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S10 is sick again today so I will be working from home again. Should be a little easier since D6 is going back to school.

Had to drop W's car at the dealer before work so I had to drive her to work. Stopped @ StarBucks and had a nice conversation on the way to work. W kissed the kids good-bye and she waived I returned same with a smile.

Will stick to get catching up on my work today. Trying to get used to living for now and not tring to put a quick fix on things. Our S10 has been behaving so much better, this really is a God send.


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Stupid question, but seeking some help:

General mood of wife on the phone while at work is "blah" (much better spirits before or after work). I start to get tense and I feel awkward.

W has requested space and have not called. Do I tell her what I am thinking (I would prefer not to talk to you while working at this point) or appreciate that she is initiating contact with me?


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Is she contacting you? or are you contacting her?

General guidelines is to not respond, or do so selectively, when she contacts you. If it's about the kids, ok. Otherwise let her start to feel your absence.

If she really needs to get a hold of you she will try. Otherwise it's sort of this weird "touchstone" thing where the WAW wants to leave and be on her own, but at the same time wants to know you're there still as her security. It's like this line straddling without committing one way or the other.

Now I realize there are issues in your R where perhaps you haven't been there for her. But you can address that through action. Taking care of the kids, participating in finances, being invested in your family... having small talk chats on the phone isn't that.

The other general rule is end convos on your terms. Whether that's a text exchange or a phone call. Be the one to end it, don't leave her that power.


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SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
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Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
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[quote=workinghardguy]
Now I realize there are issues in your R where perhaps you haven't been there for her. But you can address that through action. Taking care of the kids, participating in finances, being invested in your family... having small talk chats on the phone isn't that.
quote]

Working Hard - I think that is it, I have not been there for her for so long, just got another call concerning the car


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Originally Posted By: HollyAnn
W is feeling no consequences for her actions and H is, what? Just there to babysit so W can continue to do as she pleases?
I see no strength here, just emasculating behaviors.


Per my db coach "it's NOT the spouse's job to make their spouse 'feel the consequences' of their actions or 'teach them a lesson'. Life does that".

Aside from appearing vindictive, We don't know what his w feels but

she sounds confused and miserable to me. And since leaving the house is probably not the legally smart thing to do, what are you suggesting he do - kick her out-- so he can work to save the m?

it's not about being "right" it's about being happy.

ALL WAS's are cake eaters for some amount of time.

They want out of the marriage and we the lbs'ers want it to last.

So for awhile, WE (LBSers) DO ALL THE WORK, and that's that.


At some point it must change, sure I'll buy that. But that's down the road after SHE chooses to work on the m.

To suggest he dump her now to "show her", would be counterproductive and might appear punitive. I'm not suggesting he be a doormat. Not at all.

If he were to seriously GAL, Detach and do HUGE 180s I don't think he'd be seen as weak at all. On the contrary,

GAL the way I envision, would keep him home w/his kids but busy, strong and upbeat, & NOT available to babysit for her at all, unless it was his kid time (and safe for the kids).

Getting a sitter soon may have to happen but it's cheaper than an apartment.

And if she insists on divorcing but staying under one roof--she is delusional. But HE doesn't have to tell her that...it's hers to discover. Lots of this is for her to figure out. He can't do it TO her or For her.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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25yearsmlc,

You summarized very nice and neat and in a little package the situation I am in. The purpose of my 180's in not too "show her up," but are rather my choices to change behaviors in myself to make me a better person.

I am approaching day 3 of my S10 illness. Ended up taking S to the clinic and the DR said another day at home. Told the W I can and would be able to stay at home. W just started this job less than 6 months ago, would not want to do anything to jeapordize that. Was concerned that if I did this, that I could not help on Friday, said no problem, that this is not an issue. Tension is back up and has said very little too me, went to bed.

Mind you W called 4 times this afternoon concerning the car and S10. I ended the conversations.

I am trying to do GAL activities that are "kid friendly" things that we have been wanting to do for a long time. Always ask the W if she wants to join along.

The last two days at home with kids have been hard, and the last week of having primary care for them has challegned me in ways that I have not been challenged in awhile.

W yesterday was helping me and initated conversation. Perhaps today, I am making to big of a deal about her lack of communication. It shouldn't bother me how she is acting, I have been going above and beyond for the kids. My relationship with them is getting stronger and in the end that is what matters.

I do think she is miserable and my instinct is too confront her and "try to get to the bottom of things." Thing is I am realizing that the "things" bothering her are hers. Nothing I say will change that at this point.

When does one know when they should/can/ever expect their partner to help with the work and eventually the M?


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And it is my Birthday tommorrow, have not told the kids and do not expect anything from her. Given the stances, treating it as just another day with my WAS/MLC W.


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Happy bday tomorrow. Isn't 25 sharp? Well you don't have apartner so you should have no expectations. She is not a part of u anymore. It is like ripping flesh apart. This is going to be the hardest thing in your life. I'm still struggling with it myself. So let's get to what matters. What are your GALing activities and 180s?


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John Wooden





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Rick1963,

My GAL's are:

Getting back to working out at the gym, Going to a church, join a men's hockey league, and attack the list on things/places I would like to see with my kids.

My 180's in no particular order:

Make the kids my number one priority when I get home from work until they go to bed,
Not take the frustations of the job out on the family,
Make sure the kids are could to go in the morning,
Not get offended or rush to judgment on financial affairs,
If something around the house is bothering me - rather than complain I am doing it myself,
Start to accept people I know and those around me that I may have not been very found of in the past,
Really try to listen and choose my words before I speak.

Of course this is a list and is always a work in progress.


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Sounds like a good start sleep well my friend


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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