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#2229442 - 03/10/12 07:42 PM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Beautiful day today. Blue skies & low 60's.

My first night alone consisted of 2 movies, Dulce de Leche ice cream and keeping up with friends online! Watched Killers Elite and the Rum Diaries. both OK, but glad I rented them and didn't pay the theater price.

W & kids made it to my parents last night. For some reason when I'm not with them driving, one of the kids typically gets car sick. Since I didn't know what time they left town and I figured I have a right to know how my kids are doing, I called to check in around 8:30pm. That's when I found out D was throwing up.

Today I got up and took the dog to the vet for a check up & all is good. Called my kids to say "hi" and let D know her pup was in good shape. W talked to me for a bit and was relieved to hear our dog was good as she was worried about heartworms....

Kids were playing scrabble with my parents and sounded good. I know my parents LOVE having the kids there. Mom's chemo is going great and she's actually feeling really good so that along with having her 2 youngest grandkids to visit with has to be making for a really good weekend.

Actually mowed my grass today and put down some weed killer. For the rest of the day, I just need to get out and be away from this quite house. Will come back later and read some more and start putting together a budget.

I am determined to enjoy my week and be productive.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2230350 - 03/14/12 01:53 AM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
mid week update:

W and kids have been gone since Friday. They spent the first part of their week at my parents house. My parents had a great visit with the kids and said my W was very talkative and engaging with them. My parents know we are struggling so I can be thankful that my W can be kind enough to let the kids visit with with my folks and not make an issue of it.

W left Monday and went to her foster parents with the kids and that's where they are now. They will leave tomorrow and drive back to our former home town and will spend the rest of the week with her friends. She didn't tell me but I'm pretty sure she is staying with her friend who is the wife of the OM.

I must be detaching at some level because I don't let it bother me near as much as I use to. I do hope that if anything is going on, that her friend discovers it and W has to deal with the fall out. I do believe there is some type of emotional attachment to the "idea" of OM but W seems far more focused on the friendship with the wife.

I finished "No More Mr. Nice Guy" tonight. Now I need to go back, re-read it and spend time with the activities at a deeper level. I caught myself many times saying "yeah, but I'm not really that bad...." For me, this is another level of excuses to overlook the things I need to look at more deeply so I am.

Not much GAL stuff this week. I've watched movies, read, worked out and got a decent amount of sleep. I am planning on going out with a friend this Friday.

I've talked with the kids each day. They're not much for talking on the phone but I make sure they hear me say "I love you". My W and I say maybe 2 or 3 sentences to each other and that's it. That has to change somehow. This is never going to get better if we don't start talking about something.

Still to do this week: Make a budget, more working out, deeper dive on the book activities and find some fun things to do this weekend.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2230665 - 03/15/12 01:05 AM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
So today had some fantastic personal positives. I was approached about a job internally back in December and then it just cooled off and dragged on. I ended up with an impromptu interview with our CIO on Monday. Today I got a job offer but not the one I had originally been approached about. This one is even better! And to top it off, I had my mental idea of potential salary increases ranging from "acceptable", to "possible" to "not really but it would be awesome". Well the offer ended actually OVER the "awesome" level! This will be a great step to getting out of debt and gaining some financial freedom for my family. Very excited about this opportunity.

Called and told my W the news. She congratulated me and was pleasant but I sensed our reality of the emotional distance she has from my life.

I had to check myself quickly. Here I had fantastic news and after speaking to her, my thoughts started drifting towards "maybe she thinks she can get a decent settlement out of divorce now." Yep, my mind went there but I stopped it quickly. This was great news and I was going to enjoy it with people who would celebrate with me. So that's what I did and I feel much better about it.

I am doing what I need to do for me and my family and I feel good about it. Her response or reaction to this great news is her deal not mine (I might have to say that to myself a few more times but it is sinking in).
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2230671 - 03/15/12 01:37 AM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
nhmom Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/11
Posts: 345
Dulce de Leche ice cream...my kinda dessert smile

Congrats on the job and on the "OVER the awesome" raise!!! Good things happen to those who wait! I'm sure with all the stuff happening it's nice to get good news and helps quite a bit with self-confidence.

Ouch...your W staying at her friend's who is also the wife of OM. Are they still together? Anyway, good for you for not letting it bother you. She's digging her own hole.

