Moving forward together and piecing

[Ctflor]

Wow. Those quotes really got to me. I came by last night to post, but after reading those I broke down and cried. I think it was a good cry.

I'm not into politics, so I went to look up the video on Newt's wife, her latest interview that I had heard about. I watched the entire thing, and studied her as she was talking. I felt empathy for her, because I also have MS, and ... well, I guess I understand her feelings. BUT, I also saw her bitterness, and her need to continue feeling angry and hurt after all of these years. I could see the trap that she's kept herself in. She too, was also the OW, when he left his first wife during her cancer treatment, I don't really want to go there.

No, I don't want that for myself. This much I know. I don't want to be even a year down the road feeling angry. I *think* I'm starting to see that I'm going to be the one suffering most, if I continue to feel this way.

It's not like the ex OW cares about us, or what is going on.... she's continued on with her life, unscathed from this because she didn't like my H to begin with. H had built up a fantasy for her, and when it all came out... he found out that her only feelings for him were that of friendship.

Shouldn't this betrayal of his be easier to get over, since it was never a full blown affair, or PA?

Why should I be obsessed with looking at OW's blog and facebook? Seems ridiculous.

I feel like I'm torturing myself or something... but I don't know how to stop. I don't even know if I make sense here.

Yesterday was actually a GOOD day. I felt good.. I felt calm inside. I looked at H and did not feel anger. We cooked supper together, we put on music and he got silly and danced with our D. It was .... just everything good.

Afterwards, after d fell asleep, we sat up and watched some tv, then we had a good talk. He told me how much he wants me to let go of ow, and stop looking at her blog/facebook, because he does not care.... and does not want her in our lives, even by my looking at her. He is worried and upset about me.... and wants it to just stop.

And you see what I hated most is..... after having such a good day... and that closeness with H..... OW ended up back in the middle. Because of me.

[Ctflor]

Thanks again 2thepoint, for the quotes. I've copied them and I'm going to print them out.. just to look at often.

[2thepoint]

I'm glad you enjoyed the quotes. If you study their meanings and see how they might relate to you and your own sitch, perhaps it helps to put things into perspective.

BTW, the Mandela quote was in response to a question he was asked about why he was not bitter after being held a political prisoner for 27 years. Now there is something to be bitter about, wouldn't you agree?

"Shouldn't this betrayal of his be easier to get over, since it was never a full blown affair, or PA?

Why should I be obsessed with looking at OW's blog and facebook? Seems ridiculous.

I feel like I'm torturing myself or something... but I don't know how to stop. I don't even know if I make sense here."

Any betrayal is going to be difficult to get over. Fortunately for you, your H's A did not turn physical. I was not so lucky.

But I think you are letting fear that your H might stray again cloud your emotions. I think it is important for you to seriously consider what might have led your H to stray in the first place. I mean I think your anger stems from betrayal and the trust that has been broken. And if you can see where maybe your actions led your H down that slippery slope and make damn sure that those actions are put away for ever then can't you see that your H would have no reason to stray again?

It just seems so clear to me that part of your anger stems from fear. But then if you knew that if the conditions were set just so, your H would never stray again and you could be confident in your trust and your fear would go away.

So then, why not create those conditions and free yourself of your anger and resentment?

[angel61]

Any betrayal is going to be difficult to get over. Fortunately for you, your H's A did not turn physical. I was not so lucky.

But I think you are letting fear that your H might stray again cloud your emotions. I think it is important for you to seriously consider what might have led your H to stray in the first place. I mean I think your anger stems from betrayal and the trust that has been broken. And if you can see where maybe your actions led your H down that slippery slope and make damn sure that those actions are put away for ever then can't you see that your H would have no reason to stray again?

It just seems so clear to me that part of your anger stems from fear. But then if you knew that if the conditions were set just so, your H would never stray again and you could be confident in your trust and your fear would go away.

So then, why not create those conditions and free yourself of your anger and resentment?

To the point, that is a very good observation.

I myself came to the same conclusion this weekend, I don't know if you are familiar with mys ituation but I am very much in the ssme boat as Ctflor, except that my sitch was more drawn out (1.5 years of H having an EA then then being rejected by OW but still keeping up their friendship, then finally, we are now in piecing).

I do bring up the EA and OW every now and then. Last Thursday, I openly, in front of H, checked his cellphone. H was angered by my actions, as he has told me many times that the EA is over and that he no longer feels anything for OW. He said he thought we had already discussed that we had to leave the past behind.

I explained to him that I know I was wrong, but that sometimes, fear that the EA may be rekindled makes me do something to reassure myself that there is no longer anything going on.

To make a long story short, we discussed about what was lacking in our R at that time that drew him to the EA, and how we are now working towards identifying the causes and making sure that such a situation will never come again and cause him to stray.

