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#2228718 - 03/07/12 08:13 PM Re: I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends [Re: labug]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
Quote:
She has not changed her feelings (it has been a week).
Dude... get ready for some serious delayed gratification.

A week? That's barely enough time to dislike you only a tiny little bit more than she does now.

I've been on this rodeo since September of last year. That's still nothing compared to some. This is going to go on and on, accept that now. Life will get better, a little at least, once you do.

I know what your life is like right now. You are examining and re-examining every piece of information, comment, or item your W says or does. You look for clues. What is she thinking? What is she doing? Does this mean a change of heart? What about this? What about that?

Stop it. You will drive yourself crazy. I drove myself crazy. I did all of what you're doing. I could barely function. I would check phone records. I'd track internet activity. I'd mope, cry, howl, plead, beg. I broke into her Facebook account to read her messages. More because I wanted to connect with her somehow than anything else.

In the end... it just drove me crazy and drove her away faster.

Then the folks on this board told me to knock it off. Oldtimer challenged me more than I care to count and I usually didn't listen. But when I did life got better.

You will hear this often and it will take a while to understand it, but detach. Now. Start now. It will be hard. You love her. You love your family. You love having a family and having a wife. The idea of not having a family or a wife is hard. It's embarrassing, it's emasculating. There's shame, or feelings of shame, in having your family fall apart. Admit, deal with it, face it for what it is.

If you're not seeing a counselor go do that. You need someone safe to talk to. Someone you can pour your heart out to, cry to, lament to, and hear you out. YOUR W CANNOT BE THAT PERSON.

You may lose your house. You may lose your car. Those are material things that can be replaced. You can downsize. You can be foreclosed on and survive. Lord knows that's nothing new in America today. You won't lose your kids if you do this right. You may lose your W but you may get her back eventually.

But there are no guarantees on the last piece. None. Sorry. Every so often you will hear someone lament and plead that DBing doesn't work. They're right. There's no promise that it works. But what's the alternative? To be this pleading, moping, depressed, sad sack... who wants to go back to that? Or to be this angry, emotional, out of control, aggressive/abusive jerk? Who wants their kids to be around that?

Tomorrow marks six months since my bomb, which was delivered the day before our anniversary. When my bomb was dropped she was going to be out by November. She moved out in February. We never talked. It was dark and cold in my house. No words, no comments, just anger. Today my W and I had lunch together and spent three hours shopping for birthday presents for our S. This does not mean we're together or anywhere close. But it does mean we can at least get along, communicate, and co-parent. Db hasn't saved my marriage (yet) but it has saved some semblance of an R with my W. And considering we have S together and a SS and SD in the middle of this that is something of great value to me.

You are scared how this will affect your kids. That's reasonable. I was and am too for my kids. I hate the pain it's brought them. But understand that they will look to you to understand how to process this. What do you want them to see? Suffering or strength?

Lastly... you are in control of all of this. I know right now it doesn't feel like that. It feels like the world is spinning away from you. Like you're playing a game but no one will tell you how time is left on the shot clock. It suxx.

But that's all an illusion. Divorces happen. Reconciliations happen too. Your marriage was a piece of paper that created a legal condition. A divorce is the same thing. Neither of them mean a darn thing when it comes to DBing. You are in control because you can keep working on this as long as you want to. When you're ready to be done, then you're done.

Two quotes that have helped me throughout my sitch...
"Women are attracted to men who control their emotions, not to those controlled by their emotions."

"Today is not the day I give up. Tomorrow may be that day... but today is not it."

You CAN do this. You CAN put up with the pain. You CAN thrive. You CAN change yourself. It will be hard but you can do it.

In the end it may or may not be enough to bring your W back. But it will be enough to make a better dad and a better you. That's worth more than a M anyway. You can always get another M if you want to... you only get one you.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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#2228790 - 03/08/12 03:08 AM Re: I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends [Re: workinghardguy]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Since today was my birthday decided what the heck and broke more of the 37 rules. Asked her why we can be close during the day and that when she comes home she barely says two words. Told me that she has to pull back so that I do not think things are better. In my head I am thinking, that is the last thing I am thinking. I know that there is a lot of work and we have just scratched the surface.

She liked my changes and believe that they are all temporary. Told her that's I could not change how she feels but I believe my R with the kids has become better.


I snooped and discovered that she was looking at places with occupancy by 5/1. Then texted her and asked her when she was leaving. She stated that she had been looking and that she still feels the way she does.

I then said that why should the kids have to move, if she is miserable then she should move out.

After W came home from work we had dinner and cake, I bought a birthday cake, her face has been buried in a book since then.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2228821 - 03/08/12 08:42 AM Re: I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends [Re: Sad in WI]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
S10 woke me up at 3 this morning and did not feel good yet. Told hime to lay down a cuddled him until this morning when W came down. Conversation was light and drama free.

