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Ya know, the greatest thing happened today, and I didn't even mention it! The gal I know that does my hair works with a lot of senior citizens who like the roll-up style - actually, that is a good portion of her clientele.

Recently, she saved her little divorce alimony money's and purchased a a salon business in a nursing home (I told her to call it a senior community!). Anyway, I got my hair done at that place today.

It was a great experience! Of course, I have always enjoyed "cutting up" with her elderly clients. I seem to like to hang with the elderly crowd - I found that to be especially true at the church.

I am very colorful and artistic. I am not the typical suburbanite - that is for sure. And at the church, I could definently feel my age bracket avoiding me, likely based on hairstyle and clothing style alone (nevermind I am a retired UGA professor with an earned Ph.D.). Listen, you know when people shun you, you can feel it.

But the elderly croud always invited me to their breakfast table before the morning service. This wild red hair, with chocolate, tangerine, blonde, and sweet-sour sauce highlights and low-lights didn't bother the ladies with blue hair.

Anyway, I was a big hit at the salon today. All the ladies (residents) were smiling, and so was I, as I cracked my jokes, and acted like myself.

I also kicked it off good with the previous salone owner who is still working there. I really sense I have a talent (or comfort) with elderly people and seniors. I was dancing to the 40's music on the way out, and two ladies got up to join me! One said, it would really be great if they actually latex some music in here. I told her, MaMa, turn up your hearing aid! Somehow, it's ok for me to say that.

There is definently a volunteer possibility here. They have parties and such - and the location is in a ritzy town. I'm not looking to make any money, since I have an income.

I could do art lessons, dancing, exercise, photography at thier dance functions. Many things. I think I would really enjoy it.

This would be consider GALing I believe. Yas


Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08
Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012
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Originally Posted By: Yasu
Ya know, the greatest thing happened today, and I didn't even mention it! The gal I know that does my hair works with a lot of senior citizens who like the roll-up style - actually, that is a good portion of her clientele.

Recently, she saved her little divorce alimony money's and purchased a a salon business in a nursing home (I told her to call it a senior community!). Anyway, I got my hair done at that place today.

It was a great experience! Of course, I have always enjoyed "cutting up" with her elderly clients. I seem to like to hang with the elderly crowd - I found that to be especially true at the church.

I am very colorful and artistic. I am not the typical suburbanite - that is for sure. And at the church, I could definently feel my age bracket avoiding me, likely based on hairstyle and clothing style alone (nevermind I am a retired UGA professor with an earned Ph.D.). Listen, you know when people shun you, you can feel it.

But the elderly croud always invited me to their breakfast table before the morning service. This wild red hair, with chocolate, tangerine, blonde, and sweet-sour sauce highlights and low-lights didn't bother the ladies with blue hair.

Anyway, I was a big hit at the salon today. All the ladies (residents) were smiling, and so was I, as I cracked my jokes, and acted like myself.

I also kicked it off good with the previous salone owner who is still working there. I really sense I have a talent (or comfort) with elderly people and seniors. I was dancing to the 40's music on the way out, and two ladies got up to join me! One said, it would really be great if they actually latex some music in here. I told her, MaMa, turn up your hearing aid! Somehow, it's ok for me to say that.

There is definently a volunteer possibility here. They have parties and such - and the location is in a ritzy town. I'm not looking to make any money, since I have an income.

I could do art lessons, dancing, exercise, photography at thier dance functions. Many things. I think I would really enjoy it.

This would be consider GALing I believe. Yas


Sounds like you have found your calling, Yas. Go for it!


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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He put me on the trial calendar for May 21. Wind effectively outta my sails. Up, down, up, down, up, down.

I'm suppose to drive to rental today, looks like we have long term tenants. The pay off for my hard efforts and investment there for over 6 months. What about that?

Not to mention the demands for not 6, but 12 months of paperwork.

It's too much. Help. I'm freaking.


Married 27 Years
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Ok, I'm officially mortified by having to go to trial. WW25D?

25 wouldn't worry about it. She'd say a lot can happen between now and May 21st, 22nd, and 23rd. Settlements happen in the Courthouse all the time.

