am i on the right track??? part 2

[zig]

bring on the cans, and the opener - i am so ready to just deal with everything and get past all that has been so cumbersome all my life.

as for those ditches - well, i am starting to think that this ditch i'm in ain't such a bad place to be after all - i can't help but thank the h for waking me up to all of this and giving me a great chance to unburden my past.

i did the same as your sister - really stayed away from family and only really kept in touch with my mom. going down last week was a huge thing for me - same old craziness, but this time, at least for me, a lot of healing. will be interesting to see how it plays out fro my brother who is definitely dealing with some huge issues, and is in the same place emotionally and mentally as the WAS's here

i'm sorry that you have to have it confirmed from others that your wife has "reverted" in a way. wonder if that's a common thread in these ditches too - this sort of reverting to a child state and acting out something there (the mlc lit definitely talks about that)

take care
zig

[zig]

i really need some advice on my switch
the week before h left i really forced the issue about us starting to go to counseling for s (not take s, at first, but just h and i go).

at the time, i was really worried about s and thought it was the best thing to do - also pressured a lot by both h's mom and my mom about it.

now i'm realizing that i was forcing h to do and agree to something he doesn't want to do or agree with.

what should i do?

during IC before my trip, t said she didn't think i was ready for the counseling with h about s and the appointment should be cancelled or postponed.

if i do cancel it - how should i put it to him?

thinking about saying something along the lines of - i realized i wasn't really listening to you at the time when you were trying to say that you don't agree about going, and i realize that there's no point to go if you're not ready too. also after discussing it with my counselor, who pointed out to me that i have a lot of stuff to work through that i am not in a position myself to deal with any of it.

i feel like a blew some of the rules big time, back there - because i was going on about we need to figure out how to move forward in this.

or should we just go, and me not do anything?

could really use some help here

thanks
zig

[ces67]

If your H feels forced to go to C, then maybe its best to cancel. Your statement above about going is good. I would just leave it at the part about validating his feelings and leave off what your IC said. Focus on the fact that you are trying to hear him. If it comes up, you can share the part about what your IC said about you but keep it short.

My W and I went to counseling after we moved here. She had said we needed to before the move and I agreed. As we went to sessions it was obvious that she was not engaged. Finally our MC called it out and said it was like going to piano lessons but never practicing between lessons. I was pretty upset about it. She turned it that I was forcing her to go. That was this past Sept or Oct. when I cancelled all our sessions. I've not brought it up sense and neither has she.

So my experience is if the WAS isn't ready, it won't do much good anyway. But give hime the option, not the "out". See what he says and be OK with either answer. Good luck.

[finding nemo]

Zig,

I am fairly new here and certainly no expert, but I would keep your info short and sweet. For instance, maybe now is not the best time to go to C. What do you think, H?

Giving him info about what your IC says to you during T isn't going to help you. And if your H is anything like my H, the more I talk (the more words I use), the less he actually listens and hears what I say.

Good luck!

[zig]

HELP!

I really need some advice right now - are there any vets around who could chime in? i'm trying not to sink into panic mode, and i'm actually calm too, but

Do these words mean something one way or the other?

h "we don't know where each of us stands - i don't know where you stand and you don't know where i stand"

me "well do you want to tell me where you stand?"

h "i don't want to get into that conversation right now, it's late and s has to go to bed"

i'm thinking - he's either going to tell me that he wants a divorce and ow is moving from her state to live w/ him here, or he's moving down there (worst case)

or - he wants to move back in and make it work

does him wanting to know where i stand MEAN anything or am i reading way too much into those words.

why would he want to know where i stand?

[zig]

just remembered - he actually said - "i know where i stand, but i would guess you don't know where i stand"

i replied that yes its true i don't know where you stand - but i'm pretty sure i know where i stand and then i asked if he wanted to tell me where he stood

he didn't try to ask me where i stood on the issue

[labug]

It could mean anything-have no expectation and wait to see what he says.

[zig]

thanks labug

i'm actually quite calm - i just realized that either of those options and i'll be okay. i'm not quaking with fear as i thought i was going to - just quiet - am i in shock of expecting him to say the worst?

i have to put son to bed and then i can come back and post about what the therapist said today which did shock me and maybe i'm a bit numb with that

i'm quietly tired - between the events of last week with my family, taking care of s while he's been sick and being quite sleep deprived, i just feel a bit down and tired.

[MrBond]

labug is right.

If he does tell you, then validate his feeling that way. It doesn't mean that you agree with his POV, just the fact that he feels that way and has a right to.

If he starts saying something about how you SHOULD be feeling (in his mind) politely tell him that you have a right to feel how you do as much as he does. And they don't have to match.

[labug]

Being overly tired and stressed always does me in. I'm much more emotional and operate from my lizard brain.