My family is telling me to f*ck it, she should not be doing this and if she loved me she would not be acting this way (morale booster huh?). I simply say I am working on things I can control and that I am enjoying the time I have with the kids.

S10 is home again for the 4th day, W could not miss work, told her that I would not want her to miss work since it is such a new job. Told her it was ok. My boss was more than understanding. She helped with D6 this morning.

She downloaded a few books for her I-Pad so she is engrossed in them this morning.

I truly did not realize how much work the kids are. These last two weeks have showed me that.

I am going to stay focused on my work today and when I drop D6 off at school today I will pick a few things up for dinner for the family. Need to stay focused and in moments of weakness pick up the DB book and come here. It is very hard for me to keep my "fix" mentalilty in check. That will only push her farther away.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2228957 - 03/08/12 04:06 PM Re: I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends [Re: Sad in WI]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Today after I was finished with what work I could do from home I decided to change things up a bit.

Decided to shave (don't unless I need to), put a pair a khakis on and button down shirt (usually jeans) and decided to make dinner for the family. Nicer clothes make me feel better and I think I look better.

I also downloaded "How to Fix Your Marriage Without Talking About It." I have read it and also re-read the DB 180's. Really wish I would have read the How to Fix book before the R went south.

Texted W to let her know son's current state. No drama.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2229015 - 03/08/12 09:33 PM Re: I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends [Re: Sad in WI]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Had dinne one when W came home. She was not interested in eating. I thought I was the only one. She stated that she wanted to go TKO, tolde her to go tonight.

I did not let my emotions out or showed her that I was disappointed when he dd not eat with us.

W seems so back and forth, one minute she is talking my ear off the next not a word. I this common? I am tring to remain emotionless either way.

She has been helping more with my D6 today. Bing home with my S10 the last few days has been one of the hardest things i have done.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2229038 - 03/08/12 11:27 PM Re: I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends [Re: Sad in WI]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
Quote:
My family is telling me to f*ck it, she should not be doing this and if she loved me she would not be acting this way (morale booster huh?).
Family will be of little help. They love you and want what's best for you, except they're human which means they also have self-interest at play. While they want you to be happy... they also don't want to have to watch you in pain. Hence the attitude of "drop her and move on".

My mom has always thought of my W as her own daughter. She co-signed the loan so my W could go to nursing school when my W's own parents wouldn't. Yesterday my mom tells me I'm crazy for putting up with this and for not "taking her to task" for all the pain she is causing the kids. At that point I literally put the phone down so she could rant a little and then came back about two minutes later just as her rant was wrapping up.

And don't expect any help from her family either. Blood is thicker than anything and they all stick together no matter what.

Quote:
W seems so back and forth, one minute she is talking my ear off the next not a word
Yes, this is completely normal (or as normal as any of this is). The WAS is human too. Humans are drawn to the known and the comfortable. So yes, she will talk your ear off at times. And other times she will lock you out.

If you want to make her feel the loss of you then you need to not be as available for those "chats". I did not do that very well at all when W and I were still in the same house. Being successful at being dark in your own house is a very challenging endeavor.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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#2229081 - 03/09/12 05:57 AM Re: I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends [Re: workinghardguy]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Going dark for me is very hard. Since we barely talk now I welcome any interaction the two of us have. It seems like she is fighting with herself to keep the wall up, it goes down a little then she works twice as hard to keep it up.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2229103 - 03/09/12 08:37 AM Re: I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends [Re: Sad in WI]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8408
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Originally Posted By: Sad in WI
Going dark for me is very hard. Since we barely talk now I welcome any interaction the two of us have. It seems like she is fighting with herself to keep the wall up, it goes down a little then she works twice as hard to keep it up.



Is that what you want to happen?

Are you helping her build the strong wall she needs to keep you out?

I would guess all she thinks about you right now is how much you are driving her crazy and wondering why you don't get it when she tells you it's over.

And forget that she said she wants to be friends. Saying that just makes the WAS feel better.

If you want to work at this, leave her be.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2229119 - 03/09/12 09:19 AM Re: I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends [Re: labug]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Labug,

I can stop calling, texting and emailing her. She has initiated the calls or texts. When she is at home I am focusing my attention on the kids, W is talkative in the morning, do I ignore her? The talk is light never about the M or us. Usually about the finances and the kids.

I am not puppy dogging her, but how else do I show her that I am ok with the space when we are together? All help has been and will be appreciated.

Thanks.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2229129 - 03/09/12 09:43 AM Re: I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends [Re: Sad in WI]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8408
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Treat her like you would treat a friendly neighbor.

Use this time to show her the new you, a you that doesn't depend on her to make you happy...or sad.

Don't do things to get a reaction from her, positive or negative, just try to find and be, you.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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