Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 9 10
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 889
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 889
Hi 8anb,

Im glad you posted what DB coach said. First of all remember this is the HARDEST THING YOU WILL EVER DO OR GO THROUGH. Also in Divorce Remedy it talked about MLC and the patience that you will have to excercise. Patience is what I have been the most awful at....and it gets to all of us. Is it MLC or just an affair? It's hard to say. I base my xh as an MLC based on reading MLC for Dummies and so many similar comparisons with many friends here on the board. You can find the MLC of Dummies on the MLC thread. It's under MLC resources. It's a great read and comical....which helps ease the pain! However it fit 95% of what I witnessed my xh go through and act out as.

If you've offered to connect and he's not accepting it, that could be just taken as information right now. It's very hard to remain objective here in a sitch like this and not get your thoughts to carry you away. So right now he may not want to. Keep letting him know the door is open so to speak but carry on " as if" your life is going along ok with out him. Believe me he will take notice. It just may take him a while to accept offers or agree to come by the house for small things. Right now he's probably feeling very torn between you and OW.

10 months ago when xh left, this is how we were....like DB coach encouraged you to be. XH was the one that offered to come back to the house and help with things. He came over all the time to see the kids when I was at work. He text me all the time and acted like my friend like he hadn't in years. In the same breath filing for divorce and not telling me, yet inviting me over for dinner and an overnighter at his new apartment. Personally at that point I had enough of that crap and I put my foot down and started boundaries. I have 0 patience for cake eating. HE did NOT LIKE IT and he became very angry with me. Whether or not OW was waiting in the wings Im not sure, but it was when he got angry with me he made justifications and moved OW in 2 months after we separated.

It's so hard to make solid decisions in such an emotional time. But it's only you that can decide if you want to try and ride this out. Cake eating is huge with these MLCers.

Been following your posts a bit. I can identify with not having any real family around and I feel for you because this is the same sitch I am in. My closest and best friends live far away, as well as my only thriving relative which is my aunt. She's my mom now for the most part, for my real mom passed away 7 years ago. My grandma is still living, 92 and bed bound, with full dementia. Love her so much, but she's for the most part gone.
His family because my family, and of course xh was the one true friend I always thought I'd have, then this! JOY!

So I understand how it feels to be all alone. I also have two children, so Im doing this gig all myself 5 -7 days a week.

hang in there hun!


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 43
8
8anb Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
8
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 43
Quote: Right now he's probably feeling very torn between you and OW

Not sure I agree with this, h will call every 3 or 4 days just to check on our daughter and maybe ask about grandchild. h is extremely cold in conversations although i remain cheerful.

H called and left message yesterday and it sounded like a business call versus one to a friend, let alone a wife! right now, i am still trying to figure out what to do - stay or go? though i want my children to see marriage is worth fighting for.

In speaking with a pastor and someone who knows my h they seem to think it is an affair that just has to run its course and actually think that 6 months from now there should be some change that would help in what to do in this situation.

just really confused at this point, since my husband is my world and this has been by far the worst thing i have been through; just have to believe being with him for over 17 yrs has to be worth something and make him come to his senses!

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,609
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,609
Quote:
just have to believe being with him for over 17 yrs has to be worth something and make him come to his senses!


I feel for you, my W was everything for 20+...it was worth something, you know that, your H does know that somewhere inside, though he is probably hiding it away at the moment.

He has to come to his own senses, we cannot do that for them.

We can show that WE are better than we were, and show that the R will be better than before. And show this consistently over time. That is what we can control. And this is hard to accept (at least it was for me, being a habitual "fixer").

YOU are showing your children that M is worth something, that M and people are not disposable.

Someone else in another thread wrote this, I find it gets me through the tough days:

"Ever wonder if maybe...just maybe, you were chosen to deal with this because a greater power knows that inside...you can handle this?"

Let that sink in and strengthen you.
smile
T^2


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
YOu cannot make him come to his senses - he alone culd do that. However, if you want to try to save your M, don't do anything drastic, think it out, breathe and concentrate first on yourself.

Follow the 37 rules - they are a lifesaver.


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 330
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 330
Originally Posted By: Kimmerz

Cake eating is huge with these MLCers.





No Kidding! My W has eaten so much cake it's a suprise she hasn't gained 40 lbs! smile


M:35
W:33
M: 5 yrs.
Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10
D Final: 8/7/12
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,111
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,111
Did someone say cake?


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
D final 9/12
Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 4,060
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 4,060
Hi Banb! Sorry you're in this sitch, but there are many people who can help you here.

