it has taken a toll on me, and now, when i want some space, i don't know how to balance it out so that s doesn't get deeply affected by it because of my needs.
Do you want H to come and go at will? This is your house now. You don't have to be angry or rude about it, just something like: "H, I have a very busy life and would ask that you call and arrange a time to visit S."
S will deeply affected if Mom is always sad or on edge due to issues with H. H's relationship with his son is his responsibility. Really. You don't get in the way of it but it's not your job to create it.
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he has definitely "warmed " towards me - but is that a good sign or is it that he just feels more comfortable with what he's doing.
Mind-reading, not worth your time. Open the window and throw that out, too.
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he is adamant that it's better if he doesn't come back because "look how well you are doing since i left" and that freaks me out .
He may not come back no matter what you do, that's the sad truth. That's why we act as if and GAL.
Sit with the pain of him not coming back and decide what your life would look like then; live that life now.
As ces said, this is not linear. You will have absolutely horrible days and a few days with good times sprinkled in. Then the good times will increase and turn into good days here and there and then the good days will outnumber the bad days. Believe me, it will happen.
But if you give up now, you will be stuck. The only way through this, is through it, step by painful step.
As some of the vets on here say, stop looking over your shoulder to see if he's following. Just keep moving toward that strong, independent woman you want to be.
H will be able to catch up if he wants to.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
sorry it took so long to get back to you - have had an extremely busy 3 days - busy dithering and agonizing and going back and forth on my latest biggest GAL - and was it a WHOPPER for me, and now that i've finally done it - it wasn't that hard to actually do - but am dealing with the effects of it for myself - will explain that part in my journaling post after replying to yours
a reminder that I am again placing expectations on others for my actions rather than focusing on what I expect of myself and for myself.
i woke up the next morning after my last post, and realized exactly this - and then read your reply - you are so right and on the mark, and once i got it that that is what has made it so difficult - it was a relief to be able to STOP doing it
it may be that your expectations aren't getting met from H and therefor your efforts are exhausting you with no reward.
this is bang on the mark, and i am actively making and feeling the shift away from that - NO EXPECTATIONS on any level
You're really doing better than you think.
yes i am aren't i? and i really have to SEE that for myself - and encourage and acknowledge my own baby steps first, before anything else.
thank you so much for your insight and encouragement. because of what you wrote, i am able to become more aware of this expectation thing and start to work on it.
the expectations simply have to stop - the only thing that i can expect and work towards is what i want and see for myself only.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
As some of the vets on here say, stop looking over your shoulder to see if he's following. Just keep moving toward that strong, independent woman you want to be.
i copied this out and read it several times a day, and say it to myself all the time . thanks labug - once again, you come through in a big way for me.
and about the mind reading and analyzing - there has been a BIG shift in my mind during the last few days, and i am starting to stop doing it - i guess that's another way of saying when i start to do it, i recognize what i'm doing and then put it out the window.
that damn window is being opened and slammed shut ALOT these past few days!!!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
so that's quite the GAL i did yesterday and today.
as a preface, just to point out what a big deal it was for me - for the last 5 years after the accidents, i developed a real deep fear of going out, and especially if it was to do something unfamiliar. traveling had become a complete nightmare and because of the fear (which was not unfounded - the triggers were terrible) of spasming i had become extreme about not committing myself to anything whatsoever. we did take a trip last spring which was really difficult for me physically and a nightmare for H.
since the sitch started, i have done a ton of things which i hadn't done all these years - mostly outings with friends which were a huge deal when i started, because everyone who knew me couldn't believe i was doing so well
so finally i met my biggest challenge today, and drove myself, on my own, to the airport an hour away from where i live, got on a plane by myself and went to visit my parents.
i was trashed - by the time we got to their house - the flight was harder on me than i realized - but no wheelchair, no assistance, no getting so overwhelmed that i couldn't handle anything, no terrible spasms - and it was wonderful,
but it took me 2 whole days of going back and forth and putting myself through the wringer mentally before i could book that ticket - and i only booked it yesterday!! then i emailed h and told him that i was leaving the next morning and s would be with mil.
incidentally today , he flew back here from his trip and arrived a few hours after i left. FIRST time that i am not just here like always.
i know it has affected him deeply - he didn't acknowledge what i had told him (and he knows what a huge deal it is for me to even consider traveling) when he emailed me back.
his mom and s picked him up from the airport, and i talked to her later - and she told me that he kept asking her every detail about it, especially why had i chosen today, the day he gets back) to travel. he was amazed that i drove myself to the airport and flew on my own
then he did another unexpected thing. while i was skyping son this evening with my mom - he came on the skype to wish my mom happy b'day, and actually spoke to her - first time in seven months.
mil told me afterwards that when he moved away from the computer he was struggling really badly. i know that's about how terrible he feels about what he's doing and he hasn't been able to face my parents.
but what i saw was him doing what was for him an extremely brave and courageous thing to do - i know (because i know him) how hard that was for him to do, and he didn't have to come and say that , he could have avoided it altogether,, but he didn't
i want to acknowledge this to him - i want to tell him that it was amazingly brave what he did and that it meant alot to me and to my mom. i think what really got to him (and btw, h and my mom have always adored each other) was when she said i really wish you and s were here
any thoughts on that?
how can anyone be this utterly tortured and still keep doing what they are doing?
