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#2232423 - 03/21/12 07:42 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2090
"The Solo Partner" also has a whole chapter on anger and how to use it for positive change. I love that book.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2232432 - 03/21/12 08:00 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
keep_going Offline
Member

Registered: 06/15/11
Posts: 834
Originally Posted By: adinva
One of the biggest things I learned through all this, from my viewpoint, was to suspect my own outrage. Whenever I start to fall into outrage I question myself. It seems to come from a set of assumptions and a sense of entitlement. I can frame what he's doing as a cowardly abandonment of his family, or as a desperate need to correct a mistake and live authentically. I'm not in his head. Life can suck and be unfair but it's unhealthy to wallow in that.


wow... this resonates so much with me!

I will keep this handy. I want to emulate you and do the same. I want to learn to "suspect my own outrage.' Sounds so simple, yet so hard to do.

What a healthy way of approaching it!
THANK YOU! smile
_________________________
Me & H: 43
D6
D5
S2.5
Together: 21 years, M: 16 years
EA: 11/13/10
ILYBNILWY & Separation - 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12




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#2232438 - 03/21/12 08:12 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: keep_going]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2775
Loc: VA
Hi KG thanks for your kind words! Wishing you the best,
Adinva
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2232439 - 03/21/12 08:13 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2775
Loc: VA
Accuray, I've got to get that book. Maybe when I'm done with 7 Conversations.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2232588 - 03/22/12 01:25 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2775
Loc: VA
Journaling so I can stop obsessing.
1. After many requests from the kids, H has said we can get another dog and has expressed a couple of traits he wants, like enough energy for a long run.
2. H has commented about a past foster dog of ours, when I said this dog was available again, that it tore up our yard and peed in the house.
3. Twice yesterday H was within earshot but not talking to me, about the dog poop in the yard. Talking to S11, "watch out for the dog poop it's all over the place." I said it shouldn't be, I've been on top of it.
4. Last night I asked where he saw it so I could make sure and get it. "Everywhere." I asked is it a lot, like bagsful? Yes.

OK. My communication book says to ask for clarification when your partner's verbal and nonverbal communication don't match.

I went out today with two bags and found one old poop that was slightly outside the dog's area, one new one, and that's it. I'd rather be happy than right so I don't see the point of arguing with H about his opinion.

But I think it bears mentioning that he seems to have some concerns that we should resolve to our satisfaction before we consider bringing another dog into the house.

We also had our home visit from the rescue place yesterday and H met the lady and then went away, didn't stay with us. Noticed I showed her all the rooms, including ours. H later asked me why I needed to show her where he sleeps. I just said I don't know, it's a home visit. I couldn't tell if that was a legitimate question or an expression of resentment. Our home visit resulted in approval so now we can bring home a foster dog or adopt a dog anytime now.

I just think H is expressing something indirectly that we should get out in the open. He may want a dog to run with, but he's sort of indirectly on record if the dog poops a lot or messes up the house that he was against it. I don't feel like he's really on board.

He may be thinking that it doesn't matter because he's leaving soon. If that's the case I suppose I would agree that it doesn't matter, because I am willing to handle the consequences of having two dogs, whether H is here or not.

If it's another brick in the wall that might keep us from reconciling though, that's something I'd like to avoid.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2233908 - 03/28/12 01:14 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2775
Loc: VA
Help - spinning bc my military H might be gay and won't wear his rings around our small children.

smile

JK. Wish my thread weren't so banal so I might get more advice and support. It's just a bright spot in my day when I see - oh! - my thread got a reply!

Seriously, though. Today I'm feeling a mix of resentment and resignation that's getting me down. The last couple of weeks have put me through the wringer. It's a luxury to brush my hair or take a shower. I'm still wearing my workout clothes from last night's zumba class because I fell asleep in them.

I'm so tired because I'm essentially a single parent these last couple of weeks. I know it's what I signed on for - I work part time so that I can be available for my kids. But it's hard. All of my time is committed.

I'm trying to get exercise so I can be fit and healthy and a better life partner. I'm taking my kids to dr appointments - asthma, allergy shots, braces, family counseling, all hours of the day. Dog to the vet. Work is busy and I've got 12 people all thinking their whatever is top priority, so I'm getting complaints cc'd to our president. I'm missing deadlines. H complained the kitchen looks like a slum.

