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#2228692 - 03/07/12 11:44 PM Re: When it's a one-way street...part 4 [Re: Crazyville]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Maybe you can make some "mush potatos". Let us know how it goes!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2228695 - 03/07/12 11:48 PM Re: When it's a one-way street...part 4 [Re: 2thepoint]
Crazyville Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/12
Posts: 1047
Sandi, in your case, half real, half hypothetical...

If you told a friend, "No, I don't want to have the party at our place because H has the yard trashed with his collection of junk, and it would just be too embarrassing for me for everyone to see that." Does it still count as your forgiving him?
_________________________
Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13

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#2228696 - 03/07/12 11:50 PM Re: When it's a one-way street...part 4 [Re: Crazyville]
Crazyville Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/12
Posts: 1047
And, if someone asks about your history, your past problems with your H, does it not invoke some unhappy feelings? I would have suspected it still did, even if you've forgiven him.
_________________________
Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13

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#2228705 - 03/08/12 12:23 AM Re: When it's a one-way street...part 4 [Re: Crazyville]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Originally Posted By: Crazyville
It seems everything I ask, he either declines outright or neglects until I deal with it myself.


This likely comes from his expectations. He has confident expectations that what ever he does, will not be good enough. Even if he does it, you will not be happy.

Originally Posted By: Crazyville
He has started filling my gas tank for me. It's not something I can't do myself, or something I can depend upon him to do regularly, but does that count?


Yes, that counts.

If you cannot provide him with tasks which he WILL accept, he may reach out in ways that he feels he CAN contribute.

Look for these things and appreciate them. As you let him know you appreciate them, no matter how small or insignificant you may feel they are, he is likely to step in more. Again, praise the positives. Like a child, the more praise you give him, even for attempts, the more likely he will want to do more. Your praise would suggest to him that you are happy... and he wants you to be happy...

If he takes on a "honeydo" task, do your best to not verbalise any flaws in his workmanship or how he may have failed to complete the task to the extent you had hoped. Thank him for doing it and make a note not to ask him to do a similar task in the future.

What IS your H good at? What are his strengths?

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#2228759 - 03/08/12 04:22 AM Re: When it's a one-way street...part 4 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Crazyville Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/12
Posts: 1047
Quote:
What IS your H good at? What are his strengths?

He has a good golf score, and he's good at tennis and softball. Sports in general. He's very social and can talk to anyone, anywhere. He's good at remembering names. He's good at taking out the trash (meaning he doesn't forget, not that he does it with flair.) He likes to mow the lawn. Friends know him as "Mr. Acts of Service," because he'll drop whatever he's doing to help them when asked. He's great about keeping in touch with family. He'd die for his kids. He likes to tell stories and reminisce. He's very agreeable and will commit to almost anything. I can't speak for his job/work.
_________________________
Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13

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#2228830 - 03/08/12 02:20 PM Re: When it's a one-way street...part 4 [Re: Crazyville]
Crazyville Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/12
Posts: 1047
Well, H fixed the siding without my nagging. I didn't help, didn't direct, didn't even check his work when he was done. I just told him I really appreciated his dealing with it. (I felt bad for him too because he bloodied his finger in the process.) I looked at it this morning and he really did do a good job. I'll be sure to tell him so later.
_________________________
Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13

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#2228841 - 03/08/12 02:57 PM Re: When it's a one-way street...part 4 [Re: Crazyville]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Originally Posted By: Crazyville
Well, H fixed the siding without my nagging. I didn't help, didn't direct, didn't even check his work when he was done. I just told him I really appreciated his dealing with it. (I felt bad for him too because he bloodied his finger in the process.) I looked at it this morning and he really did do a good job. I'll be sure to tell him so later.


Good for your H!! And good for you CV!! smile
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

Top
#2228882 - 03/08/12 04:30 PM Re: When it's a one-way street...part 4 [Re: Crazyville]
oldtimer Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/06
Posts: 4474
Great :-) Well done.

Now, what do you take away from this case about YOU?
_________________________
Best,
Oldtimer

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#2228901 - 03/08/12 05:11 PM Re: When it's a one-way street...part 4 [Re: oldtimer]
Crazyville Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/12
Posts: 1047
That I was prepared for the worst, based upon my history with him?

I'm just doing what I was told. What should I have taken away about me?
_________________________
Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13

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#2228903 - 03/08/12 05:18 PM Re: When it's a one-way street...part 4 [Re: Crazyville]
oldtimer Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/06
Posts: 4474
Why negative?

How about: if we give people space to shine, they might surprise us?

How about: if I don't manage things the way I want to, it is still ok?
_________________________
Best,
Oldtimer

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