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jks Offline OP
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This is an email my H sent to my friend today regarding her telling me about the A:

"First off I want to tell you how sorry I am for putting you in the position that I put you in. To say that I am ashamed of what I did would be an understatement. I have made decisions that have utterly crushed my family and I will forever be ashamed of what I did. I also want to Thank you for telling JKS. I don't know the specifics of everything you told her but it was enough. This may sound strange but I am so relieved that I was confronted. I have been trying to find the courage to tell her but I was so scared to do so. I have been unhappy for a long time and I thought that making some of the decisions that I made would some how make me happy again. I was wrong. I miss my family more that anything and all I want is to have them back. I know that JKS and I have a lot of work to do in order for this to work and I especially have a lot of work in order to gain her trust again. I also hope that I haven't lost you guys as friends.

Again, Thank you for telling her and I am so sorry for putting you guys in that position."

This made me happy to see that he was being so forthcoming with our friends about what just happened.

He never picked up the kids today because he has bronchitis and is contagious. I didn't want to risk that with our kids. However, I have been so sick and today was absolutely miserable in that regard.

He did mention that he works a day shift on Friday and would like to go out as a family Friday night. I said, ok. I just hope he talks to OW before then. I don't find it ok moving forward without that happening first. But, obviously, I don't want to pressure him to do it and will wait for him to come to me regarding that. He did tell me on the night I found out that he was going to call her that night. But I think he got too sick that he just didn't have the energy. He has been sick a lot lately... now that I think about it. His immune system is reflecting his emotional turmoil.

I did tell my friend's cousin that if she ever sees H's car at OW's house that I would really appreciate it if she would tell me right away. If he continues on with it then I know where we stand.

But, yes, I'm going to continue to DB and not lash out at him. He is human and I get that. I immediately felt when I was texting him last night that our dynamic was going back to how it was when we first separated. And I did not like that feeling. I don't want to go there.

I do feel lucky that he is so willing to work on this now and mentioned today that hopefully we can work things out soon so we won't have to continue to go back and forth with our kids. But I think babysteps for now. Hanging out and feeling our way through it and talking things out in a mature way as the issues arise.

I was definitely having a moment from my last posts and I'm sure they won't be my last but right now I'm ok and I feel good about us.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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It sounds like you have a wonderful reconciliation opportunity before you -- congratulations! It doesn't often work out that way. That said, you've also gone through a terrible amount of stress, so proceed at your own pace, take care of yourself, and find someone to help you work through the grief and anger!

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
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jks Offline OP
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Today has been good. I was texting with H and began to ask about what his plans were with OW. Meaning when he was going to talk to her. He said he wanted to talk to her face-to-face because he felt like that was the right thing to do and he wouldn't have a chance to do that until this Thurs. I told him I was somewhat concerned about this because it seemed to me that he just wanted to do it to comfort her, maybe give her one last kiss and hug and end it. I don't think I would be ok with that.

He said there would be no comforting involved because she will just be super angry and will probably want to punch him. I told him that if he does it that I think it would be best to meet her in a public setting, not go to her house and asked if he agreed... he said yes.

I asked him if he had talked to her at all this week and he did say that he told her he would let her borrow some equipment for work a while back and she would be needing it tomorrow so he gave it to her. I asked, so she came over? He said, no, my dad took it to her. I said I'm not even comfortable with that. So then I started to feel like he's saying all these things of ending it but it has yet to happen and he's still doing things for her. So I started texting with a friend and told her what was going on and had accidentally sent one of my messages to my H. I immediately said, I'm sorry, I'm just really upset right now... He said, who are you talking to?

I didn't respond for an hour because by that time I was on the phone with my friend. From the conversation with her I basically made the decision that I need to set some boundaries with H. First, being that if he wants to start hanging out with me and doing stuff as a family then he needs to end this with OW first.

I ended up calling him and began very slowly to choose my words carefully. I told him that I didn't want him to feel like I was telling him what to do but it just can't work if he continues these ties with her. He explained why he had to lend her the equipment because he couldn't just leave her hanging being that she would need it tomorrow and he hasn't even talked to her yet. So whatev on that. But I did tell him about the boundary with us hanging out and he said, fair enough.

We had a very long conversation, several times I was about to end it because I felt like I didn't have anything more to say but he kept saying what are you thinking? And I kept asking questions about what was going on. He was very forthcoming with giving me the information. He said he did talk with his dad last night about it. Obviously, he was very disappointed. I told him that I was scared that he's going to change his mind because he's been changing it so much over the past 7 months. He said, all I can say is there is a lot of work that needs to be done by the two of us. And if things end up continuing the same way they did before, then it's not going to work. I said, I agreed, and that was what I was trying to tell him all along.

I told him how angry I was that he made me feel so guilty for asking him questions about what his intentions were with OW. In the past, he kept telling me to drop it and stop focusing on things that I couldn't control. I told him that all along I was right and you made me feel like crap. And now I have to think about all the things that you guys have done together and I don't want to think about it and shouldn't have to.

Throughout the entire conversation he was very apologetic and understanding and honest. He also mentioned that he was looking forward to the future now. Before all of this he was dreading future events to come because of the fact of sharing the kids... ie, our D6's birthday in a month and the 4th of July and just summer in general.

