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#2229822 - 03/12/12 04:54 PM Six weeks of separation and counting
ptcr Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/12
Posts: 88
This is my second thread. Don't know how to attach the first, but I will update y'all on my sitch.

H has been gone 6 weeks today. I am using LRT because we are physically separated...he lives across town in a rented room.

Thanks to the many, many wonderful DB'ers out there who post and answer our questions, I have managed to stay busy for the past 6 weeks.

I am trying to GAL but I think I may be doing this so he sees it and no necessarily for myself because I have not wanted to do anything for the last few days other than obsessively talk on the phone or go to lunch with friends, impatient for this slow process.

I find myself wondering what he is doing and if OW is in town, etc, because he seems different to me than when he left 6 weeks ago. Wondering is probably a kind word and obsessing would be better! Haven't slept well in a few days.

Anyway, as far as monitoring my results go, I believe that he is being nicer and contacting the kids himself w/o me managing their relationships and fixing stuff at our home BECAUSE of my detachment and my efforts at going dark.

Problem is...now I find myself having expectations. Yes, my heart skips a beat when I hear my phone chime with a text. How do you make that stop??? I love this man and the attention is like the sun shining on me out of the blue.

Accuray posted something about pursuer/pursued and it describes our relationships to a "T" - literally textbook.

We read 5 LL several years ago but I can't remember what my husbands LL was - seems like physical touch - so clearly don't know how to incorporate that into my interactions with H (who happily is still wearing his wedding ring).

I cannot believe it has only been 6 weeks. I keep counting on the calendar and it seems like it should be closer to 12 or 16 or something. I admire all of you that have been doing this for a year and more...God bless you for your patience and guidance.

I think my biggest problem is too much time on my hands. I was working p/t but quit that job after he moved out because i could not think straight (medical transcriptionist working from home - it was slowly driving me bonkers anyway - I am FAR too social to sit with head phones on). My IC says see this as a gift. Easier said than done. Obviously I need some goals because I am finding myself sitting around, moping and waiting for contact from H. He doesn't know this - so I am lucky - but I feel pretty pathetic and lonely.

S16 said last night he was moping around with the same feeling. His school work has been slipping...I am so afraid he will lose his good A/B average as he is a junior and this is the semester that counts for early admission. I told him we couldn't wait for dad and that we needed to take care of ourselves. Lot of kettle calling pot black stuff here I guess.

Feeling sad and lonely today. Will see him tonight at hockey game again and then have big trip to Germany tomorrow to see brother but cant seem to get excited for that either. I know I have to and I will but for now, I am moping and in disbelief.
_________________________
Me: 44 H: 45
Married 22
S 18, S 16
Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12

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#2229844 - 03/12/12 05:57 PM Re: Six weeks of separation and counting [Re: ptcr]
PrincessP Offline
Member

Registered: 02/28/12
Posts: 54
Loc: NJ
Hi, ptcrussell.

I am going on 10 weeks tomorrow. I feel your words in my heart and hear them in my head. My H walked out at the beginning of the year; I read “Divorce Remedy” about 7 weeks afterwards, and jumped online withing a day or after. I have been doing my 180s for three weeks now. I know there is another woman, and they may be living together at this point. I have no idea where my H lives. He comes to visit our D4 a few times a week. He has shrouded himself in mystery.

He feels I have been "mean and nasty" to him for 20 years and we have a sexless marriage. I would agree with the second point dead on. The "mean and nasty" for 20 years is ridiculous. We married after 10 years of dating so it would not make sense to marry someone if you felt mistreated by them for that long.

The folks in this online community are very nice, and feel for everyone – I would never wish this fate on my worst enemy. But, I do find myself often wondering how long this can go on. I wish there were more in-depth posts on the success stories, i.e. how did they make it through this time, and any words of wisdom from the ones who successfully used these techniques. The stories about lawyers, protecting yourself and the finances, going dark for unspecified periods of time are helpful but get me more down than up sometimes.
_________________________
M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already

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#2229860 - 03/12/12 06:34 PM Re: Six weeks of separation and counting [Re: ptcr]
mishka422 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/07
Posts: 9679
Loc: GA
Cycling is natural. It is going to take a lot of time to find an even keel to your emotions. The 'experts' (yes, take that term loosely) say that it takes 1 year for every 4 years you were married to recover from a D. I found that being separated was like being in an eternal state of D without the benefits of legal papers. It's the worst kind of rollercoaster because you don't know which way it will go from one second to the next.

