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you're welcome ces:)

When she is with her friends as she is now, its like an escape where she shuts out her problems and pretends all is fine.

that's the same with H.

in one conversation a couple of months ago (when he was all emotional and telling me how conflicted he was and in the next breathe telling me how GOOD this was for him and how happy he was) - i pointed out to him that he didn't seem too happy even though he was insisting that he was great.

his answer puzzled and sort of shocked me too - he said very sadly and forlornly: "i'm only like this around you - if you saw me otherwise, you'd be amazed how happy and great i am doing"

i suppose every time he looks at me it hits home what he's doing and he's miserable, but when he's away he can shut his mind so completely for the most part that he really does feel he is wonderfully free and easy.

i suppose your wife, on the trip, can do that even more easily. also - just to help you not get so irate about it, when one is on a trip, it IS rather easy to put home stuff out of one's mind, and in her case and my H's , it is probably a massive relief,

i suppose we should be extremely compassionate and wish them those breaks, because , frankly they are feeling so UTTERLY shitty every time they let themselves think about it, that to wish them that break and some ease of mind is the ultimate compassionate act on our parts.


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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I've gone on a couple of trips since the bomb and it was very different. I was able to more completely put all the drama out of my mind without really trying. All the familiar places and other triggers weren't there. I was around different people, hearing different stories.

But then coming home was difficult.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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AT - my W put the t-shirt away before she left. We'll see if it comes back out or not. Not looking forward to addressing it but then that tells me I really need to for my own sake.

Zig- Thanks again for the perspective. I know my W is not happy in our new home. Regardless of how I feel about her lack of trying to make this a new home and engaging, the reality is she has chosen not to and when she is back with her friends, its like you say, she can focus just on what she likes to do. I've seen the same thing your H said. She is happy and active when she's away from me and with her old group of friends.

LaBug - as far as coming home, the family got home a little after 9. W spent about 5 minutes giving baby talk to the dog and I only got a "hi" after I said it first. But I still smiled when I said it. It was great to see the kids and give them hugs.

The time when W gets back is always rough so we'll see how the week goes. I started my new job today so I'll keep busy with my life and plan to go to Al Anon meeting tomorrow night.

I'd like to take a trip with just me and the kids bu tnot sure what my motives are there. Yes, I'd enjoy the time with just me and the kids but feel it may be a bit vindictive of me not to include my W on purpose.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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You don't have to be vindictive. You can make a plan for you and your kids. It might be interesting to see if W waits for an invitation or acts like it doesn't bug her.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
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CES - last summer I agonized over taking W on the family vacation. She had already alienated her kids and it was very hard for me to round everyone up for this.

I wished I hadn't asked her to go. Bringing a WAW on a family vacation really sukkks. I know we are supposed to leave the road home paved and I convinced myself that this would be part of doing that. She spent every night on the phone w/ OM. Don't know if there's an OM in your sitch though. Hope not.

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The thing is that my wife is still really good with the kids. They know things aren't great but in general the kids lives have not changed all that much. The both get love and attention from both parents. And since we don't talk much the kids don't see us argue either. We still do some family things just not too often.

AT. I know that I don't have to be vindictive but if I'm honest with myself that is my motivation right now. That's not a place where I want my decisions to come from.

Still no t-shirt in sight but we shall see...


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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"but if I'm honest with myself that is my motivation right now. "

if you recognize that, and if you have time to still decide - maybe you could try to work on what the emotions are behind that feeling and figure them out so that whatever you decide you do from a place of love rather than anger and other negative emotions.

remember, we have the choice to take the high road every time - we keep talking about how our WAS's are doing so much stuff that will be so hard for them to come back from. let's make sure that each and everything we do, we will be really proud of later

i'm sure after you think on it a bit, you will feel really good about what you decide


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Quote:
I know that I don't have to be vindictive but if I'm honest with myself that is my motivation right now. That's not a place where I want my decisions to come from.


ces, I have to keep this on my mental dashboard at all times.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
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ces67 Offline OP
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Went to al anon again tonight. One of those deals where I made myself go but very glad I did. Big take away is that I am still working through the resentment.

I have been very blessed with the new job and am taking steps to get myself organized financially. But I am still very angry with my w for all the spending she has done to contribute to the debt and still has made no effort to contribute to helping with her new job. She is still traveling when she wants and buying herself new clothes that she can't afford.

In one sense it is an expectation of mine that she would show responsibility for her actions. In another sense I don't see why I should pay for the debt of her spending. Problem is the cards are in my name so it's my credit if they don't get paid. I can handle the payments. It's just a mental exercise I still go thru because of my resentment. First I recognize that is my issue. Now I work to let go and live my life.

Part of my mental challenge is that I am still working on my marriage and still holding onto expectations of a life together. Because of that focus I have not clearly envisioned what my life looks like moving forward without my w as a partner, even if we are living in the same house. Ah, more to process and learn from.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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How does it happen that she contributes nothing to household expenses? I'm having a difficult time with figuring this out if that is, in fact, what you're saying


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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