I worked till 1am last night and S14 was still up then. Guess what, now he won't get off the floor to go to school so I'm late for work. Telecon at 10 so I'm stuck working from home now. The fish need water.

My orchid is dying, which is ok because it hasn't bloomed in a year and is taking up space on my windowsill - which is like the plant version of the toys in the mean kid's house in Toy Story. My mom says they're living things too, so I feel guilty.

My dog is begging me to take him on a walk.

After school, it's crazy lacrosse practice carpooling, guitar lessons, figuring out dinner. S14 told me this week that I only cook microwave food, which hurt my feelings but is somewhat true. Last night I made chili and chocolate pudding though.

Now I have a chili pot to scrub still. I could use a shower.

Friday's the end of the grading period so the kids are working hard to get missing assignments and such turned in. I'm working with S11 on his goal set by the dr to not gain weight before his 2-week follow up appointment.

This week I evaluated and signed up for four summer camps and am trying to figure out if I can get to Boston with S14 for the NCAA lax championship. I took my parents on a cherry blossom cruise on the Potomac.

I love my life and my family, and I work part time for a reason, but I'm so tired of feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I'm trying to get enough work done to take a day off and go on a strenuous hike with meetup.com people.

My life is a treadmill set .5 mph faster than I'm capable of running.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2233918 - 03/28/12 01:40 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2090
Whoa, that sux! Tell me why you want to add another dog to that mix smile?

I think if H complains about the state of the kitchen, you should toss him the dishrag and tell him to get to work! Regardless of what's happening between the two of you, you're not his servant.

How about setting some boundaries that H needs to do his share with the kids? How about setting some boundaries at work that you can't take on that much? How about telling H he is responsible for dinner 2x per week? If he wants to order in or take you out, that's fine.

You can't let yourself get run over like that, step back, re-evaluate, and draw some new boundary lines.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2233932 - 03/28/12 02:08 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: Accuray]
nhmom Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/11
Posts: 345
Your first line made me laugh! smile

Wow, it sounds like you've got A LOT going on. Being a single parent suxx, doesn't it? At least it's not completely out of control and you're able to write things down. Now look at everything and think about what you can do to make it easier on you.

I agree with Accuray about setting boundaries with H and getting him to lend you a hand...even if it's only got to do with kids, at least he won't feel that he is doing it for you (if that is an issue).

Good for you for finding time to exercise! With the million things going on, it's easy to put your own needs on the back burner. It doesn't matter how chaotic your day is, make sure to set some time aside for yourself. Yay for zumba! That always puts me in a good mood. I hope it does the same for you!

Hang in there, supermom!
_________________________
Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11



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#2233933 - 03/28/12 02:08 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Adinva, I've got to tell you that I am physically exhausted after reading your post. Why on earth would you sign up for so much?

I understand, the busier you are the easier it is to forget your other troubles and perhaps it makes you feel like you are living life. So I get that! I wonder though if there isn't an opportunity to delegate some of the home responsibilities to give yourself some breathing room.

You know we often talk about how if we had only seen the bomb coming...if we only had talked things through...if only we had communicated better with our spouses... maybe we could have avoided the breakup of our marriages. Well, perhaps that is true in other areas of our lives.

My point is that you've got 3 other humans in your life who are capable of sharing the burden of daily household duties. Some of the things you describe as chores you complete are things that the kids should be able to do. As an example, cleaning up after the dog is something the kids should do. I remember when I was a kid and we'd go over to grandmas house, we also had the responsibility of cleaning up after the dogs. I think we were maybe 7 or 8 years old then, so clearly this is something the kids could and should do.

Here's the thing. Why not sit the kids down and explain to them very clearly and directly just how tired you are and how you want the best for them and your family but that you need their help.

Maybe draw up a list of chores that you could use help with and have the kids pick which ones they will help with every day. After the selections are made, put the list and responsible parties on a chore calendar so that they know who is responsible for what. And if there is conflict because one chore is more work than another, then you can switch up accountability's each week so that everyone gets to share in the burden.

Finally, is there a connection with your heavy and overly burdensome responsibilities (home, work, sporting events, pets, etc.) and the problems in your M? Maybe it is time to shed some of the excess and simplify your life.

Hope this is helpful.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2233945 - 03/28/12 02:36 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: 2thepoint]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2090
Stick the plants in the yard and wish them good luck!
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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