How does this work? Do we get to do all our questioning of him first, since we filed first? (That could work to our advantage, as he cannot control himself on the stand. He is so angry - it scares me - even in the Court. I am sure the anger is all about the money and splitting asset).

Or is it a take turns kind of thing in the Court? My attorney is gone for this month. Oh dear. I'm paralyzed. I secretly hoped it would just stay in limbo.


Married 27 Years
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Hi Yass. I don't know how trial works but why worry about it. Wait until your L returns so you can talk about it. Your L will work on your behalf so try to calm down.

Anyways How do you say hi in Greek?


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Originally Posted By: Yasu
Ok, I'm officially mortified by having to go to trial. WW25D?

25 wouldn't worry about it. She'd say a lot can happen between now and May 21st, 22nd, and 23rd. Settlements happen in the Courthouse all the time.

Yes indeed. Settlements often happen the DAY of the "trial". And the trial is not going to be in front of a jury if your h has trouble keeping his temper. IF it does somehow get a jury, be GLAD b/c when he loses it, it helps you.

IF you are in a community property state this is straight forward and the judge will chastize the lawyers for not settling it. If he can tell who is stalling or who is making unreasonable demands, he'll blast them and send you out of the room to see "if you can work it out" without a trial.

Worst case--you go to trial...so what? Why all the self inflicted freaking? Stop it. What exactly are you so afraid of? Doesn't make sense to me. Sorry.

But you need to get a grip. And remember that even if your L is out for a month (??? for medical reasons???) there are others at his firm who can go to bat for you. You do not have to "wait" and not even call.

Ask his office if there are protective steps that must be completed before the L's return. If they say "no, it's fine", then accept that and let go of what you cannot control.

Letting go of what you cannot control, turning it over to God, are two things you CAN do that are keys to your peace of mind.



How does this work? Do we get to do all our questioning of him first, since we filed first? (That could work to our advantage, as he cannot control himself on the stand. He is so angry - it scares me - even in the Court. I am sure the anger is all about the money and splitting asset).

Of course. What else would it be? He'd approach you if he wanted to reconcile and yes, he can say AND MEAN IT when he says he'll "always love you" but not want to be married to you.

If my h died or left me, I'd always love a part of him. Eventually I'd also move on and be happy again, b/c that is solely my responsibility, and I have children to model this for.

IOW, yes you can grieve and feel sad, like I did when my dad died. But my grief was Not fatal or eternal. I hope that is what I showed them.
I hope you realize it too.

The property dispute is probably why this has taken so long. It's common. Ask your L or his firm how this works. I don't know your state, and I'm not a divorce attorney.

WHY are you scared of him? If you fear physical abuse, file a restraining order. If you are afraid of "making him mad" b/c....you think that hurts thte chance of a reconciliation, let that go.

DO some cognitive therapy yourself to get you to realize when your fears are not realistic or proportional, then get a grip!

YOU are in charge of YOU - not your h or the judge or the weather or the PAST or a car in the driveway supposedly watching you. BTW I don't know that I buy all that surveillance stuff, or its' significance, but even if I did, have you considered it might be related to a workers comp or disability claim investigation

OR someone hired for purposes of the possible divorce litigation? That is not rare. You could hire a private eye to document adultery or a forensic accountant to see if he is hiding assets. (I am not suggesting it, just listing other things that people do)

Although None of these are positives or baby steps to me, they are also not reasons for constant worry.

I would vigorously assist your L, stop letting paperwork that is normal and inconvenient to everyone overwhelm you. You have an assistant and btw, we're getting audited and my husband is getting deployed to the middle east (and no, we didn't see that coming). So Yes sometimes life throws a lot at you and it sukks...we hired a CPA for the audit, b/c it's such a hassle. But I'm not 'freaking" and YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FREAK OUT.

You have no control over his anger and that is his job to control. Stay in your sandbox working on YOUR Issues and let him stay in his sandbox working on is. Let your L do ALL contacting and do NOT call or VM your h again.

If he keeps those ranting messages you send, they do not help you
. Let HIM be the one to lose his temper, not you. Plus, if he loses his temper in court it only helps you.





Or is it a take turns kind of thing in the Court? My attorney is gone for this month. Oh dear. I'm paralyzed. I secretly hoped it would just stay in limbo.


why? B/C life is just so great this way? It's not great.