We both know it will be slow, and that we will make mistakes. As my H says, 2 steps forward, one backward. But someday we will get there.

We have started on the book "the Love Dare". the very first dare is for patience and not saying something negative to each other. Since Friday, we have managed not to break that!

Ctflor, have you read that book? I suggest that you do, even before doing the dares. I read it quickly (2 or 3 days) and realized right away how I was being too self righteous, and how I was not loving my H unconditionally. For me, it was a major step in lessening my anger and resentment. It still took maybe a year of working on it. The thing about it though was while I was working on it, H was still in his MLC land and I was DBing so I was able to detach as well. Deatching and losing the anger goes well together. Now that you are in piecing, you are more emotionally invested and that is why the anger is more intense.

Try to detach a little, Ctflor.

[25yearsmlc]

Last thoughts..

Am I going to just lose my mind, or will this get better?

it gets better. But you seem to think you have only two options with your anger.

Either repress it or express it, and both have downsides.

Let it go...turn it over to God. May sound weird or gimmicky but I found when I showered (so kids could not hear)

that thinking it, saying it and hearing it out loud, helped it sink in...

I said it A LOT.

Turning over my pain and anger over to HIM, helped Me let go of it.

I don't think exposing your h to it for long, will help you nor do I find him totally responsible for your reaction. You have to own some of this or you'll be giving someone else all your power. Plus He is in a good place now and that's a gift you were given.

I think there's a reason that the words "from this day forward" are in our marriage vows.

Let go of the past...it holds you back from enjoying the present.

& Hang in there

[Ctflor]

Things have been busy with moving issues!

But I had to stop in here and jot down something huge that came to me this morning.

As I was thinking over my obsession about OW this morning, it finally hit me...... his EA is NOT about her. It's about HIM and our MARRIAGE!!!!!! Something went wrong of course, with US.... and I'm seeing that OW (I should just call her EX OW) really was just the symptom for the problems.

Once I finally got this in my head and in my heart.... I also realize that I need to stop focusing on EX OW, and put it back on our marriage.

Yes I am still angry at him and EX OW, but in the past week my anger has lessened in comparison to boiling level anger. I'm really happy about that too.

I need to keep this mantra in my head going.... time to stop blaming.

And I probably need to just stop feeling sorry for myself.

Angel I haven't had a chance to read the book..... we ordered 5 love languages and haven't had time to read it yet with all of the stuff going on.

Good thing is, H and I are having a lot of open talks about our R and where we both feel problems set in. We both making time for us, with spending evenings after D goes to bed, cuddling, talking, watching a movie, whatever we can do.... and I feel like our M has been getting closer than it has been in a long time.

I feel him actively working on our M and seeing it.... and it inspires me to give back and work on our M with as much energy as his. We kind of meet each other in the middle, and there's this electric charge between us again.

I'm also happy to say that EX OW has privatized her blog and facebook .... which keeps me from bothering to look. Maybe this is just what I needed to help me move on. I can't say I'm still not curious about her or what she's up to... but it's getting better.... much better.

25, it's not gimmicky to me. I'll stand right up and say I know God had a huge part in helping me last summer... and helping my H turn around and come back to our M. I give Him the glory for that. My prayers were answered.. I just don't want to screw it all up.

Bath time really is a great way to offer it all up.... and the most peaceful time of the day.

Angel, I'm practicing some detachment again and it is helping too. Not too much detaching, but a little. I think it calms the anxiety somewhat.

Kind of been feeling lost in the dark the past month or so.. emotionally speaking.... but I'm starting to feel like I'm seeing a little light peeking in.

[angel61]

OMG, CTflor, thats exactly the same insight I had a couple of months ago! When H and I started piecing, that was around the time that OW was leaving back for her country. One day, I snooped and saw that H had called OW's phone number, and I also learned that there was a possibility that OW might still be working with H's company in the future. I blew up, and told H that I will not accept that kind of situation! H was so frustrated with me at that time, and told me he felt so bad because we had come so far already, but that I could not go past my obsession with OW. To make a long story short, after two days of crying and drama, I came to the same conclusion as you.... and to show you how I felt about it, here is part of a letter I wrote my H at that time:

"Dearest H:

It is so valuable that I finally did understand your stand. What you have been explaining to me since the weekend, that you finally realized that we did have love after all, albeit at a different level. That your greatest barrier to commitment was the thought that we did not have love in our marriage. That barrier is now gone and thus you were finally able to commit and decide to work on that love.

I finally understood that what you stated directly addressed my own barrier to full commitment (of which I originally thought there was none) me was the fear of being hurt again by your emotional connection to her.

