That's the thing, LA. I've been thinking about it since I finished the book a couple of weeks ago...at first I considered giving it to him as a birthday gift but decided against it because I wanted to re-read it & thought that maybe, as an anniversary gift it might be received as a little more appropriate.
I don't know if he would see it as me saying to him, "you've got a problem & need to fix it," or as me pointing out his flaws or what have you. I hope not! He knows that I accept full responsibility for my part of the demise of our M, I've offered apologies for the things I recognize may have hurt him & continue to apologize as I become more aware of his perspective & how a lot of my actions were likely received. He's actually said to me more than once that I didn't do it on my own, that it's both of us who are at fault.
I can honestly say that since the bomb I've been exceptionally careful to do everything in my power to show him compassion for what it is that he's going through. When things were at their worst between us, I admit - there's a lot of things I said and did that I wish I hadn't, and a lot of it could've been easily interpreted by H as me saying, "You suck! Change! And while you're at it, fix everything so I can be happy again!" Which in reality was not at all the message I was trying to convey, which at this point doesn't really matter. What matters is that that's how H received it.
The book goes into great detail about the fear/shame dynamic and how it has the ability to destroy a M without either party doing anything wrong. The book is fantastic, I highly recommend it. And after reading this book I've gained some great insight about how we got to this. The book has offered me even more hope than I already had that our M can be R & that it wouldn't be that difficult to do.
I dunno. The last time we had any R talk H said that he isn't so dead set on D. I know it's not the same as saying that he's ready to work on our M, as much as I'd like it to be. That being said, I don't know if he's ready or willing to do anything right now but I do think that if he were to read the book it could make a difference on how he views our sitch. Our anniversary is coming up so I figure it seems the most appropriate time to give it to him.
I can only hope that my 180's of not complaining to him have proven to him that I don't see him as needing to fix anything including himself. I'm fairly certain that he wouldn't have told me about his benzo abuse & addiction if he feared my reaction or judgement. Although I could be reading too much into things or comparing apples to oranges.
Any more perspectives would be appreciated!
M:36 WAH:41 M:16 T:17 D:12 SS:21 Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11 Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.
I had thought about just a card but there's a bit more there for me to consider:
One of H's complaints was that I didn't make a big enough deal about special occasions. I honestly fear that if I just get him a card he'll see it as just more of the same.
M:36 WAH:41 M:16 T:17 D:12 SS:21 Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11 Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.
I was never good at gifts either, and that is my H's LL, so I've been trying to do better. But a book on improving marriage might not be what your H had in mind. My H isn't a reader and I don't think he'd appreciate a book on marriage when he isn't sure what he wants.
Quote:
I don't know if he would see it as me saying to him, "you've got a problem & need to fix it," or as me pointing out his flaws or what have you.
Since you even said that he might think you're pointing out his faults, I think that's a good indication that it wouldn't be a good gift for him. Find something else and if he ever hints around that he'd like to learn more or read more about it, definitely recommend and/or give him the book, but I don't see it going well as a gift
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
No, not really. Most of his library is full of business-type jargon. Although he has read Emotional Intellegence, Who Moved My Cheese, The New Peoplemaking, among others...he also has his certification as a FranklinCovey trainer & consultant so has read probably (I'm guessing) all of Steven Covey's books. So he's not against reading self-help books, he makes his managers read Steven Covey's stuff but he mostly does it for carreer purposes.
So he's not against reading self-help books, I'm just not sure how receptive he would be to reading one geared towards something personal...although he did read The New Peoplemaking over ten years ago, under the advice of my stepson's play therapist. But then again, he may have only done that as a method to help his son. I really couldn't say...
Honestly, I don't know if he sees me as a fixer. I don't think so but I could be wrong. In the past I've had issues surrounding codependency and I know that he found a lot of my controlling behaviour super irritating and I'm sure quite obnoxious. I can only assume (although it's a safe assumption based on what he's said and how he's behaved) that if anything, he sees himself as the fixer and when all the flashbacks of my childhood abuse reared it's ugly head, he felt defeated and angry that he couldn't fix it. And then it frustrated him to no end that there was no quick fix for it.
I have a sneaking suspicion that he approached our R issues in the same manner...No quick fix, too frustrating, so let's D.
I'm going to have to think about it more in depth, though.
You've given me some food for thought. Thanks LA.
M:36 WAH:41 M:16 T:17 D:12 SS:21 Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11 Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.
Maybe I should clarify. In the past, yes, I am definitely guilty of pointing out his flaws and skirting around the implication that he's the one who needs to change. I wasn't always like that and it really only became a big habit of mine when (and I didn't know it at the time) H was stoned on benzodiazepines and did nothing more than sit around and be a lump on the sofa. From my perspective, all I saw was a lazy, checked-out turd at the time. It's only been recently that he's come clean about it and what was really going on with him.
Since reading DB, I recognized right away that this was damaging to our R. So it's not behaviour he's seen in me in about 7 months. I don't know if that makes any difference.
M:36 WAH:41 M:16 T:17 D:12 SS:21 Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11 Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.
Oh, whoa, whoa. I missed the part where you wanted to give him the book. I think it might be a little overwhelming. I agree it's a great read and I had similar dynamics in my R/M but maybe it would be better if you tried to implement some of the changes it suggests rather than giving it as an anniversary present? Maybe bring up the book when you're on less shaky ground?
