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#2229462 - 03/10/12 05:39 PM Re: Finding my way through the fog [Re: nhmom]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
I don't remember where I first saw this...it's been within the last 4 days. It resonated with me, and I thought it was appropriate to share.
You've been strong so far 2tp...in painful circumstances. I hope you'll continue.

When people took Darwin's theory's and used "survival of the fittest" to justify their domination and impoverishment of others, Darwin's reply was very interesting, in essence he said the fittest is not the most aggressive or strongest but the fittest were those species that are MOST ABLE TO ADAPT TO CHANGE.
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#2229465 - 03/10/12 05:55 PM Re: Finding my way through the fog [Re: nhmom]
Valeska19 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/11
Posts: 1219
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
2,
I'm sorry to hear about w asking you to leave. As much as we can prepare ourselves to have no expectations.. It's alot harder to put away our hope.

Take this last month and learn from it. Use the knowledge to plan your next steps.

Do you know what they are?
_________________________
M(f): 31
XW: 33
M: 5
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.

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#2229469 - 03/10/12 06:12 PM Re: Finding my way through the fog [Re: ces67]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: ces67
2 - I'm telling ya, all you guys out there doing yoga. I'm going to have to get on the band-wagon.

Stay upbeat as you move out. I wish something would jolt your W into the reality of what she's giving up. I'll keep praying it happens for you.

Try not to obsess on how your W might view your friend. If you're not comfortable with the idea of having a lady friend then back off, but do it for you. Let go of the mind-reading and let your W deal with her own feelings.

Spain is sounding mighty good! Enjoy and best of luck with the job offer too.

My interview process for the job I had now consisted of 2 phone interviews then a site visit. They flew me in and I spent from 8:30am to after 6pm interviewing with about 10 to 12 people. Some 1 on 1, some in pairs and then a panel with the team I ultimately managed. It was a looooong day but it paid off.

Enjoy your weekend and try and stay focused on where 2 is heading and not what W is stalling.


CES - if you join the yoga world you won't regret it. All of us are really starting to lead parallel lives....LBS's, making our lives better, yoga, guitar....what's next?

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#2229470 - 03/10/12 06:13 PM Re: Finding my way through the fog [Re: rickb89]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 983
I think my mountain bike needs a tune up....
_________________________
Me:44, W:43
S:15, D:11
M:21, T:24
Bomb: July 2010
Stopped MC for 2nd time late summer 2013
Dropping the rope...

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#2229471 - 03/10/12 06:17 PM Re: Finding my way through the fog [Re: rickb89]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
Some of these gals I ride with do what they call 'hot yoga'. They say it's doing yoga in a room where they have the temperature set at about 105 degrees.
Sounds about as fun to me as getting my testicles slammed in s pickup door.
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#2229500 - 03/10/12 09:07 PM Re: Finding my way through the fog [Re: antlers]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Antlers - it's Bikram Yoga. I do that too. It's very challenging but you do feel great. Not sure how it compares to the nad slamming though.

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#2229530 - 03/11/12 12:37 AM Re: Finding my way through the fog [Re: rickb89]
bustorama Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 519
2tp,

You've backslid some.

You allowed yourself to become attached again -- not only in terms of your hope for the R, but also in being concerned about your W's reactions (and measuring your behavior in terms of eliciting or not eliciting a certain reaction in your W).

Another example of your reattaching is your concern about her speculated breast reduction. Your only legitimate concerns here are how it affects your wallet and how it might affect your kids. It is her body and since you are not living as a married couple, it's not your place to say anything about it other than on the financial side (and there wouldn't be an issue here if your finances were separated) or how the surgery may impact your shared child care situation.

Again, it's paradoxical, but the less attached you are to her life and decisions, the faster your situation will resolve one way or the other. The more attached and involved you are, the more the limbo and cake eating will continue (because you are allowing it to and tacitly validating it).

Remember, your W kicked you out of the house. She did not invite you back to the house to reconcile with you. She allowed you in for caregiving (borderline cake eating) that you "volunteered." And you didn't volunteer it selflessly and without expectation. You did it in part hoping that it would clear her fog. That your "unconditional" love would bring about a change in her. It's a form of controlling behavior.

While it was the right thing to take care of her and the kids in the greatest time of need, there reached a point at some time after you were in HER house (notice that you started calling it home in your messages? reality -- to her, it's NOT your home anymore) where your caregiving became more about YOUR needs (to be with her, to hope it would lead to a change in mind in her) than about whether she REALLY needed you in a medical way. If there was an issue re: her ability to care for the kids, you could as easily have taken the kids to your place and brought them to school from there, and she could have gotten all the rest she needed.

When the W is WAS and fogged out in an A, they will NOT get de-fogged if you play plan doormat and let them lead about how long you "can" stay in the guest bedroom ("I hope she lets me stay another week in the corner of the house to tend to her needs"). That is emasculating and not attractive. There is no mojo in being obsequious and saying, "I will stay here and cater to you until the day that you want me to leave. I don't want to stay a day longer than bothers you."

Come on, man. You think your W will find that viscerally HOT or STRONG? Where is your value in that? Yeah, when she medically needs you, you take care of her and do a bang up job at it. But, then, when is well enough, YOU decide early it's time for you to go and get on with your life (because she never indicated she wanted you to be part of hers again). If you reconcile, SHE will need to pull you back. She will need to convince you that she will work for you and the R, as much as you have done for her. It's hard for her to pull you back if you are pushing yourself into her home saying I will stay here until you ask me to leave.

Why do you feel bad about going to yoga with a female friend? It's reality to your W. Part of dumping your H is that he may have some REALLY hot yoga. Namaste.

Part of YOU accepting the current reality is that you should make your life choices based on what is best for 2tp (or kids) and NOT about what W will think. Even if you were living as a married couple, I don't see what is wrong with going to yoga with a female friend. But, since you are NOT living as a married couple, I cannot fathom what is objectionable about going to yoga with a friend. If she has a problem with it, she can make the connection that she chose that reality.
_________________________
Me-41
W-37
D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304

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#2229531 - 03/11/12 12:39 AM Re: Finding my way through the fog [Re: bustorama]
bustorama Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 519
Mmmm...yoga girl

_________________________
Me-41
W-37
D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304

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#2229533 - 03/11/12 01:04 AM Re: Finding my way through the fog [Re: nhmom]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
I hope deep down your W appreciates your help and support in her recovery. It must not have been easy to go through the scare of losing her, stepping in and showing her what unconditional love really means. I'm sorry that it didn't get her to open her eyes and appreciate what she has and what she's willing to give up. I commend you for giving support while being able to hear her talking to OM. You kept your compose and that's awesome! It's hard to keep these feelings inside (at least it is for me, and I would not have been able to keep my mouth shut - so you're way ahead of me there!)

Put's things in perspective. Feel awkward complaining about my simple sithc. 2pac, you are a machine my friend! Keep up the grown up thing...
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

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#2229535 - 03/11/12 01:11 AM Re: Finding my way through the fog [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
bustorama Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 519
Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky
I commend you for giving support while being able to hear her talking to OM.


Why is this commendable? He subjected himself to this. We shouldn't subject ourselves to situations that cross our boundaries, because it often leads to feelings of resentment, hurt or worthlessness. Those emotions are telling us something is crossing our boundaries (often ourselves).

I agree re: the care in the hospital and the EARLY days home, but the caretaking beyond that point was less about GIVING and more about trying to control her feelings (imo). 2tp said as much in saying he was disappointed.
_________________________
Me-41
W-37
D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304

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