We can have all the proof in the world sometimes and yet when we our WAS hurts us.. we are shocked at their lack of respect or love for us....
.... we cannot ever imagine that they would hurt us that way.
But they do and yes.. you will survive. The kind of wound created today was very deep for you.. one that will take awhile to heal....
...but it will.
And I really want to emphasize not acting on your feelings. When I found out in July about my w dating already.. I thought... "she could not hurt me anymore than this".....
...but in this year.. I have realized that although that action hurt like he!!.. it didn't compare to the lack of respect she shows me.
In the moment.. in July... I thought it was a deal breaker.. but now..after many months of personal growth and reflection.. I have learned what my deal breakers really are.
You will too.
(((( ))))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
1. To be less fearful-change happens and I need to learn how to roll with it and grow from it. I need to stop getting trapped in my own fear.
2. Challenge myself - I want to do things that I have previously held myself back from (for various reasons). If I have the chance to try something new or something I've always wanted to do, I will make an attempt to do it.
3. Meeting new people - we have so many friends in common, and I feel like I need to enjoy a group of friends that are not common friends. Maybe join a class of some type?
I have gone back and read the past 10 pages and noticed each time YOU pulled away, He chased you.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Thank you all. I am doing my best to comprehend what you are writing, and I know I will need to re-read the posts again. I just want you to know how much it helps to not feel so alone when I really feel alone in this home.
The weekend was rough to say the least. I confronted him on Friday night, only because he kept asking me what was wrong. I told him what I knew and he didn't deny it. He admitted it. He swears that it was only an EA and not a PA. I obviously don't believe him. I told him this, and he said I don't blame you.
We had a family wedding to attend on Saturday night. I did my best to have fun, but I cried through the vows silently. It was so hard to hear the promises that were all just broken in my marriage. He put his hand on my knee of few times when he saw me crying but I didn't react.
He has apologized and cried, he said he needs help and that he doesn't know what would posess him to do this to me. He said I don't deserve this treatment and that he knows that I don't believe him but he does love me. I didn't respond to any of it. He feels shame and remorse, and said that he doesn't deserve me and that he never has deserved me.
I am going to stay with my father for a few days, to get a breather. I just need to be out of this house. I need to try to quiet the noise in my head.
I promise to come back and re-read everything here because you are a wonderful sounding board. There is nobody in my day to day that I can trust with this information right now. I am calling a therapist today to set up a meeting. He claims that he is too, but I am only focusing on me and the kids right now.
He told me this morning that he deserves whatever the outcome may be. Not sure what that means. It was one of the last things he said before I am leaving for a few days.
You did well this weekend and you will be ok no matter what.
Take this time to figure out what you want, what you would need to see from him (ie him actually calling the counselor and going, ending the A, etc...) to try to work on things.
As far as his comment, he is expressing the guilt that he feels inside. I like that he acknowledges that this is his problem instead of putting all of the blame onto you, but please don't take it too personally if that changes for a while.
(((hugs)))
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thank you cat! I think that is what this is about for me, trying to figure out what I need and how I will proceed. He doesn't get to make that call for me any longer. I have some serious thinking/praying to do.
Thankfully with this nice weather, my kids think I am just taking a photo outing at the beach. Partially true, and I will have the photos to share with them. I feel the need to hold them closer than ever.
I know that I need to figure out my next steps, what I want, etc. I am just so darn scared today. I feel very alone and change will be tough. But change will happen here, one way or another. I guess I should be excited for that. Hopefully I will feel it sooner rather than later.
Thanks again to all of you. I feel just a little less alone thanks to you all
If he truly is sincere and remorseful (I'm pretty sure he's SORRY, but still hard to tell from this end whether or not he's just sorry HE GOT CAUGHT, sorry HE HURT YOU, or sorry that he DID THE WRONG THING AND IS WILLING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT -- three distinctly different things), then he should be willing to send the woman a no-contact letter, and enter into full transparency with you and go to a good MC/FT who specializes in infidelity.
Is he?
Use this time away to think about what YOUR hard boundaries -- your short list of "Boundaries of Personal Integrity" -- are. They might be something like:
1. Absolutely end all contact with OW, including sending her a no-contact letter, the copy of which is to be approved by YOU and the letter is to be mailed/delivered by you.
2. Full and complete transparency with you, including new cellphone # for him and detailed billing to come to YOU, new e-mail address(es) with YOU having copies of the passwords, exchange daily schedules, etc., etc.
3. Full-panel STD test, a copy of which is to be provided to YOU. (I'm sorry, I know this is intensely painful, but it's highly likely that he's lying about the "only and EA" thing. Most cheaters will cop to one level LESS than what they've done, from what I've seen. Besides, your own medical health is the utmost importance here).
4. Perhaps a Retrouvaille weekend, followed by ongoing MC/FT with a counselor specifically trained to deal with infidelity.
These are just suggestions; the items need to be YOURS and reflect your own values and morals.
In the meantime, I would advise you to ignore your husband's calls and texts, other than ONE time saying "I need some time to think, get some counsel from some people I trust, and to make some decisions. I'm not sure what I'm going to do."
and then go DARK. If he is sincere about his remorse, he will continue to purusue you. If he's NOT sincere . . . well, then you'll have your answer.
Morning Starsky!! I agree with you, that it is difficult to know which reason he is sorry. I asked him if he meant "sorry you were caught" and he said "I am sorry I did this to you, to hurt you like this. But I can understand why you don't believe me"
I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth right now.
Your suggestions are all good ones, and I think I will have the time to really reflect while at my fathers. I am leaving right after work today and plan to work remotely from there a little bit, but also have some down time to recuperate a bit.
I do plan to go DARK while at my fathers. I can call each of my boys on their own cell phones, never a need to call the house at all.
I would imagine he expects it becuase he said "call if you want to talk anytime, I would love to hear from you but will understand if you don't call at all"