You have to plow or swim through this, to get to the other side. But you do have to move...Don't keep looking over your shoulder, just move forward and get to the other side. IT's much nicer over there.

And your h has arms and fingers and knows how phones and email works. HE can contact you if and when he wants to. No mind reading needed til if and when that happens.



Here is a true story that changed my life a little bit, forever. See if you can relate and maybe read it again later if you feel too distracted.

When I was pregnant with our 2nd child, I worked full time. I then got very sick late in the pregnancy and I was hospitalized. I felt like crap in a whole new way.

I had herniated a disk, which hurt A LOT, then a cold I had suddenly morphed into pneumonia and then I got eclamptic (pregnancy induced high blood pressure, among other things-high risk of stroke and organ damage). THEN I went into renal failure...I was miserable and terrified.

My back hurt, I felt so miserable, I was huge and sort of unkempt, and I felt pretty sorry for myself.

But the medical care kicked in, and though I still felt like crap, the baby seemed fine and I was 8 months along so if need be, she could be delivered safely. I felt less afraid, but still felt melancholy.

Out the windwo, I saw a full moon outside. At that moment, I realized probably millions of pregnant women around the world saw that same moon. I wondered what their lives were like. Were they in their homes, or rice fields...

Unlike most of them,

I was getting good medical care. I had a husband and I knew where he was and that no one had killed or robbed him.

NO one was abducting my son for their tribal army. No one would steal my daughter to make her into a sex slave.

I had food in my refrigerator at home (I had a refrigerator! I had a home!).

There'd be food in the frig the next day too. My home was a safe shelter and we both even jobs we enjoyed.

Our son was healthy and our daughter would likely be too, and she'd be born in a hospital. (Not a dirt floor with a branch in my mouth for "pain relief"). Actual physicians would be there delivering my child, not a neighbor who once gave birth, nor would I deliver my child alone.

No one was telling me how to worship God, or IF I could. No one was hacking my family to death b/c of our religion, or race. I could vote and drive a car and have a job. No one was shooting at me, or hunting me, or raping me or maiming me or my family...

and you know what? That made me better off than 95% of the women in the world, (if not more).

So Keep your perspective.

You are stronger than you think and you CAN make yourself stronger. Don't see yourself as a "victim of life" or your h, b/c you are not.

If he's a jerk, then that's that. You will be better off without him. IF he's not a jerk and if he acts loving, then you will KNOW it and the endless guessing and mind reading will reveal itself to be a waste of your precious time.

You are well educated, & looking good. Whatever health problems you have are being treated. You are not about to live on the streets,

only to die in the gutter where dogs begin chewing on you (that'a s line from the book/film "Bridget Jones Diary").

You will continue to have shelter, income, and food and medical care!

Turn your marriage over to God and by that, I mean, think it, say it, hear yourself say it, and it will sink in...and then, do not take it back.

I had to do it 100 times a day on rough days, usually in the shower so the kids didn't hear.

And learn to Be more grateful. It really helps a lot.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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My attorney has written several letters regarding the servellance, and it's impact on my condition. His council denied.

I did think about the private insurance company, especially after a daytime stake out - where the guy took pictures of me, and didn't give a crap that I saw him. Pictures of me getting my mail - still upsetting for someone who has panic and paranoia issues.

I even considered the insurance on the restaurant - perhaps something was wrong there.

I finially made a visit to the police headquaters as I actually had photographs
and wittnesses, and a huge bag of Dunkin donuts, and a busted up face. The head detective had time to work with me. He pulled all my reports, gave the photos to the invstigators.

He said there is no way an insurance company would carry out an investigation like the the ones that were reported. The detected told me these kinds of activities are related to divorces in most cases.

The best part was to be taken seriously, as well, I learned there is nothing you can do other than take a stalking order out against the perpatrator.

I guess those photos vindicated me in a way. I might have some issues, but I'm not gonna run barefoot on asphalt, downhill, and bust myself up to get pictures of just a random driver-by. Those that didn't buy my story, like you 25, had a paradigm shift when they saw the 8x10 photographs of the kind of thugs that have been sitting outside my bedroom window.

