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#2229294 - 03/09/12 07:14 PM Re: Husband has moved in with affair [Re: TSquared2]
8anb Offline
Member

Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 43
ok, maybe some journaling here, but i need some help this has not been a good day for me - feeling really down and hopeless. has anyone had a situation similar to mine in which the spouse returns?

as you know h has decided to move in with ow who is 21 and h is 54. in talking with the pastor who seems to think this is an affair not mlc and once fog wears off, then h will be able to make an intelligent decision as they will not be addicted to the affair.

i am also seeing a marriage counselor who thinks it is mlc and that by h's action he is setting up to divorce me and move on with ow

at this point i am not sure what is really going on; except that i knew when my h moved out he was going to move in with ow - i asked and he told me. since then, h will contact me to see what is going on - as of today i will no longer be answering h's call at work since this is the only place he now contacts me. i will also be staying away from mall as that is where h has a part time job.

does anyone have suggestions or some situations similar to mine that had a happy ending? i know i should be gal, but i am not ready to give up on h and act as if - but at the same time am wondering is there is any hope of h returning?

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#2229297 - 03/09/12 07:34 PM Re: Husband has moved in with affair [Re: 8anb]
BeingMe Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 4053
Loc: Canada
My H returned, but it still didn't work out. It is very important for you to GAL, because that is the part about working on YOU. I feel as if I have succeeded because I have done the work on me, and am able to move on with or without H. If he decides to work on himself, and I am interested by then, and he wants to come back, then I will think about it, but it won't be a given.

Your journey has only just begun. Your H can't just walk in from OW's bed, and expect that things will be fine. There's work that needs to be done. And, I bet, he doesn't want to do that work. He wants his cake and eat it too (called cake eating here). I wouldn't take him back, unless he has shown he really wants to come back, by action, not words so much.

Would you take him back now?
_________________________
Me:55 H:50 M:27 S:2 Been to the lawyer.
D32,S/D twins25,D20
EA4/04 End4/05?
Life is good! Living with gratitude.

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#2229300 - 03/09/12 07:46 PM Re: Husband has moved in with affair [Re: BeingMe]
8anb Offline
Member

Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 43
hi,

yes, i would take my h back as i want the marriage to work and i know it can only begin with h realizing what he is doing and being remorseful.

however, at this state h does not want to work on the marriage and i get comments of "not sure where this is going", "i am doing this for me, even though it sounds selfish we could not keep going like we were", and "it's not you its me". I am just confused, as i have stated i can track this affair back to at least oct 11 - which is about 6/7 months and probably a little before then i am guessing just not sure.


in speaking with the counselor and pastor, an average affair last 6/7 months, but not sure how this is going to end since they are living together, h pays for everything and ow brings nothing to the table but sex - which is what my h is addicted to i am told it is like a drug.

so how does one go about ending the affair when h will not? is waiting the only way to get an answer? it really stinks being left and having no say in a marriage a process that started with both of us making a joint decision - who told h he could take away my rights without asking?

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#2229302 - 03/09/12 07:48 PM Re: Husband has moved in with affair [Re: 8anb]
8anb Offline
Member

Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 43
maybe i am part of the problem too, as i told h that the door is always open when he is ready to come home; maybe not the right thing to say but that was also before i found this site

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#2229327 - 03/09/12 09:50 PM Re: Husband has moved in with affair [Re: 8anb]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2219
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Quote:
so how does one go about ending the affair when h will not? is waiting the only way to get an answer?


Well, from my experience and all that I have read, here and elsewhere, 3 choices:
a.) Let it die on its own...usually they do once the "honeymoon" is over and twinkle twat learns that H farting in his sleep ain't that hip and predator prick has his CC run up to the limit, and she starts complaining about not having $$ for the latest i-whatever-crap

b.) Issue an ultimatum--here's one from Coach that I have ready to edit as needed should I ever decide to walk the "Last, Last Resort Technique" path:

Quote:
"Wife, you asked the other day what we are going to do. Here is what I decided. I won't live in a open marriage. Unless you break off all contact and we have complete transparency, meaning I have access to your e-mail, cell phone and know where you are going to be. If you can't agree to that then this marriage is over and I won't move out of my house. . If you do agree to that then we will attend MC together and work on the issues that keep us from feeling loved and respected to each other."

Then don't be the next one to speak. She's either in or out. You are letting her off the hook, she get's to choose.


c.) Find a L and file.


One thing to think about: What EXACTLY bothers you about the affair? That she is better in bed? Prettier? Jealous of her youth? ???

Then, what is the root of that? Usually it is fear, and once identified, it can be conquered.

Quote:
it really stinks being left and having no say in a marriage a process that started with both of us making a joint decision - who told h he could take away my rights without asking?


