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Jenna -

I'm sure many people follow your story. But if you're headed in the right direction and pieces are going into their places, then there's not much advice that can be offered probably.

People are quick to jump on when someone seems to be in desperate need of help, seems stuck, or whatever. Maybe it's a good sign that not many people are posting...maybe you're doing things right.

And there is a lot more traffic in the newcomers section as that's where we all go first when we feel desperate and new at this (I know I'm still a newbie with lots to learn).

Please do post your stories as it will give people hope and something to look forward to. You'd be helping many people to keep going and not to give up!


Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11


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Hi Jenna! I just came over to piecing not too long ago. It is a quiet place isn't it?! I wish there was some sort of manual we could follow. I have questions often.
We are gearing up for our marriage weekend. I am excited because I know we will have fun but also somewhat apprehensive about what we will be talking about. I am SO tired of talking about my feelings. And, some are very hard to talk about. But, I am thankful H initiated this and wants to go. Its a far cry from where we were last year at this time!
I have followed your thread but never posted because I don't feel I have anything to offer but wanted to say HI and I am happy for you!
I have good and bad days still. The bad days are where I start to think- who did you think you were doing this to us?!?!? I have made a decision to forgive H and OW everyday when I wake up. As H and I communicate about what happened it will always amaze me because it is almost word for word what the vets told me was going on and why he was doing it. That amazes me how alike the MLC/WAA can be!
Anyway, good luck to you!

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Originally Posted By: lifejustgothard2
Hi Jenna! I just came over to piecing not too long ago. It is a quiet place isn't it?! I wish there was some sort of manual we could follow. I have questions often.
We are gearing up for our marriage weekend. I am excited because I know we will have fun but also somewhat apprehensive about what we will be talking about. I am SO tired of talking about my feelings. And, some are very hard to talk about. But, I am thankful H initiated this and wants to go. Its a far cry from where we were last year at this time!

How long were you in the bomb phase if you don't mind me asking? Are you going to Retroville...is that what the M weekend is?
I have followed your thread but never posted because I don't feel I have anything to offer but wanted to say HI and I am happy for you!
I have good and bad days still. The bad days are where I start to think- who did you think you were doing this to us?!?!? I have made a decision to forgive H and OW everyday when I wake up. As H and I communicate about what happened it will always amaze me because it is almost word for word what the vets told me was going on and why he was doing it. That amazes me how alike the MLC/WAA can be!
Anyway, good luck to you!

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Jenna - hope you and fam are having a great day!!!

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Jenna,

I just wanted to say that I've read most of your posts and your relationship and strength are truly an inspiration to me! My husband left me almost three weeks ago (3 days after Valentine's Day) and my world has not been the same. I've tried the LRT, but I'm not completely good at it. I will randomly text him about our dog together, but today I finally decided I'm done with texting him at all. I don't want to make him communicate with me, so that's what I am going to do for myself. Do you have any more tips for me? My original post is http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...321#Post2224321

Also, did I read that you went on a marriage retreat?? Anyways, I'm so glad you are piecing it together!!


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
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Hey Rick- no we are not going to Retroville. But, I suppose it is something like it. Christian based- 3days long.
Bomb phase. Well H told me he wasn't "happy" last Sept. Moved out in March and eventually in with OW and was out of the house for 8 months. Came back this November. What a year! Bad and good. Thankful he is home.

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This is probably the most traffic I've ever had here! Even when I posted in newcomers, and I have 3-4 threads in that section, I rarely had replies. I had to practically beg for help at times frown

Well, a couple of nights ago was extremely traumatizing. Here is a very condensed version: I found out that J had kept something from me and all hell broke loose. He started yelling about how he isn't good enough for me, this feels like the old R and it's his fault. He said he was leaving again, except this time he said he was still in love with me, and he was leaving because I deserve better. The whole thing was so absurd! We didn't sleep that night, and had therapy the next morning at 8am. He was numb. He said he wasn't sure if his feelings for me were fizzling or if he was just numb, but he didn't know how to feel. I burst into tears. It felt like the bomb all over again. Later that day he told me he in fact was numb earlier and he IS still in love with me. His feelings are not fizzling, according to him. He said he hasn't changed enough.

Oh, the first issue that caused the fight was me asking him about his feelings for OW. He wouldn't talk about it. He said he's told me how he felt before (that he doesn't feel that way for her anymore) and how he felt while we were split up isn't my business and not something I deserve to know. It made me feel like he felt more strongly for her than he told me. It scared me because he still works with her. He later told me he didn't want to talk about when we were split up at all because I used to obsess about it before. It's true. I left him 5 years ago and 4 months into it he slept with someone. He was still in love with me, but I had an OM (the one that I said I was in love with our entire R...yeah). When we got back together, I obsessed about the OW. It was ugly. It lasted for years.

Anyway, we are still together. I decided to not bring up OW or the past anymore. It was slowly killing us. I just have to trust that he is over whatever he saw in her before and that he won't leave again. VERY hard to do considering he was talking about leaving the other night. We have to be patient with each other and honestly stop being so serious about everything! We need to RELAX and let things go. We need to forgive and trust.

It's so hard to trust him about OW. He says I have nothing to worry about because nothing happened and he loves me, not her. Yes, nothing physically happened, but she was part of the catalyst for him leaving a 9-year relationship. She ended things with them after 1 date. I'm apprehensive. According to our therapist, I have a right to be. But focusing on her only brings her into our R, the exact place I do not want her to be.

J had to get over and trust that I didn't love OM anymore when we got back together 5 years ago after a 4 month separation. I can get over this. It's nothing compared to what he's had to deal with. It helps me to keep that into perspective.

-------------------------------------------------

Stephanie, I'll check out your thread! So sorry this is happening to you. No marriage retreat for us.


M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
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Thank you so much for your response. Yes, please look at my thread and any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
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Jenna
Sorry for the lack of response. Him threatening to leave again was him grasping at whatever emotional leverage he had to get you to back off.

Yes it is true that you need to let go of OW, otherwise you'll just drive him to her or another one again. If you treat him like he is still cheating, well then he has nothing to lose. (people are really good at crazy rationalization like that)

That being said during piecing it is important that the returning spouse learns that threatening to leave the relationship is a very dirty fighting technique. If you let it slide, and more importantly if he gets his way you will see him use this again and again.

Next time just call his bluff. It's incredibly painful to do so, but you don't want him threatening to leave because you bought the wrong type of soda. (it's a ridiculous example, but it can get pretty crazy at times)

Besides who wants to stay with someone who threatens to leave at the slightest sign of trouble.

One more thing, I'm a little concerned about him (in your words) being a pushover. It may not be very obvious right now, but you are slowly losing respect for him, this is a sure fire way for a woman to lose attraction for their partner. IMHO this is why a lot of guys get cheated on.

Of course you yourself can't get him to do this, but maybe talking to your therapist about it in private.

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Jenna....it sounds like you know the answers already about where you need to be to make this work. At least you know. You have to breathe and stay centered when your emotions take over.

Have you read the DB chapter on cheating? It can help!

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