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Ctflor Offline OP
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I want to so much. The memories of his lies, the EA, has this small grip on me. It used to have a BIG grip. I know I will get there, it's going to take me time.

He has been very emotional lately, I notice that he breaks down and cries so much more lately. This worries me some, but I have to stand back and allow him his process.

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Back and forth with my emotions a bit, but they are not as intense as they were. So glad my anger is not as horrible as it was. It is a relief, as I was worried that it was not going to let up. Praying a lot.

I feel so glad that H and I can talk with each other, and we are sharing more than ever, about our feelings.

But a part of me still has that worry deep inside.

Is he really being honest? Is he playing a game? Is he with me until someone better comes along?

And the list goes on. A lot of this is my self esteem talking too.

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Ctflor Offline OP
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Going to MC is turning out to be a good thing for the both of us.

We finally touched on the porn issue, and got to the bottom of it all. H told me that after our d was born, in the first few months of very very little sex, stress of a new baby, his job, etc, that he turned to porn to relax.

Then, he turned to it again last winter of 2011, and was viewing it up to his EA, through the EA, and then it stopped when everything blew up.

He told me that he felt so disconnected from me, and that not having sex enough, made him feel alone, depressed, and that he had a desire to be closer to me but didn't know how to ask for more sex without coming off as some jerk or as if he were pressuring me.

I have multiple sclerosis and I have had often had periods of time where I'm in pain in my legs, arms, and having optic neuritis and to be honest, sometimes, sex just does not happen for periods of time. The longest..... being a month.

He's totally understanding of those periods of pain .... and has been willing to wait it out for me, but, sometimes, sex is not happening when I DO feel better...

Sometimes, I just don't feel like it... due to how I'm feeling, stress, or other things taking place.

It's interesting now because .... it's out in the open and we are discovering ways and coming up with ideas to make ML more comfortable for me, when I'm in the mood, but feel inhibited by some soreness in my legs.

he is learning that it is important to come to me and tell me his needs and wants without worrying.... having some really good talks about this. Most times he's afraid of hurting me, or making my pain worse.

I'm happy that we are connecting again, and feeling each other on that deep level that has been missing for so long. It's taking some work on both of our sides, but it doesn't feel forced. It just feels natural... and I can feel his heart again.

I wake up sometimes feeling this panic that I'll lose this. I'll lose the happy time that we seem to be entering together. It scares me. I'm back and forth from feeling happy to feeling fearful and insecure.

I'm really surprised by where we are right now as a couple, because I never thought we'd be here. I'm trying to relax and allow him back into my heart. He has continued to express his strong desire to be with me, and to make things work again, and to not repeat the mistake again.

Hard to believe it completely, and hope that we will be okay.

It took an EA for us to be this close again... I don't know what to think about that.

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I am so happy for you, CTflor. You seem to be more calm and peaceful now. I know your fear, I am going through the same thing. And its true, me and H go through periods where I feel really happy, and I can see he does go through those as well. Then we have times where we are more distant, then sometimes triggers come in for me and I feel angry and want to start up a fight. This morning I felt that way, but managed to stop before any harm could be done.

I am thinking that because of what we have gone through, we tend to be so observant of everything we feel. Its OK for now, as we do need to monitor to avid major breakdowns. But in the long run, we have to learn to be carefree again....


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
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Ctflor Offline OP
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Ah Angel, having a little back slide.

WHY can't OW just be GONE from my mind? I want her gone from my thoughts! She's in a whole other country, but I feel the need to sometimes just peek in to see what she is doing. Sometimes my anger at her comes back.

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Its OK, CTflor.

I am too... today is xOW's bday (call her x so that in your mind she is a part of yesterday). Although in her country, she celbrated yesterday. I couldn't help it, I have been so curious about whether H greeted her or not. But I will hold my tongue. Especially since.....

H is leaving for a business trip to her country tomorrow. He will be staying there for 4 days 9its really far, 30 hrs from the US).

At least he will be traveling with his boss. So thats good, he might not be able to get away too much. Actually, I don't even know if she is there, according to my spy she hasn't heard yet if she is there or not.

Again, I could only trust and pray. And not do anything befor ehe leaves to make our sitch bad.

So whatever I feel, even if I am seething inside, outwardly I try to be all sweetness and light.....


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
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Posts: 330
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Ctflor Offline OP
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You're right. Time to call her Xow. I was thinking of you today and wondering how things were going for you once your H left for his trip. He should be back by now?

