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#2229032 - 03/08/12 10:58 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: ces67]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8526
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I think you have to find the strength to save you. You can't save her but you're right, you can show your children a better way.

I was not a very nice person sometimes before I figured out what my problem was/is. I'm trying to have compassion for myself and that in turn helps me with compassion for others. As another person said at the meeting today, "You can't give to others what you don't have."

I love Alanon.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2229035 - 03/08/12 11:06 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: labug]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1021
Originally Posted By: labug
As another person said at the meeting today, "You can't give to others what you don't have."


That's a great quote. Very biblically based. Psalms 23 talks about our cup running over... It took me a while to realize what that was talking about but its the same idea. We bless others by what we have so the more we can be filled with love, grace, mercy, etc., then the more of that we have to share with others.

Thakns for the reminder, bug! (((lb))))
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2229036 - 03/08/12 11:13 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: ces67]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Originally Posted By: ces67
I've backed away too many times and tonight I just couldn't do it. W walked back into the room and I asked her point blank why she felt the need to be rude to me and critize me. She just said "I don't know". I responded by saying "That answer is getting really old, I hope you find a different one soon." (Yeah, I know not my best DB night).


Originally Posted By: ces67
Earlier in the evening W asked D is she knew where her jeans were. Then she said "Did you ask your dad if he saw him...not that he'd remember". She didn't know I could hear her. So I responded by saying, Can you just ask me without the snide remarks?"


CES, I think you handled that really well. There is nothing wrong with asserting your boundary regarding respect. And I don't think it is anti-DB. After all, asking for what you want is entirely appropriate. Hopefully, your W will adjust her attitude in the future.

So when are you going to talk to her about the tee shirt and picture?
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2229037 - 03/08/12 11:20 PM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: 2thepoint]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1021
Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
So when are you going to talk to her about the tee shirt and picture?


Ah yes, I was hoping to avoid that question but knew I wouldn't here (which is one of the reason I love this place.)

I will be doing it when she gets back. We had enough arguments tonight. Also, tomorrow is the anniversary of her mom's death and I do need to back off at some point. Its been 26 years since her mom died. W is ALWAYS emotional about it. From 3/9 when she died to 3/12 when the funeral was held. Every year she is down around these dates.

I have a card to fill out and leave for her so she knows I remember. W has a lot of mixed emotions about her mom. On one side, they were very close because the dad took off on them. On the other hand W got angry with her mom after our D was born because of how she didn't protect them against a drunk, angry father.

But I will address it the week she is back. And I know you'll hold me accountable for that!
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2229109 - 03/09/12 08:58 AM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: ces67]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
Originally Posted By: ces67
Her response was "Don't you even know what kind of account you had?" in a very sacastic tone. She threw another comment like that at me and I just looked at her and said "Do you want to talk about this or just criticize me?"

At that she said "I don't want to do anything. You should have done the taxes since you did them last year" and walked out of the room. At that point I went through the papers and reviewed what was needed and let here know it looked fine to me.


Good for you for standing up for yourself. Never regret that. You have to try to break the habit of trying to make things go smoothly all of the time. It's not really helping your M.

After I started reading the Nice Guy book and standing up for myself when my wife would be demeaning, she got SO angry. Some of the worst I've seen from her. I just made it clear that I wasn't willing to be treated that way. I didn't yell, I was just firm in my expectation to be treated with respect. I should have tried that years ago. I was afraid of precisely the kind of reaction I got out of her, when I was only trying to smooth things over and make her negative feelings go away, like that was my job.

But it only took about two weeks of doing this with really only two notable tantrums on my wife's part before it stopped. She doesn't treat me that way any more. We communicate better.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

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#2229113 - 03/09/12 09:05 AM Re: LRT (also known as Limbo land) [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
Originally Posted By: ces67
But her excuse is "you're a nice guy but there are lots of nice guys and I don't love them either."

I'm thankful that she knows she is safe with me. But I'm ready to kill this "nice guy" and bury the body where no one can find him again...


You really hit the nail on the head. She doesn't need the nice guy. She feels safe, but he's just not attractive. Bury him and get in touch with yourself. Nice guy just doesn't have the life energy to be compelling. He's trying hard to get approval from people and attract them, but he needs to learn to be comfortable being who he is.

Kill the nice guy. He's not helping you, your wife, your family, or your M.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

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