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danielf Offline OP
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Anybody?
I think for the near term, I will have to bring up talks about the impending move-out. I'll move out for my week and trust that she will take her turn at the end of it.
Need to get an apartment (in her name or both, for legal safety). Need to talk about talking to the kids and talk to the kids.


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Originally Posted By: danielf
I am so worried that four months from now I will be divorced and completely lost (if we move) or abandoned (if I don't). I trust that DB works, but what if I cannot wait it out? I am ready to change and let W see over time, but what if I don't have time?

You are making changes for YOU, not as a tactic to WIN her back.
DB works but maybe not the way you are expecting.

I hope you moving out has some sort of legal back up.

Because if not when your week is over and you have trusted her and find out that the trust was incorrect, well then where will you be?

You have asked for advice, sounds like you are ignoring it and doing what you think might be right.

Your wife has already proved to be untrustworthy, so why are you trusting her?


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Originally Posted By: daniel
I married my wife "till death do us part." I made that commitment to my wife before God and our community, and I will honor it.


But at what cost to you and your family?

To me those words don't mean you sacrifice yourself to the marriage.

I see you doing a lot of "what if"

and a lot of "BUT for"

EXCUSES.

There is one thing I am going to guarantee you Daniel

THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES

You cannot control what your W chooses to do.

Not even "till death do you part" She has a right to divorce you if she wants to.

How you react to that choice will define who you are.

You said "in good time and in bad, for better or worse"

You gave her some worse and now you're getting some.

You will be forgiven for your past when you decide to forgive yourself and choose differently.

When you choose to make YOUR choice and live the words you cherish and hold dear

Not because you get what you want but IN SPITE OF GETTING WHAT YOU WANT.

What choice here for you is best aligned with the man you want to be?

What choice best lives out your words? YOUR VALUES? What actions speak for what you believe?

I will say this to you again Daniel.

FIGURE THAT OUT FIRST.

Then the "what ifs" won't matter...


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Ok 2x4 time. I would not trust that you will be able to come back after your "week" away. I'm going to ask you again and I hope you will answer me this time. What is to stop your W from changing the locks when you are on your "week" away from home? Protect yourself.
Did you trust your W to be faithful? How is that working out?

I'm sorry to be blunt with you but right now you need to wake up from the fog you are in and think clearly. Right now your W is playing you like a fiddle and you are going right along with it. You need to set up boundaries. You say you are a doormat, well do something about it. Actions speak louder than words!

What do YOU want? Do YOU want to move "back home" or are you only doing this in the hopes that it will bring your W back to you? Even though you made mistakes in your M now is not the time to bend over backwards in the hopes that it will bring your W back that never works. Take the advice that we are giving. The number one thing right now is to PROTECT YOURSELF with this living arrangement. DO NOT TRUST YOUR W at this time.


M 44 W 43
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INILWY 9/11
Divorce Mediation started 3/13
June 30 the day W is moving out
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danielf Offline OP
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Ok.
There's this itching and pain from my neck down to my ass.
A backbone is growing there.
I am not ready to say, Hey, W! If you wanna move out, move out.
I just have no idea how I could possible be caretaker for my three kids while doing a full-time job.
I can envision doing a 2 week sprint of going home early to pick up my kids every day and getting to work late after dropping them off, and then "making up for it" on my weeks away from the nest. Is it not my job to figure out how to make this work?
I was looking forward to my time off to work on myself. I don't know if I have what it takes to fight on all fronts with no relief.
But all of that is fighting against this idea. Thank you for the advice, the wisdom and experience. Please keep helping me. What I want is for you guys to help me see the future; what I need may be your help to find the faith to leap when I can't see.
This is so hard.


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danielf Offline OP
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This is not my fault.
I have messed up in the past. I will do better in the future.
No, I will do better today. Right now.


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danielf Offline OP
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Important info:
State laws here are no-fault divorce, where conduct is not considered when dividing property and children (that's more graphic and true than the law's language).
So, I still agree with W that custody should be two-week turns. Also, Mondays will always be Mommy evenings, and Wednesdays will always be mine.
But I don't think I will agree to birds-nesting unless for a short duration (maybe a month) it really makes sense, and only if/when D is official.
Until then, I think that I am going to stay put.
Please help me think through this and how to communicate this change in direction.
On 180s, I am playing soccer tonight and I've been playing my cello some. More importantly, I saw my C this morning and I've been going to 12step groups. It is time to change.


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Wow, good luck with growing that backbone, because you need it now. Don't ever think, much less say you would consider letting her take the kids off to OM while you stay and work to support her. You think this is an honorable thing to do, she is thinking she will get most of ex-husbands paycheck and the kids will call OM "dad". If she wants OM that bad, she can leave the kids or he can move. You dont need to sacrifice your career and support group for the benefit of your wife's relationship with OM. If she doesn't want you, she needs to fend for herself financially too. This bird nesting idea is just you giving her ever more money, more freedom, more control.

You are already at the point of separation, you need to be legally protected now. Do not leave the house, even for bird nesting until you have a custody order in place. You also need this so she cant leave and take the kids. You probably wont be able to get them back if she does this without an order in place. And figure out what your minimum support order will be. Even in no fault states, adultery can very often be used to avoid spousal support. Child support will be based on a formula - you should give her no more than that, and only do so when ordered to.

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danielf Offline OP
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Leo, it is a rental and both of us are on the lease. So she couldn't keep me out. But I can't kick her out, either.


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danielf Offline OP
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And, on the moving back home, I'm truly torn because I think it might be best for my kids, but it is not best for me. It is not hanging onto my wife, though it may partly be trying to keep the peace, and be nice to her. But I'm consciously trying to keep W out of the decision, except as children's primary caregiver.


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