I am new to this site. I have been married for 16 yrs, this is a second marriage for both us of. in oct 11 we started having arguements, which this was the first time during our marriage this happened. Each month oct, nov, dec and jan it would happen around a 3 day weekend and my husband would leave and spend the night in a hotel. I soon figured out he was having an affair with a 21yr - mind you we have 5 children between us (including 2 who are 21 yr) my husband is 54. He from the first time we talked in Oct he stated he felt we were beyond counseling but neither of us moved toward divorce and for me this is not an option. We have a good marriage up until this happened. well on 14 feb he moves out and in with affair. during this time he has taken money from his retirement account at work to fund his new place as he did not take anything from the family home - not even all of his belongings. I can assume this has been going on since last summer based on his comments that he has not been happy since then. Also, during this time, we started taking care of our 1 yr old grandchild because his mom is finishing up college this summer. So, not sure what really happened to cause him to have affair or when it may end. I have read about MLC and not sure this is a case or what - when we talk which is every other day or so and he contacts me, he will say he loves me when getting off the phone or if in person - not sure what this means. Any advice for a woman who has invested time in a marriage where family means everything and i really want this to work out. Also, 3 of the children want nothing to do with him and his family will not contact him either since he was avoiding them - if he want to talk with them he has to call - we do not live in the same location.
Hi 8, sorry you need this site, but glad you are here. There are some great threads about MLC on this site. I suggest you find them and read them.
In the meantime, there is no sense that can be made of his actions. What you describe is pretty close to MLC if you believe in that term.
Try not to make sense of it. It'll drive you mad...
Hang in there.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I'm a 2 year veteran of this Board, and I wish I could tell you there is a set time limit for the madness, and a predictable outcome, but that just wouldn't be so. It does sound as if a MLC is exactly what H is going through. Someone should be along shortly to give you some recommended reading. Read it. In fact, print it off. Let parts of it become your mantra in the coming days and weeks.
You will find a wonderful group of supportive friends here, who have been-dere-dun-dat. Feel free to come here to rant, cry, crow, whatever. We understand.
Sorry that you find yourself on here. First off, I would suggest that you pick up a copy of DR right away. It should clarify alot of the questions you have right now.
Think carefully. You mentioned that you had a good marriage, but there must have been some issues. It's only natural. Was there anything that your H complained about before?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
No, he never complained. Everything started around Oct as i said - and since we have a blended family the issues were i was keeping him from his two children and family. in actuallity his one son moved in with us a month after we were married - he was 15 at the time and stayed until he was 21. I was on active duty then and had orders to Hawaii and we decided we were going to retire where we currently were - with that I went to HI by myself with the 3 children as his then 21 yr old went to live with his mom as that is where his 11 yr old brother resided. during this time he came to HI every 6 months or more and still things were good. he did feel i cheated on him there which i did not, but admitted to being closer to someone than i should have been. Anyway we move back in Aug 04 and 10 months later his other son moves in and he is now 15. he never would really interact with the family just his dad, when i mentioned it to my husband he would say that is the type of relationship we had and i needed to deal with it - hindsite we should have taken a diferent approach. well in about a year and a half he went back to live with his mom because he felt he was not treated fairly - the child was doing poor in scholl and we are the type of parents that school is your only job and if you do well you can have almost anything you want he could not see this and my husband had even given him leadway but was in agreeance that he should leave. then a few years ago he went through drug rehab and i did not really support my husband on this but he also stated it was ok. so anyway in oct he said i prevented him from seeing his children although we made many trips and i made some alone to pick up his one son - they live in a different state. i have never kept him from any of his family and when we decided not to travel for holidays it was a mutual decison, however, not it looks as if i ma the bad guy. i want my marriage to work and have begun the process to mend the relationships with his two children and it is going pretty well. i am not blaming anyone as i can see where i made mistakes and have improved a lot since then. now he continually talks to this one son who is 21 as the other is in the air force and has not had a good relationship with him in a while. but his one son he talks to about the affair and tells him he has to get used to her as she will be around and is not going anywhere. he still tells me he loves me when we talk and yesterday says he is mentally drained from the situation this week - the situatuion being he and i. i have given him space and told him to call when he is ready to discuss us and mend our marriage but he continues to call to see how the children are or just to see what i ma doing. not sure what that is about. i have read plenty of stuff on MLC and was hoping this was not it as i want this to be a short evolution. i have repeatedly told him i love him and the door is always open for him to come home.
There's lots to learn, but it will help you make informed decisions as you move forward.
That 3 of he kids don't want anything to do with him is sad. It is also his to fix. Not yours. All you can do there is not cause any damage. You're right that if he wants to talk, he needs to call them.
yes there were issues concerning my acceptance of his two sons from his previous marriage. my two children lived withus from the begining ages 5 and 3 and just last year they changed their last name to his because they have that much respect for his as a dad. now he does not give a hoot about them only our daughter we have together. his 21 yr old son who lives here still talks with him as i belive he is not really affected since i am not his mom. once we were married his then 15 yr old moved in with us one month after we were married and stayed until he was 20. the other son moved in when he was 15 but struggled to fit in with the family and my husband and i did not address the situation properly and he returned to live with his mother. overall, the marriage was good but i believe the little issues have built up over time and when his son went through drug rehab it was hard for me to support him and i believe that may have been a turning point - this was about 2 yrs ago, then my daughter had a child which we started to care for last summer so she could go back and finish college. she will be done this aug - which my husband will say that him moving out he has no crystal ball to know how long it will last, but he was thinking that when she graduates she could move there and he would come back home. not sure how this is supposed to work when he has someone else - but has mentioned this on 2 seperate occasions.
well, the weekend was tough with grandchild's first bday it was depressing because my h was not there and we always do everything as a family. he has called me this morning to discuss what is going on with grandchild and our daughter, but failed to ask about two other children as he talks with his child daily. how can i detach when he continues to contact me - only to see what is going on at the house or with the D or GC? and when they get off the phone tell you they love you - how do you deal with this?
on another note, he completed a physical today for extra life insurance for our family - does that mean anything concerning his state of mind? he told me that his state of mind has improved since he moved out - but just on friday said he was mentally stressed over the situation? i sent him a brief overview of MLC and said i think that is what he was going through and needed to get a counselor to help him work through issues, but he insisted of course he has no issues and is doing what makes him happy as he has fell out of love with me.