I've been too busy with school to worry about Xow. Had a big final this week to study for, and h really helped me out by cleaning, cooking, and taking care of D's needs for the past few days smile

His mood has been pretty good. The other night he was dancing in the kitchen with D, and smiling and laughing. This was the way H was before all of the summer stuff hit. It made me so happy to see him happy. He seems to have a little peace back inside of him.

I think that I'm making progress, because 2 months ago I wouldn't have been happy for his happiness. I was too angry with him back then to care about his happiness. I feel that this is changing.

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Hi Ctflor, thanks for the thought! I am doing OK! To be honest, I am still distrustful, and have been snooping though (I know, I am not supposed to....) but so far, it seems like he has not seen xOW, and also,it doesn't seem like she is going to be hired back by the cpmpany in the near future.

I also tell myself though that even if he did, I will just back off and let him figure it out for himself. Cyrena told me in a previous post that in her case, it too her H 6-12 months to realy let go of xOW intellectually, even during the time that he was working for their M. They have this fantasy where they want it all - a happy M, while still holding on to the "good" memories of the EA and still not fully admitting their fault or how much they hurt. You ae lucky, actually your H seems to have come around and admitted that to himself early on, not like mine.
My H is the type who never apologizes, who is never wrong. I have to really look beyond words to know when what he is really saying to me, through his actions.

Ct, that is really nice that you are starting to value your H happiness, yu are really learniong to love, and he seems to really have a good heart....

Have you read love dare yet? I really, really advise you to do so. I thought Ioved H, but when I read that book I realized that I just "felt" that I loved him, but did not really do so, in a sense that I looked more inwardly to see how he was making me happy, rather than really caring for his happiness!

I hope you are still on track for the Retrouvaille! I will be attending the first post session as we missed that, H has already agreed that we do need to go to complete it!


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
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Posts: 330
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Ctflor Offline OP
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I haven't read the love dare yet... we are finishing up with the five love languages. What a good book this has been.

I haven't really updated much because things are moving slowly, but in a good direction. I'm back and forth, inside some times. H is very much on board with healing our marriage and has continued his efforts, and that makes me feel happy, yet at the same time I'm still frightened that at any moment, it's all going to go away again. I find myself pulling away at times. I want to protect myself.

H wrote me a letter telling me about how he felt last summer, and what he wants now, and that he wants "forever" with me. I feel blessed, and I feel happy..... but that frightened feeling overshadows this.

You are right Angel.... I'm very lucky he woke up as quickly as he did, as I see many people who can go through this for years, or the spouse just never returns at all. I'm know I'm lucky that my H is here.

My H told me during our last MC session that what made him wake up was the night I told him to go. We were in the garage and he was being nasty to me, spewing. He told me that being married and being here was like being in prison. I told him that in prison the locks are on the outside of the door, but here, they are inside and he is welcome to go at any time, and that I would never hold him here.

He said he realized that night, after I told him to just go.... that he was faced with the idea of really doing it, of really leaving me and our D behind and he said in that moment he knew he didn't want to do that and began to work on his feelings inside and came to some realizations.

My H still refers to the time period last summer as being "his crazy time" or "I went nuts".

You know... I know that is true but I'd rather him not continue to put himself down. Does that sound crazy? lol

It's something he went through..... it was valid, it happened... and he worked through it as it was meant to be.

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Jeez! Forgot to talk about another thing... going through a health scare.

After completing a round of keflex (which I've taken most of my life), I noticed 3 red bumps on the back of my leg one day. Didn't think much of them until they grew a bit bigger and became like blisters. Put some aloe on them and the next day I had more... then the next day they were on my other leg, on the back side. And they were starting to spread out and were itching!

On Sunday I got freaked out enough to go to the ER, because I looked down and saw that part of my leg was dark red on the skin. The doctor immediately said something about doing some blood work and checking my platelets. Oh, did I ever get scared. They took some vials of blood and after a couple of hours, the doctor comes back to talk to me and says my platelets were good, and that what I had was skin vasculitis, and explained what that was. He felt it could have been induced by the keflex, but they are not sure. I guess it is hard to know exactly the trigger for it. But he said he felt it was contained to my small blood vessels and skin. Sent me home with an antihistamine.

As days go by these things have not spread, but they are going through a scary progression from being small to medium, then scabbing up and looking weird. They are supposed to go away.... within weeks so I'm hoping they do and that it stays contained to the blood vessels and skin!

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