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#2231707 - 03/19/12 09:15 AM Re: taking the time to watch the wave [Re: nhmom]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 283
I understand how you just want a decision made and hate this 'not knowing' point in your life. My mom told me last night that when I'm ready to make a decision to continue working on our marriage completely or if I decide I've had enough, that I will have that sense of relief. Right now, I have decided to work on my marriage without my H really wanting to work on it with DB methods, but I don't know how long I can continue in this Limbo Land.
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

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#2231714 - 03/19/12 09:24 AM Re: taking the time to watch the wave [Re: labug]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Banana...first (((((times a million))))

I feel so bad knowing that awful dilemma you are in. I think Bugsy`s advice is really right on.

I am in the exact same place as you and its so hard to take that final step off the cliff.

We hold out hope every time our spouses show signs of M life and then get crushed again and again. I really think Bugsy is right a out the green flag right in front of us. I don't think there is any other way than to bravely move forward as single parents and our spouses may or may not catch.

Its hard to remember your real value when you are living with so much confusion on all fronts.

Your a beautiful, strong, peaceful woman and Mom. One guy with problems can't take that away from you.

Rick

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#2231967 - 03/20/12 12:54 AM Re: taking the time to watch the wave [Re: rickb89]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
Major backslide. H wanted to talk about finances.. It went from bad.. To worse... I'm in completely in tears as I'm writing this.

H is of course wanting to figure things out because he doesn't have a place to stay by the end of April and will need to find his own place. I mentioned how I couldn't see how we could continue the way things are with him paying half the mortgage. I said we needed to figure out child support and i would then determine whether or not I could afford to stay here or whether i needed to move etc. Somehow.. It ended with him saying he's been sleeping on a couch and it hasn't been easy...

I'm not sure how it escalated but I just lost it. I said I didn't really feel sorry for him because he made the choice to leave us.. And then he said "us?". Said he didn't leave the kids.. He left me. And then I just flipped out. Said when you invest more in your "friendships" at work.. It was attaching yourself to someone emotional other than your spouse.. I couldn't control the tears because I was so hurt by his words saying he just didn't want to be married. Blah blah.. In the end, I said.. "yes you chose to leave me because i'm such an awful person and in doing so you became a part time father.. But I guess that's good enough"

I left the room. I think I heard H leave. I just feel so done. Why do i even want to be with this person at all? Someone who just doesn't value me and is so set on walking away? I really feel done. I just don't want this anymore.

Leaving tomorrow and honestly.. Just want to pack the car with the kids and keep driving. I am so choked. I really hate him right now. He was very cold and so hurtful. I don't know if there's anything there anymore.
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2231971 - 03/20/12 01:12 AM Re: taking the time to watch the wave [Re: barely floating]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Oh Barely, I hurt for you right now!! I'm so new at this I don't have good advice, but I totally get your anger and hurt. Don't feel bad about losing it. You have worked sooo hard and after awhile it all builds up. I get the hate part. I was there a few days ago and your words helped me. Please use your trip as time to ponder and try to find the joy with your kids. I'm totally feeling for you tonite.

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#2231976 - 03/20/12 02:31 AM Re: taking the time to watch the wave [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Hi Barely, have you seen the forecast? Gusts to 65 on up our way, so be careful driving, ok? I will be thinking about you. Oh just saw wind warnings through 5 am tommorrow morning. Good you should be ok. Happy Spring, maybe things will get better for all of us. I'm so sick of this weather. My D. lives in NYC, they had 72 today. No fair. So sorry for your bad day. When you coming back. The weather looks sunny over the weekend. Take care and have some fun, you deserve it!

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#2231988 - 03/20/12 05:10 AM Re: taking the time to watch the wave [Re: hopeless in wa]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
Hopeless.. Thank you so much for your kind words. It really helps to know someone hears me.

I ended up txt'ing H because I had asked him earlier (before blow up) to pick up meds I had forgotten at my mom's. She called and said he didn't come by so she'll drop them off in the morning on the way to my sister's. H didn't answer. I followed up that txt saying I was sorry. I should have walked away when I felt myself getting upset. I said some things I didn't mean (I didn't mention the fact that i said some stuff I definitely meant). He finally answered asking whether he should pick up my meds in the morning.

I had planned on leaving early before H got off work but he said he had told the kids he would see them before we left. But I packed most of our stuff in the car already so that it would be one less thing to deal with in the morning. I know H will wonder about this because our parking is underground and I actually have to leave our unit to get to it. But this is a reality of being D. Can't always rely on a second person being here.

When we had our falling out.. I said he never told me what I did wrong. Was I too demanding.. What? He said, he had told me.. He just didn't want to be married. That's when i broke and he ended up saying "I didn't leave the kids, I left you". I think that may have been the most hurtful thing he has ever said to me. So I question now whether I will ever be able to get over all the painful stuff I have been put through.

I question God's plans. I felt I had tried so hard to detach and leave the outcome up to him. And i wonder, what did I do to deserve this and how much more will I have to endure. Tonight, I really question how much strength is left in me.

The time away will do me some good. To focus on my beautiful kids.. And to do some more soul searching.
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2231991 - 03/20/12 06:05 AM Re: taking the time to watch the wave [Re: barely floating]
breakdownbill Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 434
Loc: Liverpool, England
[quote=barely floating]

I question God's plans. I felt I had tried so hard to detach and leave the outcome up to him. And i wonder, what did I do to deserve this and how much more will I have to endure. Tonight, I really question how much strength is left in me.

The time away will do me some good. To focus on my beautiful kids.. And to do some more soul searching. [/quote]

Hi Barely

I too am really feeling for you reading this, and I'm realising that I probably will have to face up to the situation you find yourself in right now, and the time will come for me to decide whether to carry on hoping or to carry on with my life w/o W.

My advice for you...

You really do need to focus on the last part of your post. Your kids will love you forever - unconditionally - never forget that. If you can be strong for them and just focus on having fun with them - I know what you are feeling now will get easier for you over the next few days and help you get through this.

Hang in there and try to stay positive

Bill
_________________________
Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

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#2231992 - 03/20/12 06:53 AM Re: taking the time to watch the wave [Re: breakdownbill]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Barely, the winds have started, I feel my house will blow over! You know what this may be terrible advice, but I have seen your pic on fb, you are a beautiful girl, and everything I have read in your threads tells me a great mom and great person who is self aware. Does this guy deserve such an wonderful woman? You are 2 years older than my daughter I think of that all the time. What advice would I give to her. The big thing is she doesn't have kids. That makes a huge difference. I know that factors into everything. I just think your h. is stupid, I know, totally subjective. I'm old, considerering, 58, old enuf to be your mom, you are young, beautiful, caring, intelligent, together, you can do this on your own if you want, you have alot of life left in front of you. To be happy and fulfilled with someone who appreciates the greatness of you. We all see that about you here. So keep that in mind while you ponder. I am your best friend tonite. I really care. Take care BF, Pam

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#2232001 - 03/20/12 07:58 AM Re: taking the time to watch the wave [Re: hopeless in wa]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1019
((((BF))))))

I hate to hear this for you. That is something very hard to hear. It may not help right now but remember not to believe the things you hear the WAS say. Most likely they have their own issues that they refuse to deal with and the crap that comes out gets directed at you to avoid them having to look at themselves.

Anger is so natural for all of us. If you're not happy with how you dealt with it, just let it go. Its over. Learn from it what you can and move on. No one does this perfect.

I believe you have great strength! Its exhausting to have to use so much after losing what once was a source of strength now turned into somethign that syphons it off of you. But you still have strength. You are a great mom and you are still standing. Your sadness and tears won't change that you are capable of getting through this and even learning ways in which you will grow.

I believe that our sitchs are not God's plan at all. IMO, its the hard reality of free will. When people choose their own path over God's, people get hurt. If we all chose to forgive, love, communicate and deal with conflict effectively, this board would not be needed. But we're human and we get off track and distracted in the moment. I don't believe our sitch's are what God intended for marriage at all, but I do believe he will use them to help us, grow us and live stronger lives if we are open to it.

Be safe in your travels. Just remember you've got friends that care.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2232002 - 03/20/12 08:04 AM Re: taking the time to watch the wave [Re: hopeless in wa]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2498
Loc: Piney Land
B this is one of those down momemts. God knows you are hurting he knows you are questioning him. But don't lose hope and faith. It is illogical to think that you will never again be haPpy. It is. Just not possible. You will have a great life with or without H. Be patient with yourself
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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