If the inviting your H to go out to lunch, or pick things up, etc. isn't working, then I would change course. Look, he's ensconced in an apartment, with a OW in her 20's, who hasn't had much life experience, still innocent to the ways of married life, with children, jobs, and the whole pile that goes with it. I am assuming that to him, this is fresh and different, and very appealing. And she probably thinks she's hit the jackpot with an older guy, who has money to spend ... on her. I am making a lot of assumptions, but since he's not communicating with you in any real fashion, I would say that he is infatuated with her at this point.

So, what to do? Not much you can do, except go dark, do not contact him unless it's to do with finances, business stuff or the children. Protect yourself re finances ... make sure he has no access to large amounts of money that he can spend on his OW. Give him space and time to make a fool of himself (I mean, 54 vs 21 ... she will have far more energy than him, and if she can cheat with him, a married man, I am sure she will have no problem cheating on him). Don't answer the phone if it's him ... you can text him later to find out if it's urgent. In the meantime, take care of you ... GAL, have fun, do not let this sitch get the better of you.

Whether this is MLC, only time will tell. Having an A with a young person could be one of them. Has he changed his clothing, work out more, hairstyle change, to fit in with her and a younger him. Was there a negative event recently? A death in the family, perhaps, or a change in career path? It takes time to get any clarity on that.

Take care, and good luck.


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 43
8
8anb Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
8
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 43
Well, since i do not see him i can only make assumptions myself. First, we have not discussed the finances but crunch time is coming, as h makes more than I and all the $ is needed to run the house we have; but i know i will have to provide some $ so he can live also.

As far as his appearance, no I do not think he has changed, toward the end of summer and last year he started to lose weight - now i know why. However, he was not working out or anything different and I can only guess it was the beginning of all the stress he has placed on himself.

Well, in speaking with a co-worker of his, h has no friends at work becuase they know what he is doing and has done not like they are friends of mine but don't like a man walking out on his family plus he has lied to everyone to include his mom and family.

At this point, like i said above, not sure what is going on - just would like the lies to stop as that would be a good step and possibly get some counseling. H currently lies and says he is being counseled by a baptist minister - yes, she not he is 21 and lives with h. With the position h has put himself in at work, i know that cannot be too wonderful as h also talks/texts ow all day - in what i have read and based on other comments this will/should/may get old - only time will tell.

As for a negative event recently i have come up with the following:
-h retired from military in 97
-i retired from military in 07
-father in law passed away May 09 - h spent much time with his mom helping take care of the house and father in law during this time as he had cancer and they live 5 hrs away.
-h's son went through drug rehab July 09, and because the relationship between me and the son was not good i failed to support h during this time; although i encouraged him to visit a couple of weekends. (the rehab was close to where we live)
- my daughter had grandson Feb 11 and went back to college Aug 11 in which we started full time care of grandson

it was in Oct 11 when h started to state there were issues with the marriage, but also though we were beyond counseling. this went on until h moved out 14 Feb 12 and into apt with ow.

not really sure what to think, as i have been told he is in a "me or selfish stage" and once he comes out of that then things will get better as they do not see it as mlc but just an affair.

h has defended ow to me saying no one knows the ow who is a good person - some would think differently:)
Through it all, i have remained positive, never say anything negative about h or ow and continue to pray they both come to their senses and see that family is important and that is where they need to be. ow has small child maybe 2-3 yrs with boyfriend she left for h.

praying for change everyday, several times a day:)

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 43
8
8anb Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
8
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 43
so, h called and did not answer then called back this afternoon and was upset that when d and myself passed him yesterday we did not wave (we were at a 4 way stop) and last weekend we did not speak to him first when we saw h at the store.

So, the conversation today was a bit frustrating as h was offended we did not acknowledge him and treated as if he were not there:( so sorry. When i stated i can not act the way i want as it will not be received by h he agreed - i proceeded to ask how does h want us to respond - and i do not recall if h answered or remained silent. nonetheless, the conversation ended and i had to meet h at part time job.

well, h looks really sad in eyes, and i asked how long we were to keep going this way - h responded not sure. again he seemed upset that i was not calling or pursuing him via text, phone, or e-mail - not sure but that sounds like a baby step - maybe things are getting to him even if so slightly - not really sure.

well, i will be cutting off further contact as we have nothing to talk about, although as coach suggested, i did mention coming over for dinner next weekend, and he stated he would check - this is the second attempt and if he does not accept i will continue no contact and look for another approach. i did give it a try as the coach asked:")

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 4,060
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 4,060
By your description, it may be a MLC, in which case, you might be in for a long haul. I would say, be patient, continue to do the non-pursuit. This seems to get him thinking. I think the OW wants someone to look after her and her child. Perhaps the exBF wasn't doing so? Pointless, wondering about all this, though. I'm just wondering how he expects you to act, given that he has left you, and now living with OW and her child. I don't see why you should pursue him, or beg him to come back. You're better than that.

You're doing well, for one so soon in this sitch.


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Page 4 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard