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I know exactly how you feel. Again, “the tyranny of the present.” In the initial weeks each day seems an eternity. When the day finally does come to an end its only because of the medicinal compassion of sleep aids. I’m 3.5 months in and I still take something to sleep nearly every night. Fortunately the days are much easier. My salvation? My friends here on this board and our commonality. Learning to like/love myself again, accepting the painful fact that the WAS is gone, and keeping VERY busy.
I have found LRT, while effective, is not a quick fix. One really needs to have patience boarding on that of a sage. If you are not patient you will positively drive yourself crazy. Your husband, and my wife, will continue to be cold. Being cold and detached is their way of reassuring themselves they have made the correct choice in leaving us. In the long run (I hope) our use of detachment will provide personal strength and cause the WAS to pause.

Rick, please feel free to chime in here since you have been at this much longer than I.


Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.
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PTC...so many here from Pensacola....read "if you like pina colladas thread"...she's from there

All of our sitches are the same yet each has its own flavor (even if it tastes like bile). You know how they say do what works? I agree with that. Common sense should not be rejected just to try to follow some DB rule to the letter. Like Mach says, if you see his comments around here, DB'ing is a state of mind. It's one we work harder than anything else to achieve.

If you and H have pratical matters that have to be resolved then by all means do them. And with kids too. What we all try to achieve her is reaching that state of mind. DB'ing is really about a few things: learning about how you got yourself here - find it, evaluate it, learn from it, improve your life; taking control of your life and happiness; letting your spouse walk thru their own journey; having faith in the processes of the divine (however you define it) to work with you - and this is important, work with him.

If you can achieve this you will find deep contentment. It may be hard to believe right now. I swear to you it can happen. See DB'ing is sooooo hard (pt 5) if you want to see my story. maybe it will help.

Peace and good luck.

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=@@= ^^^


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Having faith in the process and working WITH divine...very, very good point. Maybe I see things a little black or white too and am ignoring common sense. Work with...adding to my Solution Journal

So, we have movement in my sitch...texts this morning he is going to be at S16's hockey game tonight and it would be "cool if I was there" (originally said to him that I would not care to be anywhere he is when he moved out) to which I replied "see you tonight" and then he says "looking forward to it" with some extras about work he did around house yesterday when I was absent. I laugh at Monkey's comment to wife to get dressed as I am contemplating what to wear to outdoor hockey game this evening. How do you handle this? Have y'all done it? What DO you talk about? I am a nervous wreck. Tempted to stop at a bar on the way for a glass of wine! LOL! JK as that would make me weepy and emotional probably and mess things up entirely. Tempting idea though.

So the DB state of mind is "I am okay without you and if I see you, then cool???" Can I reach this BEFORE I reach state of acceptance in mourning my marraige? Or is it a zig zag back and forth?

Detachment thoughts helpful too. Thanks everyone. Hope this is not considered hijacking your thread, Monkey. Just wondering when you did see your wife (when picked up uniforms) what you talked about...wondering if I have a full game of small talk at hockey game with this H of mine. So strange...so, so strange.


Me: 44 H: 45
Married 22
S 18, S 16
Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12
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Don't over-think this. When you see him tonight:

- you are happy
- you are beautiful
- you are funny
- you are confident
- you are going to be fine one way or the other.

Even if you are not there just yet, put on the facade tonight. The more you do it, the more "real" it becomes.

Good luck and have fun.


Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.
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Thank you my friend, thank you.


Me: 44 H: 45
Married 22
S 18, S 16
Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12
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Probably too soon to invite the W out with me and friends tonight?


Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.
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PTC - echoing what Monkey said. Keep the mantra in your head...

you have your own life and it is and will be great

the universe is with you always

I can let him go and find his answers

None of it easy, but trust that over time it does get easier. It does you know.

And there probably will be awkward silences because the WAS doesn't typically want to know about your life and feelings...it's too threatening to their story and escapism. Just remind yourself then of how rich and deep you and your life is.

Best of luck. Peace. I should probably just go to your thread. It's like we just moved into Monkey's house!

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Hi Monkey, did you invite your wife out with friends?

My H going to hockey again Monday and tempted to do same.....what did you decide? Then I remembered STFU so I didn't say anything since he only JUST left! You've been at this a while now.

Thinking of you.


Me: 44 H: 45
Married 22
S 18, S 16
Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 524
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Nah, don't think I'm going to.


Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.
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