After we hung up he texted me and said thank you for talking with me. I'm sorry that it brings up all these sad thoughts. I then told him thank you for talking with me and thank you for being so honest. He said, I've been working very hard on that. I told him that I feel that I am partial to blame for that because I was always so quick to get angry whenever he came to me about things. I now want him to feel safe about sharing things with me knowing that I will be understanding.

So then for the rest of the day we texted on and off. He kept telling me things about what he wanted to do in the future. Like he wanted to go on a cruise with me. And he still wants to build our dream house. This makes me so happy because I can tell that he actually sees a future with me and he's excited about it.

He then called me tonight and said he had a thought and wanted to know if I would want to come to his work while they're doing a training in a couple of weeks and take pictures (I'm a photographer). He thought it would be cool for me to see what they do up close and for them to have some cool pictures for them to use for a video. I said, yes, that would be fun. He then explained to me what they would be doing during the training and such and then he had to go.

So, it's been a lot of positive interaction with H today. Quite frankly I'm not used to it. I can tell that he's been thinking about me a lot and the fact that he's so willing to talk is HUGE! Lots of good steps forward, I think.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
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jks Offline OP
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I cannot sleep and cannot stop crying tonight. I'm so sick of thinking about my H and OW having sex. I really considered this girl as one of my friends. Her and her H actually went camping with me and my H's family in July. She knows all of us. She knows my kids. She knows how awful it is for them to have to go back and forth between two homes. And she knows how much I love my H and how devastated I was when he left me. Her H cheated on her two years ago so she also knows how painful it is to be betrayed like that. How can a person do that to another person?? I just want this pain to go away...


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 285
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Posts: 285
But you have some hope for the future for the two of you. That is so much more than most of us have here. I don't know how much it hurts, can only imagine the first time I know about H, new woman. I know it's probably going to be coming in my future. It will kill. Hang in there, try to focus on your new m. and R. I'm sorry you are crying and can't sleep. Fondly.

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jks Offline OP
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I'm just having serious thoughts that I think I see H differently now. I haven't done anything with him since but I think that this may really come between us. One of the main things that attracted me to him is the fact that he has always been so loyal and trustworthy. I view him as a "player" now and I am sooooo not attracted to players. I can't even think of being close to him or kissing him because it kind of makes me sick to think that he was just doing that with someone else. Um, just a week ago to be exact. And telling her that he thought he was falling in love. This is seriously the most heart-wrenching experience. Remind me never to love again...


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
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Posts: 283
I understand how this is very heart-wrenching for you. After reading DB, there is a section about infidelity and you have to "stop think" or something like that, where when you're having bad thoughts about it, you have to consciously tell yourself to stop and enjoy yourself at the moment!!!

If you want to reconcile and can see yourself forgiving your H, then give it the best you can and do some MC once you are both ready.

Also, remember affairs are a fantasy world that people escape to instead of dealing with their real life problems. He did not really love this person, he just thought he did, because he felt like he was missing something in his own life.

Things will get better and I wish you the best. Keep your head up girl!!!


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
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Posts: 2,502
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jks,

The road before you is very painful, in my sitch I read that infidelity is the worst pain a person can experience, worse than a loved one dying -- it's betrayal on top of loss. You can't flip a switch and get over that, you just have to live throught it, but know that it does end and you will come out the other side -- but it will probably take 6 months or more. There is no need for everything to be better *now*, take your time.

I recommend you go back and read your own sitch from the beginning, when H was gone, you were very honest about your own contribution to the situation and you desperately wanted him back. Now he's willing to come back and you're beating him up and pushing him away. Believe me, I understand why and how it makes you feel, but please try to maintain perspective on your own role in your marriage.

If you view yourself as the faultless victim, your marriage will not improve longer term. OW was a symptom, not a root cause. H's needs were not being met in your marriage and he was not happy. Your road to success lies in BOTH having H atone for his wrongdoing AND you continuing to evaluate your own attitudes and actions and to understand what will be required of YOU to make your marriage a success.

No matter what happens, you will need to forgive H. This may not make sense to you now, but forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You forgive for your own well-being, not for H. When you forgive, you can find peace. Without forgiveness you will find only anger and recrimination within yourself. What he did was horribly, horribly wrong, but it cannot be undone.

I strongly suggest you find a counselor to talk to -- your friends are not trained in this area and may not give you good advice. Find yourself a good IC, a priest, or use a DB telephone coach on this site. I spoke to Cheryl and I can guarantee you she will make you feel better and see things more clearly.

You are spinning right now, you're in shock and have gone through trauma. Don't make any long term decisions, and try not to say things you'll later regret.

H loves you, he's the best father for your children, and he's willing to give this a go -- that's a gift regardless of what has come before.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
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Great Post Accuray!!!


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Posts: 2,502
BTW, if it helps, when I found out about W and OM, it dominated my thoughts 24x7 for months. I felt tortured and it was hard to function. That was 8 months ago now. At this point, I don't think about it at all, it's a distant memory. When I do think about it, it's easily dismissed. You'll get there.

Also, if you ever get to the point where you feel I'm doing more harm than good for you, just let me know, I will not be offended.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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