of course, we both fawned over our son.

After church we all went to breakfast. Again, a good time with laughs and conversation. It feels like family again - everyone just hanging out and our son enjoying the togetherness of it all. I hated to see it end.

As we walked to our cars (w parked next to me) I told w that s and I would be making dinner and she was more that welcome to stop by. She said she would "play it by ear" and had to meet one of her girlfriends for coffee later. Later she texted me and said she had work to do tonight that she needed done for the morning and would probably would't come by for dinner. I don't know if that was true or not, but I felt rejected and embarrassed that I asked.

Then I started wondering if only wants to meet at church so she can see our son - not to try to spend a bit of time together without it being "too much". Again, not a healthy thing to think - and I tried to keep my head out of that line of thought.

I don't know if I am falling apart, growing weary, fighting off a backslide or all three. But the weight of the pending divorce, my looming financial implosion and not knowing what my w really wants to do is crushing down on me. I miss my family so much it tears at my heart. It almost makes me cry when my s says "where'd mommy go?" or "mmoooommmyyy where are you?".

I know she misses him, but I also know that she could at any time say "let's try to pull back together and be a family". I honestly don't know what she wants to do at all - and I know better than to ask.

Our S turns 2 next week. Not how I envisioned it, but I will make the most of it. These last few days my heart has been breaking. For him, for me....for the future, for the unknown. My MIL will be here for it. She has been texting me recently - so that is not all bad. Seems friendly.

I guess I am just in need of encouragement to stay on path and not give up. It was a hard week and I really felt/feel like throwing my hands up. Maybe it't not that I am not making progress....but that I am not making as much as I would like to. If I just got the slightest indication from my w to hang in there and keep trying (pipe dream) I would feel better. And who knows, maybe if my pursuit of the big sign I have gotten the little sign that says just that and I overlooked it.

I am not the uber-religious guy at all, but I DO believe in God and find that that belief is comforting and stabilizing in many ways. I don't view it at magic or mysticism at all - just believing. That said, uncharacteristically I bought to bundles of dry sage to burn in the house. It is supposed to cleanse and spiritually heal you, your home, or other things. Looking back on all the negativeness that was present in this house when we were both living in separate rooms, and when I was hurting my wife for God only knows how long and didn't know it - I feel that it is necessary to to this. If it is nothing more than symbolic, so be it. But I want to get rid of the bad feelings and memories in this house for me and for my w.

S is waking from nap. Time to put on the dad-hat. Thanks for reading and responding. Sometimes it just helps to get things out of me.

Crimson

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Originally Posted By: gabbysmom23
Crimson, when you say give up, what does that mean? Would you be acting any different ? Because you are not playing a game just to get your wife back. You made changes for the better for you, right? So giving up would consist of what? I

I am telling you, you would feel a little relief discussing your feelings with your wife. Communicate with her. Stop letting the fear paralyze you. You can't reconcile like this I'll tell you that much.

And you have to stop taking every decision she makes not to be with you personally. The woman probably really did have things to do and a coffee date with her friend. Why are you making it about you again? I'm not saying this to be snarky, but your wife's life and feelings do not soley revolve around you. You have to remember that for your own good.


what she said^^^



fwiw, I would NOT invite her to anything for awhile. Let HER do all of that.

your course of action remains the same, other than dating OWs I guess. What would "giving up" look like, otherwise?

is it an internal thing? The desire to feel in control? That's intriguing b/c you once said you were "needlessly controlling" (or controlling past the point of it being rational) in the past. So it was an issue for you.

FWIW-my h is getting deployed this summer. PROBABLY going to Kuwait but maybe to Afghanistan. We don't know yet.

The departure date has changed twice, but it is PROBABLY going to be right around our wedding anniversary this summer.

We don't know how long he'll be gone!
At least several months, "Subject to change without notice."

Our youngest d is in high school so he'll probably miss a year of that. If Iran does something crazy over there, who knows how long he'll be gone? (I can't even entertain concepts about danger either. But the hospital he'll likely be in, is the one that got bombed before. So i don't go there).

All I know for sure is, His pay will be cut in half so our finances will be shot.

Crimson, I say all this b/c when we were both active duty, we learned to embrace the ambiguity of life, or at least to accept it.

I just cannot obsess about things I have no control over. Same for you.

The single great thing about really truly "getting" that^^ concept, is that it taught me to live in the present. It's freeing. You only have today's plate of work, you don't borrow from tomorrow's or next month's, etc.

Enjoying the "now" is life enhancing and it's contagious. And what a great thing to teach your beautiful son! (and to let your wife see)...

See if the book "The Power of Now" helps you at all. I found the audio version weirdly soothing and somehow more clear. But it would help you & I recommend you get it.

Be here now.

(((( ))))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,326
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Crimson Offline OP
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GM & 25,

I guess by "giving up" I meant accepting the fact that the D is going to happen and my wife is never coming back. The changes I have made and continue to make are for good - those I can't give back or give up. Sometimes hope is a hard flame to keep lit. I've been feeling that lately. I know I have come a long way, but it feels as if I have somehow stalled out. Am I seeing this incorrectly?

I guess part of it is also the more time I spend with my w here and there the more I am aware of the loneliness without her. It's just something in my head I suppose, and something everyone in this position feels. It's just difficult to manage.

I don't think I am overtly seeking control - I think I am just having a hard time accepting the ambiguity of this situation like you said. One day at a time. That is the best way to get through this. But it seems like each day I am looking for some kind of answer that just isn't coming. I keep thinking about the prospect of losing my family and I fall into a deep sadness. For all I know the exact opposite could happen - I really don't know. And that, said the bard, is the rub.

I DO have a hard time getting to a point where I am accepting "now" and living in the moment. But believe it or not this ordeal has taught me to get a little better at it. It's an elusive 180 that I really need to tackle.

I am also teetering on the edge of feeling like a total failure if/when my finances fall apart. In my life I have not so much as bounced a check - the prospect of losing my house and ruining my credit is tough to take. As you recall from many threads ago, I struggle with the notion of failure a lot.

I know she had legit reasons not to hang out today and I shouldn't take it personally. Furthermore, you are right - I shouldn't really ask her to do anything else. I got us tickets for one of her favorite comedians next month - that'll be it until she asks to do something else. My problem is that I feel like if I don't at least plan or ask her to do things I will just let her slip away. Being around her makes me feel good. I am probably trying to sustain that feeling somehow. The irony is that it would seem as though I have forgotten that pulling away helped bring her back. Do I pull away again? What is too much?

GM, you're are right. I tend to forget that my w's life and feelings do not revolve around me. I need to get over that.

Thanks for reading, guys. I appreciate it.

Crimson

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Crimson Offline OP
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BTW, 25 - I pray that your H stays safe when he is deployed.

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Hi Crimson. I noticed that you mention your finances alot? Your credit? Is money and possessions that important to you? Are you more concerned about losing those or your family? Just curious.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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