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#2229051 - 03/09/12 12:36 AM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: rickb89]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
GB, I should have backed off. He kept trying to leave and I stood in the doorway, literally and figuratively. It was bad. What you said about driving him to cheat because he'll feel he has nothing to lose makes a lot of sense. In MC he brought up that I've always called him a liar. He just started believing that's all he could be. I wouldn't believe him anyway, so why not? I definitely can't do that anymore. Our C had us agree to not call each other names anymore. To not tell each other what they are. I used to threaten to leave. He never did. Then he actually did leave, and just threatened it a few days ago. We need to agree to not say that unless we mean it wholeheartedly. Sorry about all of this jumbled into one paragraph! I've had a hell of a day (not related to J).

Rick, no, I haven't. I will, though! Maybe there will be techniques that can help me. He didn't technically cheat. He left for many reasons, and attraction to OW was one of them. I believe it was the catalyst. Another person often is.
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

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#2229147 - 03/09/12 10:49 AM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: Jenna333]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Jenna - there's more than one way to cheat...and I'm not saying that to rile you up. What I mean is that if you feel betrayed by J's OW sitch, then the cheating chapter can help. BTW, I know this from experience. I don't think my wife got down with the OM, but there is a certainly an EA. All of it is the same thing in the end.

You're fortunate. Your both young, and you have the opportunity to grow beyond something that so many of us are dealing with in our 30's and 40's. It blows, trust me. You get past this trust issue, and you are way ahead of many.

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#2229293 - 03/09/12 07:09 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: rickb89]
greenblue90 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/11
Posts: 685
Jenna
Blocking someone's path is a pretty strong action. It's no surprise he used the WAS card.

For the longest time I couldn't deal with my W stepping off. So I'd similarly pursue her as we yelled at each other. Now if she walks I let her. We both use the time to calm down. (Arguing while angry is very counterproductive anyway). It also reinforces the notion that she is free to walk if she so chooses. That I want to be with her but I'm not going to force her.

If the issue is really that important we can discuss it once we both calm down.

I wouldn't be surprised if him walking trigger feelings of abandonment in you. By you chasing him you are putting him in the position of advantage.

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#2229310 - 03/09/12 08:49 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: greenblue90]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
Yes, I see that. Our C told us that taking a breather while fighting is a very healthy and helpful thing to do. Take an hour, few hours, and if it's severe enough, a night apart. Gives us time to clear our heads, to miss each other, and to remember *why* we love each other.

But yes, I do struggle with the abandonment trigger.

We've had a great past couple of days. It faltered a little this afternoon when I bright up establishing boundaries when it comes to going out separately. I feel that it's just something that needed to happen. I don't want us to have different ideas about what's ok. The latest he can be home is 4am. Ugh, that is so late. But he doesn't get off work until around midnight, so I guess it makes sense.

I refuse to control him anymore, but I also refuse to be disrespected! I did bring up not bring ok with hanging out with the OW (I hate even calling her that) in any way. I mentioned it because he's a server at a restaurant. Sometimes they all hang out together at a bar or a house after work. He said he knows that I wouldn't be ok with that and feels like I don't trust him. He cannot eclectic me to trust him overnight! I am starting on that road. He said he thought I wouldn't bring her up anymore. I barely did. I just said I wouldn't be ok Ruth her bring around him anywhere but at work. If the situation were reversed, I *know* he'd feel the same way.

Heavy stuff. I feel like it didn't have to be. I don't think it's controlling to establish boundaries. I was so worried he'd see it that way. He kept getting defensive and then would calm down and say he's not used to this. He's used to us having zero respect for each other, do he's trying to not see the boundaries as a control tactic. It's frustrating.

So yeah, he won't be home until 4am. Yippee. At least I know he's hanging out with a coworker that likes me. I went into the restaurant as they were closing the other night after I got out of school (going on 11pm). This coworker told J that I'm a very good looking lady, lol! Not in front of me. J told me later at home. Said coworker also told J in front of me that he needs to get a ring on my finger wink
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

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#2229311 - 03/09/12 08:51 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: Jenna333]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
Ugh, autocorrect had a blast with my last post. Sorry about that.
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

Top
#2229434 - 03/10/12 01:59 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: Jenna333]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
We made love this morning after talking about how his night out went, and then I took a shower. As I was getting out, he came into the bathroom and sat down. He said, "I can't do this anymore. I have something to tell you." I freaked out. Asked him if he cheated on me. Asked him if he hung out with her frown He said no. He said when he called his friends to see where they were, they told him the strip club. He said he wasn't going to go, but they convinced him to by saying that the club and bar weren't near each other, so it wouldn't even be like he was in a strip club. He went and said he could see the stage from the bar and was pissed off and wanted to leave. His buddy had a stripper all over him, but J had a beer and they left after 20mins. He didn't even go to strip clubs during our split. He's not into them. 