Sounds like you had a great day overall!
_________________________
Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11



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#2230691 - 03/15/12 02:31 AM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: nhmom]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/27/11
Posts: 243
Congrats on the job, ces! I totally sympathise with you about getting out of debt. I could use a windfall right about now, too.

I can very much see myself in your position - if everyone left my house for a week, what would I do? Probably hang around the house, and keep myself busy - but alone. I'd play the guitar (which I perpetually suck at). I'd watch TV. I'd make a computer game. Hang out on facebook. Clean the attic. Finally fix the dryer (only works when it's at a 45 degree angle from the wall...what?) clean the garage.

What I would not do is be with friends who understand me and understand my commitment to my awful marriage. I don't have those.

If I didn't have to work and I had a little extra money, I might decide to go camping as deep in the woods as I could get.

Maybe we should both work a little harder to get some meaningful human contact in our lives.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

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#2230700 - 03/15/12 02:47 AM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: AlwaysTrying]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
NH - I'm not too big on sweets but that ice cream is my 'go to' when a craving hits...

yeah W is there with the kids. OM & friend are married still and have their own business togehter. They seem happy the times I've seen them. I called a while ago to tell the kids good night. They both sounded bored and said their mom was shopping with her friend. I really do think that whatever does exist with OM is in the past and its just an escape fantasy for my W at this point. Her friendship with this lady seems pretty tight. I'm done giving it my energy.

AT - I actualy did go to a movie theater to see a movie. I asked a buddy to go but he had a sick kid he was taking care of. But we are going out Friday to celebrate my new job! But the week nights are kind of hard to find stuff to do. I have called & e-mailed with some friends who live further away and keep in touch that way. But plenty of room for improvement in the GAL domain. With the pay bump, that will make it a bit easier too.

I definitely want to do some more travelling, even if its short day trips for a while to keep costs down.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2230703 - 03/15/12 02:49 AM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/27/11
Posts: 243
I'm thinking maybe I should find one of these "Men's groups" the nice guy book talks about.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2230705 - 03/15/12 02:51 AM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8905
Loc: Sonoran Desert
ces, very cool on the over the "awesome" raise.

You have become so much stronger in the last couple of months.

Do you feel it?
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2230710 - 03/15/12 02:57 AM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/27/11
Posts: 243
I was just looking over your sig -
"Same roof, different rooms
Marriage in limbo. Not sure what direction we're going."

I know it's not fun and it's been going on too long. But I would do terrible and crazy things to get to there from where I am now. I still see a lot of hope for your family.

It sounds like your wife is barely alive and in a lot of pain. I don't know what to say about that. Maybe she can find her way though this and find out she has a loving family around her.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2230785 - 03/15/12 12:27 PM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: AlwaysTrying]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
AT - I've looked too but there aren't any in my areas. Hope you can find out. I think it would be very helpful. Right now I'm just working with a few close friends so they know what I'm working on.

I do see hope for us as well. I started my 2nd post with a list of hopeful signs. Those still exist. The detaching process seems like a yo-yo for me. As I feel a detachment working, something yanks me back up close again before I can drop away. Its almost always my own expectations that do it so again, its a process of letting go of those expectations and living my life.

Bug - Thank you! I do feel stronger and more internal peace about what I'm doing and why. Along with this is still a sadness for the pain my W is dealing with (or not dealing with from my perspective). I also struggle with anger & resentment based upon my expectations of wanting her to move forward with me. I still deal with that but am working through it. I finally bought me the Al Anon book and am reading through it daily.

I'm also fortunate in that my W functions very well for the most part. She is very engaged with the kids and continues to be a great mom to them. There are differences in how she parents now and I disagree with some of the examples she is setting without realizing she is doing it but then I'm probably doing that do some degree as well. She is also very "active" so to speak with her friends and presents herself as a happy & fun person.

Looking back, I realize how often I spend time & energy looking at how my W acts and deals with things and how I let that effect me. I'm working on the conscious effort to step away from that and look at how I am acting, responding and managing my life. It hurts deeply to see my W live a life that has little to no room for me but I can't control that. And its no reason for me to stop living the way I want to.

Along with that "No More Mr. Nice Guy" I can see where I've put the blame on all sorts of things for not living the life I want. I'm changing that for myself and to pass on a better example for my kids.

And on a separate note, the "congrats" e-mails are starting to show up here at work so I'm going to enjoy them!!
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
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