I don’t have to repeat what we discussed but since I am writing anyway, I think that it was a beautiful discussion, one of the best we have had in years, and it would be something we can read again to remind ourselves of our commitment. We talked about how you thought that we needed to have the stereotypical Hollywood love, those ideas that came about because of my demands. How God put that PDA (public display of affection) couple in front of us to reinforce the concept of how love is of different kinds, that having that Hollywood love is not the answer to marital problems. That having an affair, or in your case, feelings for another person is more of a symptom than a cause of the destruction of a marriage. That knowing the source of conflict in our marriage is important in making it healthy.

My greatest feeling about what happened was first of all enlightenment, and a feeling of peace that flooded over me. Although the process to get to this understanding was painful, all of that pain washed away with the moment of insight.

Hoping that now that you understand what it was for me.

Love, Angel"

After that lightbulb moment, things started to change for me. I would still get moments of anger, resentment and jealousy, but gradually, they grew less and less. I know that being that jealous, angry person would make me less lovable and would make H search for "someone to be on his side " , as he says what happened to him when we were in our miserable stage.

I am now concentrating on building up my love and being a person that H would love as well, because if our love is strong, then it would guard against him having another EA, or even me as well. If we were both miserable, whats to stop us from wanting out of the M?

You are not alone, CTflor. I am guessing we all go through these stages, and no matter how other people explain it to us, we won't understand until we have our own "aha" moments. Another poster, Cyrena, who usually posts to me, went through similar experiences. I think we are all in different stages but walk through the same path.

I am so happy to hear that, CT. I do hope that you push through with Retrouvaille, as I can see that with the mindset you have (and your H too) it will resonate with you.

[Ctflor]

Angel, thanks for sharing that with me!

That was one thing the priest shared with H and I, that in hollywood everyone gets divorced and moves on to the next person, and they make it look so easy and smooth. The outward appearance of most divorces are that everyone is fine, moving along and that it's OK. That the lasting consequences aren't so bad or not taken into consideration.

I find that as each day passes since my last post, I'm starting to see that the EA was really all about how my H was feeling, and not as much to do with OW. That the EA was about how H was feeling about our marriage and our connection. I was going along thinking that everything was ok. He told me that he had been feeling very depressed and disconnected from me for many months and had felt like "this is all it will ever be", before the EA happened.

I am learning to stop focusing on OW and put the focus on our M. It's day by day but I'm not as obsessed with OW as I was. I'm starting to find that even my anger at OW is not at the level of rage as it once was.

All I can do is pray, think, pray, give it up to God as 25 mentioned.. and I think it's helping. And being able to come here. Even though I don't post as often, I do spend time reading through threads... because even the threads in the new comers section is still teaching me things about myself and my M.

[Ctflor]

An update:

H had gone to counseling a few days ago, and came home and asked me to go with him for his appt this morning. First thing I did was feel my heart drop cause I thought... ut oh, he has something to lay on me and doesn't want to tell me here. But that is not what it was. The priest just thought it would be a good idea to meet with both of us to talk about where I'm at, as it helps with H.

I did not expect things to take such an emotional turn with H. We had a very good talk... and I could see that H had formed a good friendship with the priest. They have a natural connection which is good I think. At the end of our talk, the priest began to lead a closing prayer and a blessing over our M. During this, H began to break down, I mean he really lost it and was sobbing and couldn't catch his breath. I put my hand on his arm and let him cry. He couldn't stop and I was starting to feel scared for him because it sounded like a deep pain was just emptying out of him. And after he could catch his breath he said the following:

"What was I thinking last summer? What was wrong with me? How could I do this to you, to (our d)?"

"I'm so sorry. I will never let anything come between us again."

"Why didn't I see what I was doing? I just went crazy. I was so selfish and crazy and I didn't care about who I was hurting".

He said some other things too but don't want to put it here as it's personal but he released a boat load of pain. When he calmed down, we talked awhile and he seemed to feel so much better... we had a good evening together, but before bed, he said "Do you hate me? I worry that you must hate me" and he started to get emotional again.

I told him "No I don't hate you." and he started sobbing again. And he said, "I don't want to lose you. I'm afraid one day I'm going to wake up and you're going to get fed up with me and that will be it". I hugged him tight and told him, that this was exactly how I felt last summer.... and we both actually laughed a little. I don't know why but we did.

I assured H that I want this marriage with my whole heart, and he said he did too.

So that is where we are now. He's going through some emotional things.... and although I know I can't fix it, I can listen. I just hope I handled it OK.

I know that he's 100% on board with wanting to save our M....and I am too.

The thing is, I have not been able yet to say "I forgive you". I don't know if I'm quite there yet but I think he wants to hear that.

[angel61]

That is so good! Your H is mature and able to face his feelings ....unburdening his baggage is key to healing!

You will forgive him soon.... keep on praying and asking God to guide you!