I got stuck on this myself, a hard stuck, but it is essential to accept that YES, IT IS NOT FAIR! But it is REALITY! YOUR reality, his reality, the KIDS' reality... It blows...but it IS. You are letting H and twinkle twat take YOUR power as long as you are in this mindset...and even after you get it wrassled to the ground...it will sneak up on you from time to time (this happened to me this past weekend)...This is why you GAL and focus on your kids and you only.

Let him go play Hugh Hefner...we all know how attractive THAT looks... smile

If I sounded a bit harsh, I apologize, I wallowed in "not-fair" for far too long, delaying the progress through the sitch....

You have a mission, I know you want to complete it. What is the first step in getting to the objective?

You.can.do.this!
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2229329 - 03/09/12 10:02 PM Re: Husband has moved in with affair [Re: TSquared2]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2219
Loc: Rocky Mountains
btw, "twinkle twat" ^^^ is originally by snodderly...used w/o permission, but I just couldn't help it...cracks me up.
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2229358 - 03/10/12 04:14 AM Re: Husband has moved in with affair [Re: TSquared2]
BeingMe Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 4053
Loc: Canada
No bad thing in life is fair ... we have to understand that. We go into our marriages happy, in love, and with the expectation that our spouses will always be honest and trustworthy (as we are, I'm sure). I always said to H that if he is interested in someone else, then just tell me, and we can end it. Let's not be like other marriages where one of the spouses lies and betrays. Did he remember that? NO! He has rewritten our history ... another sign of MLC ... done all the things that I never thought he would ever do, because "I trusted him." Should we not trust anyone ever again? I don't know how to answer that question. When I come across someone who I think I can trust, then I'll let you know. laugh In the meantime, knowing that life isn't fair, I step ahead cautiously, but with hope.

That's muh thought for the day. LOL
_________________________
Me:55 H:50 M:27 S:2 Been to the lawyer.
D32,S/D twins25,D20
EA4/04 End4/05?
Life is good! Living with gratitude.

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#2229658 - 03/11/12 05:43 PM Re: Husband has moved in with affair [Re: BeingMe]
8anb Offline
Member

Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 43
ok, so h has not contacted me for 2 dys - it is also the weekend and h seems to contact me at work only now. spoke with SIL yesterday who spoke with h and stated how upset h was since we did not speak when we saw him - this seems to be something that bothers h as he sees he has no control - i guess.

so, this has not been a good weekend as it was mostly spent in bed crying other than attending church. tomorrow should prove to be interesting as i am sure h will try to call - but i will not be answering. hope this improves the situation and not the reverse of giving the impression that i am not wanting the marriage to work out. only time will tell but i am in week 4 since h left and moved in with ow

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#2229676 - 03/11/12 07:31 PM Re: Husband has moved in with affair [Re: 8anb]
forward Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/06
Posts: 4044
Let it die on its own...usually they do once the "honeymoon"

Warning: This can be a long time. However, it usually does seem to happen. From my observation, it takes about 2 years for things to start to get real, when they aren't reveling in their pretend freedom. BTW, there is an actual "love chemical" that sort of wears off over time and enables us to see people for who they are. You will not be able to do anything to make him see the light--at least that was my experience. Neither will anyone else. He just has to go through this on his own. I also foudn that X was very resentful of me for reasons I did not (and do not) understand. His spewing hurt me deeply and although I accept that I might never get it, one reason I continue to come here is a small hope that I might get an apology, or maybe a little recognition. I really can't count on that, though. But with that said, forgiveness is a difficult process and not a snap sort of thing.

But there was no reasoning with X. He did not come back, but did make some halfhearted gestures in that direction. I am worth more than halfhearted gestures. And so are you.

I know from my experience that you are in one of the hardest phases. Anything that you can do for yourself, however small, will be helpful. Get re-acquainted with YOU. I would also urge you to examine the R carefully once some of the initial pain has worn off. You may find that YOU were the one who was settling for halfheearted, lame involvement. And what I have done is ask myself Why? Why was I willing to settle for that?

I still feel some pain around X. I think that I always will. There were some good times. Sometimes I miss him. But when I do, I think of all the things I do NOT miss. I also find myself realizing that I deserved better all along.
_________________________
M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
X has major medical issues
New Woman - died.
Remarried to new guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D


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#2230107 - 03/13/12 07:27 AM Re: Husband has moved in with affair [Re: forward]
8anb Offline
Member

Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 43
ok, so it has been 4 dys since h last contacted me - trying to keep busy is hard. my d from college is home and i cannot even enjoy time with her - i am so depressed. the therapist thinks i should go on an anti-depressant and maybe that is what i need.
going day to day feeling as if no one cares is getting to me. i have a friend who's never been married who cant understand why i am so down. well, we will see how the day goes.....

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