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Honestly, I think you're in a way better position than I was when everything starting crashing down for me. I have just recently learned of all these skills and perspectives about a month ago. So throughout the entire last six months I was doing EVERYTHING wrong. I was writing my own future and it didn't involve my H because everything I was doing was because I wanted it. I wanted him to see MY point of view and see how much HE was hurting me.

So the fact that you've come here and already have the knowledge of how to proceed with this in a non-destructive way is leaps and bounds from where you could be.

I hope any of what I'm saying is helping. I am very new to DBing but believe in it 100% because it wasn't until I started implementing the skills that I actually started to feel a lot better about myself and where I'm going with my life. H may follow or he may not. But I'm going to work my hardest to like myself either way.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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I LOVE THAT QUOTE!! Thank you sooo much for that!


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
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Posts: 283
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Thank you so much for your insight! I am trying to give him his space and be the best person I can around him, but it's so hard when I do feel this hurt and pain. I do think I play the victim part in my head and am trying not to play it when I am around him. Hopefully during our next date, I will be completely bubbly and happy to be around him, because in all honesty, I am happy to be around him and see him! I just want him to be happy, too!


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
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I feel the worst in the mornings. I wake up and try to think "Today is going to be a great day!" But, then I realize life is not what I want it to be and this is not where I wanted to be and that I didn't put myself in this situation. I know that I am in control of how I feel and react to things, but I can't shake these feelings sometimes. I just get 'down' and don't really know how to pull myself up because there is such a HUGE void I am feeling in my heart! It literally hurts!

I talked to my DB coach last night and she makes me feel better, saying that I am doing a great job and trying to be positive when I'm around my H and that this will take time. I quite honestly HATE how much time this could possibly take and it hurts me and makes me mad that the outcome of our M is mostly in the hands of my H and I'm just waiting to see if I'm the ONE he loves...while he figures out why he is sooo unhappy with all aspects of his life. I know I do have the choice to walk away at any point because he did have a PA with someone and that goes against my morals and values. We always told each other that the only reasons we would divorce would be cheating, alcoholism, and abuse. Now that my H has cheated on me, I don't know why I can't just walk away, because I know in my heart and my mind that I deserve someone that would NEVER do this to me, because I would NEVER do that to him!

Thanks for letting me vent!


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Mornings are hard for many of us around here. Don't fight the sadness, fear, anger accept your feelings as a part of you but then move on.

It does get easier. When I get in that place of wanting to control the sitch, my H, I just keep repeating, "I can only control myself. What H does, H does. I can only control myself." And then I work at being the person I want to be regardless if he's in my life or not.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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I should keep reminding myself of that. Thank you for the insight!

LaBug, so you're husband has been out since last march? Have you seen improvements in your R over the year? I just wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel...


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Originally Posted By: stephanie111

LaBug, so you're husband has been out since last march? Have you seen improvements in your R over the year? I just wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel...


I've seen improvements is me.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 568
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Originally Posted By: labug
Originally Posted By: stephanie111

LaBug, so you're husband has been out since last march? Have you seen improvements in your R over the year? I just wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel...


I've seen improvements is me.


labug is right, reminding myself that I can only control me and my choices really does help.

I've seen it in you too labug smile You seem stronger every day!!


-Autumn

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That is great! I wish I could see the improvements in myself right now. I know I try to be a better person when I am around my H and even when I am not around him, but it's harder when I'm around him.

You are a very strong person! smile


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
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Posts: 283
I do have to do more to detach myself from my H, but now I feel it's harder at times, because we are going on dates and seeing each other. It's hard because he still doesn't know if he wants to be with me, but I guess all I can be is the best me and if that's not good enough for him, then it will be better for me...right?


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
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