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#2231722 - 03/19/12 01:40 PM Re: Hoping for a better Spring and a new chapter [Re: Autumn Leaves]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 5016
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Autumn Leaves
Good morning!!

Thank you Starsky, it is really hard. I feel like I am quite confused at time and I know he is counting on that because it has worked in the past.



Without question.



When he sees that his currect tactics are not working, expect him to change them -- perhaps drastically.


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2231724 - 03/19/12 01:41 PM Re: Hoping for a better Spring and a new chapter [Re: Starsky309]
mindfull Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/08
Posts: 3975
Autumn (and Starsky):

I know we discussed, asking for some help w/making him respect your space now. If he can't respect your request...

Thankfully, your appointment is tomorrow, and you can start to make some decisions, and understand your options.

You're right. You can't just keep GAL away from your home, because you can't be around him.
_________________________
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Top
#2231726 - 03/19/12 01:42 PM Re: Hoping for a better Spring and a new chapter [Re: Autumn Leaves]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 5016
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Autumn Leaves
I don't know much about OW. I do know that H surrounds himself with "party friends" and likes to say "I am not as bad as XYZ" so chances are good.



It would be HIGHLY "script" if she were an enabler, including having a drinking problem herself.


MWD teaches in DB and DR to find out as much as you can abuot the OP, so that you can learn what it is that they may be providing that your wayward spouse is responding to. I'm not saying (if it turns out she has a drinking problem) that you should then go out and party it up with your husband!! . . . just saying that "knowledge is power," and will add a piece to the puzzle.


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2231727 - 03/19/12 01:42 PM Re: Hoping for a better Spring and a new chapter [Re: Starsky309]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
Very true Starsky and that is a great suggestion. I did say to him that he is less worried about our feelings and only worried about his. I also told him I wondered if he truly wants his marriage like he tells me or if he is afraid to lose his lifestyle. He hesitated before answering "marriage, I don't care about lifestyle". I don't believe him

I have this in my phone and it pops up as a reminder to me daily:

"By owning my decisions, honoring my boundaries and my authentic self and engaging a healthy and loving support system, I live the passionate, joyful life I deserve"

It is good to remind myself daily!!
_________________________
-Autumn


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#2231728 - 03/19/12 01:44 PM Re: Hoping for a better Spring and a new chapter [Re: mindfull]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 5016
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: mindfull
Autumn (and Starsky):

I know we discussed, asking for some help w/making him respect your space now. If he can't respect your request...

Thankfully, your appointment is tomorrow, and you can start to make some decisions, and understand your options.

You're right. You can't just keep GAL away from your home, because you can't be around him.



Agree. "A", you shouldn't have to (you haven't done anything wrong!), and "B" the boys need you around MORE during this time, not LESS. So going out right now (during reasonable hours), is a short-term, self-preservation tactic we are advising you. Your atty can tell you what your options are going forward.

Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

Top
#2231730 - 03/19/12 01:46 PM Re: Hoping for a better Spring and a new chapter [Re: Autumn Leaves]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 5016
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Autumn Leaves


I have this in my phone and it pops up as a reminder to me daily:

"By owning my decisions, honoring my boundaries and my authentic self and engaging a healthy and loving support system, I live the passionate, joyful life I deserve"




I LOVE this!!! ^^^^ whistle whistle
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

Top
#2231731 - 03/19/12 01:47 PM Re: Hoping for a better Spring and a new chapter [Re: Autumn Leaves]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 5016
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Autumn Leaves
Very true Starsky and that is a great suggestion. I did say to him that he is less worried about our feelings and only worried about his. I also told him I wondered if he truly wants his marriage like he tells me or if he is afraid to lose his lifestyle. He hesitated before answering "marriage, I don't care about lifestyle". I don't believe him


Try not to "teach" him too much right now. I've heard it said that "you can't teach a wayward," and I think that's largely true. You CAN, however, land little "truth darts" from time to time (like you did just there ^ ), but pick your spots -- maybe 2-3x/week, tops.


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

Top
#2231732 - 03/19/12 01:52 PM Re: Hoping for a better Spring and a new chapter [Re: Starsky309]
mindfull Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/08
Posts: 3975
He'd better save that money intended for the boat cover! At the very least, he'll need it for about a million counseling sessions!
_________________________
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Top
#2231822 - 03/19/12 07:58 PM Re: Hoping for a better Spring and a new chapter [Re: mindfull]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
Still so confused by some of his responses. He truly doesn't see that he did anything wrong? He swears there was no PA but how can he not see that the things he did were equally as bad.

We had the history of his previous affair and he offered oral sex to a woman from his past. When she said 'are you serious' he said "try me" and there were discussions of getting together for a baseball game and "if we get into trouble, oh well"

He keeps telling me that he wasn't going to do anything and it is just "trash talking"

He can't really be that arrogant to think that I believe him, or worse yet does he believe it himself.

I said "honestly, the two times you were caught were probably not the only times, chances are good there were others in between"

Could he really be that delusional?

Looking forward to my appointment tomorrow morning!
_________________________
-Autumn


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#2231871 - 03/19/12 09:59 PM Re: Hoping for a better Spring and a new chapter [Re: Autumn Leaves]
mindfull Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/08
Posts: 3975
Autumn.

Do you really expect him to admit it??

He will lose his cozy life @ home w/his family (when he wants to be with them).
He will lose his cushy lifestyle. Condo for one??! If he's fortunate...
Boat??? What boat???
Eating Out/Partying all the time? Not sure that's in the budget after dealing w/the fallout of a divorce/two households, AND still helping a college student...

Nope. Not a surprise. He's getting good at the lying, too. He has a history.

I still don't hear any remorse coming from him. Just pissyness because he's caught.
_________________________
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Top
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