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#2228741 - 03/08/12 03:15 AM Re: 11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do? [Re: 25yearsmlc]
Yasu Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/12
Posts: 144
In answer to the previous question, if I indeed, wanted to cease all calls from a certain person I would do either:

A) Change my phone number

B) Put a block on the caller.

A year ago, I send husband a check tonpay two years in advance for the call-blocking system on his phone. (as the cell phone, seems to be my ONLY weak point). I assumed he did it for so many months, and I never even tried to call. After our January 2011 courtdate I totally broke, and went into grieving. I dialed the number. And the block was not there. Consequently, he heard me grieve.

I realize this is all about self control, which I am now exercising, even though I paid $180 in advance to protect my propensity to turn to the cell VM when in pain.

As we prepare documentation for attorney for money he owes me, perhaps we should demand a refund for the $180!

As well, 25, I have read that some get off knowing that LBS still makes those calls, so inconvenience may not be the real reason for dissing the calls, nor changing the number. If it was so bloody bad, at least put the "prepaid" block on there. My intellect tells me the calls serve some significance, if even entrapment evidence against me. Yas
_________________________
Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08
Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012

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#2228778 - 03/08/12 06:14 AM Re: 11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do? [Re: Yasu]
Yasu Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/12
Posts: 144
Oh dear. Again, I am ashamed of myself. But I tell you all the complete truth that goes thru my mind, dispite the shame.

Tonight, I got myself on another topic as there are tenants interested in the rental home I have worked so hard on for six months. It rather exciting to see the return on my investment in terms of a higher rental amount!

Looks good. Good enough to make the trip to meet the tenants. Need to make trip anyway - to get away, and move my stuff back home.

I will need to do a little work there - switch out all electrical sockets and wall switches, and replace all plates. Also, need to get a dishwasher installed, and install myself a few ceiling fixtures, and she's done!

I will miss the place. But need to turn efforts to this place now, once Athens is secured and rented.

Oh, the reason for the daytime sleeping. Escape. I use medication that I am allowed to have for anxiety to increase my ability to sleep. Often, in the daytime, after my coffe, I really do not wish to be conscious. Anti-anxiety medicine can relax you to a point of falling asleep, as well as ADHD medications. Which I would say is a mis use (not an abuse) of medication.

Doctor has changed ADHD medicine to Adderall which is much more likely to keep me awake. He told me to hold back due to insomnia. With recent medication mistakes it really is hard to judge what is what.

My guess when I see doctor next week is that we need to increase antidepressant (welbutrin to 450). The sleep escape is obviously depression from our most recent discussions on-line.

He will probably give me the ok to try the Adderall once the depression is controlled. I actually could email him about tomorrow. What ya think? I slept four hours this afternoon (escaping). Please advise tomorrow, he could phone in the 150 welbutrin - and it would have the weekend to take effect. I think I need it. I'm pretty freaked out about going out of doors and driving. Let me know. Yas
_________________________
Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08
Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012

Top
#2228812 - 03/08/12 12:57 PM Re: 11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do? [Re: Yasu]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10919
Loc: west coast
Yas,

if you are asking for my opinion on your prescritions, I'd defer to your doctors. I have a doctorate in LAW, not medicine.

I happen to know from someone close to me, that adderall AND wellbutrin at that level, would keep a horse awake. But I don't know the other meds or effects OR your body

or your other health issues.

I do wish you'd take Bond's advice about learning to get TOOLS for life skills to cope with life on its' terms...

other than the meds.


Sure, the meds can bridge a gap for you

OR treat an underlying chemical imbalance...I get that, and I support it.

But right now, you are blaming the medication "mistakes" for a lot of your distractability and overthinking things and CALLING your h and them blaming your h for not blocking you yikes!

(and arent' the med mistakes - yours? So what are you going to do to reduce them?)

If my h told me to put a block on MY phone AND change my number (even if he paid for it) I would see that as incredibly odd & controlling of him.

You are the one asking him (or demanding) for a favor b/c

you cannot control YOU --and you want him to change HIS number and send out new info to busines /social contacts b/c you are afraid you will call him. I don't want to crush your hopes but I see far too little movement towards a reconciliation from him, to spend energy on it.

Stop worrying about what his actions/inactions mean or don't mean. I will post a piece on Detachment for you to ponder at the end of this.

You don't see anything odd about YOU imposing your will on him-wanting him to change HIS phone

b/c you lack the self control it takes to not call. Maybe you can block yourself...somehow, or just behaviorally.

See, I think that type of behavior validates his choice to leave,

though you have been vague about what HE SAID when he wanted out.

