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#2229524 - 03/11/12 04:33 AM Re: Still trying to change!! [Re: DCSUK]
verycrazy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/11/06
Posts: 1567
Loc: somewhere out there...
You are becoming quite the Db pro, DCS.
Y'all have a lovely weekend.
vc

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#2229600 - 03/11/12 04:58 PM Re: Still trying to change!! [Re: verycrazy]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
DC- Just read this thread, didn't see a link to another one. Did you have one because I would like to read from the beginning.

My W moved out about 8 months ago and we have progressed into being pretty good friends. However, we recently had our first R talk in about 6 months a few days ago and she says she is thinking she wants to D.

I was quite dissapointed as I felt we have made great progress and were reconnecting but she says she just has a gut feeling that she can't be my W anymore. She says how happy she is that I am a better person and father and have changed so much for the better but she just thinks we're on different paths.

I am greatful that we are friendly and we have 3 kids so I know we will be intertwined somehow but my heart aches for that romantic loving relationship that I believe we could have.

Anyhow, your strength, resolve, and patience is remarkable. Please continue to share.

Best!!
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2229641 - 03/11/12 08:01 PM Re: Still trying to change!! [Re: sayitaintso]
DCSUK Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/07
Posts: 253
Thank you for your kind words, but believe me it has been a long hard road to get to where I am now

What I can say though, is don't be afraid of divorce, it's a word, I honestly don't know if I'm divorced or not?
I haven't heard from my solicitor for months, and have not seen any certification so who knows?
But I'm not bothered either way!!!

I love my "wife", and if I can spend the rest of my life with her without being married, I'd take it now!!

I read the books, it helped but I didn't learn, I had a lot of support and some harsh words on here, again it helped, but I still made mistakes, only time really helped me, also the clarity of not drinking made me understand things so much better!!

Another BIG moment was only recently when she told me, she will always love me, but I had to let her go her own way, make her own mistakes, this had to happen for us to ever become a couple again

It's hard, but I have to believe that one day she will know its me she wants, the only issue being is that maybe by that time, I might not want her???

But if I don't want her then I must be happy!!!

I think about her every hour of every day, but she doesn't dominate my life or any desicions I make anymore

Enjoy being free to do what YOU want!!

Take care and good luck

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#2229704 - 03/12/12 03:35 AM Re: Still trying to change!! [Re: DCSUK]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Thanks! The word divorce and the fact that she consulted a lawyer definitely scared me but like I told her, I respect and accept her for who she is and I do not want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me.

I am just going to do my best to give her time and space and be the best person I can be.

I have gone through phases where I don't think I want to be with her, or at least the person she is now, but I will continue to have hope for our future for myself and our 3 kids.

Drinking has previously been a problem for me as well so I do my best to not overuse as i know things are much better and clearer when i don't drink at all.

What do you feel helped you progress with the detachment the most, if anything?

Thanks again and please continue to update and share, it really helps people like myself.
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2229738 - 03/12/12 08:20 AM Re: Still trying to change!! [Re: sayitaintso]
DCSUK Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/07
Posts: 253
It's used time and time again on here, but getting a life is key!!!

I have my kids 3 nights a week, so I don't have massive amount of time on my own, but what I do have I use!!

I go to the gym 3-4 times a week, is been a great help and made me feel great, made me feel better, and boosted my confidence!!
When you go from benching 80kg to 140kg in 4 months, your waist line has dropped 4 inches, and your chest is bulging, you feel great, you also feel great about the fact your "wife" looks at you in a certain way!!!
It happened to me again last night when I took my son home, her eyes were popping out of her head, I don't say anything, just smile knowingly!!

1 other thing, which I know people are not sure about, but helped me, is female company

The confidence of knowing a lady wants to spend time with you, as a person, really helps and makes you feel good about yourself!!!

Confidence is everything, from how you look, feel, to who wants to be with you!!

When you are confident and happy, she will find you more attractive, and think "what if"??
That's where I am now I think??

She is thinking "what if", she just needs to decide !!!