I'm upset that he lied. He said he wanted to tell me and knew he was going to, it was just a matter of when. He said he felt like he was chipping away at his integrity, and when he looked at himself in the mirror, he knew he couldn't keep anything from me. 

It's not the strip club that bothers me too much. It he had a stripper on him, then yeah, but just sitting at the bar? Whatever. It's the LIE by omission that hurts me to the core. I told him that I know what I'm worth and I refuse to live like that anymore. He said he doesn't want to lie to me and this proves it; that he told me. 

Blahhhh. It's the lie. Being lied to is a horrible feeling. I don't care what the lie was about. The lie itself causes so much damage. I hope he won't lie anymore. Every time something like this happens, it makes it harder for me to relax and trust him. How could it not? He's had 'breakthroughs' like this in the past, where he'd come to me and tell the truth. It never lasted long. I hope this time's different. That's all I can do...hope.
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

Top
#2229441 - 03/10/12 02:36 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: Jenna333]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Jenna....listen to an older guy who has lived this. You two are not going to solve your relationship world over night. These things take time but I like that both of you are getting things out and working on them. Don't take these sitches as losses or fails...they're good for you both.

And BTW he had big ones to tell you what happened. My hats off to him. Its not easy to bring that up and admit because most chicks can't handle strip club safaris. Take it from me, he really didn't want to go (believe it or not a lot of guys find strip clubs as low life... and no that doesn't mean they're gay or wimps) and if he bailed on his buds then he would get derided.

As far as trust Jenna, and you need to think this thru...if you and him need to have this fifty page guide book of what is and isn't over the line...then you probably haven't learned to trust in a R. You have to let each other decide who and what sex people you befriend and trust each other to live up to the commitment. Trust me, my W could not trust ever, and had no reason from me to feel that way, and its costing her her H and children. You're a really top notch woman, but there always room for growth in all of us.

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#2229486 - 03/10/12 07:51 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: rickb89]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
Rick, thanks for the response. I just feel so off today.

I can't seem to shake this. He just left for work. We hardly spoke all day. He would try, and I just feel numb, so I wouldn't say much. He's going out again after work. Woo hoo. Except this time he is only going to make an appearance. I have to trust that he will be where he says he'll be. I hate this [censored]! I never wanted to feel how I felt in the old relationship again. 

I feel like I'm making a huge deal of this. Too big of a deal. He went to a strip club and stayed for 20mins. Didn't even look at the strippers (I do believe him on that), and yeah, he left the strip club part out when he told me about going out, but a little bit later came to me completely on his own to tell me. He was pissed at his friend for going there when he told him before that he wouldn't go to the strip club. He said he actually told his friend that he felt like he was compromising his integrity and didn't like it. He told me that he's rethinking hanging out with this particular coworker. This guy talks a lot of crap. He was literally telling J to hit him. He plays the tough guy act. J is a big man. 6'4 and 260lbs. He said he got fed up with him and hit him. He broke his favorite watch. So damn immature!

I just have to trust that he really feels different this time, like he says. 

I'm weirded out that I feel numb. I don't think I'd be making *as* big a deal about this if I didn't feel completely closed off. 
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

Top
#2229503 - 03/10/12 09:21 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: Jenna333]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Okay Jenna...I want you to try this. Whenever you feel anxious...accept it...recognize the feeling. Then consciously make an effort to breathe slowly and deep. Then, don't say anything...just hug J. Just keep doing that. Don't explain anything...just learn to replace the anxiety with something pleasurable and a simple act...but don't say why or you break the feeling.

The point is you shouldn't have your feelings be based on occurences...occurences should be based on feelings. What I mean is that most of live backwards. You feel a certain way because of what happens and think that's the way the world works.

In reality, which is unseen, it's truly the opposite. What you feel attracts occurences. If you learn to replace your anxiety with a good feeling...you will attract good occurences...not the bad shitt.

I have a lot of faith in you...like anyone you need to know that certain life skills tools exist...and then learn to use them.

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#2229511 - 03/10/12 09:40 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: rickb89]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
I understand what you're saying. It's like with DBing, our positive changes (hopefully) attract our spouse. Even if they don't, WE decide how to feel, and to not let occurrences control our feelings. PMA attracts positive changes.

Thanks!

You know, I didn't question J about what he did last night when we were talking about his night out this morning. That was a 180 for me. We had a nice time talking and hanging out. He could feel it. He was being so lovey with me. That's when I think the guilt got to him and instead of burying it deep inside himself like he used to do, he came to me and told me the truth. My positive attitude and changes affected him, and he wanted to do what his better, changed self would do.
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

Top
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