I want to know if you are countering the negatives he has of you

with positive different behaviors
...are you? How so?

Moving forward in your life does Not = giving up. It increases your level of happiness which is attractive

and if he turns your way, you'll be a lot more ready to heathily engage...

if he does not, you will still be better off that much sooner.

make sense?

here's the short piece on DETACHMENT, which is key to your mental and emotional health...to all of ours.



II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.

Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.

We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are & always have been, responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want so I must pull back." It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2228913 - 03/08/12 06:05 PM Re: 11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do? [Re: 25yearsmlc]
Yasu Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/12
Posts: 144
Thank you 25. Having a doctorate myself in assessment, measurement and evaluation, I can tell you I feel like a complete idiot when I come up with such ideas. That is the reason Phychiatriast is having me come in more frequently. While I like to "play" doctor at home, I never do anything without the doctor's prescription! No worries! I learned that I am not my doctor two decades ago.

VM Extinguishment Bursts

If I blamed these for the reason of my distraction and recent mistakes I was completely wrong. If I blamed husband for my lack of control when I get in one of the moods, infrequently, I was completely wrong. The simple fact is that I was unable to control my urge and expectation for immediate gratification and attention at that moment I wanted to handle the VM matters I called about.

If he chides to be nonresponsive, I have the option to call the attorney rather than get piss't off and distracted or obsessed with the problem or business matter.

Root of Distraction Problem and Increased Meds

Once I returned home from rental, I was twice serveiled on the road. These took me quite by surprise. I hadn't felt with this problem in months. One Serveillence he himself followed me 15 miles to my doctors appointment. The next one was at the grocery very soon after. I took these as signs of his interest (mindreading) only to get slammed with threats of a trial - which frightened me.

All, culminated in extreme anxiety and insomnia, and phichaitrist upped several doses. On my home from that doctor I got that fat ticket, followed by several other mistakes with medication, and important emails and business matters I goofed up. That is when I really started posting a lot on DB. As my therapist corrected me today, "I allowed" those two surveilences to really get to me.

And I did, (and still do) believe they were the root of my spinning once I got home. And I think I would Have less anxiety if I could drive without seeing him, or others perched watching me. It is stopped, it was weeks ago, and I just have to get over it.

This severe anxiety, once it starts, it's like a tornado. I am just now realizing these events had to have been at least a couple weeks ago, maybe four weeks ago. That is why it is very nice if the tornado is not started in the first place. As during a tornado, a lot of damage can be done.

Yes, he knows very well he pushed the buttons to start this tornado with the surveilences, purposely holding back my checks, and shorting the mortgage to the last possible day it would go on the credit report. These latter tactics are new, and were effective. So, I cannot let him yank my chain.

However - I just don't understand how he bears no responsibly by purposely entagonizing a highly medicated person, he well knows is prone to paranoia in certain curcumstances. Can you explain that to me?

I will address the rest of you post as well later on this evening. Yas
_________________________
Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08
Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012

Top
#2228914 - 03/08/12 06:17 PM Re: 11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do? [Re: Yasu]
Yasu Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/12
Posts: 144
Let me add, when I realize I am distracted, for whatever reason, it is my responsibility to take reasonable precautions. Therefore, any mistakes, (despite their root beginnings, or remedies to cure the anxiety caused from events), are my mistakes and no one else's.

Theripist thought I used good judgement in precautions once mistakes were identified. Therefore we decided having Medical assistance from Medicare would just make me dependent.

Anyway, all this that I just wrote is what we worked on in the theripy today. I brought you notes 25.

Couldn't do it all in 50 min. But I will study more later today after my GAL at the hairdresser. Yas
_________________________
Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08
Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012

Top
#2228942 - 03/08/12 08:06 PM Re: 11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do? [Re: Yasu]
Yasu Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/12
Posts: 144
The detachment piece is the clearest and most concise I've read, 25. I thought I was there while I was away the past months at the rental. But I was just running away from the triggers. I so enjoyed my time there because I went out without worrying about serveilence.

But really, I demonstrated extremely depressed behavior and slept most of the time.

Today the therapist, for the second time, pointed out I seem to be in a denial/bargaining state. I agree. I have reached gut wrenching grieving. But obviously I have not finished.

I have to work on the detachment. I misread withdrawal as detachment. Help.
_________________________
Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08
Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012

Top
#2228945 - 03/08/12 08:19 PM Re: 11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do? [Re: Yasu]
Broken74 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/12
Posts: 288
Hi Yas! Since I am still working to learn the DB principles I don't have any specific advice for you since I am still figuring everything out... But I do want to say that I keep up with your sitch and pray for you everyday. Keep your chin up and know that everybody here is rooting for you! :-)
_________________________
me 38
W 30
T 3
M in 05/2010
Separated 08/2011
Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8
I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5
Anxiously waiting on the judge!