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
am feeling it acutely since i left that they are fine without me - and i miss being "needed". but it's also back to how someone pointed out to me that my ego has to let go of trying to be the one who keeps everything going and keeps trying to fix everything.
i'm ruminating alot on the fact that a big part of "letting go" includes not trying to fix the relationship - and since my mind has been on that so fixedly for so long (even before the sitch) it's an old habit that is very hard to break
as labug says to me - stop looking over my shoulder -
i was reading about letting go and allowing, and it talked about how we stand in the way of what we want by clinging to old beliefs and craving things that are in fact now part of the past, and how that holds us in such a stuck narrow place.
i'm almost fascinated by how, in spite of all this knowledge, my mind still keeps clinging to "what i want"
and from a very sudden compassionate point that i just reached while writing this - i realized that in my last post, i moaned about how can someone keep doing what h is doing when he is so agonized - and it suddenly hit me - well i'm doing exactly the same thing - letting myself stay agonized IN SPITE OF knowing that if i let go i will have peace of mind.
so with all my new found awareness here, and i can't do it so easily - how can i expect him to even start?
wow -
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
and from a very sudden compassionate point that i just reached while writing this - i realized that in my last post, i moaned about how can someone keep doing what h is doing when he is so agonized - and it suddenly hit me - well i'm doing exactly the same thing - letting myself stay agonized IN SPITE OF knowing that if i let go i will have peace of mind.
Great insight.
Have you done tonglen?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
yes i have done tonglen - and right when i read your question, i got a shock - i was doing it everyday for the first 5 months and was doing so much better, and now i realized that i stopped doing it about 2 months ago and that's when all the anger and resentment and expectations started rising -
well, figures - time to start that again, don't you think.
i was sort of aware of it the last couple of weeks, and even though i've been listening to some of pema's tapes, i had stopped reading the books, and in fact that's what i took on the plane with me - "the wisdom of no escape"
thanks for being so supportive and coming to read my thread so consistently, labug - i am really touched:) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
had a long chat with h this evening when i called to say goodnight to s.
we've had so little contact for over 2 weeks, and i know he wanted to talk and so instead of being quick with him, i allowed it.
i took the opportunity to let him know how much i appreciated him connecting with my mom last night on skype, i told him that i thought it might have been really difficult for him and that it touched me to see him do it in spite of that. he said "you know i love your mom and i feel so bad about this" and i said that it didn't matter and that my mom was really touched also
i can't help thinking this was a baby step - his feeling things out in some way..
the rest of the conversation got easier and easier. we had to discuss some tax stuff and i had to tell him that the woman who handles our finances knew about our separation (she's also a close friend of his family, she doesn't know about the A) and that she was required to know - he was obviously uncomfortable about that and tried to hide it by talking in some muddled way about how then if she knew, she would have to handle the decisions differently - i'm not sure what he was getting at, because what he said didn't make any sense at all - but instead of pushing it, i asked if s was in the room and he said yes, and i just said, let's talk about it later ( i couldn't help noticing that he kept saying our money and our stuff instead of "your money" etc)
they are leaving in the morning and we talked a bit about that, and also about some work stuff of his - i offered in a really friendly manner that i could help him with an application that is due on the 31st - and congratulated him warmly - he had been nominated for some pretty fancy work thing which would be great for him.
i just feel in my gut that the more i am just open, warm and friendly the better it is for us - it is my grand 180 - in the past everything would make me grouchy,, and here inspite of all i am not being that person
what's great is that i am learning that i can be this wonderful person in spite of this situation, and that i can be open and warm and still protect myself and make boundaries as i need them
heck i sound so good, even I wouldn't want to leave me (big fat determined grin)
no but seriously, i am so fed up with all the tension that he holds up as a wall between us - so sick of always being calm and cheerful while he walks around looking so damn miserable, that when we all get back from our trips next week, i am going to simply tell him to bloody well lighten up.
today it is finally getting through to me that the best thing i did for myself right now was to get away from there for a few days. it's starting to feel good now - and it's great to be with my family.
sadly my father is progressing rapidly w/alzheimers and it has been disconcerting to see how much he has aged and how much care he needs. i mentioned to h that it was difficult for mom and i to go out, because he couldn't be left alone and h was shocked - how come i don't know about what's going on with your dad -i wanted to say because you haven't been here, and how could i share the pain of that with you - but instead i just said casually that i'd talk to him about it later.
so it's really nice to be able to spend time with my dad, while he's still a little here - can't help thinking about losing the connection with both him and h around the same time. sad times...
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
mil told me of a conversation with her and s after i left on sunday to go visit my parents
mil: shall i read your horoscope
s: yes
mil: it says "someone close to you has changed alot. keep your heart and mind open to those changes, etc" . s, who could that be in your life?
s: (my name), of course
mil: how do you feel about those changes?
s: it's amazing, it's wonderful. she is really different now
YIPPEE someone at least - has noticed, and it's one that i love tremendously and is very close to my heart. my heart just filled with joy, when i heard what he had said, and all the pain and squeezing through feels so worth it. i feel just a bit lighter today.
of course it helps that i am a couple thousand miles away, and am taking a break from the mess!!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