I cannot tell you the feeling when you know you are not believed - and you ARE reporting the complete truth. To see eyes roll, or a "not sure I buy that" are terminologies I am unaccustomed too - as a damn good researcher. It almost feels like gaslighting. I know people mean well.

And here is what I am afraid of in Court. I tell my story, and I'm not believed. I also worry, terribly about my ability to recall information, and do not want to appear I am stalling or BSing when my mind is blank. I can look at my lawyer, and not even recall her name, that is how bad the memory issue is with the drugs.

I stutter, and have very visible tremors. I don't want him to see me like this.

Next, the disability issue for 12 years VS a Ph.D. Some people cannot and will not understand this disorder. This seems to be an angle opposing council plans to show. (doesn't make sense though, other than they believe I can go back to work in my profession like this, and that will cut down on alimony?).

Jury. My husband won't take his attorney advice. Jury would not like either of us. They wont understand my illness, and of course, his temper. Jury is bad all around. But he was demanding (with his fist on the table) to be heard last time in Court. And it was something to hear and watch, indeed.

Questions will have to be repeated to me. I can only hold so much in my mind. Having been deposed many times, even seven hours at a time, I am methodical and concise in my response. Not sure my attorney is confident about that yet. That can be viewed as a good thing, but a bad thing to.

Anyway, this is just responding to the red box. I don't want to make mistakes in Court. Timeframes are totally squewed in my mind. It is like these years have not even gone by. Like time is still.

I'm not especially excited to see my husband ripped to shreads on the stand - when this time, it would be entertainment, shock and awe. He will have to answer questions. The last court appearance, while entertaining for the spectators, was pretty grilling for me to sit thru. I couldn't help him, and he thought he was doing a great job. He walked off the stand like a proud peacock. I am so embarrassed for him. His anger and rage are at such a level that I would be concerned about his BP.

With as easily as I can get mixed up, his lawyer can probably make me look just terrible too. I don't wish to look terrible, and to get mixed up, and then have the judge assume my mind is as clear as anyone else's. For a fair playing field, everyone involved should have at least one Topamax mood stabilizer, so we can be on the same page. Well, that would be in a perfect world!

I'll respond to the other post about having a baby later on. I can give you more reasons why I am mortified. I hope these are good enough. Thank you so much for responding, 25! Yas


Married 27 Years
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Hi Yass try and take it easy. You are worrying too much. I bet you lawyer knows exactly what to do to protect your interest. What are doing for fun tonight? What do you like to do? I'm about to play video games. Love video games. Have a good night


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Hi Rick 63,

You are so right! There was a time I used to have fun! I remember perhaps two years ago I was crazed over Cake Mania. I became an expert!

In contrast, I've been balled up on the chaise worried, contemplating, watching out the window, sleeping, for the last two years. There is a St. Michail's icon that I can stare at for 10 hours straight, lost in my thoughts and analysis.

I know it must end. The drug causing this zombee reaction probably needs to be taken out of the mix - at least for awhile. I see that Dr. On Monday.

As for Cake Mania - I can't handle it. What I enjoyed most today, was going to sleep after my coffee, and finding out it was already past 5! I then looked on my DB, and enjoyed reading the responses I had received!

Didn't go out of town as planned today. To nervous to drive. I have this nervous itching condition that comes with stress, and I've ripped my hands and ankles bloody. I did not take care of an important paperwork item today, because I forgot what I was supposed to write on there - the advisor is on California time, but I feel so stupid to have to call for such simple information. I wrote it, but I cannot see where I wrote it.

Fun. I had fun at the nursing home yesterday. My hair is all smashing and I got no where to go.

There is pleant to do though. Maybe I'll try the Adderall tomorrow as an experiment. Thanks for reading and writing Rick 63. Yas


Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
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Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012
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Originally Posted By: Yasu
My attorney has written several letters regarding the servellance, and it's impact on my condition. His council denied.

I did think about the private insurance company, especially after a daytime stake out - where the guy took pictures of me, and didn't give a crap that I saw him. Pictures of me getting my mail - still upsetting for someone who has panic and paranoia issues.

I even considered the insurance on the restaurant - perhaps something was wrong there.