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#2228994 - 03/08/12 11:25 PM Re: 11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do? [Re: Broken74]
Yasu Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/12
Posts: 144
Thank you Broken. I feel so broken, too. Please do not be stood and waste over three years kidding yourself. I am so happy you found the forum soon after your crisis began. Today I am so saddened to face that I may just be at the beginning. I'm just not processing, just obviously too many drugs.

I'm tracing my slow down to the start of the heavy doses of mood stabilizers, about two years ago. The introduction of those things also made me nonproductive and zombee like.

I was excited again revamping my art sculpture that had just been junked in the basement, as husband didn't like. And that is fair enough. They are very challenging pieces - and they are huge. They are electronic assemblages that contrast concepts such as heaven and he'll, good and evil, etc. Spinning heads, bloodied mummies, tattooed baby dolls, religious figures, all back dropped with party lights. They are creepy, voodooesk - but now, are proudly displayed in the front living room, yes, the rooms with the seven foot bay windows on the front. I thing I was actually GALing back then.

Surveillance suddenly started big time spring 2010. Both on the road, and at places I went. I got scared in the grocery store and had a panic attack. The ambulance was called and I ended up in the hospital. It's been downhill since.
I never quite got back on track after that.

The difference between then and now is that I am not afraid of the servielence. And it has really toned down, since the neighborhood observed it and got involved. The only other difference is the mood stabilizer in my system, and increased doses of AD's. Well, I see Psychiatrist again early next week. I am telling him I still am not right. Exerting I write here is a huge manic contradiction.

Please understand, my lovely readers and contributors, I am not bull headed. I am a very good learner and reporter. I just don't know if I'm coming or going. Bit I am paying close attention, and absorbing your responses and analysis as quickly as I can. Too, bringing our discussion to Theripist so there will be some solution based direction. I think this is a very good therapist - I can judge by his openness to the forums principles, and responses.

I had a therapist that was extremely condescending that I tolerated way too long. I'm in good hands now.

Today, running to another state seemed like a really good idea, literally! But I know I cannot disappear.

For real though, I really don't care to live here as my marriage is obviously over. This is not my choice of a place to live. Plus, I don't want to see him, even by accident. It will never be good for me. This is problematic with upsideown homes, three of them. I would really like to live in Chicago, which is where I am from if I were to set a goal to work towards. It is not a realistic goal, but, I have reached goals that did not seem realistic before. Hmmm.

25, I realize there is a question pending. When my husband abandoned me for a second time in Greece, I did not return home for a few months. No one knew where I was for a long time. Someone in the family spotted me in a village nearby the family home. I really had no idea how close these towns were to one another. The word got round that I was living abroad without my husband. I'm told colorful rumors began in the villages, and spread, shaming my Greek family. American married woman traveling alone, without her husband, for months, is not acceptable behavior in the old culture, period. That's a nice way to put it.

Finially, my husband came over to Greece, and hired detectives to try to find me, unsuccessfully. The plan was to have me served. I got home just after he got home. We made up. Subsequently, he said he wanted a divorce. I asked him to leave the marital home, and I high tailed it to an attorney that I had pre-selected a year prior, and got my filing in first by just a few hours.

And that is what happened. My doctor (at the time) supported my time away, and I came back 30 pounds lighter, and better able to cope, and make a stand on how I would handle his abuse in the future.
_________________________
Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08
Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012

Top
#2228997 - 03/08/12 11:51 PM Re: 11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do? [Re: Yasu]
ptcr Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/12
Posts: 88
25 - you are a genius. Where did you get that Detachment article/thought. I have put it on a sticky. If you read my sitch, you can see I am having problems between attaching and detaching. Luckily, I am just sitting here angry so it doesn't matter and I haven't made any rash comments to him. So....reading and rereading your post. Thank you.
_________________________
Me: 44 H: 45
Married 22
S 18, S 16
Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12

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#2229001 - 03/09/12 12:32 AM Re: 11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do? [Re: ptcr]
Yasu Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/12
Posts: 144
Yes PTC - it is a gem! Is is so direct and clear, without a trace of reductive bias. Yet, it doesn' exactly tell you how to do it. I assume that is GALing! And I do recal a time, as stated above, when my mind was on re-camping my art!

Now, I stutter, have to be extremely careful walking and driving, and my hands and body shake as if I have Parkinson's. But my hair looks GREAT!

Where is that Facebook DB posting site anyway?
_________________________
Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08
Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012

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