Be positive and keep going

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#2229782 - 03/12/12 02:49 PM Re: Still trying to change!! [Re: DCSUK]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
I have my kids 3 nights/week as well and its tough wanting to GAL and wanting to read books, learn here and elsewhere, work out, maintain a clean and laundered house, and find some time to relax.

I have always worked out and been in very good shape so even though I am currently in and working on getting in the best shape of my life, their is not too drastic of a change for her to notice.

It is more for me anyway. I work out 3-5 times/week and am still a competitive basketball player. I do not feel good if I do not exercise regularly, physically or emotionally. She rarely if ever complimented me on my looks and I'm not expecting her to now.

If it doesn't work out with us maybe somebody else will appreciate it.

I have yet to experience any female company and to be honest I'm scared of that dynamic so I haven't actively searched for that.

Not sure if I'm scared that my W may find out and be happy that I've moved on as she has seemed to or scared if I do that it insinuates I'm done with her.

Definitely something to explore further.

Glad you have made such good improvements and your w is noticing, keep up the good work.
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2230100 - 03/13/12 09:25 AM Re: Still trying to change!! [Re: sayitaintso]
DCSUK Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/07
Posts: 253
If you do go down the path of having female company, do it for you, not for her or to get a reaction

If its just as friends, fine, there is nothing wrong with it, that's for you to decide

But you have said that she ha acknowledged your changes, she sees them and likes them, so just maintain then!!
Time is your friend now, it's all about maintaining it

See it as a test of yourself, If you have changed for you, and you like the changes, do it for you, if she's not interested, guess what, you'll still be happy!!

It's strange but it is a win win decision!!

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#2230138 - 03/13/12 01:46 PM Re: Still trying to change!! [Re: DCSUK]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
I have tried to make all my decisions based on a true desire to improve myself and not as a strategy or tactic to influence or manipulate my W's thoughts so I agree with you their about the female company.

I am more happy with myself now then I've ever been in my life and I will do my best to keep moving forward with or w/o her.

The current dilemma that is plaguing me is that most advice that I've recently receieved on here after a long post I put up about the recent talk I had w/ my w are suggesting I go dark and set more boundaries.

Right now we see each other every day and our kids come to my house after school and stay usually until after dinner and then go to her house if it his her night. If it is my night she will usually leave after dinner.

We have made a lot of strides in our communication which has always been an issue for us and I feel our friendship has blossomed again and we get along pretty well and share things and encourage each other, etc. (me probably more so than her)

8 months ago she was emotionally closed to me so I am greatful to be in this place now.


Anyhow, the fact that she feels she still wants to move for a divorce does cause concern and eventually I am going to want a romantic partner but I just don't feel its the right thing to do to tell her I need space and she shouldn't be over my house and we shouldn't talk or communicate as frequently.

She wants to remain good friends and although I'm not sure if I am going to be able to keep this just friends thing up forever, now does not feel like the time to tell her I need to move on w/ my life w/o her in my life so much.

Anyhow, thought I'd share with you since you seem to be in a situation where you are fostering friendship and less concerned with going dark, creating mystery, let her know what life is like w/o you, etc..

Thanks for listening!
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2230214 - 03/13/12 05:58 PM Re: Still trying to change!! [Re: sayitaintso]
DCSUK Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/07
Posts: 253
I'm in a very similar position to you, it's hard to go dark??

I don't know which is best?

If they don't see you, bit of mystery, etc, or they see you alot?

As long as your not contacting them, calling or texting, any contact is by them, then I don't see a problem with either?

You don't want to be totally available, but it does give them chance to see your changes

I honestly don't know which is best or has given the best results for people in the past, but I suppose every situation is different, so what works for you, may not work for someone else?

My situation is she wants me as a good friend,we both know we are attracted to each other, so in theory it should work out between us?
But who knows!!!!

Only time will tell??

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#2230556 - 03/14/12 06:43 PM Re: Still trying to change!! [Re: DCSUK]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
The constant overanalyzing of what I should and shouldn't do is maddening. Wish I would of "woke up" 10 years ago.

Please keep posting, you are a great resource!

Best of Luck!!
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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