I finially made a visit to the police headquaters as I actually had photographs
and wittnesses, and a huge bag of Dunkin donuts, and a busted up face. The head detective had time to work with me. He pulled all my reports, gave the photos to the invstigators.

He said there is no way an insurance company would carry out an investigation like the the ones that were reported. The detected told me these kinds of activities are related to divorces in most cases.

that would make sense. You did say that you are "prone to paranoia" in the same sentence claiming you are being followed. You need to prepare for how most strangers hear that. Don't be offended by doubt; understand it and expect and acknowledge it. THAT builds credibility.



The best part was to be taken seriously, as well, I learned there is nothing you can do other than take a stalking order out against the perpatrator.

I guess those photos vindicated me in a way. I might have some issues, but I'm not gonna run barefoot on asphalt, downhill, and bust myself up to get pictures of just a random driver-by. Those that didn't buy my story, like you 25, had a paradigm shift when they saw the 8x10 photographs of the kind of thugs that have been sitting outside my bedroom window.

I cannot tell you the feeling when you know you are not believed - and you ARE reporting the complete truth. To see eyes roll, or a "not sure I buy that" are terminologies I am unaccustomed too - as a damn good researcher. It almost feels like gaslighting. I know people mean well.

I believe I used the term "gaslighting" referring to your h. Do you recall that?

And here is what I am afraid of in Court. I tell my story, and I'm not believed. I also worry, terribly about my ability to recall information, and do not want to appear I am stalling or BSing when my mind is blank. I can look at my lawyer, and not even recall her name, that is how bad the memory issue is with the drugs.

first of all I don't see that much relevance to his surveillance if this is really a property settlement hearing. So why go there?



I stutter, and have very visible tremors. I don't want him to see me like this.


don't want WHO to see you like this? Your h? Hmmm, but you want to be married to him?

When are you at your best? What is that like?

What helps you get there? Focus on that, not your fears. Your fears take up too much of your life. Did you read my whole post?



Next, the disability issue for 12 years VS a Ph.D. Some people cannot and will not understand this disorder. This seems to be an angle opposing council plans to show. (doesn't make sense though, other than they believe I can go back to work in my profession like this, and that will cut down on alimony?).

Jury. My husband won't take his attorney advice. Jury would not like either of us. They wont understand my illness, and of course, his temper. Jury is bad all around. But he was demanding (with his fist on the table) to be heard last time in Court. And it was something to hear and watch, indeed.

worst case they may think you're partly malingering, but that he's an SOB...you win


Questions will have to be repeated to me. I can only hold so much in my mind. Having been deposed many times, even seven hours at a time, I am methodical and concise in my response. Not sure my attorney is confident about that yet. That can be viewed as a good thing, but a bad thing to.

Anyway, this is just responding to the red box. I don't want to make mistakes in Court. Timeframes are totally squewed in my mind. It is like these years have not even gone by. Like time is still.

I'm not especially excited to see my husband ripped to shreads on the stand - when this time, it would be entertainment, shock and awe. He will have to answer questions.
.

explain this^^^ please. I'm not clear on your meaning


The last court appearance, while entertaining for the spectators, was pretty grilling for me to sit thru. I couldn't help him, and he thought he was doing a great job. He walked off the stand like a proud peacock. I am so embarrassed for him. His anger and rage are at such a level that I would be concerned about his BP.

wow...that is NOT your problem (unless you want to make it all about you and then he can blame you for it??) Avoid such co-dependence.

With as easily as I can get mixed up, his lawyer can probably make me look just terrible too. I don't wish to look terrible, and to get mixed up, and then have the judge assume my mind is as clear as anyone else's. For a fair playing field, everyone involved should have at least one Topamax mood stabilizer, so we can be on the same page. Well, that would be in a perfect world!


Ask your shrink/MD to give you whatever helps your recall the most and do the Cognitive work to stay calm and clear.

The hearing won't kill you, and it won't last forever. And when its over - you will finally be able to close that chapter...



I'll respond to the other post about having a baby later on. I can give you more reasons why I am mortified. I hope these are good enough. Thank you so much for responding, 25! Yas



I didn't bring up the baby so I guess someone else did. FYI I get confused with various posters and their backstories all the time.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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