While you are away I'd like to ask you to do some emotional work for yourself. Take a journal with you. Preferably one you haven't written anything at all in. Concentrate on this one question and do it every day for the time you are away. I'll be interested to hear your answer from each day when you return.

"If H were to want to come home tomorrow, what would I require and what would that R look like?" Also, "Who am I outside of this M?"

Those two questions will likely result in several different answers, hence having you answer them each day. Your emotions will move every day and so will the answers.

The second question is MUCH more important than the first but in order to understand who you are outside of the M it is important to understand your answers to the first.
_________________________
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!


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#2229861 - 03/12/12 06:34 PM Re: Six weeks of separation and counting [Re: mishka422]
mishka422 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/07
Posts: 9679
Loc: GA
Oh, and I hope the load factors are in your favor tomorrow!
_________________________
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!


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#2229936 - 03/12/12 09:19 PM Re: Six weeks of separation and counting [Re: mishka422]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 67
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.
Ptcrussell:

I would suggest looking into getting a job, maybe not for the money but to keep yourself busy and a job where there are people to talk with to keep your mind off your sitch.

Has h ever said he doesn't feel you contribute to the marriage? He might feel resentment that he pays for everything. I think this is a common problem with stay at home moms. You did say you have some credit card debt. Is that from your h or mainly from you?

Just like everyone else has said the less needy you look the more appealing you will look to your husband. You have to find a way to keep busy and detach or you will go crazy.

Not sure what it is about being married 15 years but it sure seems like someone goes into crisis around that time. For me it was my wife. I'm at eight months from bomb and it is getting better for me. We are together and slowly working out our breakdown of the marriage. I've read a month for every year married and I'm beginning to believe that to be pretty accurate.

Have a safe and fun trip.

Shaky
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

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#2229944 - 03/12/12 09:31 PM Re: Six weeks of separation and counting [Re: Shaky]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8781
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Shaky,
Originally Posted By: shaky
Has h ever said he doesn't feel you contribute to the marriage? He might feel resentment that he pays for everything. I think this is a common problem with stay at home moms.


Could you talk about this more?

There's a vessel in my head about to burst and I don't want it to happen if I've just misunderstood your post.

Thanks.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2229962 - 03/12/12 11:10 PM Re: Six weeks of separation and counting [Re: labug]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 67
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.
Originally Posted By: labug
Shaky,
Originally Posted By: shaky
Has h ever said he doesn't feel you contribute to the marriage? He might feel resentment that he pays for everything. I think this is a common problem with stay at home moms.


Could you talk about this more?

There's a vessel in my head about to burst and I don't want it to happen if I've just misunderstood your post.

Thanks.


I'm just throwing out idea's. I know lots of stay at home moms and dads that have huge spending problems and the partner making all the money has a tough time dealing with the issue's.

I'm not saying PT has this problem, as I recall she said h was the one blowing up the credit cards not her. Just thought I would ask.
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

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#2229963 - 03/12/12 11:21 PM Re: Six weeks of separation and counting [Re: Shaky]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8781
Loc: Sonoran Desert
So you do see value in SAHMs and SAHDs? I think they contribute immensely to a marriage, having done a bit of both over the last 23 years I've had children.

If you've ever paid for FT child care and housework and shopping and cooking and sick child care and chauffeuring them around and on and on, I'd guess you would agree.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2229964 - 03/12/12 11:24 PM Re: Six weeks of separation and counting [Re: labug]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8781
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Sorry ptc for the slight hijack.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2229966 - 03/12/12 11:38 PM Re: Six weeks of separation and counting [Re: labug]
kml Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 12035
Labug, I don't think Shaky meant any comment on the value of SAHMs. The - very valid - point was that many WAHs resent their SAH spouses - rightly or wrongly.

My ex definitely did - even though his salary was adequate for our needs, and I had an illness which interfered with my ability to pursue my career for a number of years, and once I was better, our daughter developed a serious eating disorder and needed me home.

Still, my ex had a chip on his shoulder about being the sole breadwinner - and he definitely didn't value the very hard work I did as a homemaker (I've been in the workforce - I'll take going to a job anyday over raising three kids! Don't get me wrong, I love 'em and it was great to be able to be home with them - but it is DEFINITELY the harder job!)

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